re-birth

spring begins in the northern hemisphere on march 20, 2012, at 1:14 a.m. (EDT)...that is what the farmer's almanac said anyway... the green is coming...closer and closer...i can hear the elf king say "well, come on...let's go"...and i want to...i want to climb to the top of a tree and never come down...

i went through this 21 days of self examination and reflection...often alone for days...letting time sift through me as i deconstructed my past behaviors and came face to face with so many demons...my wrong actions, my fears, the places in myself i have hidden out...the constant security blanket of suicide...i have prayed more than usual and meditated longer...i have fasted...i have used up alot of tissue...i have fought the urge to bring people into my struggles though sometimes it spilled out...i have battled hard and surrendered to it all sometimes...i have been swallowed in the stormy waves and ridden calm seas...i have listened and i have turned away from the truth...i have begged god to help me ease my burden and then not accepted the wisdom that came...

today i am coming at it all from point zero...i am beneath the cool surface splitting my skin and coming up...tomorrow is the first day of spring...my re-birth-day...in a way i have lived in a womb for weeks...only going out when i had to...letting people in only rarely...i needed this...a removal of myself from a world i often dont understand...a removal from others emotions and ways i find unsettling...i often hid out around them...though i recently let others get close again and it wasnt as hard as it has been...the vulnerability is there and the fear comes up...but i pushed through it and just kept telling myself i am good enough...struggling with the self esteem issues...but i wont give in and give up...not yet...not until i give it my best...i am hopeful...i feel as if i am breaking through...coming out...into the light of my own being...

i know things about myself now...and accept things about myself...why i chose to fall in love with those i have fallen in love with...faced their rejection...why i walked away from others...why i feared love and yet wanted to be loved...i figured this big thing out...i chose those who wouldnt love me back because i didnt think i deserved to be loved...so i always chose someone who would reject me...to be unloved felt normal and safe...to be rejected made it easier in an odd way...but it is different now...now i wont settle for less than i deserve...i want to be treated with respect and i want someone who will be proud to be with me...

i want my dreams to come true...i want to be supported in my dreams...i dont want to settle for a piggy back onto someone else's dreams...

i accept my moment in life...where i am at...and even if it is a not easy moment i love my strength and the compassion i offer myself...if at all possible i will have the dreams i dream come into reality....

i am a hard worker and know i have the intelligence, the inventiveness and the courage to create any reality i want...

and darn it i know i am a pretty good catch as selkies go...i would make someone a fine changeling wife:)...i am a good storyteller, i love to cook, i am a wild child in the woods, i love animals, i love women, i love adventures, i love...

i also know from these 21 days that i have drawn bad behavior towards me...but...those who treated me poorly certainly didnt have to treat me this way...and i never have to put up with it again...because...drum roll...i dont deserve it and never did...

i am coming to terms with my self image and my body...for many years i didnt feel beautiful...and i realize i wasnt ugly...now i am beginning to reclaim my body image and see myself as well ok looking...lol...what can i say...i dont see myself as handsome yet...maybe i will get there once i feel more in shape...

21 days and i still have work to do but i also have less work than i did...and more compassion towards myself...and i do know there are others who care about me and this helps...

for an hour yesterday i sat and thought about suicide again...remembering that first time and this most recent one...it holds very little power over me now...i know it would hurt others if i did...and i dont want to...i truly think there is someone out there who will love me as i am and pour love over me without holding it back...i believe i can trust and stay open to them and to life...i hope that i can get folks to take my classes and to support my dreams as i support theirs...i hope to be respected more than disrespected...i hope for peace to stay and for frustrations to fade...i hope to see my way clearer with each day...i know i have alot to give and i know if i just get through these difficult days of adjusting to this different life than what i thought i would have as i approach my 50's i will be ok...

i hope others can keep me in their prayers and good thoughts...i kinda sorta need it...even though i am doing ok...

i feel like going quiet...putting my words on paper...i feel fiction coming up in me...a book i want to have finished sooner rather than later...still cant find a job and yet i have to just keep at it...teaching will somehow work out...things will get better...i have faith...

i have songs in my pocket and a drumbeat in my hand...love in my heart...and a smile to share...

namaste