DAY 12

day 12 is all about the mysterious number 3...lol...3 has always fascinated me...and with 12 being 1 and 2 adding up to 3 and 3 times itself is the number 9 i love too...then there is the great cosmic pondering of how a 3 legged table can possibly stand...or why 3 wishes are always granted...OR...trouble comes in 3's...ok i need to get serious...

3 came up in this weeks journeying and touch drawings which said there are 3 things to look at and there are 3 signs/messages coming to me...

the 3 things to look at: trust, self love and how others treat me was what i took a big look at yesterday and they are themes i have been thinking about and working on for some time now...the words trust and no trust keep turning in my head alot and has for months...

then this morning in my journey i went to the middle world and saw words spray painted on a brick wall...only they were in reverse...so i stepped through the wall and looked at it from the other side...YOU DONT TRUST LOVE? OR YOU DONT TRUST YOURSELF TO BE LOVEABLE?

oh wow...yeah...hello! i have been saying i have trust issues but not really exploring what exactly i dont trust...i swear the ego and the brain are these thinking robots i have just followed along with for so long...now that i let spirit flow and my soul lead i get to the core of things so much quicker...and in such a way i stay connected with it and work on it...

you know how you have the light bulb moment but it fades and you go back to not knowing again?...well with soul it stays there and works with you to fix something...like trust...learning to trust...learning to open my heart and simply be myself and not be all invested in being accepted by others...but simply knowing i am acceptable...wow wee  people isnt that a revolutionary leap forward!

trust really has so little to do with love and loving others or that one special person...trust is just the first word to reach for...when it is for me about self acceptance...to realize i am acceptable...with all the things i think are imperfections and short comings...and there is that funny word imperfection...perfect nestled in the middle of imperfection...i am always exactly perfect even when imperfect...trippy stuff...but good stuff...

so this morning i read the writing on the wall!...HA!...i love this...the writing on the BRICK wall i have been beating my head against!

i form an answer to the writing on the wall:

I don't trust I am loveable.

what a tender and painful thing to read to yourself...how compassionate i am towards myself this hour...what a huge offering up from my beautiful soul to my tender human self...what a quiet unfolding of words...i say them out loud...

 I don't trust I am loveable.

then how in the heck would love ever find me...how would anyone love me so it would get through the wall of "no trust"...how would anyone ever be able to knock the wall down...how?

i have knocked alot of junk down inside me lately, set fire to it, rebuilt it into a different structure...but the bricks kept coming back and building that darn wall all around my temple...i have such a beautiful temple of flowers and music and laughter and light and happy animals...tall trees and soft nests...i have kindness and compassion and love...i have tenderness and concern...and yet the wall wraps around it...and i built it...

i repeated mantra after mantra to build the wall: she broke my heart...she did this to me...i cant trust love because my heart got broken...i am to afraid to love or let anyone get close...i will get hurt again...i wont survive the pain this time...i cant risk it...NOOOOOO i wont give in...on and on the mantras of fear pile the bricks up...it is crazy! because at the same time there is hope to be loved and accepted and cared about...

I don't trust I am loveable.

and i can say positive affirmations, mirror therapy, journeys, prayer, meditation of self acceptance. i can read self help books and stand on my head spinning like a top even but in the back of my mind the brain is going "yeah right you dont believe it...you dont believe you are loveable...your dad and mom told you you werent..others have showed you you werent...you arent loveable and you wont trust and that is that so there!"

but there is soul and it moves forward to show me the writing on the temple wall...carved into stone...

YOU ARE LOVE

brain chimes in as ego nudges it to speak..."yeah you are love...blah blah blah...love shmove...you arent love and you arent loveable and you are sitting there waiting for a phone call and no one is calling...you are laughable and ugly and getting older and more unwanted...you are stupid...you arent a good person...there is a reason you are alone..."

soul leaps in...you are love...

brain: YOU ARE A FAILURE...YOUR ART DOESNT SELL...YOU ARE BROKE...YOU ARE FAT AND DUMB AND NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES FROM YOU...

soul: you are love

brain: NO ONE WANTS YOU...YOU ARE ALWAYS PITCHED ASIDE...YOU ARE A DUMB WORK HORSE...YOU CANT GET ANYTHING RIGHT...YOU ARE WORTHLESS...NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO WANT YOU AND YOU DONT HAVE FRIENDS...NO ONE CARES...WHY DONT YOU DIE YOU STUPID FAT UGLY WORTHLESS DYKE...

soul: you are love

brain: YOUR MOTHER CALLS YOU A WHORE AND SHE IS RIGHT...YOU ARE FILTHY AND GROSS AND NO ONE EVEN WANTS TO HUG YOU....YOU ARE SO USELESS...YOU ARE ARROGANT AND LOUD MOUTHED AND THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING WHEN YOU KNOW NOTHING...YOU HAVE NO SOUL IDIOT...YOU ARE MAKING THIS ALL UP JUST TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF BUT YOU CANT MAKE IT WORK...BECAUSE YOU ARENT GOOD...YOU ARENT LOVEABLE...PEOPLE LAUGH AT YOU...THEY MAKE FUN OF YOU...YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF AND GET IT OVER WITH...YOU STILL GOT THAT ROPE...USE IT!

soul: you are love

the tears fall...i fall...into the dark place...into the place i often find myself...i am small and exhausted and broken to pieces...i am sad and all alone in this place...i am on my knees in this place...

this is a hard moment to go through...anyone got a tissue?...and there is the other thing i do...humor...to hide out in when it gets to be too much...but i type on and look at all of this...and...

i take this leap into the darkness...before i would just sit there and let my brain and ego beat the crap out of me...but i run...i am running towards all my fears and pain...i am running deeper into the darkness...angry...so damn angry...i want to feel more than this self hatred and i want those walls gone...never to be rebuilt...not one more time of dealing with all those heavy bricks...deeper into the darkness...

and there it is...the place where it all began...my parents putting this self hate into me...they were fighting...always fighting...dad screaming "you hate my guts dont you?"...mom shouting back "yes"...mom crying...dad pounding his fists against his head...their self hate snaking out into the room and going into me...all those years of not being good enough to them...they not being good enough for each other or themselves...i was unable to do enough to be accepted...farmed out to my grandmother or my aunt...missing my brothers...mom wanting me to parent her...dad picking fights with me....mom baiting dad and dad taking it out on me...the physical abuse...the words spewed at me...no place to go...school was my escape and yet even there i didnt fit in...i was gay and had to hide it at school...i would stay at my friends houses or grandmothers or aunts and miss not having a home...

here in the darkness i felt all of that loss and craziness of my childhood...the bad stuff getting worse...my young heart breaking and the feeling worthless...

i remember the first time i thought of killing myself...i remember it...the snow falling as i walked to town...at night...cold...hungry...off to my grandmothers where i would still be cold and hungry...i ate snow...i held my transistor radio to my ear...beatles playing...i was 13 and life was very lonely...whats the use...its never going to get any better...no one will ever care about you...just lay down in the snow and die...

wow...that was my brain...back then at 13...saying the same thing it is saying today...

you are love...soul whispers...did my soul say this to me then and i just didnt hear it?...you are love...

i didnt kill myself then but often wanted to and sometimes tried...i still have the rope...and yet i always hold myself back...tell myself as i did that night so long ago to hold on and see if it gets any better...if it hurts too much i can always end it...if the pain becomes too great...but the brain doesnt want to die...so i have lived...and yet i wonder if it wasnt my soul holding me up all those times...

you are love

this is my focus today...letting all this sink in and in this darkness being the bravest i have ever been...i am not going to end my life...i am embracing it...i need to teach myself what soul offers me...this greater level of acceptance...not just the words...but the expansion of my being...to know fully and to feel completely....i am love...