the sword...

breathing is not good...asthma attacks.. but i know it is the holding back i do...the hot coals of anger using up all my oxygen before it reaches my lungs...my veins...my brain...but it is creating something amazing in me...and i accept this...

the gentle holding of my heart keeps me anchored to my art...my self work...my journey teachings...i am grateful for the fire and for the hearts crafting of a great tool for my life...i take each suffering moment of my life up to exam and transform it...it is as if there is a ringing sound of hammer to metal...and this i came to understand...the memory of the town blacksmith...the thrill of seeing the sparks as he struck the hammer to glowing metal...my journeys are coming together to create something for me...i am seeing it to the end...

(this morning)

most of last night and yesterday i was sifting through the stench and dirt of an old barn in my journey work...as well as a dirty apartment building my grandparents owned and i was constantly cleaning...i was reclaiming myself and reuniting bits and pieces of myself from my childhood and then adulthood...a cupful of tears that soaked the earthen floor...a torn shirt memory...healing all the bruises...pushing away the abuser as he lifted a belt, a piece of rubber race track, a fist, a pair of scissors...standing apart from a mother who wanted me to parent her and be her support instead of her being a strong mother...but she couldnt...she broke early on...when she didnt have the emotional use for me she would farm me out to my mamaw and aunt...but in my journey work i stopped myself from making it better for her...i let myself be a child and play...it was as if i had a rewind and did it differently...yet came away with the lessons of both paths...i feel stronger for this...

i am connecting the events of trauma like dots on a map...understanding my adult actions and who i came to be and how to remove the not good parts of who i am...

in this time of retreat i lost faith and hope in the world...in people...in myself...in the silence of others in my childhood...in the silence of others in my adult world...in the power and control games of my childhood...in the power and control games i see as an adult...in the roles others played in abusing me...

i would seek out abuse as an adult and teen to get the fix and the relief of the time after when the abuse would stop and i could just collapse...abused people know this trick...sometimes you collapse into illness...other times depression...but it seems to always follow a traumatic moment or an abusive situation...it is the addiction of abuse...you become addicted to the release and will suffer the drug of punishment to have it...a person is your bottle of pills...an abusive person...who will give you a dose of abuse...a fix...so you can sink low and fall through the bottom to the numbing silence of isolation you suffered but found relief in as a child...i know...

it is a miserable thing to know how much i have hurt myself using others...but i know now...and i know not to as well...stopping myself as i reach for a bad relationship...an abusive situation...a dysfunctional person who will harm me...it has meant stopping contact with everyone for awhile and looking at what i do...and what they do...and seeing who to be around and who will just give me a fix...i now understand...it hasnt been until last night that i fully understand my trigger and when i pull it...this self inflicted wounding as i use another persons dysfunction...it feels so good to know completely...finally...

i have to thank that violent childhood of adults dancing their dysfunctions and fears over the children in their lives...you made me who i am today...one who sees through all manner of bullshit...who carries anger in her and is now transforming it into something greater...i can now protect my spiritual self and defend myself from anyone who wants to reach in and harm the vulnerable places in me...

i didnt become you...i am not weak and fearful...i dont hide out...what you see is what you get...i am stronger than anyones hate...i am more empowered than anyones punishment doled out in gossip or rejection...i am smarter than your game and politics of power and control...i am more than your ego's bullying...i am braver than your negative energy and dark thoughts...

i am all sides of me now...the peaceful and the angry...the light and dark...the body and spirit...the female and male...the earth and air...the fire and water...

i am no longer a ghost of my own life but a fully fleshed out human with a spirit that never broke...and a heart that never closed...righteously angry but cunning in how i react...never weak and silent again...no ones fool...not even my own...

and to those who harmed me...i forgive you...and thank you for the suffering you helped me create...i didnt know fully what i was doing to myself until now...and what you were helping me to do...it was all about transforming the pain into something greater...with each blow...with each mean thought directed at me...with each cruel word spoken to me...with each abusive action and manipulation...you hammered a great sword in the fires of my own suffering...i am a stronger warrior and healer than i ever knew...

 

 

i lift this sword not as a weapon to harm anyone...but as a beacon of light for my own self and others...i didnt go into the darkness and burn up in the flames of suffering...i lifted my spirit high and let it create the most noble and righteous sword for healing...i transform my painful experiences with it...and in ending my suffering i add light to the world...

 

may you who suffer see the path out of it and walk that path with the strength of spirit and the fire of your own suffering transformed...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ziggy marley says it best...

 

 

 

 

 

"Life has come a long way since yesterday, I say

And it's not the same old thing over again, I say
Just do what you feel and don't you fool yourself, I say
'Cause I can't make you happy unless I am, I say, I say, I

Got to be true to myself, got to be true to myself
Got to be true to myself, got to be true to myself

Day in, day out I've asked many questions, I say
Only to find the truth, it never changes, I say
If you don't deal with it, it keeps killing you a little by little, I say
Call me selfish if you will, my life I alone can live, I say, I say, I

Got to be true to myself, got to be true to myself in a way now
Got to be true to myself, got to be true to myself

I don't care if it hurts, I'm tired of lies and all these games
I've reached a point in life, aey no longer can I be this way
Don't come crying to me, I too have shed my share of tears
I'm moving on, yes I'm grooving on, aey well I'm finally free

I've got to be true to myself, got to be true to myself in a way y'all
Got to be true to myself, got to be true to myself, c'mon now

Got to be true, got to be true, got to be true to myself in a way y'all
Got to be true, got to be true, got to be true to myself"

 

 

never give up on yourself and never stop being yourself...

 

 

i have been an idiot for a long time now...made a fool out of myself for love again and again...stood up for justice and fairness but got hammered for it...havent stepped off my spiritual path for anyone...took less so others could have more...let myself be walked all over at times...lived in fear and lived with courage...i have had money and been flat broke...i worked long hours at jobs i hated and been unemployed...left abusive relationships and stayed in them for too long...i have lied to myself more than others...put up with too much BS...i have given away time to those not worthy of it while not giving time to good decent folks...i have hated myself often...but more than anything...more than all the good and the not good of my life i have always tried to stay hopeful...keep moving forward...keep healing...

 

tonight i got into the belly of the beast with it all...seeing through BS once again...understanding more about things than i wanted to know...unwilling to play by rules in a silly game constructed by ego...and i was feeling stupid...but then...i shifted my perspective...and stopped caring about the world and its bullshit...i dont care about anything other than my soul and my healing and my life tonight...

 

the rest is just not worth it...healing from my childhood and overcoming the pain of adulthood is all that matters tonight...i am getting there...and i know it...i know when i wake up tomorrow i am waking up to the truth...my truth...all of it...and i can take it...i can let go of the crap...hold close the goodness and live a better day than this...

 

i am excited...thrilled at this strength rising up in me...i have been this idiot who has screwed up in life and been screwed over...i am a human yet more...i am me...the me behind all of this...and damn it i sit here tonight in love with this stupid little life and all my human mess...that is a victory we should all know...to just say to hell with it...all the judging others do...all the demands and all the pressure to conform...

 

overcome...break free...be that one horse who kicks open the barn door and runs wild through the storm until you find the promised land of wide plains and tall skies...sweet grass to eat and cool spring water to fill you up...escape while you can...they want to nail the door shut...all those sheeple out there who want to pretend everything is ok just the way it is...let them stay imprisoned and trapped in the dark walls of that barn...fattened up and slaughtered! dont do it to yourself...dont stay there in that barn...dont give up...freedom is calling you out...

 

i AM that horse tonight...kicking free...running wild!

 

re-birthday

another sleepless night...the summer closing out...fall coming...letting it all fall now...the last threads holding the old patterns together...time shifting and folding and coming in and out like the tide...as the moon grows fuller i know i am emptying out more...and i am completely surrendering to this death of the old...

last summers end was so different...i was full of hope...after being set free of depression and being healed of that long suicidal battle i felt so hopeful...my birthday was coming up...i was buying a 50th cake...went to a cake shop...felt so excited and playful...but as my birthday approached so many i had coming to the party backed out last minute or put me last on their list...it felt odd and yet i had some amazing friends show up and made it a great party...

the following day a sweat lodge in my honor though it was an odd experience and a huge unraveling...i wouldnt have known i was honored but for the mention of it...there was no prayer...no recognition...it just was...i went off to the side and made offering...drummed...called upon my ancestors...asked for their blessing and healing...it had been years since i had done a sweat...i felt a longing undefined...i felt my roots go deep into mother earth...i felt the other womens energies...some not good...some full of ego...it was an odd but profound moment of understanding how i was perceived...one person even called me by anothers name...it was startling yet i was seeing more clearly then and it was empowering...i actually felt a deep loss that night...yet a deep understanding...the learning of perceptions had arrived...i lost women out of my life then...it was also a lesson about who you can trust and just how to perceive things in life with clear sight and stay true to myself...

it took months to heal from but i am on the last bits of it as well...i will never look with rose colored glasses at others again...i will not trust or let folks close to me who do not respect me...i deserve more dignity than i was shown then...but i have learned just how dangerous closed hearts and fear-based lives are to others...a closed heart is the most dangerous thing a human can possess...i do not trust closed heart people to do right by me or anyone...they are into avoidance of pain...and in this great fear of feeling vulnerable they cause great harm to themselves and others...i will never again put myself into their cage...

i let myself become overly cautious for awhile...it was good to do...i also allowed myself to feel what i needed to feel without censoring myself...

this summer i got deep into it all...my childhood and all the drama of the adults around me then...the damage it did to me...i am finally healing it with such a grace-filled compassion towards myself and them...and in healing that past i am healing the suffering of last year and of brokenness...those relationships were simply the re-creation of chidhood players of drama..amazing to see it now...

i sit in my apartment tonight feeling as if i am nearly drained of my old life...my health not recovered yet i have faith i will come back up from it...the stress is leaving me and this usually helps me recover my health...this time i dont want to let the stress return...i can be done with it as i am done with depression...

i am seeing myself and others with a startling honesty now...i see the dysfunctions of others and how mine is triggered and activated by theirs...i was talking this week to someone who became annoyed with me talking...and i watched it as i was speaking...i didnt pull back...i stood in my own power...women have this thing they do....they want me to be more like a docile man and shut up...listen to them...let them boss me....but i dont...i am a lesbian not a pseudo man...i am talkative like women can be...i am insecure and emotional...i am a woman...duh...yet so many women i have had in my life see me as this she male thing...and it is to me a mistreatment because i am a lesbian...it hurts...i have even had to tell women i am a woman...literally remind them i have the same feelings as them...yet it seems to get lost on them and they go right back to the same old treatment....then i dont give them what they want and they definitely dont like it...

straight women sometimes treat men and lesbians in such a bossy pushy way...not allowing themselves to simply stand in their own power while not seeking power over another...i am the monkey wrench in their plan...i dont let myself be controlled or manipulated any more...i have my power back...and some women dont like a strong woman around them...it is a threat to their power...like i want to take something from them...when i dont...i actually want to see them succeed...i just dont want to get walked all over in the process or be manipulated into doing anything i dont want to do...

i set myself free of trying to please others and now i just please myself...it makes for a more peaceful life...

i am in the end game of my healing...a process that started when i turned thirty...my birthday is coming up...a little over 20 years of self work and i finally understand how i abuse myself and how i self sabotage and why...why i picked women as partners who werent in love with me with much passion and who would get so annoyed by me...my dysfunctions and their dysfunctions making it so painful for both of us...i get it all now...i was simply looking for a parent who would reject me while picking partners who would infact reject me...simple and yet a pattern too hard to break until i reached deep and got fully engaged with my childhood and the healing...

i still have a heavy duty bit of childhood to lay to rest...but i am doing it...and it is at once emptying me out and freeing me up...i do feel the labor pains of my own rebirth...i feel the ripping apart and burning away of all that childhood mess...and i feel i am making peace with the patterns repeated through my adulthood...still need to forgive and heal a couple of interactions with people in my recent past...and i will...i dont want to hold onto the hurt of it any more...perhaps it will allow me to move on and find love...true love...i know i deserve it...though i can also be a true love to myself now...and am...

i am stronger even as my body has taken on illness from all the stress of dealing with my dark parts fully at last...but i know this short run of illness and asthma will go away as i free myself more and step fully into my new life...the one i finally allow myself to have....

so tonight sleep is still not coming as i write this...nearly 2 a. m....so i am going to journey into my last threads...brave it...let myself dream of it...understanding more...and finding greater peace and healing...this fall is about harvesting my life's work and moving on into a new time...i feel so grateful for the work i have done and the help others have given me through these 20 years of work...i feel like celebrating a re-birthday this year...in nature perhaps...in the quiet unfolding of gentle hours...walking barefoot on the good earth...feeling the drumming of my own heart....this september is a blessing...i know this birthday will be so much more peaceful...opening wings...finding my way...free...

to you...it is always you...

you are the sky of my happiness today...the ghost of your kind ways haunting my heart...lingering around the edges of all my smiles...leaping up from the fire of my joy like snapping dragons...thank you and thank you and thank you...

i once looked at your palm and saw your life line curving to the same degree as the slope of your hip...it made me blush even after we had traded a thousand kisses...and i still blush at the thought of your life line curving over me...

i am forever anchored to the love still whispering yes in my soul...

sweetly simple wings fold in to warm me in my thoughts of you...and the flow of thank you...the flow of love...

my dreams made more peaceful to gaze into...the comfort of your presence in my mind keeping the growling teeth of nightmares from me...

it is always you...as night lifts up on soft paws and comes to sit in my lap...these stretching hours of longing...not for the steam of sex but the uncorking...the decantation...the breaths of love...life line touching life line...giving in to gravity...to a relaxing of bones...to a sigh of taste...

i open the window...the candle falls silent...i lift my life line to the darkness and let go...thank you...to you...from me...always...