Sunday, January 27, 2013

drifting thoughts...


this is me tonight...a leaf on a lake...i feel this...adrift but relaxed...trusting the water and the breeze to carry me to where i need to go...

it was an interesting weekend...i let go of more...alot actually...and it gave me a great sense of relief...i am relaxing into my skin and my life...winter is about being alone and creating art...about realigning my life to my purpose...away from the pushing of egos and the tedious BS of life...it isnt easy but i need to...my health is alittle off and the things that wrecked my heart need to be fully addressed before i can step back into some places...

it is hard to remain in rhode island at times...it is a tough little state in many ways...but if you can see the absurdity and not let it get under your skin it is do-able...though at times it smacks you between the eyes before you know it...

i remember this guy at a train station in philly one time...he was explaining to me the difference between a yankee and a southerner...he said a southerner will get mad and pick up two 2X4s...he will throw one at you to pick up before he starts beatin on you...then when you both are worn out you will go have a beer together and its done...but if you dont pick up that board he wont fight you and he will carry a grudge against you...he said a yankee will get mad at you and not say anything...then he will go to all your neighbors and tell them what a no good dog you are...then he will pass out 2X4s and when you walk down your street they will jump out and beat on you...then they will go have beers and leave you behind...

i asked him which was he...he said neither...he was from the midwest...they'd just shoot you...

well there you go...it can always be worse i suppose...ha!

i thought of that tonight...still picking the splinters out of me from a tough year gone by...

i just keep quiting things i thought i would be doing...it gets alittle scary at times...but i also know something or maybe even someone is coming towards me....or i am stepping closer to something...all i know is i feel something good just out of sight...something is going to embrace me and i will embrace...and this gives me hope in these stretches of time alone...

so i drift...maybe i will dream of a fellow adventurer who loves to wander the landscape...gobbling up the green of the spring leaves...breathing in the wild onion...caught up in the swirls of muddy water...tasting the rain coming...

i want to duck into an old falling down farmhouse before the storm hits...i want to find a spot where the roof wont leak in...and i want to wait...til the first fat drops smack the rusted tin roof...i want to hold my breath and listen...and wait...til the thunder rolls over us and the trees shiver...

and i am not in rhode island tonight suddenly...but i am in the wildness of a spring storm...waiting....breathing...listening as the wildness begins to roar all around me...

you know...i think i understand myself alittle more in this moment...i think i get me more and more...and i like me...perhaps more than i have in twenty years...i know i respect myself more...and put up with less from folks who treat me disrespectfully...i think the green of spring is seriously going to give me a great boost and i look forward to it and all the good that is just inches away....

and there it is...the first plunks of rain on the tin...

moonrise...i rise...


in the sharp bite of winter the moon still dances...inspiring me...giving me this sweet knowing...she is always there...flowing in the heavens...we see her coming and going...emptying and filling the sky...yet she is always fully herself...

the science of my mind tells me the moon is not a she...science tells me the moon creates the tides and is seen because of the sun's light...yet all the facts are still not enough to dislodge the delight i have in also knowing she has a spirit...as the earth does...

i have long loved the moon...as a sister...she is soft spoken and gentle...comforting me and loving me through my life...always there...from the first time i remember looking up at her until the last time...i will always be grateful and inspired by her beauty and kindness...

this full moon came like a sweeping away of more old patterns and revealed more of what i should let go of...and i have...as easily as she spills coins upon the water i let go of more...emptying out after a long phase of filling up...i stand in the heavens of my higher self...full in spirit...yet emptied out of my suffering...peaceful...a wonderful moment of balance occurring...when i hear my own voice clearly...i feel the strength of my own spirit fiercely...and my heart lifts up and expands...filling up...full now...a circle of light...




Wednesday, January 23, 2013

somewhere else...


feeling it tonight...suddenly...the weight of the night pressing against me...the hum of the fridge too loud...being alone...and i want to be somewhere else...at the beach...or in the woods...up a tree or in a tent...somewhere else...but i am here...but where is here these days?...all of it i hoped it would be fell away...and i am changing...closing rooms in my heart and opening new ones...not sure of what to do now that so much fell away...i am definitely feeling the symbolic death of the old...even my body is helping me out on that one...

i did a journey tonight and ended up in that perfect summer of youth...the wild streaks of laughter out in the moonlight...camping...the snatching embers racing up into the night sky...the stars so close you could scoop them up with your hands...and a young girl sits with an older girl...touching hands softly and talking about the somedays coming at them...

waking in the morning in a damp tent...campfire breakfast and r.c.cola to wash it down...a hike or a work day helping to put in trails...deers crossing your path...woodpeckers tapping out messages quickly...break time and the kids on the work crew push over standing dead trees into the river...boots packed with mud...pants soaked from digging out buckets of creek rocks to throw on the trail...taking a detour trail when you smell a copperhead nearby...another time a detour as a skunk comes too close...

i was strong then...and brave...tanned and toned...full to the brim with dreams...with ambition...with young love...i worked hard and played harder...i ran every day and went to basketball practice...

summer was ending and the other girl went away...the tent got taken down...the summer job ended...the tan faded...the leaves fell...the snow came...and i was suddenly a high school senior...plotting and planning for a future of adventures...hopeful...

and life did the dance of time it does...some dreams made it and some dreams faded...some dreams didnt mean the same as i grew older...other dreams were still born...

and the bigger dreams i failed at...and they nearly broke me...and i sit here tonight without dreams...i had them as recently as last summer...good dreams...new dreams...and i was growing strong again...ready to turn 50 and have a fresh start...full of so much hope and genuinely excited...but then something happened i still dont understand...

it was as if i had my nose pressed against the toy store window and had the money in my pocket but the shop owner locked the door on me...no you cant have anything...your money is no good here...

and i didnt fight it...i walked up the road and turned the doorknob and stepped into this place...and behind these walls i search for understanding...i offer myself encouragement...i tell myself my body will get well and my heart will mend...that i will show up someplace and my offerings will have value...but for now i am working on getting well and not worrying about anything else...

maybe i am that girl again somewhere in me...maybe tonight i am sitting on that campground picnic table...looking up at the stars...smiling at the other girl beside me as she talks about her beagle and how she wants to go to california and "see the biggest trees you could ever hope to see kelley"....

maybe i can feel some of that youthful hope and excitement again...or at least some of the courage...dang i was definitely brave...

maybe i can stop feeling so damn old tonight...maybe she will visit me in my dreams and remind me how strong i can be...and that i still deserve better...

yep i am gonna dream of my younger self tonight...in my green work pants and t-shirt...my work boots and baseball cap...she is gonna teach me how to build dreams again...and believe again...


Monday, January 21, 2013

words...

words get lost off the edges of paper...toppling over in a sudden exhale of breath...withering under a slow moving pen...or scratched out...unable to capture the meaning...to find the depth...floating away...lacking the gravity of the situation...

words leap back and hide...words collide...words explode...words crawl under a stack of papers and wait to pounce...

words miss the mark and are erased...

words sing your praises...words dance in fancy lines on pink neon card stock....words glide along...sleek poetry leaning against the bottom of the page waiting for you to read on...

words between the lines suddenly make sense...words in big bold print shout at you...

words missing the point...words falling short...

words dripping honey sweet...words and words and words...tender words dropping like rose petals onto the page...

i wish i had the words to express how i feel...i wish i had the words to convince you...i wish i had the words to make things make sense...

are these words self evident?

can words paint a picture?

will words ever be a fitting container when i write i love you?

words will flow from me until i have no more words left in me...

but words are not your soul food...they will not feed you...you dont trust the words from my pen...they never filled you...tasteless words i am sure you thought my offerings were...not worth the reading...not worth the adventure...but my words want you to know i am here....thinking...wanting you to know...who i am...

Saturday, January 19, 2013

here i am...

 
its midnight...outside a few cars pass by...i looked out the dark window and saw my face looking in at me...i opened the window...breathed in some crisp cold air...down the street a dog barks...the streetlights hang like paper lanterns...
 
earlier friday morning i sat on an examination table...white sheet over my lower half...young intern coming in...she knew me from two years ago she said...the hysterectomy..."yeah that was a tough one...you had a close call...nearly bled out on the table"...and i heard her words and i remember i was in bad shape but who knew...close call?...couple of units of blood and extra days in the hospital...the grit it took to get well...pushing myself...cant stay in bed...get up and get at it...every day pushing myself...and at the studio...knowing i shouldnt climb that ladder to put something up...but i did any way...pushing and willing myself well...and at the same time in my studio all i could think about sometimes was how i wish my life would get fixed somehow...that it would all just get better...
 
so i am sitting there and she is talking...they dont know why i still have fatigue...they do know i dont have cancer...three options for the ovary issue but a simple procedure might work...she fires questions at me...yes i am having hot flashes...no it doesnt hurt when i have intercourse (because i dont have intercourse...did she read the part that says patient is a lesbian...should i tell her...but she is on to the next question)...yes i take my iron pill...no i dont want to try physical therapy...i do shavasna and light yoga...and on and on the questions and then the exam and we are done...come back in four weeks...see where "we" are at then...me? i will still not be having intercourse...
 
as i am pulling on my clothes i stop...outside a crow is flying with a bit of string in its beak...i watch it land on a wire and drop the string...it looked down but didnt bother to retrieve it...and then it struck me...this was the same room i sat in two years ago...when they told me what was going to happen...i forgot that...i forgot the view...but it came back...i had looked out the window then...after pulling on my clothes like now...thinking of all those times i wanted children...i remember holding my belly...the uterus getting bigger from the cysts...i felt this great letting go this time...not with any sadness...just as if i were that crow dropping a bit of string...
 
i stood at the window of my apartment tonight...sore from having my belly pushed on...thinking about that string falling...it is that easy...to let go of something and then fly away...
 
you can let go of someone you wanted to be with for the rest of your life...you can let go of a job...you can let go of a place you call home...you can let go of fear...you can let go of heart ache...you can let go of resentment...it falls away...and then you can find something else to hold onto....or not...maybe it is just knowing you can lift yourself up and fly across the landscape...a single crow without a family...able to find a way to parts still unknown... 
 
there is peace tonight...i am going to let myself have a good long sleep...i will make a pot of coffee in the morning...i will clean my apartment and work on my painting...keeping it simple and quiet for now...so i can hear myself...
 
i am so full of love...so blessed...and so profoundly grateful for my strong wings...




 
 
 
 


Thursday, January 17, 2013

time machine...

 

got in the time machine this afternoon and travelled back to my youth...music long hair and bell bottom jeans...bibbed overhauls and tube tops...r.c.cola and moon pies...dusty roads and converse high tops...racing moonbeams and soft dreams of what the future would bring...i was a wide eyed wonder...ready to do art and life two fisted and roaring...but then...it began to break...the weight of the other part of my life...the darker sadder parts...but i still kept at it...splatters of paint on all my clothing...and years stacking up high til they toppled over on me and crushed my dreams...

but i am a child from the south...and i nearly forgot that...up here in new england it is a different planet...they forget some of us aint from here...we do it differently...with food and hugs and the shirt off our backs...we dont go stoic...we turn to steel...we cant shut up...we speak our mind...we do it all loud and proud...we sob at funerals and at weddings...we dont hold it in or hold it down...we are not a pretty bunch but we do clean up nice...we know honey talk and slow dancing on steamy summer nights...we can call owls from the woods and stand with deer at sunset...we can look you in the eye and tell you the truth...and you always know you have a loyal friend and someone who has got your back...

i forgot that...i forgot it for years...never fitting in...never letting myself be myself...but now these are new times...

as i listened to the songs of my teenage years i had to smile and remember who i was...the pocket knife and the headband...the bare feet in red clay mud...the bottle collecting returned for three cents a piece...the turntable and the stack of albums...the red light on the stereo...the daydreams that wandered into night...the park trails and camping...the girls who acted like boys and the boys who wanted to be girls...the moon rising up over rolling hills...the katydids and the whip-poor-wills...the promises i made to myself but didnt keep ...

and so the music got me back there and all the way to here again...and here i am...a middle aged teenager with her real life ready to begin after years of false starts...

i said out loud again today i want a fresh start...it isnt even that exactly...i want to pick up where i fell apart...where i gave up...gave in...gave over to everyone elses needs...and i am...going back...gathering up the parts of myself i let go of...and all the crap i carried along with me...well i am going southern on that trash...pile it up and grab the lighter fluid...that is how you get rid of things southern style!

tick tick tick

i struggled to settle in last night...restless...very restless...the mood to run away and join the circus kinda restless...yet the painting is here and the last few days of it i am giving myself before i have to make decisions about what direction my life will go in now...so i am savoring it...enjoying the moment of weightless freedom...

being at the helm of my own life as a single person is not enjoyable but i can manage it...i tend to go in circles with no one at the helm with me...it feels unnatural and it is definetly unwanted...but it is my life right now and i will navigate it and do well...i have tremendous faith in myself and the unseen always with me...

the starting over part is nearly fulfilled...it has been a rough voyage to get to these calmer waters...i met some sea monsters along the way...and a couple of times the storms nearly overturned me...but i am by nature a survivor...though feeling like a castaway these days...i have learned though...i am never alone in this voyage...simply away from the company of other sailors at times...

now i see land...a chain of islands ahead...some bigger than others...i am sure it is much like hawaii in that each island offers something different...but all are beautiful...i have fought hard to get here...to find self love and self respect...to not put myself last any more or push myself to the breaking point for others but learn to care for my needs and make them just as important...in moments of great doubt i still feel selfish for taking this time alone...for not going out and doing the mainstream job even if my body cant take it right now...i feel like i should work at mending fences but i dont want to...let the sheep roam i hear myself say...

i have the quiet company of myself theses days and needed it...it will change...but i am not the same as i was before this voyage of deeper self discovery...i dont see others in the same way...i am less trusting...i am not as patient with the pushing people do...their egos all messy and tar like...i have no tolerance for it...

maybe i changed because the tar got too thick and was weighing me down...i simply got pulled under by their egos and drama...jealousy and envy are such poisons...i can smell it a mile away and find it so insulting...and i saw alot of that for years...and it wanted to climb into me...this ugly poison...i have never understood it...the push of ego is understandable...but the other...jealousy and envy...i dont fully understand this...it is a level of ownership another wants i simply struggle with understanding...doesnt make me better or worse...i just dont get some things...and i dont get the level of insecurity and desire to own another person...it isnt love...it is ego...

in this boat and in the crazy waves of some of my storms i found faith in the unseen to a greater and deeper level...yet lost my faith in religions and words and rules...only one thing floated to the surface of my own knowing or reached into me as these storms raged...this was the feeling of all encompassing love...it wasnt a wishy washy love...no butterfly wings and glitter...but this was a fiercely compassionate love...it bolted through me at times...pushing tears out and thrashing me wildly in those rough waters...it wanted me to get it...to learn from my past...to be stronger...to not harden my heart...to stay open...to let myself feel the pain and not numb out...

and so i was the eager student once more...learning how to let go...surrender...go with it...trust myself at last...listen to myself...do what was right for me...

and so the waters are calm today...the sun is shining brightly...i have a soft warm salty breeze sifting through my hair...i rock slowly and steadily to shore...i am nearly there...i can hear a heartbeat matching mine...a friendly hand ready to reach out and pull my battered little boat up on the sand...it is a dawn i am drawing near to...golden light pouring down over shimmering emerald water...i am happy to be here at last...








Wednesday, January 16, 2013

moonchild is back!

oh my gosh i was so amazed to move a stack of works in progress and find my moonchild painting!...i thought i had sold her!!!....and i couldnt remember who i sold her to...but here she is keeping me company tonight...awesome!

 
i painted her on a really really good day full of hope and sunshine many years ago now...a day when i thought my relationship would go on and all my dreams were gonna come true...i remember painting the tiny white boat at the bottom and the water dragon swimming up to it...i painted that part when my heart was drumming wildly in my chest...and all the colors and faces and shapes lifted up from the waves...the moon energy rising up in me...and even though the dreams never walked into reality and the relationship shape shifted into a loving friendship...
 
i still can sit with this painting and feel the slow waves of happiness wash over me...cleansing me as if i am standing in the ganges with all those pilgrims...seeking to be made clean of all my wrongful and hurtful actions...forgiven...renewed...purified...
 
i am so delighted i still have this special painting...what a wonderful evening it is becoming!  

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

happy day

i am painting and painting today...my mind drifting into different worm holes of thought...still forming what i am doing now that i feel like i have some traction on my path again...and it isnt easy but i will figure it out...do the safe thing? do the by the seat of the pants adventuress thing? finally fully trust my own wisdom? where is my bliss? if i do my life will i be alone in it or will i be encouraged and supported? does it matter? alone feels better these days...no pressures...no drama...just the peace of my days...when i am around others they push up against me with stupid ego stuff i just dont have the patience for any more...BS annoys the heck out of me and plastic fake stuff literally makes my brain hurt!...i want to be in the woods or on the beach...i want to fly kites and eat pie at a diner at 3 a.m.....i want to grow a garden and sleep in a tent for an entire summer!...i want to take up running again...nothing is stopping me...

i guess i need to start trusting to be around a few folks again...inch my foot out into the world again...be me and let those who dont like it shove off...i dig me when i am alone like this...painting...bribing myself with brownies...taking dance breaks...i like that i can meditate and release tears of joy...i am happy when i touch the unseen and feel embraced by love...i lost some of my belief in others and in some systems of belief...

but i have gained this unstructured flowing belief...it is in the tops of trees swooping down at night...it is light on water...fog crawling ashore...squirrels digging holes...it is the smell of snowfall and the ladybug on my wall...it is the veins on the tops of my hands...it is in the smile that greets me each morning at the bathroom mirror...it is nature...it is me...this is what i believe in now...the god in everything...

there are systems i dont belief in...mean people i dont believe in...unkind acts i dont believe in...violent movies i dont believe in...yet i believe in the sip of water i just blessed...the soft yes in my heart...the darkness folding in tonight...

and i believe especially in love...but no surface love...i believe if you love it cant be faked or approached from cautious distances...i believe in the love that is so powerful it can crack open a boulder of barriers around someones heart...i believe real love is fearless...it is a potion so potent it can heal any brokenness within...it is a blast of light from the edge of forever caught in your heart before it is even sent to you...it is the most powerful force of unforced energy ever to be...and i adore the great artist dreamer who created it!

i have loved my day of creating art and thinking in and out of worm holes...i have loved feeling like me and being happy...i am so blessed to have had this day...what an adventure!

thank you god of everything...great artist dreamer...

Monday, January 14, 2013

sacred water...

stood at the waters edge earlier...praying...took a few minutes to do a breathing meditation...and then a journey...i felt so held in love by the unseen...i felt perfect...i felt inspired...as i journeyed i was dissolved...a part of nature...the sand and rocks...the seagulls and fish...the water...the wintry plants and bare trees...i felt my spirit lifting...i was the fog...i was expanding out across the water...

in this immense stillness of the moment i found myself far off shore...on a little coastal island in maine...i was surrounded by harbor seals...and a harbor seal came up to me...a guide...it was there to be of service in helping me find my way to the next chapter/class room of this life...

i didnt stay but returned to myself and will journey there again and find my guide and open up...but for now i know i am to have a few more days to myself...in solitude...creating more art and finishing projects...i accept this solitude so gratefully...it has helped me hear my own voice and explore what i want to do...it has let me heal and recover and slow down...rest...realign with myself...i am seeing things so clearly and feeling stronger in spirit each day...and now i have a cool harbor seal guide to talk to...love that!

new day full of zen grey

to journey out in nature is the best!...to be out in nature in all her different moods keeps me in intimate contact with her and her wisdom...winter nights that sink into my bones is especially powerful...but fog is also a tremendous experience to journey in...soon i will step from my car and into the fog of this winter morning and stand at waters edge...pray...meditate...journey...open to knowing as i seek my direction...within myself...and my place in this world...

the 50s i feel are mine to enjoy to the fullest...in a way my 40s were about holding back way too much and giving up way too much...this past year was about learning to expand and be open and also have boundaries...to understand the levels of trust and how to trust myself...who to trust also in life...how to step back into places and give myself permission to be me...not a shadow of someone else or invisible...and last year i returned home to the ways i grew up with in greater measure...my moral and spiritual ethics a challenge to others but i will not stand down from my ways or ask anyone to step away from theirs...

it felt difficult to stand up for myself and my ways at times...but i love where i came from and what shaped me...i stepped away from it to try to fit in the world for too many years...and it cost me...i will not pay the entrance fee to a world i never belonged in anyway...i wanted a family, inclusion, respect...but lesbians and gay folks and fringe people have to give up too much to fit into the mainstream...i realized i would rather be out in the ocean than in the narrow mainstream...and i would rather be alone than be around people who demand i assimilate and do as they do even if i dont believe in what i am doing...now i am free...and i will find those who dont cookie cutter their lives either yet respect me and have self respect...and if i dont then i dont...i simply do not want to feel pushed by others any more...pushed in a way that is ego based...

i love strong open-hearted people...i find them to be respectful and honest...and incredibly trust worthy...it is what i strife to be myself...

i honor who i am in greater measure now...learning to more quickly address those who let their egos slober all over the place or step out of the way of all that silly stuff...i use to take it all so personally...now i just see it as a waste of my time...and i have no need to be wasteful with my life any more...lessons learned last year were monumental in this way...

last night i let myself journey into nature and experience the dance of night...the sounds and the textures...the cold touch...the dark flight...the freedom...the embrace and acceptance of who i am and how i navigate my own life...i felt loved....this morning i will step into the fog...walk to the shoreline and open myself up to the wisdom water holds...where beneath the surface the earth itself lives so much of its life unseen...

the ocean has always meant comfort to me...where songs are born...where dreams sail in from distant places...to remember the first time i saw the ocean as a very young child and know each time is like the first...the excitement rising up in my belly and out my throat in a great sigh of happiness...

this will be a very good morning...



Sunday, January 13, 2013

sitting in the emptiness

i did a journey this morning where i asked for guidance on what direction my life should take...i have no real dreams left...so many of my beliefs have fallen away or evolved quickly so that i am playing catch up...i removed myself from many peoples lives and become a person of solitude lately...it feels foreign to me to crave being alone but to be around others is too harmful to me right now...i like it simple now...each day as it comes...

i surrendered to this journey for direction...

i sat in a hut...nothing but a yak skin to sit on...i was cold and had little on...and i was alone...it was very quiet and dark...

but even in the stillness and lack of light i saw a shape appear across from me...touching knees...it was a peaceful shadow figure...i knew i was safe...and even without sound i heard an inner hum of my own body...the sound of my pulse...the sound of air entering and leaving my body...

a voice drifted over me...as if it were coming from all the directions and forming itself from the air above me...

the air walker asked me: are you lost?
me: i dont feel lost...i feel emptied out...
air walker: describe...
me: its as if i can sit for hours meditating or drive my car or have a conversation and it all simply feels void of purpose...not happy or sad...simply there...simply what i go through...
air walker: does this thereness serve you?
me: it helps me focus in on the truth behind everything i suppose...it helps me see nothing is important to me...that i am unimportant...this body...this life...this world...it all just is...
air walker: are you unhappy with this?
me: no i am not happy or unhappy....it is just new to feel this...last night i felt emptied out...this morning i had a moment of feeling uneasy yet it fell away...it is as if i am...i am un-alive in one way yet more alive in another...it is hard to describe...

the air walker left and the figure across from me i realized was my most trusted guide...the buddhist monk...he took my hands...i felt his compassion...

a spark of light entered and hovered in front of me...it hurt my eyes so i closed them...it spoke in its way...

the spark: are you afraid in your life now?
me: no...i cant say i am afraid today...right now...
the spark: do you have any discomfort?
me: my body is in alot of pain at times...but it is just a body...they fail at times and i accept it...i do my best to make myself well...but human bodies break down...i am focused on wellness...
the spark: are you lost?
me: (i chuckled...it seemed funny to be asked this again)...no i am not lost...just empty...just feels like i am in a waiting room...as if i am sitting in an empty waiting room...

the spark left...the buddhist monk took shape completely now...he smiled...his kind face made me cry...he touched my cheek...he said: you think you are empty? if you were empty would you spill these tears?

i couldnt answer...but i knew the answer as if it had suddenly been freed in me...

i am not empty...my life isnt empty...my heart isnt empty...it is full...in a beautiful way yet empty of struggle...when i am around others i feel empty in a sorrowful way...i feel the weight of the unkindness others deliver to me...i feel their dislike...i feel the push of their egos...their messy ways...the destruction they create in being unkind...it is as if they are eating up all the good in the world and replacing it with darkness...and it is hard for me to see...to witness...i feel it...and so to survive it i now stay away...so i dont create darkness...or return darkness for darkness...or get pulled into darkness...

the monk felt my words and smiled even more...and i understood...to return unkindness with even more kindness...to give even more...but i am so tired of this path...i am so incredibly tired of this world...its brokenness...and this is all i find...this is all people show me...all i get is their brokenness...the plasticness...their mess...

the monk: if you could have anything at this moment what would it be?
me: a good home cooked meal...a massage...my headache to go away...the beach...
the monk: not money or a fast car or a house? he chuckled
me: i just need some kind attention i can let in...i need to be able to trust again...i need to not be so empty...though empty is safe...i know i shouldnt be empty...
the monk: what is wrong with this emptiness?
me: it is escaping...i am escaping a world that is too much to take...
the monk: take it simply...take it in small ways...take it slowly...or dont...
and we both laughed because he sounded just like the dalai lama...

the hut went dark...i was there alone...breathing...i got into the shavasna pose...tears fell to each side of my face...i breathed...i relaxed my body...the journey was done...

and now i am in my day...traffic outside and sirens and small birds chirping...my headache is still there...my fatigue still plaguing me...i need to go out and yet i could sleep more...there is no sadness in me...only waiting...i will decide my path soon...where and how and all the rest...it will come...i am not afraid...i am not impatient...and i find this compassion for myself i find very touching...it is ok if my life is empty now...it is what i need to experience...

colorful

i am not the color you limit me to...even in the grey there is lavender and blue...and in the black of night a flash of silver and a blur of yellow...i am all the different greens in the forest...i am the quiet veins of arizona turquoise...i am the color of love and the color of anger...reds upon reds...i am the white of a cloud pressed against the blue of sky...i am the golden of the thread stretching from my soul to yours...yet all you seem to see is a plain brown...dull and uninspired...when i am so much more if you would only see through the open gates of your heart...

Saturday, January 12, 2013

free flowing...

in the long ago the great dreamer dreamed...dreams became water...water was life...my eyes opened...i was the first star fish child...swimming up...taking my first memory into me...sent from the dreamer with love...

i am the silver fish of light...when one night the sky burst its seams and sent us down...shooting star fish...from the light...sent from the dreamer with love...how could i not embrace my life...sent from the great dreamer into this life...with love...

you and i are star fish children...dancing through our lives...sent from great dreamer with love...dancing into the light of each others life...

~*~
 
i see her...body bending...swirling...arching...transcending...moving as if she is a leaf caught up in a caressing breeze...i watch...the admiring oak smiling at the freedom she invokes in me...she...she sets me free...i call the songbirds in to sing her praises...this beautiful dancer...soft and enchanting...i barely breath as she dances...hands commanding the air...lifting daring dancer smoothly flowing...she must know she is from the star fish as well...

~*~

i breath her in and breath her out...sacred flesh...sacred soul...sacred spirit...she takes me through the gate...over the threshold and marries me to eternity...i am alive again...she has breathed new life into me with love...

~*~

soaring hawks...fast as fire...riding waves of air...racing over lands we do not know...i race to find her a perfect nesting place...higher and higher...gliding and going til the cold turns to warmth...til brown turns to green...til hills rise up and become mountains...i have found us our home...here...here is where we will bring up our children...here where the mountains hold all the worlds stories...and our children will learn them all...

~*~
 
you slice me a pear...you pierce a slice with your knife and lift it to my lips...our first picnic...1910...paris...you had the same brown eyes as you had the last time...we smile and begin to grow old together...

~*~
 
running up the street...a blur of hurry and worry...missing the bus...i see your face...you see mine...the bus pulls away...sadly i know then...it will be another lifetime...

~*~

we live as poets and priests and pirates and queens...we shift and grow wings...we sit and become trees...we breath like dolphins and dance like wildflowers...and love forever...

Friday, January 11, 2013

the deep end

her eyes brim with holy water...if i come close to her i fall in and drown....

i have fallen in often...i dont want to let myself get too close any more...when you cant seem to learn to swim you stay away from dangerous edges...yet...

i sit in her voice as she tells me surface things...between the words i hear the truth she doesnt speak...i can take this i tell myself...i can take this frozen surface...at least i wont drown...

in the church of i love you...i kneel and openly pray to a woman i dare to love until the end of all my days...i look around and see other lovers of love there too...a lonely dried out crowd...i feel my skin cracking...i know i will fall in again...but maybe this time i will float...



Thursday, January 10, 2013

i imagine me

nights are winged enchantments
where i lift myself up into the dark
slowly curving to the right
finding the land's end 
 
my body floats on the water
held up by gentle waves
selkies nudge me and mermaids sing
til the shore of an island is reached
 
i walk the beach in solitude
writing out your name
drawing hearts and smiley faces
happy to wait for you to discover me
 
if i were standing in a grocery line
or walking through a park
i would hardly be noticed
yet in my world i shine
 
the days are very ordinary
and neatly stacked alone
but nights are mine to pretend
i am more than just a ghost






journey into the art cave...

what a blast i had in my journey this morning...basically my shaman-self guide let me have a creative meltdown in the cave i have been going to ....got to splash way cool colors onto the walls and rocks....covering myself as i had at it...i sang and howled and danced and just cut loose all the weight of things tangling me up for years...was awesome!

i shouted out all those stupid words i have been called or that have been used to describe me...hearing them echo back...merge and blend and become this string of silliness...the words: whore useless intense damaged fat unlovable weird dyke psychotic freak...and more...all of them from all the times in my life where mostly women have flipped out on me...spewing pathetic words...and i took it without throwing words back...i took those words in...all those words swirled and snaked together...twisting and tangling...but in the cave i laughed and the venom in the words became soapy bubbles...i popped them...the echo ran them all together and i howled suddenly....this great howl came up in me as i faced these rolling words....i howled in a powerful way...from the deepest place in me...i howled back at the women who used those words and at the words themselves...words have energy but i had greater and more powerful energy in my howl...and those words didnt stand a chance...

(by the way i suggest it for you too...howl at all that crap in you...howl at all those names you have been called...go out in a car or the woods or in your house...wherever...and howl!...pull those words up and howl them into shreds!...get them out of you..they never deserved to live in you in the first place...they were other peoples poison to carry...and when someone calls you a name again...well use that howling wolf energy to stop them...you deserve to be spoken to with respect and not idiot words from ignorant mouths!)

so i got my freak on and played until i could not fling one more bucket of paint or dance one more step...it was just what i needed..i feel my mojo is back...i feel my vitality is back...my courage rising...the adventuress critter i am emerging from her hibernation...

still dont know exactly what i am going to be doing in the spring...but this time here in winter is about art and writing and hatching some good plans...it is about me...as it should be:)...at last...i love my solitude and i love my creativity and i love how i am so much of a warrior who can fight for her own life and win! no matter what the challenges are i can howl...i can stand up strong...i can be fierce and not take on anyone elses poison any more...

the amazing line i wrote in deep purple on the colorful cave wall is something i live now...
the negative energy others send you is marked return to sender
i think this is wicked cool...not only to know but to do! all you lovers of fear keep holding on to your fears if you want...it is a shame but oh well...for me i am done with my fears...and this lover of love is thrilled to stand in my art cave and know i am free...always have been...i just bought into the idea i had to step into prison cells with others...


 

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

pockets full of stories...

A Litany for Survival
by Audre Lorde

"For those of us who live at the shoreline
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
... for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
futures
like bread in our children's mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours:

For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother's milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.

And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid
love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid
So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive.”

~Audre Lorde, The Black Unicorn: Poems

i pulled this poem up today because so much came up in me last night...dreams crashed in on me all night...pulling me down more and more as the night grew thicker...i could barely breath at one point...waking up gulping for air...struggling in a drowning dream in which i died and sunk to the bottom of murky water...i was an old woman with stones in her pockets...when i died i fell through the bottom of the lake i was in and stood in a field watching a fire consume everything but me...i only felt the torture of the flames licking skin from my body...

another dream i was sitting inside a quiet house with sophie from the book "sophie's choice"...it was a book i read as a young woman and it still haunts me...her death and what broke her still brings up strong emotions...for many years i worried the struggles of my heart would break me...and so i sat with her at her kitchen table as she nervously smoked her cigarettes and kept drinking strong coffee...it was as if we were waiting...for a person to appear...or a bus to stop outside we would get on...we waited...but then i realized we were waiting for time to be done with us...to just sit and wait for it all to be over...yet we both knew it was not coming quick enough...

another dream of going to my hometown...of driving my mother to my grandmothers...somehow my grandmother was still alive...sitting in a chair...and the old man...her husband...was running around...it all felt the most surreal...i only understood one moment as anything i knew growing up...when he went out the door calling her "baby doll"...that was always his nickname for her...and as he left this time he gave her a small bottle of perfume...and i remember he would always give her these gifts she never liked...would always complain about when he was gone...would toss aside...this brought alot up in me...

when i did wake up this morning i didnt know where i was...i didnt know if i was young or old...my apartment was cold...it felt like my grandmothers room...a moment of real terror...to be in a room like hers..to create that in my life...her cold, sick room...little wonder my mom became just like her mom...in the dream they could have been twins...with their crippled bodies...how my mom acts...how she thinly hides out now...there really is no place to hide her dysfunctions now...i have so much compassion for her at times i can feel my heart glowing...she has no idea how much i wish she had been able to free herself from her suffering...to be healthy spiritually, physically and mentally...she was poisoned by the craziness of her childhood and never had the strength to extract the poison...even as she gets overwhelmed with it all sometimes and directs it at me i do understand and find compassion...i do get why she broke...i just will not allow the poison in me to spread...i am removing every damaged cell, ever drop of toxic suffering from me...i hoped this for her...i think she may have in small degrees...i think she will die with the poison in her though...and this is sad...still i pray for her...

and so i string these dreams together today...and do a journey into them...and a line of lordes poem echoed in my journey..."we were never meant to survive"...

and this is true...but some of us do...and find meaning in life...or at least a tolerance for life...and then some very blessed ones find purpose...even a simple purpose...to keep us tethered to our own body and to keep it from being painful to experience our own lives...

for me taking a breath in the morning and opening my eyes was painful at times...i just didnt want to live in this world...people were unkind and cold...i longed to be held and told everything would be ok...i struggled with isolation and feelings of being worthless...

even this last year i felt thrown away or low on the list with others...yet i had what sophie never discovered...what my own grandmother and mother could not find beyond their wounds of low self esteem...i found acceptance...

i didnt find it from others...in fact rejections have changed part of me...i wont trust others easily again...i dont say this is a bad thing...i have armor now and will not be harmed again...i have self respect now...this is what i found...self respect...

i am no longer desperate for acceptance from others...truth of it is i have been "cured" of that...i honestly could care less what others think of me...good or bad...it is more important how i feel about myself and my choices...

i have acceptance from myself...i have an immense feeling of worthiness within me...

i am not my mother, my grandmother, sophie...i am not giving up...i will not wade into my crone years with stones in my pockets...i will not sit and wait for death...i will not allow the poison to snake through my veins more than it has...i am healing myself...and i did see this as i dreamed...i sat with their despair but i did not despair...there is an amazing victory in this...not pockets full of stones for me...but pockets filled with stories...

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

a journey...


in the palm of my hand i held the crystals...each one filled with clear light...i handed them out to those around me and when i was done there was still one...in the middle of each crystal was a single wish...some folks wished for houses...others wished for fame...others for wellness and even more for youth to return to them...i held my crystal up and looked at it for the longest time...i could be practical or wasteful...i could wish for a mound of gold or an island paradise...but all i wanted at that very moment was to have my hand held...and so i wished for this...and it was granted...for as long as i stayed in my journey i felt the simple pleasure and immense happiness of holding a hand...and i am still smiling and letting that gentle company linger as night draws the covers nearer and sleep calls to me...i am at peace...

in my cave seeing great things...

my spiritual retreat is nearing an end...i have just a few more days of self imposed isolation...i must say it has been much needed...the solitude...not having so much assault my senses...keeping it all simple...not doing the dishes at times or even leaving the apartment for days...it has allowed me to sit quietly with my thoughts...ask deep questions...look into dark corners...open my heart more...untangle knots of frustration and hurt...heal wounds....embrace the small sweet seeds of new dreams i will soon plant...

i am painting and exploring some images...writing stories and getting to know characters who want to tell their stories...

the journey work has given me so much...showing me how to navigate these new times and what i am to do with the winter season and beyond...my prayers and meditations are helping give me strength and expanding my soul's presence into my days and nights...

dreams are forming around themes i still struggle with...dreaming brings great moments of clarity...

i have changed in many ways in such a short time...but this happens when you are outside of time and can do the long work there...what would have taken years has come in weeks...it is remarkable when i think of it from inside time...yet in the journey world of dealing with themes and patterns it is all timeless...it is easy to line up the lessons and receive them...

some beliefs have fallen away...some people are gone from my life...some things i use to do for self protection i dont do anymore for they are....hmmm...their "use by" date has expired...

words to encompass all this work falls short...and i am still working on some of it...but i am happy and becoming grounded in a way that is crone-like i think...or as if i had an owl spirit on my shoulder all the time...i certainly have a wonderful crazy fun angelic guardian who watches out for me and cheerleads me...s/he is teaching me how to laugh again and loosen up...

my apartment has become the perfect cave for a few weeks now...and for a wee longer still i will paint and do the work on myself i need to finish...but today i am napping and letting myself take a painting break...then more at some point i suppose as the sun goes down and i am reinvigorated by the nap...

i so needed this time to listen to myself and get reacquainted with parts of myself i buried many years ago...i thought i had lost myself after this past year...too old to revisit some dreams and create new ones...but i think i was having my energy drained by some things...now it is coming back and i am much relieved...and for the first time in i dont know how long i have not had my typical winter depression cycle...that is incredible...now i get to have the fun and enjoyment of figuring out what i want to do...i already have the childlike excitement in knowing i can do anything i want to do...

it is all wicked cool!



Sunday, January 6, 2013

gratitude

yours is the smile which makes it all the way to the center of my soul...
 
like a warm stream of sunlight pouring through the trees...
you bring the greenness of life into me...
 
i smile back and say thank you with my eyes...
 
this is love...this is life...

Saturday, January 5, 2013

i am taking the garbage out

i am questioning things on a very deep level right now...letting myself be objective and subjective as i take on the issues coming up in me...letting myself feel anger if it comes up...looking at it as a mr. spock would..."fascinating" i hear that pointy eared vulcan say with his one eyebrow raised...

and it is fascinating to walk deeper into myself...i have done so much heavy work on myself...navigating the PTSD (thanks you crazy adults of my childhood) and nearly removing all the triggers that set me off...i have looked at what hooks me and keeps me recycling my suffering themes...practical in my detachment of my own suffering so i can look at it and not be clawing the walls of myself to try to escape dealing with it all...

i am now at the point where i stopped making excuses for others in my childhood and adulthood that treated me crappy...yes i see the why of it...why they did what they did...but i freaking didnt deserve it and it finally pisses me off that they used me for their own power tripping...they used me like a toilet to get some relief from their own pain...but hey i never deserved it...i was just broken down enough to let them...now i am not...and THAT feels good...i am not here to make them feel better or say oh it is ok...when it isnt ok...when i was a child i deserved kindness and protection...when i became an adult i deserved respect and to be treated with dignity...i gave permission for folks to walk all over me and treat me like an idiot because i bought into the crap adults fed me when i was a kid...i dont any more...

and you know what?...as all this stupid garbage was being thrown at me in the last few months...through memories of my childhood or by the recent behavior of others...i began to feel this amazing person step forward...she had a straight back and an unbowed head...she made eye contact and remained peaceful...she didnt hide her tears or back down from speaking what was in her heart...she was afraid but brave...and that person...yep it is me...and i still screw up and have moments of weakening...but i am also finding i was me all along...strong enough to survive so much crap...able to tell my mom now that what she is going through is her stuff and not mine to carry...able to let myself take time to figure things out...not try to fix anything but myself...do what i feel is right and not jump through anyone elses hoops...and the best part is to not let my heart go dark...but shine it brighter...i may not know where i am going or how i am going to get there yet...but i do know i can go anywhere and do anything i want...i have my birthright sitting inside me...i am alive and infinite...even when my body gives out...and no dysfunctional human or messed up situation or ignorant person can take away my souls enduring grace and beauty...i may not be much to look at on the outside but i am stunning in my inner world...where i have defeated so many horrible monstrous moments with the greatness of my beautiful soul...

love is not only the answer to everything...but love is all that matters...and if it doesnt feel loving i dont want to be around it...no darkness and fakery in my world...there is only kindness and goodness and love...i dont want any other garbage getting in...i dont deserve it...never did...and neither do you...

today is about not only taking the garbage out but the trash bin as well...no more of it is getting inside me...i feel very good about this...i dont need your garbage...i dont need any of this worlds garbage...stop producing it or drown in it...not my problem...it never was...i will still love you but i am not going to pick up your trash...that is your job...

Friday, January 4, 2013

i am humming tonight...

so much is falling away and i am having a deeper understanding of my life and why i am the way i am...journeys and self work have helped but also it has created alot of questioning of things i have believed in and feel like they do not serve me now...maybe it comes down to believing in one thing...love...and if it isnt loving it isnt something i believe in...

winter to me is like this great metaphor...it gets cold and quiet as the stars seem so crowded and close...i feel so small in it all...and as if i am light years away from everything...yet in this isolation i feel the hum of a connection still vibrating through me...as stars and planets and particles and conscious lifeforms big and small all hum with energy...and i smile from my spec of light which is me...i smile knowing i am part of the hum too...and the hum is love...

all is humming tonight...some in desperate suffering...others heavy with their long lonely pile of years...still others with diseased bodies and then newborn ones of innocent wonder...through animals and plants...in molecules of water to the tips of each snowflake's point...buried in each grain of sand...everything is humming...humming with love...if we allow ourselves to stay connected we will be with this endless song of love... 

i failed to hum well today...i hum now...and feel the love of my little spec of light...it is the best i can do light years away from everything...but it is enough...sending love...receiving love...tuned in...

Thursday, January 3, 2013

time passages

wow i did a journey a few minutes ago that really was perfect...what i needed to know again from a younger self...

started getting this massive headache yesterday...felt like my eyeballs would pop out of my head...now it is less but dizzy this morning...looking at my to do list early this morning i marked half of it "to do tomorrow"...eyes so blurry painting is going to be difficult  today but i will try...and the heat didnt work last night or this morning...space heater for now in my studio room and hope for an easy fix to problem later today...other things piled up on me this morning but ya kinda get the idea?

so i sat down and said a prayer first...it was full of gratitude...i do know i have so much compared to others and so in knowing this i send all my love to those who are struggling today and hope in some way they know as i know we are not alone and are cheered on by the unseen...

then meditated and it was nice to empty out my hurting head for a bit...

next off into a journey to my headache and all the external headaches in my life right now...asking what is it i need revealed to myself today? i am open for any teaching for assistance in the struggles of this day...

ended up in a cabin i was house sitting for in the early 90's...wood stove and a beautiful view on the side of a tall hill...scrap wood to paint on...deer in the field to watch...peepers singing at night...early fall...could sit out on the deck and sing and just let time slowly slip under my skin...i had turned thirty and thought this is it...this is the year i start a family and settle down...and since then i have come very close...but now i sit in a cold apartment single again with a headache the size of texas...just turned 50 and i journeyed to that 30 year old self who was so full of hope...

i sat with her...watched her painting...she was not worrying about money or her health or anything...she was happy in a cabin for the two weeks...she had some groceries and a few extra bucks...she had some peaceful friends who loved her and she had this way of seeing things in such a positive way...she had company when she needed it but loved her borrowed dogs her friends loaned her and the solitude for work...she was happy more than unhappy as she looked ahead and daydreamed of her own piece of land with a beloved...her own dog and a couple of kids running around...she would make them food from scratch and sing them to sleep and tell amazing stories and the house would be filled with music and art projects and plays and all manner of creativity...she sat there painting and tearing up at the thought of it...

she looked up and smiled at me...i told her i missed that sense of optimism...time is running out and the idea of the family i wanted is gone...she was sad for me and i told her not to be...i just made choices and trade offs...who is to say they werent right...she asked about my life and i told her...she saw the good and the not good of my choices and understood...i laughed and said it was the libra in her...

we drank tea and watched the sun go down...gave each other a hug...i thanked her for the gentle moments of peace with her...she was such a peaceful easy going woman...odd to say about yourself but there it is...to see yourself as a person was i think this journeys meaning...to see what i am going through right now as something to have concern about...to care and not give up or give in and settle any more...it is like all the fight left out of me in one big whoosh this past year...i know the moment it did and i know i have to journey back to that moment and the other moments and reclaim my power but it is hard...i honestly dont have the stomach for it right now...but i know at some point very soon i will have to...

i still see my younger self smiling at me and it helps...i wish i could take those years and do it differently but you cant...so here is the thing...perhaps i will live to be 60 or 70...will i sit in even worse shape journeying back and wishing i had done this time differently?...what then will i do to give my 60 year old self comfort and happiness and peace?...what can i begin to do today to give that to the woman i will be next week even?...

good questions to ask in a journey i suppose...though i am beginning to feel as if i already am forming the answers...keep it simple like she did...stay focused and self motivated...this time make my choices from my awakened mind and decide what is best for me...

so i will go take some more sinus meds, drink plenty of fluids, hot shower, blast the space heater in my studio room...paint...remember to eat...love myself through the day and at night let myself do the journeys i need to do to repair the damage...and build a nicer stack of days and years for the woman i am now and will be at 60...