Friday, September 30, 2011

a journey with illness

so for the last few days i have been navigating a gallbladder attack...i didnt take care of myself in ways i knew to do but ignored...and so the lesson came...clear my energy field, bring in protective light from another's negative energy, eat what my body can accept and stay centered under moments that begin feeling stressful....duh...didnt do it...instead i just kept operating on a survival level rather than a thriving level and got a gallbladder attack from my wrong choices...

but at the same time i needed this illness...it stopped me and made me connect some dots in my life...why i react to being around my mom and how she manipulates even when i can see it at play...how i step in to her pain and not keep healthy boundaries...

to be a compassionate witness...this...in life...is sometimes all you can do for someone twisted and living in their suffering...clinging to their fears...but i didnt do this with my mom...i went into the pit to pull her out and she latched on...again...staying there and wanting me to stay with her...

even when you know exactly what to do you still may chose the wrong way, the self-created detour or the most harmful...you know on some level you are meant to face the big messy action so you can get to a lesson you wouldnt get to any other way...this is what i did...

i understand myself more as i recover from this attack...i understand how my mom not only is passive aggressive and uses manipulative emotional tactics to get what she wants but i also remember how she use to do it when i was a child...

the times she threatened suicide when i was little...i would hold on tight to her and tell her not to...she would sit by the water and threaten to jump in...so one of my arms would cling tight to her and the other would hold on to a tree root or something...and then i would beg her not to...and she would laugh and say she was only kidding...getting her emotional fix from me...

other times she would fake cry and get me to cry so i would comfort her and then once again she would laugh and say she was only kidding...and so the head games were played and when i was around her she kept finding new ones...ways to separate me from my dad...ways to make each person around her have only loyalty to her...sick games she fed on over and over again...

and this time mom started the game again...her fear of death pulled me in...her health issues...her tears...and it stressed me out...besides what i have going on in my own life i began to take on her suffering...only with mom her suffering has the added weight of using her own suffering as a way to gather energy from another person...it is a form of soul sucking...she pulls you off center to drain you...she uses a person's goodness to pull them in...they start feeling a low hum of anger that grows and grows until they are drained...she turns kindness into anger and then feeds...even when the person hides the anger...it is still food for her ego to feed on...

our own ego's need to feed as we turn our power over to it in self-worship...self-absorbing focus is what my mother did to herself early on...she learned this from her mother and she attempted to teach it to me...but unlike her and her mom i was brought up in an environment that was community focused...i was part of a larger circle than them...i was drawn to bigger and bigger circles...and as i grew and expanded that horizon of my world i understood that to reach out and do for others was a beautiful thing...to do it out of love and not servitude or guilt...to do it without a need to feed ego was freeing...to understand we are all one and to do for others lifts myself and the world up into a better place...

my mother stayed small and ego pulled her into a twisted and unhappy place...a place full of fears and traps that kept her enslaved to her fears...

my greatest fear in life is that i would become my mother...but through this illness and how i saw into so much of the dance she dances i get it...i get the wall i have always put up with her at a certain point when i became an adult...to keep from getting sucked in...i learned not to trust her kindness or caring or concern...it was all about pulling me in to get my loyalty...it was this way when she was concerned about me as i got sick here...it had nothing to do with a real concern...it had to do with what she feared...that i would get too sick to take care of her...

as an adult i started shutting down with others...as others treated me with kindness i would pull back and put up my wall...people could only get so close to me...i would never trust they wouldnt pull the rug out from under me....

recently as i started letting others in i started feeling too vulnerable...i had to start seriously looking at this....i wasnt understanding why i would panic at letting others close...i just would...the feeling of drowning would come to me...


this week i experienced the moment i started pulling back and putting up the wall...i have often chose people in my life who were emotionally distant so i didnt have to struggle with closeness...yet all at the same time wanting closeness...an odd dance i joined in on...but this week i wanted to see...wanted to understand...wanted to change and be free...

the big ahhhh-now-i-get-it moment...i am asked to trust kind actions from others and i dont because many times my own mom's kind actions or sad needy moments turned out to be hurtful...she wanted to drown me in her own fears so she could get a fix and feel safe until the next time she started becoming too afraid...this week she wanted her fix...and i finally saw that moment when i would grab her and try to save her as i did so long ago...but she never needed saving...she just wanted her fix...

today i am so incredibly aware of my vulnerable child within...her small hands holding on to her mother...terrified for her mommy...afraid...so afraid...

today i understand that it can be comforting for others to be kind to me...it can be safe...it can nurture me and not drain me...that accepting love and gentleness and kindness is not going to hurt me...i can be open...no walls...no fear...palms up...accepting...

i am grateful for this big lesson...alot of smaller lessons led me to this moment as well...and what you may take with you from my experience is this...when you begin looking at what doesnt work in your life and look for the core cause you will find it...though it may feel like you have had to unravel a huge ball of twine to get there...you will get there...and when you see it...the big fear...the thing that keeps you from loving yourself and others with a compassionate and grace-filled intent...well it will humble and inspire you...as it does me...you will accept what it is and where it started...you will release it gladly and without the need to hold onto it any more...you will learn to do things differently...healthier...and you will grow...expand...become more fully your happier self...

peek-a-ball

Monday, September 26, 2011

trees hugging



skipping stone...


i feel like turning my heart into a skipping stone...
three skips and then it sinks to the bottom and lives deeper...
untouched...unharmed...no heartache...just there...
below the surface...


Saturday, September 24, 2011

in the stream writing


brokeness doesnt mean a thing to me...i break to make newness have a space...letting go of the parts that dont work...letting them go...keeping the parts i know i can work with in this new day...laughing at the silly shape of things...the dream i held onto all my life...a crazy fantasy kept under lock and key for too long...gone now...

another piece of me is held up to the light...a bit of rose quartz...all about the hope for love and passion and gentle folding wings...

there are the dark parts which dont fit the new ways...but are looked at anyway...there is the broken sorrow of deaths and the metal weights of memories finally tamed...broken...and broken smaller...ground into dust...blowing away like stardust spiraling up...leaving me hollow but with room to now become more than the broken parts i carried around...

Friday, September 23, 2011

eyes


my eyes are seeing through the dark blur of rain...turning away from what is and seeing into what more there is...my old eyes from older times...my tired eyes ready to rest upon kinder eyes...waves stroke the beach and seagulls brace against the strong winds...a sailboat rides the horizon line fast...i am there and sitting...looking out at a better time...outside of time...at peace... 

power filled journey

felt very exhausted by this past week of care taking my mom and dad...not as much a physical tiredness but an emotional one...of processing my own emotions after dealing with my mother's behaviors related to her prescription med addiction and her mental health issues...yesterday it hit a high note when she once again talked about death...this time she wanted to know if she was going to be taken back home and if there was money to bury her...yes on both accounts but she wasnt believing it...so it spiralled down...then she started in on her health and how she was burning up, her heart was raising, she was having a blind spell, her hands were hot, her back itched, her little finger was killing her, she woke up and couldnt breath that morning...on and so on...for a solid four hours she complained and lacked any kind of filter in her processing...

i told myself to stay centered and calm and later i could let go of some of the tension building in my body...i am good at protecting myself for the most part...what i am struggling with is the assault of my
senses...the repetitive movements she goes through as she is climbing higher into her agitated state...it bothers me greatly but this too i will not let into me...

so the day ended and i released it and slipped into a better space....in my mind i went to my treehouse in the woods and enjoyed a very happy night...

when i woke up this morning...before everything this day may bring...i did a journey...what must i do not only to shield myself of my mother's energy but also to empower myself to be stronger in what i am going through in my own life...


>>>--------------------->

i flew to the cape as a seagull...landing at the gravesite of the native woman who's spirit i met walking there last year...
i sat by the grave in my human form and burned sage and lavender...i waited in silence...she came from behind and told me to walk with her...


she was simply dressed and with only a single string of beads around her neck...she had a dotted tattoo of the little dipper on her cheek...

we began making our way across the dunes and onto the beach...the sun was rising and the seagulls were busy fishing...

i asked her what can i do to shield myself....she said i was doing the best i could do in a very difficult situation...i am doing better than i have been doing over the years...she told me to not struggle in my mother's pit with her and to not even move close to it...she fears death and life and has been trapped in her pit for many many years...she didnt know how to be selfless in a way that empowers her and helps others...she is lost and may never recover from the pit she dug and climbed into...

i felt the woman's hand rest on my shoulder...she told me i am a good daughter but to not leap in the pit and follow my mother...she started answering the second question before i asked it...she told me to believe once and for all i am not my mother...my life has been full and i have not feared death and i have been doing work on the parts of myself which needed it...i have learned coping skills...i have walked a path of service and have done my best to ease suffering in myself and others...

she led me up the beach further...she knew my body was tired and my mind was as well...she placed me in a herb filled pool of water...it was hot and the scent of the herbs sifted through me...i fell into a deeper place in my mind where she also stood...she was drumming...and we both began to sing...it was a thankfulness song to life and the great spirit and to the directions and to everything...i felt my soul rise up with a tremendous swell of love and it washed over me...

i was brought back to the pool of water and was surrounded by others who played drums and built a fire...i climbed from the pool and was given a soft hide to wrap in...deer...sitting by the fire with others i joined in with the drumming...silence came slowly...each drum stopping until all the drums were silent but mine...i kept on til i felt the moment to lay mine down as well...we were quiet witnesses to the stars and ocean and fire and we all closed our eyes and breathed together...

i let go...i cried...i let go more...and cried huge sobs...was held...felt their strength...the woman came to me again...we walked back and she told me more...

she told me how to listen better to my own voice...to strip away what is not working in my life...to continue to stand in integrity...to keep ego in the toolbox but use compassion as often as i can...to surround myself with more and more upbeat and strong people...to stay away from those who hate or have self pity...to reinforce those things that feed my spirit..to continue to open up to others and to allow the love to flow to and from me...to keep the faith...all is as it should be...

i walked back to the grave alone...i was happy she stayed with her people...



Wednesday, September 21, 2011

under my skin


there is so much suddenly running through me tonight...i feel wild and full of fire...raw and moving towards some great teaching...i feel as if i will shed my skin tonight and travel into places i know but do not go...i will let myself go where i need to...i will be open...i hope for some peace along the way...but if there are difficult things to look at in the night i will run towards them as always...it would be nice to have a vacation from all the heavy stuff in my life...to curl up with a kindred spirit and rest for a bit...to just be still in stillness...i suppose it will come someday...but it would be nice if someday came sooner...to the journey and to more understanding...

serenity now

loving ocean peace

when days seem hard and nights seem lonely i tell myself to be the ocean...then i am filled with the company of millions, i am adorned with the endless charms of shells, i wear the glistening moonlight as my hair and the stars are my eyes to other worlds...i touch all shores and climb into land...i hold my mysteries and reveal them as i choose...there is beauty in the rhythm of my body and there is love in the soul of my deepest parts...i am the loving ocean...i am at peace... 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

deja vu all over again...

journey to the vultures

a short time ago i went to the mashantucket pequot museum in connecticut...on a main building before the museum the roof towers were full of vulture sculptures...wings outstretched and pointed to the east ...as the car passed by the building one real vulture lifted off and flew over...i laughed...this one was hiding out...i thought little of it all except how cool these sculptures looked...

then leaving the museum and driving away i looked up to see the sculptures again and they were gone!...all these buzzards...at least 30 of them with outstretched wings were real and were now gone! it gave me great pause...what we see is not as it often is...i know this but to have such a tangible teaching was amazing...

i have been wanting to journey to the vultures since that day and this morning felt like the time...the last three days have been challenging...dealing with my mom and her mental health issues...i have been more concretely making personal plans and accepting the weight of change and transforming this weight into a sense of lighthearted adventure...and so i felt this morning the draw to explore the vultures and what they can reveal to me...so here is my journey...

journeyed to the roof of vultures...asked for a guide for understanding...what is there in front of me i am not seeing...one of the vultures stepped forward and closed around me with its wings...it changed into a half woman/half vulture...i was still in my body but with large wings...we flew away with the other vultures following...

we all landed in the trees of a cedar swamp...the vulture woman navigated me to a large boulder in the middle of the swamp...she sat with me in silence...

the boulder started cracking open...i realized we were sitting on a boulder which also was an egg...we leaped up as animals and birds and insects came from it and scattered...then the egg/boulder closed again...we sat again...again it hatched and fish leaped, turtles crawled and frogs hopped from the opening...this time she directed me to go in...so i did...

she sat and waited and when i emerged i emerged as myself only feeling rejuvenated and keenly aware of my own life...the breath of my body, my heartbeat, my skin sensitive to touch, my being open to existence...i felt my human desires and needs and not ignored as before...i felt my happiness easily...i felt the power of my will and the peaceful movement of my minds thoughts...the green around me came into me...the calmness of the breeze flowed through me....i was all the way alive...

the other vultures came down to me and spread their wings out...a wind came and scattered the feathers...standing around me were people...ancient people...shining with their own self awareness...they took me to their village and we feasted...i felt my vitality restored completely...with vulture woman by my side i ran and ran and ran until i was on my aunts land and ended my journey there under the apple tree...

Monday, September 19, 2011

A Shapeshifter's Journey


I run out into the rolling river of wind--

My arms spread wide, my eagle wings becoming.

Devil-swirls dance leaves below me as I lift myself up.

I laugh with the lust of being in this raw-fisted weather--

I am one of the wild-eyed creatures. I set myself free.



(Are you tucked in your quiet burrow?

Come out with me and roar through sky!)




I forget the cold, I forget the rain slapping hard.

From a cave in the deepest part of my soul,

An ancient and powerful cry crashes out of me.


The calm of  dark water is below me.  

My wings shift as I land on a smooth-faced lake.

I become a white swan and feel the slowness of this body.

With longing I make my way across to the other side and to my mate.

Stars hum a gentle song, my heart beats softer, i see you waiting. I am home.

 

























Sunday, September 18, 2011

puzzle pieces slip into place...


sometimes i will come across a situation or a name or place i feel so close to in some way...when i come across julian of norwhich i feel this connection...there is simply a resonating feeling i have whenever she pops up in my life and this grave marker especially caught my attention for the infinity symbol carved into the stone...it is my personal symbol...

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Melissa Etheridge - Open Your Mind

morning journey...


cricket in the sunroom with me was pulsing with a beat and took me into my journey...

i went down a rabbit hole...came up on my aunt's land in the woods...pony people were huddled under a large pine sleeping...i curled up with a young one...she opened her eyes and sighed and nudged me...she nuzzled my neck and whispered for me to come along...we went to a beautiful brook of sepia water and both got a cold drink...silence wrapped around us like a warm blanket...i stretched out on the moss and the young one stood over me looking out into the woods...she spoke:

"it is time"

she ran into the woods...i felt like i needed to run after her...deep into the woods it became dark...i lost sight of her...tried to track her but she left no broken branches or hoof prints...the woods didnt give up a sound...dead silence...not the comforting silence by the brook...i was afraid...a guide wouldnt come but i felt like it was as it should be...then i heard it...the breathing...the gutteral growl coming closer...closer...closer...but i saw nothing...until the last moment...the eyes...eyes in pain...yet ready to take on anything it saw...fear charged and ready to do harm...

and then it happened...i shapeshifted...i became a snarling dog too...i was feeling the fear...feeling it as a dog and not a human...we circled each other...this hulking dog i had become and a mirror image dog ready to have at it...and we attacked each other...i didnt know why...we grabbed and bit into one another...backed off...came at each other again...

i was dealt a fatal wound and released from my dog body...i stood over it...watching the other dog's reaction...it sat by the dead animal and licked its own wounds...it was more at peace now...calmer...not afraid...then it heard a noise in the woods and became fearful again...unsure of where to go...it left and went deeper into the woods...

i looked around and saw the young pony child...she came up to me and walked me back to the brook...i waded into the water and stood...pouring the cold water over me...feeling sad to the bone...remembering my childhood and all the pain in pockets of those years...

those dogs were part of my childhood...the dogs fighting...the violence...and from the lowest hurt and mourning part of me came a howl...standing in the cleansing waters i howled the songful prayer a dog howls when injured...a howl of soul wrenching sorrow...i let go and mourned for the little girl who witnessed such suffering...

>>>---------------->

later now and i have been sitting with my mother for an hour...she is nervous and has popped her painkiller she is addicted to...she has so little time left in her body...she has not taken care of it...she has let it break down while she has gone through much of her adult life off and on abusing prescription drugs...she has self injured or wanted operations to get drugs...she has paid with her remaining years and quality of life for her addictions...she has been addicted to nicotine all her life as well and it is part of pulling her body down...it is amazing she is still alive...she could have had a different one if she had worked on her issues much younger...she is self absorbed and lost inside herself...

i talk to her...she asks what she can do...but she doesnt have the willpower to make changes...she blames others and illnesses and doesnt look at her own responsibility in how her life has evolved...

i feel blessed to take radical responsibility for my life and how it turns out...i looked at my journey this morning and my childhood and know that i was exactly where i needed to be...going thru exactly what i needed to experience to be who i am on this day...i am able to sit with a woman who runs deeper into the woods fearful...i understand her...i could have given up and succumbed to an intense childhood myself...but i have been a seeker of my lessons and open to each one...embracing them and i am grateful for them...even the most painful ones...

who am i to not have experienced them along with everyone else...my mom has never understood this common human experience...we are faced with death, disease, poverty, violence...in our lives we have suffered in some way...perhaps over and over again...it isnt what we face in life that creates more suffering...it is how we navigate it...i choose...concsiously choose...to navigate my suffering with diginity and respect for my own humanity...to embrace the lesson and to learn and grow and expand my compassion and my ability to love better...to be a hero in my own story...and then to be a healer to others...

i will not fail myself even though i have met with failure in my life...as long as i seek and am open and am willing to make changes as i learn and grow then ignorance will not keep me enslaved...i will always be in the presence of my own compassion and accept the compassionate love given to me from others and from the great flow of love...

i hope this for my mother even at this time in her life...that she allows for her own spiritual healing and finds the beautiful peace which comes from opening to the flow of love...






Friday, September 16, 2011

on another planet...

sometimes when i travel i feel as if i travel from planet to planet and not just from place to place...two days ago i got in my rocket and blasted off down the new jersey turnpike...8 hours or so later i landed in southern maryland...different kinds of birds sing to me in the mornings...i traded the seagulls and crows outside my window for the bluebirds and starlings...

my to do list has changed...adapting to what is needed for here...my gills begin drying out since the ocean is not within eyesight as before...but i take tubbies when i can to keep from making the selkie part of me become too lamentful...

but wherever i go...whatever planet i land on...i am at home within myself...though i must say i love my planet...it has a beautiful slow yawn of shoreline which occasionally roars when storms stir it up...the serenade of seagulls as i wake is comical but wakes me smiling...i miss my fellow humans i have come to know...the trees i have befriended are preparing to change into their fall colors...the sun begins now to fade sooner and a crisp breeze sends out mellower perfumes of tired leaves, blooming mums and carved pumpkins...

my planet will be there and so i will explore this one for a few weeks...no worries...gently sifting through the hours of early fall...happy...


laaaaa...a happy cardinal

Monday, September 12, 2011

Journey: Opening to Balance


i am getting into sketching as i do a journey...sometimes i begin a partial image as i form a question...then as i jot down notes i add to the image...this is one of the images that came from a journey written on the opposite page (to enlarge simply click on it)

Squarepusher - Iambic 9 Poetry

Allowing Love to Cross the Bridge

I remember this quick exchange my uncle and aunt had one day long ago. He had staggered in from a binge. He was very pissed off and snarling at her. My uncle would get very down and would say he needed to find him a church and get born again. My aunt never encouraged anyone to get religion. She had been forced into it as a child and said it nearly ruined her happiness.

Well, this one time he just exploded, shouting, "IS THERE A GOD?" His whole body shook with the ache of the question. And just as quickly, she fired back, "You stupid son of a bitch! YES, there is a God…look out the damn door and see for yourself!"

I feel so lucky to have had my consciousness evolving the way it has for all these years…with laughter at times and wise, close moments of sorrow at other times. I find when I am faced with even the most difficult situations, I manage to see the creator of all in everything that is happening. I see the temporariness of whatever I am going through. Always ready to find the lesson, the laughter, the transcending beauty and the love...even in the most painful events.

God, to me, is a source of infinite love--a pure, loving energy coming from the wellspring of the unseen…through the spirit flow we all are in.

The pure love enters into our human realm using the soul. The soul, to me, is a bridge from spirit to human…this is where pure love tries to make it to our human part. But as it crosses over it gets fragmented and distorted by the debri within us...what we hold onto...fears, self-abuse, others' soul parts, wrongs we think have been done to us and then finally the last destructive forces of ego. By the time it makes its way through us, love is so polluted and distorted it doesn't nurture others and it fails to expand the love light of our human realm. Soul energy is blocked off, struggles increase, suffering overwhelms us...all of us...we all being one in this big soup of molecules/energy.

I needed to understand how to receive pure love all the way, to give love out and to accept love from others. I needed to rid myself of the debri within me…to be conscious of not allowing more to replace it. I'm actually finding this easier and easier to do. Just like you brush your teeth or prepare your meals, you can find time to clear yourself of debri…negative energy patterns, other people's pollution, whatever feels unhealthy to your soul. Keeping your soul's flow healthy is just as important as keeping your body well. In fact, a healthy soul promotes a healthy body.

Now, I am very aware to not help others extend their soul parts to me. When you take someone's soul parts or you give yours away, you are damaging the ability to receive and give love.

I am getting the deeper meaning of love now. It isn't this surface thing that fades. Love is Spirit…in the purest, boundless sense. And when you love…when you truly and most purely love, honesty and nobility of actions are inspiring. Peace fills every breath. Joy is the dance of Life. Happiness lingers longer. Sorrow is eased from you. And passion dwells in the fearless Heart of a loving person. You open up. You move forward towards even what seems fearful. 

Love creates the ability for you to understand who you really are…a boundless being of light and grand purpose.



I have worth beyond measure and a mission to expand Love.I feel the honor and full grace of Life.  I feel dazzled by the immense beauty of it all. I am so very blessed. I am allowing Love to cross the bridge.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

in peace...

9/11/2011

to all of those who passed, to the families and all of us who stood together witnessing 9/11/2001...i take a moment and pray and remember...

to the living...may our hearts have opened more to kindness and compassion than hate and ill will...may we walk towards one another gentler and be more at peace...

after 9/11 we came together as a nation and cared about each other...less rude, more considerate in public, more respectful and connected to what we were all going through...what day did you stop looking at the people around you as you?...when did they stop being your brothers and sisters and became democrats, republicans, illegals, welfare cases...when did you start using racially charged words again or began shaking your fist at drivers in traffic again?...when did all the flags we saw after 9/11 disappear from so many doorsteps? i think it is not only good to remember but also to be as we were those days and weeks after 9/11...we were a better nation then than we are today...we cared about one another and not just ourselves...

Stepping Into the Flow



1.
I believe in more than I can see.
I believe in more than my mind can accept.
Days move and nights climb in.
The seasons change the landscape,
But you are always there.
You are the unseen bird singing in the branches,
A leap of fire from a pile of brush,
The scurry of a mouse finding a nest for the winter,
A wave draping her body over a smooth rock.
You are there now and in the whispered always.
Part mystery, part mischief.

2.
Above,
In the higher self,
Where Creator of All greets us,
There is a stream of Love--
Ever flowing…
Sending us comfort.

With our souls
We bridge the world of body and Spirit.

It is on this bridge I meet you
And walk along,
Souls dancing in the Light.

Friday, September 9, 2011

before i lay me down to sleep...



i say a gentle goodnight to you...to the sister sitting in a quiet room silent within her sorrow...i kiss your forehead and smooth out your pain...gentle goodnight to the wild child howling at the moon...you pace in yourself full of youthful angst and hunger...i grin wide and wink at you...for i know you...i once was you...goodnight pacing panther...and goodnight to the woman sitting at the bar...snatching another drink...drenched in regrets...yearning for lost years...you can be your own hero tonight...you can go to battle and win...goodnight lover of love...i love you...goodnight sleepless angel watching over a sick child...goodnight sisters...may sweet dreams come to you on lovely wings of peace...

polite banter

graffiti in galway, ireland

Returning to My Ways


1.
Outside, in the newborn pink of daybreak,
By the still waters, I pray for resurrection.
It is the moment of good morning--
A new day rising up. Light sings upon all.

2.
My old self lifts her head as she hears my psalm.
She warms herself with the sunlight--
Eyes slow to open after a long sleep.
She slips through the reeds, finding the shedding rock--
Scraping belly along, leaving the old skin behind.

3.
I am the daughter of women who tended the land.
I am the daughter of women who walked strong.
I am the daughter of women who sang their prayers--
Who gentled horses, grew crops, sold baskets and quilts,
Walked into the woods to find medicine to heal spirit fevers.

I am the daughter of a mother who forgot our ways.
I am the daughter of a mother who let go of her power.
I am the daughter of a mother who twisted her mind til it broke.
I am the daughter of a mother who teaches me the soul shines through.

4.
I am the woman who closed herself down so she wouldn't fall apart more.
I am the woman who broke anyway. I am the woman who holds her own hand now.
I am the woman who humbles herself in prayer. I am the woman who still loves deeply.
I am the woman who finds compassion beautiful and faith endless.

And now, I turn and shed these years of suffering.
In this new day I resurrect.

I sit and listen. I accept. I stand and go forward--knowing...
I am the worthy daughter of myself. I am a woman full of hope.



happy song...happy day...

rain rain rain...



Thursday, September 8, 2011

a lotus becoming

from the mud
the lotus is born
perfect
petals unstained
open to the sunlight
awake to each day
reaching upward
always becoming
more fully itself

life during wartime


talking heads in my brain bucket for a couple of days now...this aint no disco!...can you sit still when this is playing?...really...you can?...not even dance in your head?...i double dog dare you to cut loose and go for it...disco here, disco there but rock and roll is right here...right now...p-p-p-pow!

soul shining...

i died to the old me this morning
it was the most freedom I have ever felt
shooting my soul from my eye...flying towards perfection


above the highest mountains
i floated along the currents of thin air
letting go of each memory of suffering
and for every wrongness fully forgave myself

i held on to nothing but the love i have had
for those i have loved as best as i could
and felt the love they have sent me
completely received at last


the golden thread which held me to my body
grew tighter and was nearly ready to snap
when a soft feeling of my deepest love
stopped me from moving further away


i turned and went back to my still body
feeling perfection one last time...accepting this fate
i simply know i can not be where you are not

the soul nesting once again
i wrap myself in love's gentle cloak
and set my eyes on the rising of this day


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

A Selkie's Offerings


when i slipped free of my selkie skin and walked away from the beach

a glistening wave lifts its body up--caressing a mound of sand close to you...rain whispers down to soothe and offer blessings...wind dances over every inch of your body...offshore i watch you in your most vulnerable moment...you look to the sky...your eyes closed...lips part softly...i see you trying to stand strong against your sorrow...i hear your prayers and tender sobs...i see you unsettled...a tight fit in your body....

i see you...i know you...i am of your clan...a restless shapeshifter recognizes another of her kind...your skin has been stolen...i heard your prayers...i understand...your agony fills my lungs with cries of sorrow for you...i can take no more...to see you suffer is to suffer too...i release myself from what i was...i give myself to you...i give up my ways...i will walk on land now...
 
it is easy to offer up my skin...what I give is a gift of love...use it to free yourself...or hide the skin and keep me as your own...either way there is happiness...either way there is love...

~~~*~~~

made some artistic commitments this morning...projects i want to do...art i want to create...teachings i want to give...very excited to feel the passion for my teaching again...years ago i taught in sedona and loved going out into the desert to lead a class...to be out in nature no matter the weather and get folks connected...doing a creative ritual in nature while making a work of art is a powerful dance with Mother Nature...using her discards for art materials and letting yourself open up to seeing feeling and expressing yourself is a loving act for you and i cant imagine Mother Nature not giving you a smile and a gold star sticker for your finished work...


this morning has been a very  thoughtful and creative morning...a happy morning...hope all of you have a happy morning...day...life:)

 

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

eye candy...

we are a circle within a circle...


i have been going through a huge personal transition the last couple plus years...i fell into ways and habits that made me weak...patterns repeated since childhood...i became uncomfortable in my adult life wherever i was...it was like being in a house that was always falling apart...

and then it was like i was standing in a house on fire!...i had to leave...to search for a new dwelling place within myself...new rooms of myself to live in...to close doors on old ways...to open the windows of the new rooms...to rest and regather myself...as different seasons and experiences have come and gone the past few years i have stepped into different rooms...the room of karen and cancer with her...the room of my own health issues now recovered from...the room of my mother and her suffering...the room of my relationship with my partner and the letting go and accepting the end with love intact and peace remaining...a room of deb and new jersey and seeing where i fit in others lives and where i do not..other rooms in the house...a room discovering i own my own body and i can choose who to share it with and to what level...a room with money issues...a room of my spiritual practices and the compassionate path i walk...

and so i took this simple trip to maine...such a blink of time really...but it did something to this house i was dwelling in...it was blown away as hurricane irene approached...

so one house burned down and another blew away...but it leads me to a walk down a new path and in my journey just now i have a more permanent and peaceful place to live and only one room...i dwell in a temple now...a temple of loving compassion...surrounded by light and nature...the ocean before me and the lush green forest behind my temple...a garden to feed everyone and many flowers blooming...many trees to hug...lush moss to walk barefoot on and cool pools of water for meditation...large pots on the stove...a long table outside for feasts...a large lilac bush to sleep beneath...in the temple it is a simple place...a ring of stones in the center for a fire...the ceiling open to the sun and stars and moon sisters parading...a temple of art and drumming and music and togetherness...a room filled with compassion, calm, humor, gentleness, honesty, integrity...a room with the connection of the flow of Love...for all who come to this room it is a place of healing...of redemption...renewal...rebirth...but especially compassion and Love...greeting everyone with an open heart...

i can never feel homeless or without a family again...the world is my family and i am my home...

i am excited to see what this temple will manifest...i look forward to it...i am already feeling the temple as a sanctuary of goodness and happiness...

i am so incredibly blessed today...it is such a joy to be where i am within myself...to be so near to begin my real work and walk the fully engaged path of a shaman...i feel as if i have been in training and study for so long and yet know i will always expand and learn more...i feel close to all of it now...

as i stand in the Temple of Love built by the compassionate path of service to others i have a home...it is so good to finally be home...

super libra

a beach towel cape...a leap of faith...heart shooting sparks to fend off dark thoughts...raise your glass if you still believe in love...excuse yourself if you are jaded...i believe...i believe in the grace of love...it is a secret message only babies can hear...laughing at their knowing...it is the knowing the lovers know...if just in brief and desperate moments of loving...it is in the joy filled tears from love's first sighting...it is in the last goodnight you will ever hear her say in her passing...it is the echo of "i love you" sounding through the chambers of your starving heart...it is the silence between will you? and yes...and in me it is in the hope...for more...as my eyes search and find a shooting star in the silvery silence of a resting sky...i make that wish...open my heart...flip back my cape...and leap...

Monday, September 5, 2011

acceptance + compassion = happiness



"Accept ~ then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life." ~ Eckhart Tolle

happy car...


snapped this pic down at the pier one day...i thought this person would be a hugger and a cool person to meet...never caught them getting into their car though...

write on...

people keep telling me to write...and then i sit down to do just that and truman capote (just one of the many southern gods and goddesses) starts talking to me..."oh my god you again?"...and i chuckle...his southern drawl fills my head...his muted hand gestures and boredom with what i havent even written yet is seen in my mind's eyes...he is just mumbling now...nearly falling asleep with the tedious boredom of me...and he mumbles.."you know it is as simple as asking some good ol' boy republican down south some question about politics and he will hand you a novel on a silvah pladdah"...and i certainly know this...ask any southerner and they have their stories and their big opinions...they can deliver it with the passion of a sunday sermon and with the fire of saturday night beer joint banter...

my aunt was a storybook...give her a topic...on anything...you said the word shoes and she had a story...the substitute teachers in our classrooms were interesting storybooks...especially the WWII vets who sub'ed...gut and blood stories...or the stories of the women at the quilting circle...gossipy and always caught up in who was cheating on who around town...

and i have my stories too...living this long i have become a thick storybook...so i write...truman chimes in...wants me to fix him a drink...i wonder who else will show up as i tell my stories...

organic urban art


dublin, ireland


good morning world...


Sunday, September 4, 2011

paints gone wild...(to be read aloud)


a smash of orange...a crash of black...bites of blue...baby...baby blue just for you...

a slide of yellow against the belly of the beat...a riff down my spine...the curve of a hip...the stream of silver flows...

the dream of neon...the edge of insanity...the split of a seam...green...

reaching up...into sky...a sip of wine...a scream of red...then fingers vibe...to the beat of a bass...a slow release...a forgotten groove...me against you...and the paint...it is getting heavy...on the vine...it is sweet...here...now...colors collide...

i dive...

beneath the surface of a whispered yes...sinking down...your trembling body is so...is so...is so...oh goddess...

yes..yes..yes..so alive...in there...and out...and knowing...time is going away...i am out of my body...but i am here...saturated...in the moment...dripping...sign draped across my chest...wet...paint

dr. maya angelou

a heart hides in plain sight...



from dream to journey...


i woke this morning around 5 am...my dreams were busy working on me last night...i woke with a great need to continue what i was dreaming and so i let myself journey into the landscape i had been dreaming of...the lake in maine...

in my dream i walked to the lake and was by the bonfire...the stars were thick and women seemed to wear them in their hair...as they spoke embers flew from their eyes and danced up to greet the stars...i dreamed they shapeshifted and flew as birds...some were swans...others loons...still others hawks and owls and eagles...i wanted to shapeshift too but i couldnt...i looked down at my feet and they were buried in the ground...held tightly...anchored...

so i journeyed to the lake and to the circle and to the women again....and in my journey i cried out...i need help...i cant do this alone...i tried to dig but couldnt...my hands became anchored in the earth as well...but noone came...i heard only the sounds of the birds in the distance and the crackling dance of the bonfire near me...i started feeling so much sorrow...i wanted to fly away too...i wanted to be a part of the mystery out over the lake and on the other side...i could hear them growing further away...i wanted to go with them...but i couldnt break free...i asked for a guide to come...i begged for it...

a fox face emerged from the fire...and then the body of the fox...it was made of twisting flames...it was my guide and it told me it would help me free myself...what must i do to free myself i pleaded...

the fox hissed through its firey mouth...i could barely hear the word....i asked to hear it again...leaning closer...she spoke it again in a roar of flames that came racing towards me...TRUST...

what do i need to trust i asked...

LOVE!....the fox shouted it as a fireball raced towards me....exploding at my hands and feet lodged in the ground...the sandy shore holding me in place became fused glass...i felt even more trapped...

then the fox came very near...it sat in front of me...it shifted into a real fox...it spoke to me...you never thought you were a bird so you never became one...you thought you werent good enough to fly off with them...now listen...they are out their pairing up...building nests...loving and laughing and becoming family...you stayed on shore because you were afraid of not being a good enough bird...you didnt trust yourself...you wanted to be with them but you ran inside yourself and lost the moment to shift and go...

i cried and yet felt the truth sink into me...the fox called out to the beavers in the water....they came ashore and began slapping their tails against the glass prison...i was freed...

the fox led me to the water...he told me to go in...to make my way across and join my family...i told him i couldnt swim...he said the word trust again...i waded in...and as i did i was surrounded by small turtles...they held me up as i struggled to move my arms and legs...slowly i made my way with their help...but in the middle of the lake i started thinking of the other side...would they invite a human in...would they accept me...as my thoughts darkened the turtles began to leave...i didnt realize this until i began sinking...i struggled suddenly...going under...i felt myself drowning...

i felt myself ending this life...a great longing overtook me...to leave my body...to go home to spirit...but i couldnt leave...i was anchored in my body...i sunk to the bottom...i looked around...it was dark and lonely here in this place where not even the light of the moon could reach...i cried out in my thoughts for the fox or the turtles...but none came...i was alone and it was entirely up to me...did i have the will to live on...did i believe i could go on...could i transform into a bird and rise from this watery grave of deafening solitude...

i stilled my thoughts...i focused on a single word...love...i held the word in my mind and let it fill me...i became love...i felt compassion for all i had gone through...i felt the longing in my heart...i felt the old scars and the broken promises like arrowheads in my body...still keeping me wounded...i needed to remove them...i filled my body with shafts of light and pushed the arrow heads out...i let go of the longing for what is not to be...i had to let the light remove the pain of a love which had become a twisted vine within me...i felt the gentleness of my own soul...and then i felt the shift...

my human body began to lift and i was floating face up in the water...hands outstretched...the stars shined down upon me...the full moon gave me more light and the water left my lungs...i breathed in moonlight...i breathed in life...i felt my body change...i felt wings forming...my body becoming a bird...i thanked my guide and the turtles and the moon and stars and the lake...i was praising spirit and feeling the love of the creator of all...i felt re-born...i felt at peace with myself...

my body was done shifting and i flapped my wings...i was a swan...i was so grateful to be a swan...i knew swans...they mate for life if they nest well together...they are strong...they live well on land and water...humans and gods alike have shapeshifted into swans...

i glided on the lake...heading towards the shore i had once struggled to reach...birds were calling to me...welcoming me...one swan came to greet me...her eyes silver from the moonlight...she reached out a wing and touched mine...she greeted me by name...etain...i knew this story...i knew of etain...but me?...

yes the swan said...i have been waiting for you...i have built a nest and now we will live here and love and dance in the moonlight...

and so we danced in the moonlight...a delicious and gentle dance...delighting in one another in this enchanted place only birds will know of...


Saturday, September 3, 2011

when she dreams of the rainforest...

acrylic on canvas
24" X 30"
just wanted to share one of my larger works with you...if you look at this painting long enough you may begin to see birds and plants and movement and sounds...you may feel yourself shift and become a part of that great cathedral of nature called the rainforest...

the stream...


i do stream of conscious writing after a journey sometimes...the images and thoughts weave together...revealing even more as i let the flow of my inward sight continue to see what i need to see...this morning i journeyed to a very full place of answers and the one word wrapped in all of the journey was love...the question for the journey was: what must i do to navigate these transitional days...i got my answer and then some!...here is "the stream"...

i was pulled quickly into a cave and came out on a beach cliff...climbing down a rope i was surrounded by darting birds but none were my guide...i got the sense they wouldnt let me fall though...their eyes were so kind and they spoke words of comfort...wings gently brushed against me as i descended the cliff face...the beach had fine sand and warm from the day of sun shining on it...

i walked to the water and put my hands on the surface as i do and then on a rock...the hand revealed a heart shape in the palm untouched by the water's imprint...as the sun dissolved the handprint i put my own hand to my heart...i felt my heart beating...it has always been there...at times a comfort when i am alone...i have always thought it spoke one word all my life...love love love...a lifetime of prayer...a chant through my day...the underlying sonic driver drumming in my chest until this life closes out...love love love...

my eyes closed and i stood at the edge of the water...one foot on land and one in the ocean...

i rocked as if i were playing my drum...my hand gently patting my chest...singing a prayer..."let love transform my sorrow...let love flow to others who suffer...let love heal us...let love light the world"...and as i was singing i felt a presence behind me...i didnt turn around...i reached my hand back and offered it...i knew if my hand was held it would be my guide...and it was taken...a kind energy filled me...a gentle soul was there to my side...my eyes opened but i did not look over...i looked at the sky...thin fingers of pink and reds streaked the sunset...stars began to reveal themselves...the world darkened yet the sky was fully blossoming with stars...i felt the drumming of my heart...love love love...i felt my hand held by the unseen one...a womanly energy had come to me at the lake in maine...this unseen one was the same being's energy...i heard thoughts not mine and it was the unseen one speaking within me...she was full of compassion and peace...she was my guide and she was strong and yet vulnerable herself...

she was telling me to listen...listen closely...listen to the sky and the trees and the wind and the soul of the earth...i asked what the soul of the earth is...the stars seemed then to twinkle brightly...as if laughing...the waves shivered to shore as if laughing...the sand snaked around my feet laughing...the birds swooped up and down laughing...i laughed...happiness is the soul of the earth the unseen one thought to me...where ever there is laughter and love and communion of peace their is happiness...and happiness is mother earths soul and she is with you in spirit now...

are you mother earth i asked...no...but she brought me to you...she loves you...i love you...you need to love yourself now...you need to accept who you are and love big...

she stepped behind me and wrapped her arms around me...her hands softly beat my chest...the ocean stopped moving and the stars calmed their light...the sand fell flat again...the birds landed and were silent...there were no sounds...no movement but the movement of her hands...and the chant of my heart...love love love...

rage roared in me...flashing memories of being alone as a child...alone and scared...tortured and hurting...bloody and swallowing my tears silently...a flash of memory of my small body standing up and walking strong...carrying the weight of my pain...the bruises...the strap marks...snakes of hate-filled words wrapped around my heart then...but my heart pushed them away...

the unseen one thought to me...you were not those words...you were not those acts of violence...you were not unloved...you were always loved...by the earth and the creator of all...you were always meant to live...you were always meant to love well and be loved back...you let the dark ways devour you at times and you hurt yourself...forgive yourself now...

i felt her press against me and then i felt her heart beating...it chanted with mine...love love love...

i saw more...flashing memories of my kindness to others...even to those who have harmed me...i saw myself through others eyes and saw the good person i am...then i saw myself as i thought i was...unkind...unlovable...selfish...

she took my hands and placed them over hers...drumming my chest...

her thoughts came again....forgive and let go...open yourself...give yourself to love...open yourself to happiness...to the soul of mother earth...delight in her and love yourself and others with the joy and peace she offers you...the creator of all wants you to be happy...let go...fall away from the old...leap into the new...i will be here...i am here...



the stars glistened like crystals full of light...brighter and brighter until the ocean was filled with the light...waves lifted up again...sparks of light shot through the waves that curled up along the shoreline...the birds glowed with the light filling their wings...they lifted up into the air and road the currents...gliding in silence...the sand looked like diamonds beneath my feet...the world sung out with light....i felt light shooting from me...from every pour...i floated...my body lifting...she lifted me up...the drumming still going on...

i felt loved...i felt the creator of all...i felt the unseen one...i felt the soul of the earth...

she stopped drumming and took my hands...floating and holding me from behind...and i drifted like a feather...over the ocean...beneath the stars...floating and simply being at peace...

she reached up and scooped a handful of stars and gave them to me as if they were water to drink from her cupped hand...and then she thought to me...go now...let the light flow through you...you have your answer...

and i do...i am stronger today...very mentally tired but then the head trip i took this morning would tire anyone...so today i am keeping it simple...a walk...alittle sketching...drumming this evening...

for anyone reading this i love you...i send you a kind ribbon of light to wrap around you and dissolve into you...you and i are loved...there is a big love and i feel it...i hope you do too...

Friday, September 2, 2011

hey jesus its me...

i know you are busy with things...but i just miss our chats and felt like popping in on you...

strange days you know...so much going on...floating and not finding much to tether to...so i hold on to you, to nature, to a smile someone gives me, to the eight fold path, to ho'oponopono, to simple meals shared and gentle conversations...i hold on to the dance of a dog running free, to a child chasing bubbles on the wind, to an older woman in the grocery line who hums a soft tune...i hold on to the smile of a friend and how i saw you in her eyes...i hold on to hope...

i gentle myself...make the edges smooth...give love as much as i can...risk...open up...

and the love is flowing...an endless well is filling up and spilling over...so much love jesus...i feel it and send it out...i fail sometimes...but i refocus and do my best...to love...to do no harm...to be quick to forgive others and myself...to be grateful for all i have...

the trees are my angels...hugging them is like hugging you...thank you for this...and thanks for the people who hold me up...they are your best angels...but you already know that...oh and thanks for this morning...the sunshine was so sweet and woke me ever so gently...
well i guess it is late and you are still doing your cosmic mystery tour around the planet...tucking some in and waking others up...but thanks for the visit and the pat on the head...will wave at you in the morning...i will be the one with the "life is good" t-shirt on...big hug...goodnight...