heart chakra

for over an hour i have meditated on my heart chakra...first with my hands in continuous folding in/out movement to my heart as i chant i am love...then my hands moved outward in movement on their own as if clearing away space in front of me...finally i was chanting i am love and untwisting my body in a spiral movement...it was taking me deeper into myself yet expanding myself as well...i felt myself going into a journey as i finally sat and chanted i am love...

then a journey came...i went to all the people who have been unkind or treated me with disrespect and i did soul part exchange...

the heart chakra is vibrating right now...my heart has been fluttering for weeks...now it feels like a vibration...i am feeling things shift in me...i feel this feeling of surrender occurring...it is unsettling and yet what needs to happen...i am not fighting it...this is a very emotional time...i am moving through to a place of acceptance...closer and closer...and i am haunted suddenly...by the voice of the elf king (as i called her)...karen...i hear her as she was in her hospital bed at the end of her life...i can see her and hear her...she looked over and said she could see green...i simply responded yes and isnt it beautiful...yes she struggled to say...

karen i see green...i have for weeks...all around me...and i keep thinking it is you trying to help me feel love...and it is so hard...to allow myself...to stay open...to accept i could finally deserve and have peace...i failed you karen...i left and you died and i failed...and so many times in my life i have made wrong choices or took wrong actions...i didnt do what i felt i should do...i just did what would please someone...what would get me love and yet at the same time sabotage love...

i want to let the love in and out without distortion or harm...i want to be my real self...i dont want to hide out....i want to heal...i am tired...of the struggle...and so the struggle ends...i forgive myself karen...and i am so sorry karen...to you and to all those i impacted by my wrong actions...even when i intended no harm...i am so sorry...and i am sorry towards myself...i am sorry it took me 49 years of living and nearly all of those years to open my own heart and feel my own human and soul presence honestly...to accept i am love...to accept i am not "damaged goods"...to accept my own personhood and how i want to be...loving...kind...acting upon my own life as i see fit...without pressure from others...open hearted...completely my self....i think i can do this!...i feel it...i am love...

i am love

~*~