the cave journey was alittle tougher for me this morning...i knew it would be simply by the energy shift of the cave as i entered...big lesson getting ready to be taught...well i had it coming since i put off the one from last night...but it is what it is...
so i entered a very unfriendly cave this morning...the shaman very intense...the walls dark...the fire out...no other guides around...no comfy blankets or fruit...just the silence and the slow growling chant of the shaman...which i found very annoying to me...and she noticed it and did it louder...
then she stopped and looked over at me...she asked "am i bothering you?" and so i said yes...because well she was...the noise was very bothersome...and i didnt know why but it was...so she asked me "why is it bothering you so much?" and without thinking i said "because it is a fake chant"...and then i started laughing because well i just told a shaman she was faking a chant and it is kinda funny...but she didnt laugh...instead she got very pissed off and started stomping around the cave...beating rocks with a stick and throwing dirt...and yet i still found myself laughing...then she bit herself...like a frustrated little kid does...and that really sent me roaring with laughter...she jumped up and down and foamed at the mouth and yet what should scare me was all just alot of tantruming...and that is when i saw it...i saw the lesson...
and she saw i saw it and sat down...i piss people off when i see through their fakery...their smoke and mirrors...their hiding out game...i see through alot of the phony baloney stuff in life and when i let them know i know it pisses them off...they dont like witnesses...and then they get mad at me for what they were trying to pull off....ahhhh...duh...and you always have to get rid of the witness so you can hold onto your fakery and protect your most vulnerable damaged parts...well you dont have to but you think you do...ya know?...i have done it...still am with one last nasty bit of sticky tar taffy crap i am dealing with...
well this makes me feel much better than last night...thinking i am a cancer and this is why folks reject me...nope i get rejected alot of times because folks know i know when they are faking it in some way and they dont like that...they pour alot of energy into building their protective structures and here i come along and look right past them...and dare to love them even...yikes...must freak folks out...it would me...
if they only knew i can do this not because i am a better shaman or a more "evolved" person or anything like this but i am able to do it alot of times because when i was a kid i had to know the moods of the crazy adults around me for survivals sake...and i simply "read" folks easier...some of the greatest intuitive people out there or most sensitive ones were probably the most abused emotionally and/or physically as a kid...
you develop a set of survival skills as a kid...if you have healthy family around you then most likely your survival skills will serve you well in the adult world...but with unhealthy family around you the survival skills become a twisted kit of things you do to protect yourself and what makes you feel safe...not great for coping in the adult world really...you can read people and see through alot of BS...but that just gets alot of adults pissed off...especially adults who have suffered different levels of abuse in their own childhood...
wow i knew this on some level but it really helps to make sense of some crap in my life...makes sense when it is applied to alot of situations in life for me...
i have a follow up with the shaman today...lol...she said so...i have a feeling it isnt gonna be all candle lights and roses with her today...but i can deal...i want to get this work done so i can loosen up and enjoy myself more...and perhaps others might then enjoy me too...
on a happier note the fresh snow is so pretty and it is inspiring me to make some kind of soup today...miso? french onion? split pea? or chili? and then i will journey some more...and paint and not be so hard on myself no matter what comes up today...
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