Monday, December 31, 2012

good medicine

a few days ago i did a journey and ended up on an island...then up a cliff and into a cave...all i could see out of the mouth of the cave was emerald waves and sunshine...lovely...warm and breezy...serene and peaceful...it was unlike the cave the last few days...yet i rejected the teaching that day...

there i was journeying to get my mojo back!...which i thought was a simple and funny request...oy oh boy was i getting what i really was asking for once again...and it began a whole series of journeys and healing work...soul work...deconstructing...rebuilding...tons and tons of work which left me tired last night

but even as i was sleeping the work was still being done...days of this...and nights...of being transformed more...willing to flay myself open and look...really look at all the anger and hate and resentment and envy and even jealousy...i looked at my ugly parts and my good ones...i looked at woundings...self inflicted...and ones intentionally and unintentionally inflicted by others...i didnt back away or back down...i knew what i could take on in the moment and what had to sit and work itself out in the coming days...

each part was fitting into the next piece of work...each experience popping up in my ordinary reality was there to simply guide me into my awakening in non ordinary reality...until things so amazingly were lining up and making sense...

even the spill i took last night on the ice outside was a moment of "oh wow"...

it is the time in your life...if you allow yourself to see it all...where visible proof of the unseen forces  show up...angels...guides...god...whatever it is you label it all as...it is the thing at work to help you configure your own flight pattern...to land where you need to for your big smack down healing adventure...so i landed on my arse last night as part of "the plan" and for a second looked up at the stars...

one bright star reached down...and it was as if i got "it"...that celestial light bulb over my head...i got in my car and hit the road...the moon rising big and beautiful...and i saw it...i saw me...i was the moon...i wasnt this other stuff...the labels and limits of my own making and of others...i was this...i felt like a beautiful freak in that moment...really...a very beautiful freak...

i pulled my car over and watched the moon climb higher over the treeline...and she was stunning...i am this i kept saying and laughing out loud...it got inside me...and for a few minutes i was unlimited...but this feeling did fade as i was driving again...and the confining limits of my own self doubt and low esteem began to creep in again...yet there was the moonlight pushing back my dark thoughts...and it worked and worked on me...and kept working through the night...

each time i woke up cold her light reached in and warmed me...each dream came to assist me in unraveling and untangling the knots inside...each tear that fell was charged with the moon's healing grace...

there is science and it tells us how dense the moon is and what it is made of...that it is basically a sundial and yet it tugs at the tides...it inspires poets and seers...it gives lost souls comfort...it is a feminine presence which enchants so many of us dreamers...and she dreamed me home to myself last night...easing the tightness in my chest...relaxing my mind...opening my fists...bringing joy charged tears to my eyes and laughter spilling from me...i am her...

and so this morning i journeyed not to the dark cave but to the light one...to the one where a kundalini rainbow serpent hovered outside the mouth of the cave before...where it had told me to swallow it and i had said i wasnt ready...but the truth was i was too closed off and afraid...turning bitter...shutting down...struggling with my lesson plan...

but this morning i came to the cave and said yes...the serpent came in and from its body the rainbow colors flowed and came into me...and i swallowed them...feeling the warmth and vitality return...feeling the balance and the serenity...feeling something else...i suppose it is a sense that i do have purpose and meaning to my life...it isnt to caretake a mother who wont do for herself...it isnt to take on others struggles as my own or even dwell on mine...i feel my purpose is to just go through life...smile at it...cry at times...always let myself feel it...love but without any need to be loved in return...enjoy my own company...remove myself from harms way...take good care of my own needs but not be selfish...be kind...and i guess i know and feel one more thing today...the big one...the one which is the greatest part of my suffering...and it must be for many adults....

it is why i didnt accept the energy of kundalini healing the other day...it is why i have checked out over and over again at the most intimate moments of my life...it is why my chest was tight last night...

i fight battles that are no longer there...they are in my childhood...they are memories...and yet my mind doesnt know time has passed...so i get triggers and panic and shut down or run away...but when i sat with all of it last night and this morning...peeling away and looking at each memory...stepping towards each uneasy intimate moment where i checked out...i had to see it all and let myself know i am not that...i am instead the mystic moon...i am the perfect flower...i am the smile of sunshine through the trees...i dont have to resist the goodness that keeps coming to me...the goodness i push away...i can trust it...and can accept it...for what it is...each time it is offered to me...i can trust it in the moment...i couldnt when i was a kid...i couldnt trust kind acts then...i couldnt trust love...there was always a sinister thing hiding within a kindness...love was fake then...this is the root of my lack of trust...this is the big pile of crap in the middle of all this self torment...this is what keeps presenting itself...

this morning when i swallowed the healing of my own enlightenment i saw these moments again...right up to the present woundings...and there it was...the same thing coming through each time...

i set myself up for rejection again and again...the thing that was done to me as a child i have done over and over again to myself....or created an environment so others would reject me...each time wanting the outcome to be different so the original rejection would be undone...but it never is...it just keeps breaking a person down...until all that is left is the raw wound...and it either kills you or you decide to heal...

i have decided to heal...those adults in my childhood should have been good and loving...and they werent...they were selfish and immature...they let their egos run the show...they twisted away from their goodness and were selfish pleasure seekers of the lowest form...they used a child's goodness against her...they used the bait of love and acceptance on a child...they were twisted and sick in their mind games...and i cant hate them...it was put into them by other twisted adults when they were children...yet i dont have to recreate the scene over and over...it cant be undone...it cant be taken back...but i can let go of it now...

i can see it made me a person who would never harm a child...it brought me a level of understanding about compassion even as a child...even as i was going through their dysfunctions with them i could still understand it wasnt them...i am very grateful this sweet child i was did not grow to be as broken as the adults around her...that she worked very hard to awaken to her true self...that all these years since she has grown into me and i am sitting here with a full heart this morning...less afraid...gentle...laughing even...seeing a little hand from so long ago reach out in my mindscape...and i take that little hand and bring her safely to me...she and i...at one with each other now...neither of us having to hurt anymore...i dont have to relive the past in each of my interactions with others...she doesnt have to sit and wait to be loved...

ordinary reality is still there...the challenges and the struggles of the present...but it feels different now...the healing still mending parts of me and will...the little hands and gentle eyes of my child self there now to help me soften and let in the good in my life...

i hope to laugh more in 2013...i do have a weird sense of humor but i like it...i hope to open my heart up to a close love at some point...i hope to have better friendships and above all to take better care of myself...

i think 2013 will have challenges pop up but i also see it as a time i let the goodness come into my life in greater measure and not doubt its presence...and in this sweet understanding and acceptance i know i deserve kindness and goodness...i understand why it has been lacking in my life...and now i am ready to receive genuine lovers in my life...those who love me as i am and will be kind to me...and i will trust their kind intentions...it is good to know this...it is wonderful to see it on the horizon of this new winter season...

namaste...

Sunday, December 30, 2012

blessed


wow what a difference a few hours make...and asking for a sign and then receiving it...what a heart and mind and eye opening day...

and i understand now...i have been told where my place is in the world around me...this is ok...this is other peoples opinions only...i know my worth...and i know i am loved by my own soul...and completely accepted in grace...i am decent and kind and held in the unseens grace...

i trust the unseen and find a comfort there...in it i am loved and perfect...beyond the walls of this room i may be viewed as imperfect and unworthy but in my own self there is an immense knowledge of all our greatness and all our worth...we are all worth it...each of us a perfect flower...a perfect expression of the divine...

i sit in the dark this evening and yet am filled with light...blessed...i have been thrown away often in life...and never understood it...still dont...this hurts to be treated as less than...but i am blessed...i lift myself up...

i have never thrown myself away...i have held on...i have loved myself through hard times...and still do...blessed be to that love...and to all of us lovers...

getting it done!

last big blow out push before the end of the calendar year and the last big clearing away of stupid stupid junk from myself so winter season really takes hold and i am flowing fully in the groove rather than always stopping myself short...ya know i know this self work stuff backwards and forwards yet i still stop short of really looking directly at the last pile of crap right in front of me...always dealing with the sidebar stuff...or saying this is my BIG issue (trust) but then i move away from really dealing with it all...looking to the either side of it...like a dog who does that little sideways glancing at you because it knows..oh it knows you are gonna say "bad dog"...well for me i am the looker and the look-awayer at the same time...so yikes!...but it has gotta be done...so i am looking at my poo today...the whole nasty thing...and i really dont like it and want to throw up my hands and go play in the snow or even better go have hot soup at some chinese eatery and not feel anything but warmth from the soup instead of this cold stark reality i am sitting in front of...oh well...i will deal with my stuff and make soup later...

so to the next round of my journey into the cave and deal...

~*~
 
in the deepest part of the cave...no guides...nothing...creeping along listening to the drip drip drip of water somewhere...i make my way to it...notice something at my feet...a flashlight...how convenient i thought...i get snarky sometimes in a journey when i start putting up defenses...but realized i should be better behaved and pay attention...
 
i turned the flashlight on and there was a slow drip from above splashing into a dark pool...i held my light over the pool of water and knew it was a mirror i was meant to look into...but instead of a reflection of my face it was a reflection of my thoughts...all the flashes of thoughts came to the surface...speeding up and slowing down...each unfolding as i thought them...and the trick i knew was to empty my mind of thoughts so what was behind my thoughts could surface...
 
and so i let go and let go and stilled myself...i suppose this is why i have been drawn to doing deep still meditation over the last few months...i was readying myself for this moment...
 
i sat by the water...the flashlight shining a beam of light onto the dark surface...the drip of the water drawing me into my stillness...the ripples becoming waves washing over me...emptying me out...and there it began...on the surface of this pool but also in my surroundings...the resurfacing of memories...without any attachment of emotions...without much of anything other than the seeing of them...the faces of others over this past year...happiness and kindness...anger and hurt...fears and unhappiness...their fakery and phony ways...all the masking and unmasking...then i felt their suffering...it slipped out of me as each memory came up...each drop of suffering i took on dropped into the pool...
 
when this year of suffering/toxins had been removed it seemed as if the consciousness around me asked if i want more removed...and i did...heck yeah!...this is just what i needed and then to never do it again...take on other peoples toxic stuff...they still suffered and also didnt learn and kept doing their silly suffering...what was i thinking all these years!....oh yeah...that i would somehow get love and acceptance...duhhhhh...that was dumb...got just the opposite...
 
i was feeling lighter and wanted all of it gone...i didnt have to think of the times i took on other folks stuff...it all came...flowing out of me...drops became a stream gushing out of my belly...and all the water retention i have been suffering from for months made sense now...the toxins building up and making me sick...the ovary angry and sitting like a dead seed pod in me...it all made sense now...and why even the thought of being around others right now was making me dizzy...i knew i couldnt shield myself from their suffering or their disharmony with me...it would consume me more...flood me more...the endless feelings of drowning i have had makes sense now...as the suffering i have taken on was draining from my body the flooding feeling was leaving me...
 
phew...
 
so the pool swallowed all of it and began transforming it...the flashlight was clear light from a place of spirit i realized...guiding the toxins from me...extracting the sorrow...showing me what i have been doing to myself that benefited no one...and caused damage to me...
 
and then a voice spoke from the darkness...my shaman guide..."those who dwell in their own ignorance and avoidance hear no voice of truth or see no visionary sights...only falsehoods they invent to shore up a broken heart...they see only darkness and sorrow...they hear only the echoing of their fearful thoughts...you are not to live this way....come into the light"
 
and the pool shined brightly and i stepped in...i was filled with the warm flood of light...it was watery yet not...it came through every pore and opening...it filled every cell...it reached into my heart and bathed my soul...and asked me if i was willing to come back and go deeper and finally look at this last part...
 
i am...
 
i am going to rest and then i will brave this last journey into the cave...i am surrendering to the unseen today...trusting love...i am worth it...
 
 
 
 
 


  

cave day 4

the cave journey was alittle tougher for me this morning...i knew it would be simply by the energy shift of the cave as i entered...big lesson getting ready to be taught...well i had it coming since i put off the one from last night...but it is what it is...

so i entered a very unfriendly cave this morning...the shaman very intense...the walls dark...the fire out...no other guides around...no comfy blankets or fruit...just the silence and the slow growling chant of the shaman...which i found very annoying to me...and she noticed it and did it louder...

then she stopped and looked over at me...she asked "am i bothering you?" and so i said yes...because well she was...the noise was very bothersome...and i didnt know why but it was...so she asked me "why is it bothering you so much?" and without thinking i said "because it is a fake chant"...and then i started laughing because well i just told a shaman she was faking a chant and it is kinda funny...but she didnt laugh...instead she got very pissed off and started stomping around the cave...beating rocks with a stick and throwing dirt...and yet i still found myself laughing...then she bit herself...like a frustrated little kid does...and that really sent me roaring with laughter...she jumped up and down and foamed at the mouth and yet what should scare me was all just alot of tantruming...and that is when i saw it...i saw the lesson...

and she saw i saw it and sat down...i piss people off when i see through their fakery...their smoke and mirrors...their hiding out game...i see through alot of the phony baloney stuff in life and when i let them know i know it pisses them off...they dont like witnesses...and then they get mad at me for what they were trying to pull off....ahhhh...duh...and you always have to get rid of the witness so you can hold onto your fakery and protect your most vulnerable damaged parts...well you dont have to but you think you do...ya know?...i have done it...still am with one last nasty bit of sticky tar taffy crap i am dealing with... 

well this makes me feel much better than last night...thinking i am a cancer and this is why folks reject me...nope i get rejected alot of times because folks know i know when they are faking it in some way and they dont like that...they pour alot of energy into building their protective structures and here i come along and look right past them...and dare to love them even...yikes...must freak folks out...it would me...

if they only knew i can do this not because i am a better shaman or a more "evolved" person or anything like this but i am able to do it alot of times because when i was a kid i had to know the moods of the crazy adults around me for survivals sake...and i simply "read" folks easier...some of the greatest intuitive people out there or most sensitive ones were probably the most abused emotionally and/or physically as a kid...

you develop a set of survival skills as a kid...if you have healthy family around you then most likely your survival skills will serve you well in the adult world...but with unhealthy family around you the survival skills become a twisted kit of things you do to protect yourself and what makes you feel safe...not great for coping in the adult world really...you can read people and see through alot of BS...but that just gets alot of adults pissed off...especially adults who have suffered different levels of abuse in their own childhood...

wow i knew this on some level but it really helps to make sense of some crap in my life...makes sense when it is applied to alot of situations in life for me...

i have a follow up with the shaman today...lol...she said so...i have a feeling it isnt gonna be all candle lights and roses with her today...but i can deal...i want to get this work done so i can loosen up and enjoy myself more...and perhaps others might then enjoy me too...

on a happier note the fresh snow is so pretty and it is inspiring me to make some kind of soup today...miso? french onion? split pea? or chili? and then i will journey some more...and paint and not be so hard on myself no matter what comes up today...





Saturday, December 29, 2012

the cave of creation



the cave walls i go into when i journey are remarkable...inspiring me to create on canvas...the colors are delicious to my eyes...the images rising up from the dance of fire...the figures and racing forms leap to the walls quickly...i feel as if i only see bits and pieces of a greater thing at play...yet i dont need to see the full picture to understand what is roaring through me as well tonight...rising up in me like flames slapping the walls of my heart...i am the storyteller in my cave of bones...i am the flesh devoured by flames tonight...the pacing poet of my own wild dance in this cave of creation i reside in now...at home within myself...away from all the twisted creatures and deformed minds who are snatching at this world right now...all of it going mad...nothing making much sense...
 
i am in here...in me...in the black hole in me...in the earth...in the universe...a circle within a circle within a circle...where even matter doesnt matter...outside of time and expanding far and back and nowhere all at once...
 
the snow falls over the dark landscape in ordinary reality...i walked out in it earlier this evening...a man was walking up the middle of the snow covered street carrying his shoes...these are the things you see now i said to myself...this is the new normal...like the man peeing on a stop sign the other day...all the crazy things happening in the world...these are the new normals...
 
and so i journey into my cave tonight and looked and asked and was open for guidance...and it came to me...in a simple sentence from my shaman guide..."cancer does not know it is cancer"...and so there it is...wisdom short and not sweet...
 
it is sad...to see the potential of this world...to see the potential of human beings...and then to see where it is going horribly wrong...and there is a course it will run and an ending and then a beginning...all i can do is my part...and know what i do...perhaps this cancer has just become conscious it is cancer...if you know you are cancer then what?...ah there is another journey and a new question...but do i want to know any more on such a night when the cave is so lovely and the walls of the cave dance with better art than i could ever paint...
 
i will leave the sad world and the cancer thoughts and the man walking barefoot in a snowstorm carrying his shoes and the sirens and the horrible new normals...i will leave them outside in the cold and warm myself in my cave...watching the walls and perhaps calling in storytellers to sit with me and tell stories in my dreams...

the cave...day 3

i didnt want to leave my journey this morning...it was warm and safe and full of wonder...the cave lifted its dark shadows and was full of rainbow light and filled with the warmth of the fire a kind woman built...i had so many guides sitting around...so much support...funny how i eat sleep and work in this quiet apartment surrounded outside by people and traffic and planes going overhead yet i am alone...but in the journey i am supported by kind company...able to relax and simply be myself...

i think i should let my apartment become a cave...shut out the ordinary unsafe world and let this space be of great inspiration as i create my art and recreate my life...it makes sense after the visit to the cave...

i have been going through alot of stress and emotional strain since returning to rhode island...my mom talking to me on the phone every day..."working on me" as she does to come back down to maryland...making her life sound so precarious when actually she has more at her disposal in life than i do right now...that is her way and i understand it...she has always been like this...but it still pulls at my heartstrings even as i know she is attempting to manipulate me...

and then there is being back in rhode island...dealing with hospital bills and my health...i am playing mad scientist with my body to see if i can lessen the effects of my unwellness ....and also approaching it from a spiritual slant as well...i know what creates my unwellness...it is my own undoing...so i am working on those broken pieces as well...finding each place of resistance and easing it loose until it is held out for surrender...the big one is a tough one to let go of though...but i am strong and i can face anything and will let go...i know why i dont...i know what it is...so it will be surrendered soon enough...there is a stage of mourning i must do...a ritual of sorts...in this cave of my creation...i will...

in this mornings journey i had a cave bear and coyote...a fox and a small dragon like creature...i had my kind buddhist monk and others...my shaman...i was in great comfort with blankets to sit on and some fruit if i needed it...i had songs being sung to me by a myriad of voices...both human and animal...what a beautiful blend...and in their singing the cave sung as well...a low hum of sorts...comforting me....giving me great peace...and i trusted them all in a way i dont trust others any more in ordinary reality...

in ordinary reality i feel more like a caged animal around people now...i feel like they have imprisoned me with their unkind thoughts and low opinions of me...but in my cave i feel lifted up and treated as an equal...not better or worse than...but an equal...it is nice to be here healing and recreating before going back into the world of people...other is not appreciated in this unkind world...but in non ordinary reality all is respected...it is becoming my home and this other world is just a place my body has to be...not a bad way to live right now...the world being what it is...

and i know this caged feeling will no longer touch me when i surrender more to what i struggle with now...and i know i need to make myself very strong now because the times we are living in are getting ready to be of even a greater challenge...the world is not making a peaceful transition...change often does come with tragedy because as humans we tend to let things slide into disrepair until it becomes so broken the work to fix it is so much harder...but i have faith even though it all is so incredibly broken...i have to believe good folks will risk it and be brave...though it seems many are cowardly right now...hiding out in their dysfunctions and building more elaborate facades...i know winter and smile...winter will change this...something is coming and it will change everything...the winds of change...they are coming down into the valleys of many closed hearts...and then it will begin to turn around...it already is...in the shouts and mourning cries of those who see the innocent suffer...these are the winds that blow open the doors of many hearts...and in my small way i open my heart more and more and am the change being added to this broken hearted world...in healing myself i help heal the world...from my cave i am changing the world into what i wish to see it as...kind...compassionate...giving...open hearted...unselfish...forgiving...because i am changing me...


later...in the fire of the cave i see hope...i see the old burning away as i put my struggles in the flames...i see the flames leap images on the cave walls...giving me inspiration and reassurance...and i feel a kind permission to live how i choose to live...that those who love me will support me as i am and those who are hard hearted and fearful will be done with me...peace will rise up for all great lovers in 2013...no matter what comes at us...our hearts will be in a nest of peace...

Friday, December 28, 2012

a courageous heart

once upon tonight...

fox slowly found her way to coyote's den...the moonlight gave her easy passage...she brought her beloved a basket of cranberries, acorns and rose hips still holding up even in this chilly winter's start...

fox smiled as she neared coyote's warm home...the little opening had coyote's soft earthy scent lifting up on the cold night air...she stopped and took in a deep breath...this love was still forming its edges and sharpening its aim..her heart was wounded before by a broken arrow's promise...she found it a challenge to let another arrow aim for her heart yet she was a brave one when it came to love...

here fox stood...a gift of food for this odd coyote...this vegetarian moon caller...this dancer of streams and polisher of star stones...spinner of stories...weaver of poetry...

the tender heart of the fox began to feel crowded with all the love she holds for this wise coyote who stumbled across her path a moon ago...

with shy steps she breached the cave opening...walking in to her happiness...leaving fear outside in the cold...

in the cave..day 2

journeyed into the cave this morning...and in the journey i meditated with tibetian monks who chanted in the most deeply moving way...the sounds of which filled the cave and vibrated in my chest...what an amazing place to be in non-ordinary reality...

as i was coming back from the journey my heart didnt sink to be back in my apartment as it has recently...but instead i was reminded of a very happy memory from childhood...

when i was very young i heard a word...it was a word which instantly meant something majickal to me...when i would whisper the word i felt my heart glow...power filled...i can still conjure up the awe my young self felt in saying and knowing the word bioluminescence...

now i still giggle over the excitement of it...i was so fascinated by this occurrence in nature...i saw a field of glow worms as a field of stars and dancing fireflies as otherworldly...i got the gist of the chemical reaction at play to make all of this happen but i felt so excited by the idea of it even existing...on their own accord creatures were lighting themselves up...creatures in caves and under the sea were finding ways to do this as well...

it made me think of the image of christ i saw in a religious tract...his heart shining...and i wondered if all our human hearts glowed...they must i thought...they seem like they should....and so when i was afraid of a nighttime walk or the woods when it got too still or adults fighting...i thought of my heart...how it was glowing...it was making more love i thought...it was helping me...keeping me safe...and i took it even further when some well meaning adult told me i had a guardian angel who would light my path in life when things felt the darkest...well then i thought my heart was where my guardian angel must live or at least travel through...

for an entire summer around my eight or ninth year of this life i was mesmerized and enchanted with bioluminescence...and still when i whisper this word my heart feels as if it is pulsing with light and i am safe and have my path well lit...

~*~

2nd journey back into the cave...realizing this cave dwelling day is about reconnecting me to childhood memories i havent thought of in years...i am so incredibly moved by this...to see in such detail my young self and all "her" goodness...my gosh she was such a good-hearted kid...

one memory which just came up in the cave was from 4th grade...there was this very shy boy who's dad owned a country store...often he brought big boxes of treats to school...packs of gum or suckers or even a big box of candy bars...i remember those times as very uncomfortable for me...all the kids would push and shove and snatch at the treats he held out to them...but i would stay back or sit in my seat...i could never take anything...it felt so uncomfortable...yet even then i couldnt understand why...all i knew was it made me sad for him...but now looking back i see more...i see the kids pushing him as well...fighting over it all...like crazy seagulls fighting over a bit of food...yet each time he held the box out and for a brief moment there was some attention directed towards him...he was the kid who gave out candy treats...and then the kids came to expect it and came to him and he would hold the box out if he had anything...otherwise they would look at him and walk away in disgust it seemed...

i remember his eyes...they were happy as the kids took his offerings...

he always sat alone at lunch...or at the end of the bench and would get bumped off when another kid squeezed in...i was with the popular kids and yet there was one time i felt especially uncomfortable with how my friends treated him...it was around christmas and he brought in big candy cane sticks...but i think the kids didnt like them or thought they were to ordinary too offer up...so they took them and broke them at his feet...they smashed them against the walls...they poked him with them and did fake sword battle with them close to his face...

he ever so slightly flinched...i got up and stood close to him...i think it was my quiet way of saying enough...then i helped him clean it all up and we went to the drinking fountain to wash our hands...i remember wiping my hands dry on my pants and he copied me...

he had soft eyes...brown like the brown of buckeyes...he was small and smelled like old spice...

i sat with him at lunch that day...i remember the noise around us...my friends puzzled looks...santa came through the lunchroom and tossed penny candy at us...the lunch ladies each got a card and some flowers...i remember the boy looking up and smiling as he retrieved a piece of candy which had landed in his soup...i watched as he dried off the wrapped candy on his paper napkin before sticking it in his pocket...he leaned over to me...it was the first words he ever spoke to me, "it must come all the way from the north pole....it must have majickal powers if you eat it"...this was a kid i could relate to...this was a kid i understood more than my friends who snatched at candy and made fun of a little boy with soulful eyes...

for the remainder of the year i got to know him in quiet moments...never taking candy from him...but feeling more comfortable with him than anyone else around me...his name was stevie...he slowly came out of his shell...he grew to be a handsome teenager...we grew apart...after we graduated from high school and i moved away he committed suicide...for some reason i thought it was because a girl broke his heart...but i am not sure...and i dont think i want to know the why of what finally broke him so completely...

today i remember his hands...his little hands clutching a box of goodies...i remember his soft chuckle at some silly string of words he would feed me to get me to smile on a bad day..i think at home he was going through things i was going through as well...and when we started understanding this about each other we grew apart...it was too much to see in each other perhaps...

and today i understand i didnt take the candy because i wasnt like the other kids...i couldnt take it...somehow i knew it was offered out of loneliness and longing...it was the same loneliness and longing i had...to be loved and cared about just as i was...and often wasnt...i think that is why somehow i keep surviving this world and he didnt...because i knew and still know i am good enough...even if it is just good enough for myself...just as i am...and those kids...some of them my best friends...they saw his need for acceptance as a weakness and they rejected him...the most gentle soul among them and they rejected him...i hope somehow he always knew i never rejected him and i always knew he was special...

i am grateful to remember him more today...to remember the tenderness of him and i...the friendship...the trust...i always trusted him to be kind to me...what a good boy he was...

Thursday, December 27, 2012

the cave

when i journey and end up in a cave it is always for a great teaching...
 
the cave is the center of everything...the black hole which is in us...and in the earth...and in the universe...
 
in darkness dwells the lessons we hide from ourselves...it is where our creation and re-creation dwells...it is why we are taught to fear the dark by those who are weak and input their weakness into us...our alcoholic father perhaps...or an abused mother afraid of her own power...a crazy mother who put her crazy thoughts in your head...a father who saw his own children as competition for love from his wife?....so many ways you were made afraid of the dark...yet it is the darkness where we begin each great lesson...the lesson is life after all...
 
i embrace the darkness...
 
so often when i feel a great teaching calling me it is into the cave of darkness...where a fire is built and a lesson unfolds from the flapping and twisting flames...from the walls the shadowy figures leap and lunge...the shaman lifts herself from the deepest part of the darkness to come sit with me and guide me to my knowing...
 
last night i dreamed of the cave...it has been edging up in me for days...and now i know it is to be where i will live for many days and nights to come...creating new life from the nothing i have right now...unlearning patterns...as new patterns are formed on the cave walls...
 
at last i see i stayed too long in places i never should have been...where rejection was programmed into the environment of the situation...yet i stayed there as a catalyst or to stir the pot for others to get a chance to see their patterns...i understand this now...yet it was a waste of my time...people are unwilling to change and let go of ego...they are often so full of fear nothing short of a near death experience could shake them free...and often not even that will get them to let go...my mother will never "get it" for example...she dips even lower into her dysfunctions...no strength left in her to lift herself up from her own suffering...
 
all of it has left me empty...tired and undone...i sold my own life short so others might get their true selves aligned...and now i go to my cave and seek alignment for the life i am ready to create...i have given up enough and taken on enough and been attacked and attacked myself enough...now i am in there...in that comforting darkness...unafraid to look...for what is there to be afraid of but what is past...
 
i look and see...i understand and move into new ways which fit me now...this is all...to see into the darkness and watch for signs and listen to my guide...
 
i write out my dreams but here is what i wrote last night...not exactly what happened in the dream...for there was too much...this is what i wrote instead...
 

i dwell in the hidden realm of hollow boned earth...the cave...a place to sit or pass through...for travellers who move from time to no time and back again...prayers echo here...answering back to the sender like rolling thunder...what you give out is what is given back...sorrow matching sorrow...praise amplified as well...you build a fire to push back the darkness just enough to see the truth in it...and in the fire are the answers to unspoken questions...images leap up from flames and dance on the cave walls...messages from spirit...
 
this is what i wrote late last night...as the wind howled outside this cold new winter season night...as i wrapped myself up in a cocoon of blankets...
 
i realize i am in the cave today as well and will be for many days and nights to come...creating art...answering the darkness with courage and solitude...loving myself through it all...listening to my shaman guide as she shows me parts of my own dark cave i push away from but know i must face...and i am relieved...i know when i emerge i will be full of more knowing...understanding more...and stronger...i wont walk into places of dysfunction again...i will allow myself to be around those who are kind and good instead....
 
my old patterns are falling away even as i enter the cave...for to know is the first moment of deconstructing old useless patterns...
 
to know...to find the root cause...to let go of it...to see myself as i go to reach for old behaviors again...stop them...to get in the habit of healthier behaviors...this is how it is done...it may feel uncomfortable and even miserable at first...but if i get beyond those first bits of discomfort then i get to the easier path...
 
for now i am in this directionless place...it is not depression or sorrow...simply transition...for so much has fallen away or rotted to pieces...the hope of a loving relationship...any form of family...a belonging to something...it is all gone...the last embers of it passing away in the deep darkness of this cave...and yet there is in this emptiness a new form ready to be created...another me...one i will recognize...i didnt know this other one...she always felt foreign to me...willing to be punished and harmed to receive little bits of love and acceptance...it never felt like me even as i was experiencing the hurt...and soon i hope to understand in the darkness of this cave of creation...where are the roots of this and then i will remove it all and be re-created...
 
so i give myself these cave dwelling times...in this cave of creation...by the fire of my own hopes...as winters icy fingers strum along the window glass...as sirens snatch at the air...as cars rev and roar along the roads...as street lights stand like cyclopes in the primal nights...all of it blurs as the cave takes me in...i am the eager student once again...ready to understand...ready to learn more...
 

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

the happy seagull



 
another sunny day...feeling the cold in my bones but it is good to challenge your body with a walk in nature when cold comes calling upon us...ice beginning to form along the shoreline...i am eager to use this ice for art but not yet...the time will come soon enough...so i play with rocks and watch the seagulls sail along on water and sky...if i could be a seagull today i would...i love the way they glide along and the way they drop quahogs from the sky onto the rocks...smacking the shells open for the edible treasures inside...

~*~
 
sitting in the car now...warming up...i just let myself shapeshift and play with the seagulls...i was free of the cold...i was in the moment...fly...snatch up food from the water...feast...repeat...sit on a rock...wait............fly....glide...snatch up a quahog...hover...drop my prize...feast...give up half for the brown gull pushing its way in...back to the rock...i see a wave lift...small fish schooling...here comes more food...
 
and so it is...this day unfolding...finding my footing in this winter season after a year of searching for something which was in me all along...the light of my own sacredness...
 
i kept myself from the light...and i understand why...but i dont now...it is me...the real me...not this invented self pieced together from the hurt my mother and father gave me to carry early on in life...or the heavy judgement of others at times or the burdens i placed on myself from the weight of fear and self punishment...this is all done with...the light of the unseen took it all away...i am like the seagull today...finding my feast...gliding along the current of hours...i am the happy seagull...warmed by my full heart... 
 

Monday, December 24, 2012

still still morning

i love this swan...it lives alone now on a pond of ducks and the occasional visiting canadian geese...it came as my guide this morning in a journey...it is my solitude guide...to help me navigate my solitude...what a perfect and peaceful guide to stay with me...i feel blessed to have her always with me...
 
 
 
~~*~~
 
in this still still morning...as the sun shines wildly in a cloudless sky...as the cold hugs the land...and ice shimmers on the surface of calm waters...in the strong company of the trees...i let in all of nature's healing presence...
 
i have meditated with clear light flowing through me this morning...i have prayed with loving intent...i have journeyed for guidance...i am experiencing this beginning of winter season with my new heart growing in the place where an old one gave out under the crush of disappointment and sorrow...
 
this new heart being formed is full of simple yet great love...it isnt cradled in a nest of hurt and rejection...it is held in divine light...it is created with such loving kindness from all the good which ever was, which is and ever will be...it is created by the grace of the unseen...
 
what a year...what a year of breaking and breaking and breaking until i sat under a tree today and cried it all out of me...all the homophobia and unkindness of the year...all the rejection and hurt...all the ways i set myself up for suffering...all the ways others attempted to transfer their dysfunctions onto me...
 
i was tested so intensely in so many different ways this year...to the brink of giving up on life itself...yet the spark of my own spirit would not stop shining through...the grace of which kept me going and finally filled me with hope once more...not a hope in something wonderful to happen...not even to be protected from suffering...but i have a hope which is simple and pure...a hope born of love...self love and love from the great unseen...with all my flaws and missteps i am still loved from the place of spirit...just as i am...i am enough as i am...
 
what a simple but perfect thing to know...even as my body fails and i am in an odd place of no clear direction in life...even as the winter begins in uncertainty...i still can smile and be happy today...
 
in this delicate weave of hours...in this beautiful landscape of me...with all my imperfections i feel loved...and this is enough...it is the one thing i trust in life...
 
this love has taught me of late how to see with my new eyes as well...i now see actions as truth and not the false words i trusted before...it is the wisdom which comes after great spiritual harm...i am grateful for this outcome...
 
i trust the great unseen which flows through everything including me and you...i trust it to guide me to do right...i trust it to hold me away from darkness...i trust it to be there at my end to bring me to my spirit home...i trust this beautiful purity to keep me in this simple hum of time as my new heart grows and strengthens...flowering with love as i meditate for more and more peace for the world...as i love myself through challenges...as i let love in...expanding and never living with a closed heart...
 
i hope this for everyone...to have peace in your mind and love in your heart...in your new heart...and to see with new eyes...past the miserable suffering left by those twisting away from spirit...i hope for you to see with eyes filled with the beauty of nature and the light of others who shine their love upon you in sacredness and respect...
 
in this season of peace many of us felt a deep wounding by the sufferings of others in places like conn., syria or in our own private losses...i hope we all keep peace in our hearts and stay hopeful...if we all keep to the bright path of love the darkness has so little space to grow...those in darkness will be pulled to the light they so desperately hunger for yet reject from their own loss of faith...i will have faith for them and i hope for you...let us amplify love so all may feel it...even when we struggle to feel it ourselves...keep reaching...keep holding on...keep being love...keep lighting the world...
 
 

Monday, December 17, 2012

dohiyi

the things you forget until you remember again...


 
came across this picture tonight
cut me to the bone tonight
leaping back in memories tonight
dohiyi...peace...tonight...

she must have looked the word up
tried to impress me with the message
written on her arm...dohiyi...peace
 
and i chant it to myself
as the hours crawl by
the pain in my belly exploding
dohiyi...peace...
dohiyi...peace...
 
and i will keep her in my head
a laugh...a smile...her sorrow
the cancer...the treatments...the surgery
 
the hard to swallow days...
the hair falling out as i combed it for her
tucking some in my pocket so she wouldnt see
 
the meals i made she couldnt eat
the walks we took to her favorite trees
a pair of hawks cirlcing the pond
 
the tears she hid from me
the tears i hid from her
the words we didnt say
never the word goodbye
 
and here i am
and she is everywhere
in the highest redwoods
the tallest mountain's peak
 
she missed out on climbing mount everest
or spot a moose posing on foggy maine morning
time was running out like fast hands on a clock face
 
but the word on her arm
stands out for me
to read and smile and give thanks
for the breath in my lungs
for my eyes to see the stars
for my hearts drumming
 
dohiyi...peace
dohiyi...peace
dohiyi
 
 

Saturday, December 1, 2012

heart to heart....





last night i was so very ill i felt as if the pain was exploding like fireworks inside my body...as if i were a dark place of pain illuminated by shooting streaks of light...i let myself see the light of this pain...let myself travel to the origins of the pain...what was setting those explosions off...i journeyed deep...

and in this place a stranger stood...cloaked and unknown to me...i stood there and asked "are you my guide?"...but i knew the answer before it spoke...no...

i cant say this was even a person or entity or being...it seemed formless and yet fully itself...it was not an enemy or a friend...it was not me and yet it was...i believe it is the part of me which meets up with my own sorrow...and creates the actions i dictate...this creature in my journey...a witless servant of me...is simply the form of my suffering...

so my suffering took a form so i could dialogue with it...

the pain in my body is now manifested from years of self punishment and denial of my own worth...i pay the price for it now...it is here and may need medical attention...though i hope i can calm it and bring it back from that outcome...but i have to heal the last difficult parts...

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

journey of a lifetime

well i did a deep prayer of gratitude and an opening heart meditation this morning...a great lead in to my morning journey...an open journey...just asking to receive what i need to know...i was so relaxed and open...in my mind i was sitting on a deck by the ocean...breeze...sunset...the rhythmic lift and fall of waves...i used the waves as a sonic driver to get me into the journey...

in my journey i began by walking into the ocean...shapeshifting into a dolphin...swimming with others...

when i was far from the land i went down and into an opening in the ocean floor...dolphin body was left behind...climbing into a vein of lava...going in all directions...my energy spreading out into every volcanic place on earth...filling the ring of fire...i felt this energy...the power of the flow and the pressure...i have felt this in my own body at times...it was important for me to experience this now...today...to understand the build up in me and others...i have a feeling folks may be experiencing this edginess more...

as a child i was very sensitive to this energy in adults...i still am...in fact i catch onto the undercurrents of others alot...it isnt surprising the journey reminded me of the "undercurrent" of the earth this morning... i have been dealing with the same energy in people all year...a hidden build up of energy...

but unlike the earth...which finds a way to shift and release the energy many humans tap it down and seek to hide it...this energy then must be contained with great effort or vented and released...and when it is vented it can be released in passive aggressive ways, through an outburst, or in gossipy ranting to a friend...i certainly have vented in all these ways and i have seen others...it is not unusual but i know it isnt productive....

as i travelled the veins i came to realize if the natural flow of heat, fire, lava, gases makes its way in a methodical and productive way....there is an opening and the energy flows...the tectonic plates shift...energy is released...an earthquake...a volcano explodes...it happens...and so does frustrations, anger, fear, anxiety...

these strong emotions move through me and seeks a way to be released...to find an efficient release is what i need to do...rather than let it implode or explode...or see it become unwellness in me as it settles in to the core of my belly....

this energy builds for a reason....if i can prevent the build up or use the build up in a constructive way rather than allow it to do damage to myself then i am well....if not i am heart sick...unwell...

so this part of the journey i will return to in another with a guide and ask more questions...

i "recollected" myself and came up to a very lush place...a waterfall cascading from a steep incline....huge ferns along both sides from top to bottom...i was standing in a dark pool...in my human form again...i looked around for a guide...a brightly colored bird flew to me...its long tail skimming across the water....it landed on a branch overreaching the pool...

she was there to keep me calm as the pool began showing me things i needed to look at...the pool showed me others unkindly gossiping about me and judging me...the pool showed memories of me being treated poorly...suffering began to rise up in me...i was taking in the harshness of others...i was accepting who they needed to see me as...i was accepting their interpretation of me...i was beating myself up with their positioning of their opinions to gain power over me...and i watched myself in the pool....i was accepting their unkindness into me...it was easy to accept when i already felt this way about myself....they easily slipped these daggers of unkindness in...and when i wanted to stand up for myself i backed down...or i would try to take all the responsibility for something...

the pool kept going back in time...and i saw even as a young girl i took on so much from others...trying to make things ok even at the expensive of my own well being...

then the pool leaped forward to the last few years...all the sarifices and the giving up of my dreams...to get love and acceptance from others....watching the cost pile up...imploding...self loathing at my weakness....giving up all of me for crumbs of love and acceptance....while at the same time realizing i wasnt respected and would never be accepted as i was...the pool showed me giving up....

it showed the hardships of the past three years...it showed the brokenness...it showed the moments i was so unhappy i hid out from the world...and it also showed how others tried to help...it showed my own struggle to get back up...it showed tender moments that gave me the courage to go on...i saw myself making mistakes and having great regrets...i saw angry actions that pushed me back down...i saw myself take it all on...take it all in...even things that werent mine to take...

and at the end of the pools teachings were faces...and i saw into them...understanding...some who like me and some who dont...some who dont like themselves and see in me the parts of themselves they dont like...i see their flaws and their transcending perfection...and the last face was mine...and in this face i saw a child who was wounded and she rose up from the water and took my hand...

she was such a good kid...everyone liked her...she worked hard...was obedient...she sacrificed herself for the adults and children around her...she saw suffering at an early age...her own and others...she was surrounded by messed up adults...she learned from their missteps...she did her best...i watched this child turn into a teenager...i watched the brokenness set in for the long haul...i saw her quiet and alone...out in nature...her only real home...i saw her crying...i felt her wounding...i felt her love...she was a good kid...helping take care of her granndparents...going to her aunts to help out...always working...

and then i watched the teenager standing before me change and grow...all her adult life doing her best...working hard...rejections...jobs she couldnt work hard enough in and would burn out...70 hour work weeks that made her stumble through her life...the work load endless...nonprofit hell...but it kept her avoiding life...numbing out...

and then i saw this young woman age...catch up to my age...until i was standing face to face with myself...it was so real...i reached out...i took myself in my arms...it was so moving...imagine embracing yourself in a physical way....

i stepped back from myself and looked again...it is different than from looking in a pool of water or a mirror....here was a breathing being who was me...and in a flood of emotions i felt the love...the love from the other me...i felt the gratitude for being me...i felt the preciousness of being in this life...

and then there was this remarkable reminder....as i stood there this other me shapeshifted into all those people i have ever wronged and who have wronged me...and as they did they each said a single chant...

I'm sorry.
Please  forgive me.                                                                                     
Thank you.
I love you.

i know these words...they are ho'oponopono words...beautiful...simple...profound...
 
these words sunk into me and i said them back to each person...each with great emotion...deep understanding...some people this released in me bigger waves of forgiveness...some folks i had forgiven long ago...and i had been forgiven by...
 
a very emotional and sacred time spent in this journey...and when it was done the being became me again...and this other me spoke to me and i to her...the exchange was very affirming...i was shown some things i need to do...a very constructive to do list for sure...the next months will be focused and interesting...i also was able to speak about my trust issues...and she showed me who i can trust...who stands in integrity and is not "heart sick" and who is strong and will be healthy for me to be around...my other self gave me some deep insight into my own conduct and actions and others...she gave me a way to discern...to be approachable to all yet with the wise understanding of my own good instincts and clear vision...
 
lastly she did a beautiful thing with me...she took me into the water and bathed me...washing my hair...caring for me...mothering me...showing me how to mother myself...
 
it was a very peaceful end to the journey...returning through the earth...reforming...swimming as a dolphin again...coming back to reality...but with the teachings expanding in me...

~~~*~~~
 
 

the teaching continues to expand...more insights...more understanding...and in me rises aloha...a grace-filled word of deep meaning...so i send aloha to you...
 

 





Wednesday, November 14, 2012

a mindful life

"Examine thus yourself from every side.
Note harmful thoughts and every futile striving.
Thus it is that heroes in the bodhisattva path
Apply the remedies to keep a steady mind."
                                              ~~Shantideva
 
 
i do...from every slant and angle...from every dark cloud of thought and every inch of unkindness which wants to grow in my mind...i run towards my fears and seek to remove selfish reactionary desires and actions...i will not let my mind be devoured by wrongfulness...i will not stop until suffering is completely removed...i will not give my ego rule...i am on a path...i will not step from this path...i will not defeat my best self...

 

Monday, November 12, 2012

owl



owls are blowing my mind...they are everywhere...i keep seeing owls just like i kept seeing so many dragonflies...the owls are really speaking to me...someone showing an injured one (an eye damaged)...how she looked at me was as if she got inside me and flew around...chasing away all the field mice of doubts...wicked cool...

and another sitting near a dumpster behind a business...it was surreal...i was taking a long walk to clear my head and there it was looking off and then to me...i walked within five feet of it...i could have touched it but didnt...i just stood with it and asked it questions...it gave me such comfort...such a deep affirmation of my path...i was so grateful...


 

i knew the time between my birthday and winter solstice was going to be full of wisdom...the last push into a different mindful way...but....i had no idea i would have the intense challenges and the teachings i am finding in my path...i want them...i am eager for them...i run towards my fears...i accept the lessons...even the harsh ones...i want to get through to the other side....i am grateful...

i know more is coming and i am already thankful...i am strong...brave...willing to understand and learn...willing to open my heart more and more...willing to end suffering...

the owls are with me...helping me see...helping me swoop in for what will feed my spirit...it is an amazing time to heal and re-create my life...

Thursday, November 8, 2012

growing greener...

the last of the calendar year going by...a year of great personal change...living alone for the first time in decades...re-learning some life skills and growing in different ways...learning how to trust myself/others/life again and how to open up...taking it on the chin a few times and still loving myself through it the best i know how...

i conquered the depression and suicidal feelings after many years of having it pop up...it was a big entity to remove from my being but i did it and honor my spirit and the unseen for loving me through it...

i let myself mourn a few things this year....i let myself touch upon those tender wounded places of loss and gave myself time to grieve and cry tears of healing...in those sorrow filled places love now is anchored and when memories of loss come up in my mind love steps in to soothe the sorrow...

i have had beautiful moments of support in nature...many...nature is my temple...where i can most easily and most humbly meet my creator...each tree standing is a hope-filled affirmation of life itself...they are my brothers and sisters who know me intimately...and love me without judgement or punishment...they embrace me and give me peace...

i am grateful for a dragonfly and an owl which came into my life with such timing i can only believe god/the unseen had a hand in it...what lessons they continue to teach me!...both use the eyes to see all sides and far and near with such clarity....they taught me to see clearly and also to be precise in my actions as both navigate the world with great skill....this part i have had to work on...choosing words with more care...making decisions without procrastination but not in a reactionary way as well...i am eveolving out of old patterns and becoming more like the owl and dragonfly...

i have had to really deal with the hurts plagueing my heart this year...the struggle of interacting with folks after years of self imposed isolation has become too much at times...yet i was getting back into my skin this year and was catching the rhythm of my own silly slants of humor and whimsy...i was getting to express myself to others again...to speak out loud when for so many years i was silent...to voice opinions...to be myself...it was a personal revolution really...when you step out of the shadows and stand in the world again it takes a greater level of courage...to be this vulnerable and open...to risk my heart...to let people see me...it has been a challenge...but i have done it and refuse to let myself run back into the shadows...even though sometimes it hurts so much it is all i want to do...i wont...

i had hoped folks would understand the unique struggle of this year...some have been patient and compassionate...some unkind and hurtful...i thank them all...each gave me insight...though the ones who gave their kindness have fed my spirit and gave me hope...the others made me retreat and doubt myself...yet it was in this moment i found the love of the unseen holding me as i cried...and i found the courage in myself to let in love and give out love and forgiveness...i marvel at this person called Colleen...she is a treasure to the spirit within her that is eternal...and to know atlast that both are the same is beautiful...

and in risking and reaching out...in letting folks see me i did get rejected at times which hurt...and i was shocked more than once at the unkindness and harshness of the rejection...there is so little patience i have realized...it seems so little empathy in seeing what another goes through to re-enter the world...folks stay in their comfort zone and protect their hearts...i accept this but i wish i had been worth it to them...and i feel sadness for them in how they react....they must have a core of vulnerability they fiercly and fearfully guard...how sad...for them to cling...to let ego rule them...i know this struggle...but i have spent the year denying ego control...i have spent a year learning to let the unseen guide me and my spirit to lead...what a beautiful thing to give to myself and to the world...

i am worth it...all this self work and love....love from others and from myself...i see myself as flawed but also i am seeing myself in a very good way...

i see my faith and my love as deep and beautiful...i see my tender heart and how i do right more than wrong...i feel my uncomfortableness when i do wrong...it is good to feel so i dont keep doing wrong...i respect myself and am not cheapening myself or devaluing myself...i love that i give people countless chances and honor the being behind the human...and love the human with compassion even as my human messy part gets in the way at times...

i so love the belief i have in creating peace...that peace is always possible...i meet in the middle of a disagreement and talk it out...if this isnt possible then i go all the way to the other side and meet a person in their stuck place of resentment and fear...i meet them there and work on finding peace with them...i am willing to do this for anyone...there is always a path to peace and forgiveness and then to move on doing no harm to either myself or the other person...i have learned this from my mother...she has challenged me all my life...yet i love her and honor her and forgive her...she is worth my love and kindness...all are...each person i meet is worth the compassion and the understanding and the patience...and i turn this on myself as well...i am worth it....i am an equal with everyone and worth love and kindness...

it has taken me this long to completely embrace and put into practice this deep understanding of compassion...in fact it took a jolting experience recently to fully see how deeply i can forgive, love and honor others humanity...and to honor my own...to let myself feel hurt and sorrow and yet love myself through it and not beat myself up...i am learning to finally not beat myself up...i have spent all my life hurting myself because i thought that was all i deserved...now i spend my days expanding self love...and i find it a grace-filled experience...so very tender and i am so happy i am doing this for myself...i really love myself so much and find a great joy in time i spend with myself...i like me...and i like my weird odd quirky good ways...i like so much about me...and the parts i dont like i work on and am patient and compassionate through the process...pretty cool really...

my heart is a soft nest for love...i feel it...it feels good...i am grateful to the teachers in my life...i am grateful for the being i am...i am grateful to the beautiful god who lives within everything...including me...the green places in me are growing...the shadows are present but respected for their purpose...

at the end of this year i have a renewed hope and a deepening faith in myself...we all have great potential and are empowered to heal ourselves and the world...i passionately heal myself to add to the healing of the world...in clinging to my dysfunctions i cause harm to myself and others...i refuse to be the bringer of harm...to anyone including myself...and at the same time i will not be still when others do harm to me...i will speak up and not build resentments but instead seek to understand...

i can not stay stuck...that is a luxury this culture of the west has fostered long enough...in our selfishness to protect our vulnerable core and feed our egos with gluttonous abandon we have created great harm to ourselves, our families and the planet...as good ripples out so does harmful actions...i am willing to push through my own fears to heal the world...we are all worth it...i heal to heal others...i firmly believe this to be a great truth...i hope you see the truth of this too...in continueing harmful habits and dysfunctional patterns we impact others as well as our own well being...i will overcome doing harm...i may fail at times but it is so very vital in creating a healthy world...

and so with winter solstice approaching...one of my most sacred days of the year...i am eager to shed more old useless patterns...and step into the blessed season of winter with a renewed committment to following my bliss...growing the green space within me...and to walk a path of compassion and kindness with a more conscious ease...  

Sunday, November 4, 2012

a week gone by

i lost faith in alot of things this week...i lost faith in people i once trusted...i lost days in sorrow's grip...i found myself vulnerable and broken...i found my faith in myself stronger though...i found the love of the unseen unwavering...i found my best friend standing beside me...i lost hope...i grew sad for others and their struggles...i found forgiveness sitting in my chest...i began to build a wall around my heart...

i lost sight of what is important...i found the clear light and stood in it...i saw the nightmarish web of the patriachy spun by women...i saw a storm blow the curse of it away...i saw my words pour out like tears of hurt...i saw my  words rebuked...i write raw and full of sadness...

i gave over to my suffering...i filled myself with compassion and patience...i sat alone for hours in prayer...i gave christ a voice in my thoughts...i stayed away from people...i hid out...

i drummed for the healing of others...i drummed for healing within me...i was sick...wave after wave of physical pain hit me...i doctored myself and rested...

i walked down to the pond this evening and in my mind to the lake i love...i gave my burdens to the water...she took them away...i hugged a tree to me...i heard owl call to me...i didnt go...i will never go to the lake again...and this cuts deep...

i sit in silence now and hope for sleep...i let this anguish filled week slip away...i do not understand...perhaps i never will...there is an energy of gleeful harm in the air these days...hearts of stone coming up against hearts of glass...

i long for a piece of land and to tend flowers...to step away from this world and breath...to watch the green grow and the birdsong caress the breeze...to hold a hand...and smile to my beloved...and for her to smile back at me...

but time is sifting through me quickly...i feel it getting into my bones...time is undoing me in this nest of aloneness...so time to move myself beyond this sorrow...time to let go of this pain...time to rise up into a new day and face it with self love and self respect...trust again somehow...find a way to open my heart again...or walk away inside myself and keep to natures path...

 

the haven that is no more

~*~

 

seagull wisdom

 
my drumming log was moved alittle in the storm but still remains on the same speck of shoreline it has been on for years...it was good to touch it and drum for a moment...then i sat with it and thought of my sorrow...seeking some clarity there by the water...a seagull told me some jokes but they were kinda lame jokes...he said he was trying some new material and wasnt offended by the "non-involvement from the audience"...what audience?...it was just me and some guy 100 feet away peeing on a rock...
 
anyway my beech tree lost a big limb but still stands...though i know her days are numbered...she told me mine and everyones is...yeah yeah we are all gonna die and the planet is gonna break apart into trillions of pieces when the sun explodes...someday...knew that...she laughed when i got cheeky with her...
 
 
 
sun shines today after alot of physical pain yesterday...finished a painting this morning...walk would do me good...hoping for a productive day without any hassles...been dreaming of my brother (passed on in 1980)....he keeps cheering me on...telling me to get my backpack out and go...so i just might...wanderlust setting in...want to paint new orleans in the spring...
 
anyway i leave you with this lame joke from the seagull...
 
"troubles are like bird poop...they hit you outta the blue and  they are messy...but if you dont deal with them...you walk around feeling like crap...."  sid seagull
 
 
 
 
 
 

Saturday, November 3, 2012

a teaching from a tree

 
nature inspires me to greater understanding of myself...suffering is like a tree being devoured...my life will topple if i allow suffering to eat away at me...i will fall...and as i fall i will harm others...so to end suffering in myself is to prevent suffering in others...i seek to end suffering in the world by ending it in the only place i can most affect...i end it in me...

Thursday, November 1, 2012

tree star

 
a perfect tree star...to think it had never touched the earth until that moment...to think its life has been so short...and yet it lived in a community of so very many others...keeping the tree of their lives growing and becoming more...are we any different?...how beautiful and how precious we all are...

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

journey

 
snapped this shot at roger williams park during late summer...the summer of dragonflyers...came across it again last night and decided to save it for meditation and then a journey today...
 
should be a very interesting day...now that i see through the eyes of the dragonfly...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Sunday, October 28, 2012

dohiyi

 


i wrote a blog when i was in a deep place of sorrow last night...full of hurt...i stumbled through a twisted maze of heartache...no place to put all my disappointment at life lately...no place for it to go but down into me and make me sick...

i woke up this morning so much in sorrow i threw up til noon...a headache pounding me...i just could not shake the sadness...

the word dohiyi (cherokee word for peace) kept popping up...my friend karen wrote it on her arm in one of many playful moments and sent the image to me...karen who passed at 51...the treewoman...the elf king...a good person and loved by many...who struggled with her own stuff yet was generous and kind...who loved me even when i didnt feel lovable...i am so grateful for her teachings...i miss her...

i cant share the wounding of late...other than it is a repeated pattern from childhood...rejection...i set myself up for rejection again...i am taking responsibility for my part while sharing it with those others who rejected me...it is so incredibly painful and i am struggling to deal with it...to not shut down...it has changed me though...i will not be the same as i was...a wall is going up...it is the only way i know how to navigate this world any more...i had hope in something and now there is none...to surrender to this brokenness is atleast a relief...to no longer struggle...to let go...to break the rest of the way...and then to fill the brokenness with gold as they do in japanese pottery mending...

i am beautifully broken...i am beyond any more harm now...once you break all the way there is nothing left to harm...i am grateful not to be jaded...just broken...not depressed...not crippled...but simply filled with a tender sorrow...for myself...and for others...forgiving me for the person i am...forgiving them...

i am never going to be "normal"...i am an artist...a writer...i am a spiritual person who walks her own path to the beloved creator of all...in my own way...with conviction and reverence...and love for the natural world and for all sentient beings...i just wish i could belong somewhere in this world...i dont...the thud of  knowing this crashes in on me...

the harshness of it all is difficult...the harshness of what has just happened...the harshness of so much of life is difficult...yet i see beauty and grace and love as well...

i see a leaf for the first and only time fall from its home and land softly on the ground...i see a seal bob in the water...it looks at me as i look at it...and i feel its curiosity and cautiousness...i hear the sweet thin notes of a songbird singing so late in the season and pray for her safe trip to warmer places...i watch a hunched over older woman counting out change in the grocery line and my heart sends her love and healing light...and wishes for her to have enough to eat that evening...i watch a father toss a ball to a daughter...i see a cat crouch in waiting for some chase in the bushes...i smile at the storm clouds and whisper a prayer for all to be safe...i look at myself in the mirror and see kind eyes...

this is life...hurtful and not...i am here in it...breathing...full of flaws...full of light...falling short often...yet always moving towards understanding and enlightenment...imperfect yet in my imperfection i can see the flow of love accepting me in...just as i am...

i find peace in self-acceptance...all the words folks describe me as means nothing now...i know who i am...and i love me...i let go of the rest tonight...it is too painful to hold onto...the sorrow falls like leaves from a tree...the storms tantruming winds blow them far away...i am the bare boned tree now...roots deep...branches reaching up...still standing...

dohiyi...