Sunday, March 18, 2012

DAY 20

well my day is hitting a big big freakin pothole...i had no idea i was slipping into an old pattern of helping others be successful until today...and of sabatoging my path or killing off more of my dreams...wow...i am shaking i am so upset with myself...so disappointed in just how things are becoming like always...and i am doing it...i am and no one else...i am going right into help mode again while putting my dreams aside or putting other folks dreams first...i always put myself last on the list...and it hit me again...that feeling...that overwhelming sense of deja vu...i am so tired of deja vu...i am so incredibly tired of it all...

i had that horrible dark hour of feeling suicidal again today...that horrible feeling like no matter how hard i work or how much i try i will never achieve so what is the point...and i know the fatigue is hitting me again and i got discouraged but will i ever stop feeling that worthless, pointless feeling?! i guess i am coming up against the big stinky again...the part of me that says colleen you arent worth it so why would anyone care what you want or need...oh the surround sound stereo thinking of it all...it is me sabotaging my happiness again...it is me saying give up your dreams and your plans colleen...you cant achieve them without support and no one supports you so give up...

ya know i am so tired of this looping endless crap machine called my head...i mean really...i feel stupid, i am stupid...i feel ugly, i am ugly...i feel like i will always be this or that....this brain has a mind of its own!...so i am not listening...or caring...

i think i am going to outsmart my brain...i think i will just let it think whatever its gonna think and i will know what i know...

i think the way to beat this stupid brain and to survive to tell the tale is to give up...give up dreams...to give up things i want period...to want nothing...to be attached is to be imprisoned...to let go is to be embraced by nothingness...to die to ones self is to create the space to be reborn to a new self...to rest i rest in my buddha nature...i walk with christ the compassionate one...i am in nature standing as the tree...dissolving like rain on a sun warmed stone...infinite nothingness...the bliss of nothingness...

i am alive...all the way alive...in the moment...setting myself free of suffering...nothing matters...i only have right now...and now never disappoints me...i am at peace...i realize my dreams and create my reality...one less pattern to be a slave to...i am love...as long as i can remember this then i can endure my stupid brain...

No comments:

Post a Comment