Friday, March 30, 2012

rainbow serpent

so much working through me...good, steady healing...the last few days the exact things came into my life i needed to help set a sacred stage for my healing...i cant say i am 100% yet...my body is literally vibrating with healing energy and peace...i cant really describe much of this right now..i just know it is part of a healing unfolding...
a friend gave me a drum healing...i went into a journey...


inside of me a good part was white flowers...around my heart and above...below was a wet sludge of grey cement...the cement was my sorrow...it was growing and hardening...i went away from my body...i was back in my childhood experiencing sorrow...and then i was at the base of a waterfall...


there was a cluster of white flowers and a waterfall...they were my guides...i was in a pool of water...drowning...the waterfall rushed down and pushed all the water out...i became this mud woman...as i stood all of these small white flowers began to grow on me...


i struggled to climb to the shore...in each of the four directions a woman stood on different rocks...a gentle asian woman dressed in dancing ribbons, an african woman, a hippie type woman and a woman with a tough new york accent...i feel like i should know her but i dont...i feel like the other women at the shore i will meet soon...new york woman spoke to me firmly but with kindness...leading me up on the shore to a friend i know who does reiki...she was to act as the fire keeper...she took me to a gathering of other women...


one drumming and holding space...others standing around me as i stretched out in the grass near the fire...i was mud and white flowers...an owl guide was perched overhead watching over us...she was the sky direction...many women were there...women i knew or have known...some i have yet to know...and there was a woman bringing water from a spring in a beautiful urn...she poured water into others cups and bowls and gourds...and then they poured water over me...bathing me...the flowers departed and took root around me...they tenderly washed me...some humming and others saying kind words...then they
stood back...


my chest opened up and out came black snakes...many...dissolving as they touched the white flowers...the women chanted and sang....the drum grew louder...and then something else came from my chest...a beautiful snake like creature with a small dragon head and small dragon like wings...it moved quickly and it made a very interesting sound...very steady sound...and it vibrated ....my body is still vibrating from it...this creature was a rainbow of colors...shimmering and smooth...


and then a symbol reappeared as the rainbow serpent kept coiling and racing in and around me...this symbol hovered over the fire...this symbol that has been with me for weeks now...since i was shocked from the stove explosion...a friend told me this morning it is the tibetan fire serpent symbol...makes sense too...alot does all of a sudden...



even coming out of the session and financially broke i get online and see i sold two paintings...the exact amount i needed for bills...the timing and verything happening lately brought me to this wailing tears of relief moment...i havent cried like that in a long time...a profound grace came over me...i cant call it anything else...like i felt loved and taken care of in a way that was full of loving kindness...it was like this voice that was unspoken but felt...saying i was loved and i felt it...and it hasnt left...i feel like i am inside a prayer today...as if god is praying love into me...does this make sense?...it is a very tender feeling of grace i am in today...very simply relaxed and calm...steady...this is what surrender feels like...and i realize it doesnt happen all at once or one time...but is continuous...i cant even explain it any further...

i sense i have been sent reiki and good thoughts and love and prayers from many of you...and i am grateful...i leave tomorrow for maryland for a couple of weeks...i know i will still be letting this new shift unfold more...i feel as if i am being changed in a way...on a deeper level...i am simply being while this happens...i feel...well like the cells in my body are being rebooted...changed...cleansed...i feel...different..still going through it...parts unexpressed here...thoughts evolving as i accept love in...

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

allowing love in...

my life is a ritual...my heart is the drum...before i was born i agreed to be a warrior of love...as life added years i forgot who i was...i remember now...i blew up my old world of facades...letting love in is my liberation...my pride is falling...my heart is green...st. teresa waters my garden with her prayers...i am in the monostary of my mind...silent in this place...in this temple room...praying stillness...finding grace..allowing love in...i am climbing to my higher self...i am seeing the view...allowing love in...soul is the leader...fear takes flight...i am dancing in the cirlce...seeking the light...allowing love in...allowing love in...allowing love in...


in the name of the Spirit


there is the fog hovering along smooth edges
there is the water held in the belly bowl of earth
there is the silent glide of a seagull out in the distance
 i am profoundly humbled by what i behold

in this grey grip of morning i stand on the shore
in this moment before i step fully into battle
in a place of sacred rebirth called Soul
i hold tight to the hope of redemption

surrendering i wade into the ocean
my hands cup and pour water over my head
i baptize myself in the name of Spirit
and walk back to the shore for the challenges ahead 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

~★~

my eyes are stars
did you ever fall into them
your eyes are stars
i fell all the way



~★~

writing poetry this morning...words flowing...it is saving my life...no paints on canvas but i will paint with words...and find relief in the images lifting themselves up in my head...hummingbirds romancing spring flowers...trees coming back into the green...a slow cat crosses the road to visit a neighbor's trash can...a parade of grey clouds march across the sky...images from inside and outside my head rise up to inspire me...

and here i am in this fight to kick my addiction to fear (i fear receiving love)...withdrawal symptoms are intense this morning...but i decided to battle the BS in my head and all around me...i decided to be blunt with my words...fuck the fear...i decided to stop myself and recover from my addiction...i am in this battle to win...

let this day be your day to stand up and go into battle with what is holding you back from love...namaste...



 

Monday, March 26, 2012

lester and me...




every now and then i think of this movie...and relate...

there is a certain point in ones life when you just get so damn tired of the bullshit...you get tired of the vulgarity...the phony crap people try to feed you...the fakeness...the facades...the plasticness of it all...the thick oozing fear seeping out of so many people...

all those closed hearts and narrow little minds...all that new age maze of barriers others are building...all the religious dogma of hate...all the mind numbing ignorance...you look around you and you wonder why you are feeling crazy these days!!!?...then the light bulb flickers on...well of course you are depressed...you are in a world that is going super nova bonkers!...why wouldnt good people feel it more than the nut jobs...really...i am dead serious...why wouldnt you want to end it all or just pull the covers up and stay the F away from people...they are nuts!...and they are making others nuts...we are becoming infected...

of course i am feeling suicidal...i am feeling so ashamed of this world lately and sick of it...so ashamed of the whole silly mess...i am angry too...yep angry...angry that i was suppose to change to fit into this world...and punished because i couldnt...i even tried...but you know what?...i am going to give myself the best time of my life for whatever of it is left...and you know what else?...i love and desire and am passionate and so far outside that box of normal i dont see the box any more...and i am not afraid to love...or desire or need or want or seek out what pleasures me...so put that in your copy of the newest new age book, sit on it and chant away...you need to do all that prep work then great...do it..and let it work...me?...i need to get on with life...i need....oh i so dig that...two majickal words...I NEED...

i been praying and meditating and reading pema chodra, hanh, the bible, and on and on...tolle  today...all this be in the now stuff...ok i can dig it...compassion and being of service...yep i can do that...path of the bodhisattva...fine...mow that path and i will walk it...but you know what?...you dont need another book or chant or prayer or meditation...you dont need a pill or a bottle...you need revolution behind your eyes and a fire in your belly...you need to rip your heart open and go for it...and pardon my french...but...fuck the fear!!!...you need to get off your arse and live...yep i am taking my own advice...how much time are you wasting on all this self work?...how much have i wasted?...tons of hours....years...and what does it get you? you dont come unglued with your moron co-workers...you dont tell your neurotic tight arsed sister to go pogo stick herself...you stay at the same job you hate and live the same safe and boring life...no sex...no thrills...just year stacked on year of what others want and expect you to do...keeping them happy while you feel like a ghost of yourself...

what did it get me?...well i live a more conscious life...whoop dee do...i know i am an arsehole more consciously...i recognize anothers arseholeness...i know i am love...i know you are love and we and everything are one...i know god loves me...i know i create my reality...deep huh?...yeah ya know stuff and i know stuff...but how happy are we?...how free?...how untethered are you of your fears of intimacy?...how much do you trust yourself? others?...

i dont know about you but i am miserable...and it isnt because life is horrible...well i am broke and my classes are tanking but hey we all have something...i am miserable because i let it all get to me...i held myself back from being myself...afraid i would be a jerk like my dad was or a nut job like my mom...i didnt want to be the people who screwed me up in the first place...well i am not them...i am most certainly not and never will be them...i am fully me...

i mean come on...isnt it all so stupid...really...i mean you know what is stupid...you know the things you are doing are stupid...the stupid fears of loving someone...the stupid walls we build around ourselves...all the good stuff we deny ourselves...you know you are selfish...controlling?...a coward...you know what games you play and patterns you repeat...i know all my stuff...and ya know i am done...fried, died and laid to the side done! no more fakery...i am living a real life now....starting now...in that tolle now...p-p-p-pow...

we hide out too...in houses and jobs and under rocks...we mask ourselves...we narrow ourselves...we fear ourselves and the thirst we have to drink in our own happiness...well i got a big mug and i am drinking it in...

all those nut jobs...what can we do about them?...dont give them the power...and carry around some nut busting squirrels!...the world is full of stupid people...but then the cool sweet good people are stepping up...hang out with them...

for 49 years i was stupid...lol...just kidding...i was never stupid...just fearful...but now...!?!...when you have nothing to lose you have everything to gain...

thanks lester...you made more sense than a thousand books...

Sunday, March 25, 2012

another day

sunday....no sun today...no birdsong...where are the church bells?...grey veil of the apocalypse hangs silently...flowers are held in cold cupped fingers of air...do they wonder if they are blooming in heaven or hell...are they the angelic messengers sent to tell us there is hope built in to the design of our lives?...so we dont see the ugliness of man's world as long as they are around?...

my eyes are sore from crying...i lost my prayers last night...they fell away like those last bits of hope one has when you watch the end of a losing game...i let go...palms up and they fell away and hit the floor with heavy thuds...too weighed down with sorrow to rise up and reach the ears of god...

last night in a circle of women drumming and chanting and singing i was as silent as a cave...and in my silence i walked away into that cave...bear skulls and bones all around...light leaving...only the sounds of those women and those sounds were growing fainter...i walked deeper into that empty place...into silence...the last rattle of sound and the lone heartbeat of drumming there...

i am your darkness it said...i am the darkness and the womb of death...i am the hopeless place and yet where beginnings begin...sit here and let go of your body and you will find yourself...i am the last place you have...i am your destination...

and in the silence that crushed me i claimed my seat...i sat and waited for death to touch me...but the women drummed and the women sang and the rattles shook and reached into this place...there was no staying there...no release...i returned and sat in the circle with my sisters as they shared their stories...

i kept mine hidden in the broken place of my chest...the words in my throat nesting in thorns...i would not speak these words of pain...there were others suffering in this room and i could not add mine to the pile...they needed the light of the circle more...mine was too big...i couldnt show them what i had seen...what i knew was coming for me...i couldnt say goodbye...

when circle ended i stepped outside...went around a corner...put my hand on a tree and whispered to it...i let it know...i confessed...i returned to these beautiful sisters gathered together last evening...i looked at each one of them and have their smiling faces in my mind...i have gentle pairs of eyes gazing at me...beaming smiles...graceful swan dancing hands lifting glasses to lips...the cascade of grey hair down a back...the curve of a thigh...the dangle of a bit of jewelry...the grace of a woman in a flowered dress...bare feet and socked feet padding across the floor...the relaxed posture of a woman all in black...the scent of sage on all of them...they were breathtakingly beautiful creatures...each one a gift...and they all come with wounds and scars and yet fill a room with laughter...and love...even in my dark place i could see their light...and for a moment the pain in me eased away and i took a breath of them with me to breath...

i dont know what this day brings me...i hope for peace...i hope for a way out of my dark cave of thoughts and feelings...i have never felt like i belonged anywhere...i never felt at home any place...i want to feel like i have something to look forward to...a piece of land and a place to call home...but i am so weary from this long walk through life...i am so very tired...no amount of sleep can rest me...and i am trying to find my way to the land...i am trying to find my way home....to fit someplace other than a dark cave....i need a fire and a song and arms around me...but i am lost in the cave...and i miss the trees...and i miss the feeling of being close to others...and i put myself here!...i know that...but i know i am wounded and need to not be so brutal to myself...i need to tend to my self inflicted wounds and heal if i can...

the greyness is not shedding...the sun doesnt come through my window this morning...but i remember the sun and know it will return...perhaps this is how to treat what i am experiencing...i am sorrow-filled but have the memory of happiness and know it can return...

namaste...

Saturday, March 24, 2012

self work


work work and rework...til i am all worked out...every kink and wrinkle...every twist in the knotted tangled mangled mess of my brain...needs to be patched up with more than just a hope and a prayer ...tangents of escape from all the heavy thoughts ...tired of hanging out with all those tortured saints and maniac martyrs in my head...no hiding out from myself but sometimes i would like to...these arent the days to hide down the rabbit hole...but the same tune in my head keeps looping...gotta change my tune?...i would rather turn my brain off to tell you the truth...not think at all...not avalanche myself down the mountain again...work in progress needs to be done...time on the run...sick of the tedious work work work...no paintings flowing...no money coming...work work work...no one to hold at night...work work work...just hanging on tight...rope walker...dream talker...sick of the work...just wanna play...walk walk walk away...find a beach and sit and write a new song for my head...play and find a new way...a new day...but no rest for the wicked...work work work...til i am good enough?...for what?...how would it feel to be done with it all...be myself?...as i am...what would it feel like to transcend these BS days...just love and walk away...be free...live up in the trees...


   

Thursday, March 22, 2012

spring fever...sigh...


Fly Away~~by Indigo Girls 

Fly away little bird
Any place in this open mouthed world
Begs to be fed like a bed that beckons you, but you won't rest
Everyone's got a need to go
Most of us stick with our row to hoe
But not you, you're the black crow
With a straight line, and no time
For the birds of prey who wreck your nest
Twice your size steal your best
They set you on this course of your collision

I am a stop along your way
I am the words you'll never say
I crossed the great beyond of fear
I opened my eyes and saw us there, what a view
You went there too

Fly away little bird
Find the song in you that no one's heard
Strenghthen your wings as you sing your solo flight
Through this short life
Everyone's got a deep regret
We try to ground ourselves to forget
But your race to the end is neck and neck
You love them, you love them not
The birds of prey who wreck your nest,
Twice your size steal your best
They set you on this course of your collision

I am a stop along your way
I am the words you'll never say
I crossed the great beyond of fear
Opened my eyes and saw us there, what a view
And you went there too

But all along your chosen path are
Window panes and sheets of glass
That you won't see
You fly too fast
One day it will be over

Fly away little bird
The saddest song I ever heard
Was the one I wrote you in my heart
That never made it to the world
 
 

peace and calm

"The hunger for love is much more difficult
to remove than the hunger for bread."~-mother teresa



today i succeed...in being peaceful...keeping it simple...counting my blessings...doing...being...loving better...not hiding out..opening my heart...

lately i have been an especially unhappy person even as i do my best to be happy...i have had moments of incredibly selfish thoughts that spilled out into words and actions...today with all my heart i want to be generous in spirit...pure in my heart...let love and peace and happiness come from Soul...

i am so hard on myself...so today i am giving myself a day of simply enjoying life...

~*~

i did a journey  this morning and found myself back in the place of my dreams last night...i wanted to go to the cedar swamp in my dreams...but i found myself in a kayak floating in a channel of dark water...reeds high all around me...it was swampy but not the cape swamp...felt more like a bayou i was in once...in the dream i was afraid of what would leap out of the water...

in my journey i was there again...the water was dark and the air was pungent with swamp gas...i tried to make myself small and still as a slow current moved me along...i had no oars and no idea where i was going...i tried to relax but sensed danger...

a large long snake floated along the side of the kayak...my guide...its movement pushed the kayak along and took me to shore...it morphed into a white dog and walked along side of me then...deeper into a swampy place...guiding me into more and more swamp...i would fall in and panic...come out again...covered in the thick rich mud...smelling to high heavens...soon covered head to foot...weighed down...getting exhausted...

arriving at a bayou shack i fell at the feet of a woman who poured buckets of what i thought was warm water over me and cleaned me up...but when i looked up at her pouring a last bucket it had been light all along...liquid light... love light...silvery...full of peace and calm as well...

i was tired and fell asleep...and in the dream in my journey i was a silvery bird flying in the night sky...i felt free and untethered from my suffering...when i woke in the journey my head was in the womans lap and she was combing my hair with her fingers...i began to cry...

she hummed and let me wear myself out with crying...then i asked her...will i ever get any of this right? will i ever fit in and not be so messed up? will i find my way?

she came close...i looked in her eyes...in one was the image of a woman...a strong hand reaching out to me...in the other eye a dark rope of energy reaching out to me...

she told me i was coming to a crossroads...it was approaching fast...i would choose...darkness and bad karma...or light and love...she told me to allow love in...and then she smacked my cheek softly and said karma baby...it is all about the karma corn...we laughed...long and in the moment...then silence...soft silence...breathing and relaxing into the stillness...the sunlight blasting warm fingers of light onto my skin...peepers and bullfrogs harmonizing...a splash now and then...gator i suppose...

she held me and rocked me gently...i miss being held and let myself stay there for a long time...when i was coming out of the journey she handed me a stone...the same stone i have been carrying around for months...she smiled and dropped it into my hand...it was warm from the heat of her own hand...i would not feel alone through this day...

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

the urge...

i got a wicked urge to just get in the car and drive to the cape...go to the cedar swamp and sit in silence...listen to the peepers and if the wind is at it then to hear the trees creak like old bones...there is no time in the swamp though the light does climb in and out...time stays outside waiting to catch back up with you...even the birds hush themselves and sing softer tunes...

the swamp is a sacred place...it holds protective spirits and is the calm flow of a fertile mother...the waters hold secrets that whisper on the wings of dragonflies...the moss and lichen are the words spoken in a rich green language of touch...i fall to my knees there and know i am not only welcomed but i am home...

i need to be there...i need to get there somehow...even if it is only in my mind tonight...but i truly want to stand there soon...and simply breath and feel the cool calming touch of this most blessed place...  



so i will journey in my dreams ...it is a good night to fly and let myself take in the healing the pools of water offers to creatures who dare to wade in...

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

the elf king...


i got a message from an old friend in the middle of the night last night...i went to bed forgetting i had left the window open...as i settled in for a journey a gust of wind lifted my sheer and a veil of curtain draped across my face...i didnt move...i decided this would be part of the journey experience...and in that instant i heard a whisper of music through the curtain...it was the elf king softly singing...i let go...cried...let go more...and started the journey...

in the journey i went to a nature walk area that my friend the elf king and i use to walk...it was a beautiful place...an amazing variety of land...there was a swamp, a pond full of life and prairie!...and an oak...a beautiful old oak she called her church...and there was a nature center with interesting displays and critters in habitats...

she and i would walk the long walk and talk about nature and trees and soil and swamps and tell stories of when we were young riding our bikes like speed demons and playing with matches...we talked about going hungry and parents who fought...we talked about how wild we could be at times as children and yet had to parent a parent too...we talked as if we lived that childhood together...and once she even forgot and said "remember the time we..." and then caught herself and laughed...and we both laughed so hard we tumbled over...rolling on prairie grass in fits of laughter and feeling like those kids again...sitting up and taking a bit of grass to chew on as we walked on...looking at each other with that bit of grass sticking out and laughing again...we were alike...it is hard to describe but the closest words are "soul brothers"...we just fit in that way...and i loved my dear friend so much...miss her incredibly...so this journey was such a gift...

in the journey i was in the lower world at the pond...sitting on a bench...waiting for a guide...ready to spot a deer or turtle or some animal to guide me...when i looked up she was there...the elf king...

and i had this experience after my friend had passed...i had felt her presence in a journey before and once when i was standing at the sink doing dishes...i felt her other times but that was an undeniable, no doubt about it presence...well last night was this as well...she was there...and she was smiling and ready for a walk..."well come on!...lets go" she always said this...she did last night too...

i was so happy to see her...i ran up to her and threw my arms around her...it was her!...sweaty and a little shaky like the first time i met her...smelling like cigarettes and her perfume...it was the elf king and i was taking a walk with her...and i held her hand!...i didnt let go...i just held her hand...it was rough from work and strong...and i had a million questions...but she didnt....she knew everything i had gone through and done...she had been there all along she said....worrying about me but not...watching over me...knowing my struggles...my fatigue...my heartache...enjoying the times i could laugh and let love in...

oh god it was so good to see her and yet so painful...she knows whats going on with me and she said she was there to help...anything...she said ask anything and she would try to do it...i simply said take me with you...and she laughed and smiled and patted my cheek...no...so i asked her to walk with me and tell me stories...so we walked...and i knew every step of the way...we walked to the right and started the path that took us through the swampy area first...the thick dark soil and walkways...the turtles popped into the water as we startled them from their logs...the peepers chanted...a heron in a dark pool hunted for a meal...

the trail opened up as we walked through a long arch of scrubby brush...and then the prairie...we told each other things..about our childhood and about love and the wounds of life...she talked about the surgery and the icu...the death...that i wasnt there that day but that i had been every day for months...and did countless things for her...humor helped...and the popsicle feasts and the movies and dancing to happy feet and so much more...i had forgotten some of it...this was nice to remember...and she thanked me...and yet i could still not forgive myself...for not being there at the end...for the wrong choices...

she put her hand on my forehead and showed me what it would have been like if i had been there...the shock of it...how i got up from her side and walked into another room and mechanically and without feeling slit my own throat...it was startling yet it was the truth...i had said i thought i would have walked out in traffic after if i had gone through it...she softly chucked and said "col, even when you are in pain you try to not hurt anyone...so nope you wouldnt have caused an accident...in the end you would have chosen a way that did less harm"....she took my hand again and walked...we came to the tall reeds i liked and some more water...the peepers were back at it...a hawk was riding the air currents above...red winged black birds all around...one landed on a reed and was bending it low to the ground...

the elf king put her arm around my shoulder...like my brother brian use to do when he had something important to say...she came close to my ear...she hugged me close with that powerful arm and held my hand tightly with hers...she spoke words which i carry with me through this first day of spring and by god almighty has lifted me up to a different place inside me and forever changed my life...i cant share them here...they are so personal and went right to the core of my being...she knew my struggles when she was alive...and loved me greatly...and now in this other life she has she felt my torment and has given me a gift of her insights and wisdom...she set me free...i am without any more words...but i am so deeply grateful...i walked a path in nature with her...i walked a path of cancer with her...i walked a path of spirit with her...and i will never in this life walk my path alone...i am loved and everything is ok...

we ended our walk at her "church"...hands on the great oak...looking up into the sky...she whispered i love you in my ear and was gone...

people if you only knew!...if you just knew what a gift this was for me!...i feel forgiven...you see i was with her for months...going to treatments and just all of it...the operation and the icu...the weeks in icu...every day....and then three days before she passed i left to go teach a class states away...it had been scheduled months before...i did it knowing i shouldnt...and then i got word that a last ditch surgery was happening...and then she was gone...and i have done huge guilt about all of it...all this self sabotage throughout this life of mine and pushing myself and just being lost most days...just feeling like i chose the wrong thing to do again in life like i so often do...not trusting myself and my decisions...feeling like i have to please others and yet it never works out right...oh i dont want to explain more here...i just feel forgiven and i know i can change how i do my life and do it without trying to please others to keep them in my life...they will either be there and care or not...and those who stay in my life and love me just as i am then they are my angels and i will be theirs as best as i know how...

in my heart today i am at the oak...the church...praying...sending love...letting love in...i am love...you are love...we are all one...blessings of peace and beauty on this first day of spring...namaste...  









Monday, March 19, 2012

re-birth



spring begins in the northern hemisphere on march 20, 2012, at 1:14 a.m. (EDT)...that is what the farmer's almanac said anyway... the green is coming...closer and closer...i can hear the elf king say "well, come on...let's go"...and i want to...i want to climb to the top of a tree and never come down...

i went through this 21 days of self examination and reflection...often alone for days...letting time sift through me as i deconstructed my past behaviors and came face to face with so many demons...my wrong actions, my fears, the places in myself i have hidden out...the constant security blanket of suicide...i have prayed more than usual and meditated longer...i have fasted...i have used up alot of tissue...i have fought the urge to bring people into my struggles though sometimes it spilled out...i have battled hard and surrendered to it all sometimes...i have been swallowed in the stormy waves and ridden calm seas...i have listened and i have turned away from the truth...i have begged god to help me ease my burden and then not accepted the wisdom that came...

today i am coming at it all from point zero...i am beneath the cool surface splitting my skin and coming up...tomorrow is the first day of spring...my re-birth-day...in a way i have lived in a womb for weeks...only going out when i had to...letting people in only rarely...i needed this...a removal of myself from a world i often dont understand...a removal from others emotions and ways i find unsettling...i often hid out around them...though i recently let others get close again and it wasnt as hard as it has been...the vulnerability is there and the fear comes up...but i pushed through it and just kept telling myself i am good enough...struggling with the self esteem issues...but i wont give in and give up...not yet...not until i give it my best...i am hopeful...i feel as if i am breaking through...coming out...into the light of my own being...

i know things about myself now...and accept things about myself...why i chose to fall in love with those i have fallen in love with...faced their rejection...why i walked away from others...why i feared love and yet wanted to be loved...i figured this big thing out...i chose those who wouldnt love me back because i didnt think i deserved to be loved...so i always chose someone who would reject me...to be unloved felt normal and safe...to be rejected made it easier in an odd way...but it is different now...now i wont settle for less than i deserve...i want to be treated with respect and i want someone who will be proud to be with me...

i want my dreams to come true...i want to be supported in my dreams...i dont want to settle for a piggy back onto someone else's dreams...

i accept my moment in life...where i am at...and even if it is a not easy moment i love my strength and the compassion i offer myself...if at all possible i will have the dreams i dream come into reality....

i am a hard worker and know i have the intelligence, the inventiveness and the courage to create any reality i want...

and darn it i know i am a pretty good catch as selkies go...i would make someone a fine changeling wife:)...i am a good storyteller, i love to cook, i am a wild child in the woods, i love animals, i love women, i love adventures, i love...

i also know from these 21 days that i have drawn bad behavior towards me...but...those who treated me poorly certainly didnt have to treat me this way...and i never have to put up with it again...because...drum roll...i dont deserve it and never did...

i am coming to terms with my self image and my body...for many years i didnt feel beautiful...and i realize i wasnt ugly...now i am beginning to reclaim my body image and see myself as well ok looking...lol...what can i say...i dont see myself as handsome yet...maybe i will get there once i feel more in shape...

21 days and i still have work to do but i also have less work than i did...and more compassion towards myself...and i do know there are others who care about me and this helps...

for an hour yesterday i sat and thought about suicide again...remembering that first time and this most recent one...it holds very little power over me now...i know it would hurt others if i did...and i dont want to...i truly think there is someone out there who will love me as i am and pour love over me without holding it back...i believe i can trust and stay open to them and to life...i hope that i can get folks to take my classes and to support my dreams as i support theirs...i hope to be respected more than disrespected...i hope for peace to stay and for frustrations to fade...i hope to see my way clearer with each day...i know i have alot to give and i know if i just get through these difficult days of adjusting to this different life than what i thought i would have as i approach my 50's i will be ok...

i hope others can keep me in their prayers and good thoughts...i kinda sorta need it...even though i am doing ok...

i feel like going quiet...putting my words on paper...i feel fiction coming up in me...a book i want to have finished sooner rather than later...still cant find a job and yet i have to just keep at it...teaching will somehow work out...things will get better...i have faith...

i have songs in my pocket and a drumbeat in my hand...love in my heart...and a smile to share...

namaste

flowers...

DAY 21!


"i set fire to the rain..."

it is about burning it all away...even the most difficult things...and starting from under the ground...burying my seed of a new beginning...taking in the nutrients...feeling the heat of the sun...the soft rain...it is about green reaching up...dead wood burned away...gone...now a new creation rises...through the ashes...

each day i own...each day i command...each day i am free of patterns...each day i explore another inch of life...reaching...finding...climbing over walls...vining upwards...blooming endless blooms of jasmine...bringing the bees to drunken happiness...the hummingbirds saturated with my nectar...i was settling in to believing i was just a weed...but i burned all of those thoughts out of my head this morning...none of us tender-hearted, loving beings are weeds...that is the BS weeds tell us...

you greedy, self serving, closed-hearted, stuck in stupid gear, ego maniacs out there?...guess what?....yeah...you know i know...you are the weeds...and there is no room for weeds in my garden or anyones garden...whether you are a well known weed like rush limbaugh or a wannabeknown...you are still just a weed...you made yourself one...and then wanted the rest of us to say and pretend you were roses and lilacs and even the purest white lotus...but nope...you are a weed and i am jasmine and the poor woman waiting for the bus is a tiger lily and the young man cleaning the toilet at the office is a bird of paradise and the old woman buying the marked down groceries is lavender...you are a flowerless weed and they are the beautiful flowers that are in my days...i am so blessed to be so inspired by them...and inspired by my own flowering self...stay a weed or join us...

so day 21 is about finishing my weeding...planting more good seeds...loving...letting the hours sift sunlight through me...growing...

i am embracing all of you beautiful flower children and whispering to you in our language...the language of flowers...i whisper: i love you...you are beautiful...dont listen to the weeds...hold your head up...we flowers will get through these times...we will outlast the weeds...we create the garden...we are the flowers of paradise...



Image Detail

Sunday, March 18, 2012

a song in my pocket...


when i was a little girl i would walk around in my bibbed overhauls...my hands buried deep in the pockets...my uncle would always ask me "girl whatcha got in your pockets?"...i would always say "i got songs in my pockets" and i would pull out a notebook of my words...i remember writing lines about a grasshopper named george and a love song to a tree...i remember those little dime store notebooks with the cheap spiraling wire that would catch on my fabric and make my sweaty hands smell metallic...as i got older i was less likely to share my words and my songs...now i rarely sing...sometimes a few lines or i will hum...when i am alone i sing my prayers sometimes...but music is the thing that gets me through the days so often...i love to not only listen to it but watch others play music...their hands on strings conjuring sounds...their mouths opening to release such a dazzling dance of words...notes filling my heart...my eyes often filling with tears as the person reaches out their soul in the lines of a song and touches my soul...this song reached in...i know this song...i live it...

tonight is not easy...but music sees me through...i drummed earlier with others and that music helped...it will all be as it needs to be...it is just hard to get through this last bit...i love myself through it...and let songs lift me up as well...

tomorrow is the 21st day of self work...i will conquer this newest pattern i have noticed that really is the same old same old...tonight though i have to force myself to lay down and sleep...i need to let my mind rest...blessings of peace and calm to us all...

DAY 20

well my day is hitting a big big freakin pothole...i had no idea i was slipping into an old pattern of helping others be successful until today...and of sabatoging my path or killing off more of my dreams...wow...i am shaking i am so upset with myself...so disappointed in just how things are becoming like always...and i am doing it...i am and no one else...i am going right into help mode again while putting my dreams aside or putting other folks dreams first...i always put myself last on the list...and it hit me again...that feeling...that overwhelming sense of deja vu...i am so tired of deja vu...i am so incredibly tired of it all...

i had that horrible dark hour of feeling suicidal again today...that horrible feeling like no matter how hard i work or how much i try i will never achieve so what is the point...and i know the fatigue is hitting me again and i got discouraged but will i ever stop feeling that worthless, pointless feeling?! i guess i am coming up against the big stinky again...the part of me that says colleen you arent worth it so why would anyone care what you want or need...oh the surround sound stereo thinking of it all...it is me sabotaging my happiness again...it is me saying give up your dreams and your plans colleen...you cant achieve them without support and no one supports you so give up...

ya know i am so tired of this looping endless crap machine called my head...i mean really...i feel stupid, i am stupid...i feel ugly, i am ugly...i feel like i will always be this or that....this brain has a mind of its own!...so i am not listening...or caring...

i think i am going to outsmart my brain...i think i will just let it think whatever its gonna think and i will know what i know...

i think the way to beat this stupid brain and to survive to tell the tale is to give up...give up dreams...to give up things i want period...to want nothing...to be attached is to be imprisoned...to let go is to be embraced by nothingness...to die to ones self is to create the space to be reborn to a new self...to rest i rest in my buddha nature...i walk with christ the compassionate one...i am in nature standing as the tree...dissolving like rain on a sun warmed stone...infinite nothingness...the bliss of nothingness...

i am alive...all the way alive...in the moment...setting myself free of suffering...nothing matters...i only have right now...and now never disappoints me...i am at peace...i realize my dreams and create my reality...one less pattern to be a slave to...i am love...as long as i can remember this then i can endure my stupid brain...

oh my gosh!

it is  good to examine the crazy quilt patterns of our own dysfunctions and missteps but to also let yourself see the amazing weave of messages and signs...little thumb ups from angels/guides...i did...just now...so here it is...my cool sign...

i have been working on my heart shocker/chakra:) and my sacral for awhile now...tons of good and cool work...so first let me say sacral is associated with the color orange and from my understanding is about joy, enthusiasm and creativity...sexuality as well and is the seat of emotions...the heart chakra is green and is related to balance (hello i am a libra!) and our ability to love others and ourselves...harmony...healing...

so here is the cool parts...without conscious thought put to it i chose tangerine for my living/sleeping area (i have a long room that is a living/sleeping/kitchen area by the way....i use my bedroom for a studio) and green goddess green for my kitchen!...hello!!!...sacral and heart chakra colors...

then yesterday a friend noticed me eyeing two cards at the event...one of a woman with a heart chakra theme and another with a sacral theme! just bought them for me and suprised me with them later...

then....yesterday i was receiving a drum healing at this event...as the drums vibrated in my lower abdomen area, the beautiful gongs in the next booth over sent vibrations into my eyes and throat...african drums were being played on the the main stage and filled me in a general way...then all at once all that sound energy went into my heart chakra....so freakin awesome!...no other way to describe it...

and yesterday was a day of laughter...it was preparing me for that moment of drumming and also to teach me to lighten up all the way...and soooo...

this was a message, a thumbs up...a beautiful gift from the unseen that all the work i am doing is good and is unfolding as a tremendous healing and awakening...gosh there is a sublime word...awakening...

this is my day...a very sublime day of awakening and knowing success...happy day everyone...if you dont know it already i love you...pour a bucket of love over your head and enjoy this day...let what feels like a worry or huge pressure in your life be transformed into a gift/a blessing...have faith my dearhearts...everything works out for the greater good of your life if you let it...peace, love and light!...namaste...



english/gaelic street sign...at any time...you can see your happier path...

Saturday, March 17, 2012

19

2 more days left in my 21 day self work blitz...each day being conscious and holding close the lessons...ones learned and re-learned...letting my heart open more and more...letting love find me from within and without...allowing each feeling to come...happy or sad...each a teacher...each day a classroom as well...i have had very tough days and very lovely ones...some days i hit all the emotions...as patterns came i looked at them and looked at them as objectively as i could...

so at the close of my 19th day i feel a deep love for all and for myself...i am tired but a good tired...i lived a very good day today...familiar faces smiling at me at the event today...how sweet to see their beautiful spirited selves...ones i dont know well enough but each time i see i feel happiness in their presence...

i just relaxed today...i cant describe it other than relaxed...i really did just let myself be myself today...trusting and staying open...how wonderful it is to just be...i really felt like myself...it is exciting really...if i am blessed with another full day tomorrow i must say i look forward to it...leading a drum meditation, making a dish for a potluck in the evening and before the potluck a drum circle to welcome spring...i am keeping my spirits up...i have the deep faith all is well and as it should be...

i laughed like buddha today..

you ever laugh so hard and with such joy you feel like you are simply free...all the way free of sorrow and burdens and exactly in the now?...well i did this today...it is a long story...a 4 hour story of being lost and in the most silly wonderful way and yet i will not tell you the story other than to say the directions were for lincoln mass. and not lincoln ri...and the wild goose chase to find this mythical palace called twin rivers (gambling casino/holistic event)...but being lost and seeing the adventure of it was priceless...i had great company and a wonderful conversation...found a rest area in the nick of time...and eventually found the place that was originally about 20 minutes away!...seriously...and i still chuckle over being so lost...see it is all in the attitude and seeing the gift in "taking a wrong turn at albuquerque" as bugs bunny would say...you can simply ride it out or you can fume and fuss...i rode it out happily...or since i was driving i just kept driving until it all was figured out...i have to say i loved it...and really if you get down to it we werent lost...we knew at every mile where we were...we just didnt know how to get to where we were going...if that makes sense...it does to me...and so i begin giggling again...laughing like buddha...freely and with great joy...what a great day...

happy thoughts....

“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.” ~ Og Mandino
 
on one level very tired but on another level leaping like a puppy trying to touch its nose to a butterfly fluttering by...the peepers have begun to warm up their songs...the birds are busting loose too...daffy dills are joining in...a chorus of crocus are rocking purple and neon yellow...a mourning dove is just now starting to sing her morning prayers to me...
 
i am all the way awake in my spirit and feeling so much love for everyone and everything...the tender green shoots of my own heart's garden is in bloom...will be nice when it is all in full bloom and i get to enjoy this in myself...i have worked hard to turn the soil and plant the seeds...i still work hard...but it is work that is also a joy and a pleasure...even when i have had to deal with difficult moments...it only is a passing storm...the rain and lightning helps the garden grow...
 
today i am a happy gardener and a happy garden...i welcome all flutterbys and bouncy bees...lady bugs are especially adored and so precious are the hummingbirds...happy day all...hug hug hug and big love....
 
 

DAY 19

after midnight...winding down...went to a intimate concert...lovely music and a sweet place to enjoy it in...a string of lights all around the border of the room sent me off in my head to another place i like to go to...a place in my own heart...a tree house and a nest and strings of starlight...so it made me happy...

i struggled with parts of it...feeling alittle out of place...but the music carried me along...i deeply love music...how it reaches in and comforts me when i feel out of sorts...and so it was tonight...

what tender moments i experienced there as well...such grace in the room...of people loving one another and enjoying each others company...a hand held...laughter erupting...the support of audience members getting up to sing...poetry read...the honoring of the space making it beyond the year marker...the strength of the woman who has kept it going...the configuration of myself and another person joining in to be a part of it...how life unfolds and becomes and grows things along our path...this place came into my life to help strengthen me...to help me recovery parts of myself i thought were gone...i felt myself pushing out of my comfort zone tonight...i felt my own bravery...and i also felt blessed and very tender with myself for enduring and staying open to what comes my way these days...i am so touched by the kindness i am showing myself...no longer beating myself up...just loving myself through these transitioning times...

so tonight i climb into dreams and let them take me into the starlight...white owl wings swoop over me and take me up and over to my nest in the tree house of my dreams...i am happy...i am blessed and i am so very grateful for my life...

day 19 is about staying open and tender towards myself....

Friday, March 16, 2012

DAY 18

i am not going to have a focus for today but simply let signs and messages and conscious awareness come to me...i have awakened each morning for the last 3 days thinking about gampo abbey in cape breton and how much i have always wanted to go there...cape breton is an island above nova scotia...it is rugged and beautiful and a place you can just breath and relax like no other...the quiet there is so wonderful and the ocean is so...full...whales and fish and seals...the sky lifts up over the water and land in a long stretch and the stars are so bright at night it makes you dizzy to see them...they literally dance as you watch their intense twinkling...

this time of year my wander/wonder lust kicks in and it is usually saying go to maine...go to nova scotia...walking in the woods in maine is like walking through the gates of heaven for me...the stillness and the heavy moss...the pines...coming out to the ocean along a cliff...the fog rolling in....the lap of the waves against rocks...the lone eagle gliding through the currents of air...a bouy dinging...the touch of cold air against my skin...i am all the way alive in that place...

yep today i have got it bad...but i go through my days with less time to be in nature and am feeling it...even a small walk through the woods a couple of days ago got my itch itching more to hit the road and climb into a woods...i heard the peepers for the first time this year then...it was thrilling!...even
cape cod and the cedar swamp is whispering my name today...

the first day of spring is next week...i have a whole day to take off and so i am going into the woods that day and give myself a big dose of tree hugging and drumming...a time to breath...a time to be peaceful and slow...i cant wait...i need to go out and hug a tree NOW...lol...

i was talking with a friend yesterday about my apartment...how it feels simply like a place i am...a place to put stuff...nice but artificial...i know i need to bring more nature in...it came to me land and nature are my true home...i feel the most like myself...i feel more open...less guarded...safe...yes even with wild animals...i fit there...and i am young!...i feel young and full of wonder...each step brings something exciting to see...the silence calms me...the sounds of nature make me curious...i simply love it...with all my being...and walking in the woods with a friend adds to the wonder...the conversations weaving through the air...human beings becoming their true selves beneath the canopy of trees...there is no way you can not open your heart surrounded by such energy...it heals...it helps you connect...it is a place you find peace and happiness...you ask me what helps heal...i say a walk in the woods...

so today already i feel a strong flow of peace and love...i feel happy...i hope for you happiness and peace...and so much love...big hug to all...and big love!

cedar swamp at the cape

Thursday, March 15, 2012

mid day...

ok good intentions about love but then i started thinking too much and there was self sabotage...lesson number 9 trillion and 2: love is not about myself but about love...generosity without attachment to outcome...i know this of course but i forgot to write it down and reference it often today...lol...

i just feel so much sometimes and then trip on a feeling...boom...skinned knees and bruised ego...and i think a bump on my head...so love and love in the simple ways...feel but not to the point of exploding...and for gosh sakes colleen will you remember to wear some protective gear...it is a rough and tumble world out there!

DAY 17

day 17 is all about doing!...love is an action word i tell myself...put love into action...as i cook a meal love is the main ingredient...as people come in and out of my life today be friendly and kind...no growling at traffic or the price of gas when i stop to fill up...no grumblings except maybe the grumbling in my tummy...it is all about the living of a loving and kind day...


happy day of loving actions

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

WICKED GOOD DAY 16

spring fever...sigh...makes me happy...and spring cleaning...unpacking more of my stuff into my apartment...and some big advances in my self work...coming more fully onto my path...exciting stuff...

also came to understand angry men more...they really are a messy bunch...tea party men and politicians and preachers and corporate guys...business men and angry fathers...they all seem so angry and unhappy and ready to lash out and get their jollies from it at the same time...old and young alike...and they hate women and Obama and gays and foreigners and anyone else that isnt like them...they are foaming at the mouth or imploding til they explode...picking up guns and going on shooting sprees like they are simply taking a walk around the park on a sunny day...they are having melt downs and tantrums....they are calling women names...like...tantruming little boys...and they are really...they are reaching back to their childhood when they stopped being a center of their universe and had to face a world that saw them as just another being on the planet...but many of them wanted to still feel like they were in the center and so they are always wearing a mask that says they are gods and yet they know they arent...they are simply afraid and feel as if they are losing their facade...and they have...they can not rule over or push around or intimidate good and peaceful men, women and children any more...there are too many of us...it is too exhausting for them...

i get them now...these angry men...they arent angry at all...simply afraid...that something is being taken away from them...something they never had in the first place...power and control...they have no power except the destructive use of a gun or a hateful action or angry words...they are like women...vulnerable to: disease, random violence, money pressures, natural disasters and their own ego's destructive behaviors...they are like women and so they hate us and try to cover it up with bravado and name calling...they hate gays because they are like us...they hate foreigners because they are like them...they hate people of color...they hate poor people...they hate so many people...because they cant stand the thoughts they have behind their own masks of ego...they are like everyone else...ordinary...not the center of the universe...not better or worse than the next person...

i finally understand them and now it makes so much sense why even my own father hated and used women to boost his ego...wow...cool thing to learn....

and so today is about spring cleaning AND cleaning out the stuff in myself more as well...the seeds are in my hand and i am planting them baby!...the seeds of my own happiness...and if you want i will throw some over at you too...and you can throw yours my way...spreading happiness we are! covering the planet...throwing some at all the angry people out there...let love and peace grow like wildflowers in them!...

where can you get some seeds?...Love is always sending out seeds...scoop some up and have at it!...happy day all you beautiful gardeners...this spring season is gonna rock!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

DAY 16~midnight

no sleep...so much going through my mind...and my heart...

i need sleep but feel as if i could stay up all night...

i dont feel lost...just misplaced...

there is a soft hum of love...a gentle tune...
pressed against my heart...
though i dont know who is humming it softly to me...
she is just out of my knowing...but i feel comforted by it...

comforted by hands i once knew...strong good hands...
i miss them...i miss so much i keep on my mind tonight...
i will not touch on those memories for too long...
it would make me sad...
instead i hold a smile in my mind and some gentle words...
and let my wings spread as i find a way to my dreams...

may we all find peace tonight...may we all rest well
and may my 16th day be
filled with kindness and compassion
towards myself and everyone...

i am love

this dreamer...

^
~*~
as the dreamer dreams...
weaving starlight and lake shimmer into her great wings...
she flys to the place beyond places with the secret handshake name...

it is the homeland she has always wished for...
but never thought she would find...

and there she stays...
for as long as it takes...
waiting...for you see...
love has no expiration date...


 


DAY 15

today my heart is still under construction...as always...but in a new and happy way...i have finally lightened up...i have been so tough on myself...silly silly me...and always worried about screwing up or doing harm....wow how nutty has that thinking been...big ego...lol...i have such power to do so much harm to others?...lighten up i tell myself...its a cruise...dont overthink...just trust my Soul and Love and do what feels right...and just be happy...what a concept...just be..and in the being allow happiness...

so today i am going through my to do list and getting a bunch of stuff done...at the same time being happy...commercial breaks to just enjoy the flowers or stand in the rain...i have been looking up into the trees and clouds lately...i take moments throughout my day to simply acknowledge the beauty we are surrounded by...yes there is ugliness in the manmade world but the beauty of nature shines through and by golly i am going to bring the beauty into me...

day 15 is a simple day of doing and loving and being in my happy place:)

Monday, March 12, 2012

heart chakra

for over an hour i have meditated on my heart chakra...first with my hands in continuous folding in/out movement to my heart as i chant i am love...then my hands moved outward in movement on their own as if clearing away space in front of me...finally i was chanting i am love and untwisting my body in a spiral movement...it was taking me deeper into myself yet expanding myself as well...i felt myself going into a journey as i finally sat and chanted i am love...

then a journey came...i went to all the people who have been unkind or treated me with disrespect and i did soul part exchange...

the heart chakra is vibrating right now...my heart has been fluttering for weeks...now it feels like a vibration...i am feeling things shift in me...i feel this feeling of surrender occurring...it is unsettling and yet what needs to happen...i am not fighting it...this is a very emotional time...i am moving through to a place of acceptance...closer and closer...and i am haunted suddenly...by the voice of the elf king (as i called her)...karen...i hear her as she was in her hospital bed at the end of her life...i can see her and hear her...she looked over and said she could see green...i simply responded yes and isnt it beautiful...yes she struggled to say...

karen i see green...i have for weeks...all around me...and i keep thinking it is you trying to help me feel love...and it is so hard...to allow myself...to stay open...to accept i could finally deserve and have peace...i failed you karen...i left and you died and i failed...and so many times in my life i have made wrong choices or took wrong actions...i didnt do what i felt i should do...i just did what would please someone...what would get me love and yet at the same time sabotage love...

i want to let the love in and out without distortion or harm...i want to be my real self...i dont want to hide out....i want to heal...i am tired...of the struggle...and so the struggle ends...i forgive myself karen...and i am so sorry karen...to you and to all those i impacted by my wrong actions...even when i intended no harm...i am so sorry...and i am sorry towards myself...i am sorry it took me 49 years of living and nearly all of those years to open my own heart and feel my own human and soul presence honestly...to accept i am love...to accept i am not "damaged goods"...to accept my own personhood and how i want to be...loving...kind...acting upon my own life as i see fit...without pressure from others...open hearted...completely my self....i think i can do this!...i feel it...i am love...


i am love

Image Detail

~*~

DAY 14

love is god...god is love...

love is the endless seeds of kindness and compassion we spread...

love removes suffering...

love is the answer to everything...

if i can embrace one thing...one precious knowing...it is to embrace i am love...and everyone is love...we are all love...

i am love...to accept this simple but profound truth is to accept myself fully...as i am...this very moment...yet i fight it...why?

because i have to let go of who i thought i was for so long?...the me i never was...for more than 45 years believing i was unloveable...to stop seeing myself as the person i never was...i put myself through so much to reinforce a lie i was told by adults who themselves thought they were unloveable...all the self sabotage and self punishment...all the suffering because i didnt believe i deserved all the things i wanted...all the relationships with others who helped reinforce the lie i told myself...in fact i made sure i repelled the very things i did want and push away the very partners who would have created such beauty in my life...

i was building a false temple to myself...worshipping my false self as a broken hearted, abused, unloved, rejected failure...what a self absorbed, ego saturated creation i crafted and called my life...

what happens when i stop seeing myself as this false self?...who am i?....what am i left with if all that goes away?...i tear down walls and rebuild them...i heal a hurt and yet more hurt comes...i say i am done with ego but ego returns...i watch my actions and try to do right and yet without intending to i do wrong...

ok this is me putting off the root thought again...if i keep asking questions i will never have to embrace the answer...if i keep deflecting with more thoughts and more rational word plays i will not have to accept...and deeper yet into the root...if i accept i am loveable then the fear comes...if i stop thinking of myself as unloveable how will i handle being loved?...being loved feels abnormal to me...it feels painful...frightening...how crazy is that?....as long as i stay my false self i can stay safe...i can stay as broken as i want....always working on myself yet never risking at all...never opening up...always drawing to me those who will not fully love me or accept me because i can not fully love and accept myself...

wow...

to surrender and give up the false me is difficult...to accept truth and the unkown of what will come is the MOST difficult...i always know what happens when i live out this false belief...i get rejected and hurt by others...oh wow! that is it...i have control and i dont want to give it up...i know what happens when i live as this broken hearted self...i get to control my unhappy life...i get full control i think...even when things supposedly happen that are out of my control...i still get to feel safe in my false self i have created...i get to feel safe and in control!....this makes sense...this makes so much sense...no one will ever hurt me because i get to hurt myself with all these things i have brought into my life to hurt myself with...wow...

i didnt have choices or control as a child...i was abused and hurt and unloved...and so as a teenager and adult i could do "pain management"...i could inflict just enough pain in my life to keep me oddly safe and yet seperate from so much happiness...happiness i told myself i wasnt worthy of...happiness my parents told me i didnt deserve...i had friends and lovers who reinforced this falsehood...

what an important understanding...is it something i knew before and forgot or wouldnt face?...i face it now...to accept that i am loveable i need to let go of control over my false self...more to consider as i go through this day...no...to surrender control and accept...i thought yesterday was a tough day...lol...well today will be one i have not wanted to face but will...wo...how scared i am and yet rejoicing...it really is so humbling and so overwhelming...this day...this blessing of understanding...and this feeling of love wrapping around me and holding me...i do feel loved...i really do...and it is so scary...but so important...

namaste...
   

Sunday, March 11, 2012

MID-DAY 13

some alone and sitting time to think about the junk in my head clunking around...it is the ego...someone yesterday who i respect very much mentioned my ego and it has been part of what i have worked on to remove how much control it has on me and the harm it has created...her timing was perfect even if it hurt to hear it...

i do at times come off as a know it all...i try not to because it is just my opinion...and yet i am so forceful and so passionate it sounds arrogant...it is a great part of my suffering lately...

i asked someone today what she thought of my ego...she said i come off as a know it all in essence...she said she knows i dont think of myself this way but it is in how i speak about things...how i word things...

so more thoughts...around ego, self acceptance, self sabatoge and the path of the bodhisattva...

today is a tough one...to look at those most painful and vulnerable places of wrong actions and admit them to yourself...to claim  them fully and humble yourself...it can be difficult but worth it...so more of my day to examine this inner place of suffering and to transcend it...i feel as if i am climbing a mountain within me to gain more perspective of all i am working on for my personal healing journey...

a mountain path i climbed in the connemara region of ireland