Friday, May 24, 2013

late night...

are you awake to life or still asleep? is what came to me at 3 a.m. last night...a question rose up in me like a gentle breeze raising a curtain of honeysuckle off a draped tree...

am i awake...to life? or still asleep? and then the teaching came...this soft voice spoke from the deepest parts of me...i got up and in the moonlit room quickly wrote this down as it came...

if you are waking up you might feel regret remorse anger despair hopelessness...you may feel overwhelmed...you will most certainly want to blame others for your "failures" you suddenly feel pressing against your heart...a battle will come...between your souls hope for you and your egos desires...ego will leap up and start singing you a lullaby...

i have navigated this in the past and feel as if i am beyond this...it felt good to see how far i have come with my awakening...the kind voice continued...

the egos lullaby may be a flood of words to get you more twisted up and tangled in the net of the dysfunctions you have lived in...to soothe you it will offer you the same props to suck you back in to an unconscious/sleep walkers life...it will hand you shopping...it will offer you sweets and over-eating...it will offer you alcohol...pot...pills...it will offer you an obsession or phobia...an affair or a drama filled relationship...sleep and you will numb out again...an eye mask to cover your third eye once more so you dont look within and question your life...

you can keep telling yourself everything is "their" fault...you can be a victim...you can blame it on crummy parents or an early trauma...a miserable boss or a selfish partner...you can deflect it all and sleep...are you asleep?

and then i felt a reassurance...a gentle nudge of knowing from this thought provoker...

or...

you can wake up and live your life...the discomfort will pass with acceptance and forgiveness...direct it first towards yourself...with a flood of compassion and love from your soul...then extend this to others...all others...gather yourself...every part of you that got left along this sleep walking trail...then breath...just breath...for as long as it takes to feel your own body again...no longer shut down...no longer with a closed heart...no longer tense and repressed...breath...in stillness...with nature...breath...by water or in it...floating...breath...under a tree or up in its embrace...breath...sitting with flowers or holding one and gazing at it...breath...breath...breath...

then...

look at your dysfunctions...and smile at them...introduce yourself...tell them what you want to happen...

over eater i want to thank you for the lessons and the soothing but this isnt serving me...it is making me unhappy...i am going to now pay attention to what i eat and why...and i am going to take care of me now...when i want to soothe myself or remove stress i will react differently...i will eat slower and i will eat healthier food...i will relax as i eat...yet i will not use food as a friend any more...it is food...not a companion...

whatever comes up introduce yourself...stay awake...look...breath...

the voice stopped...my pen stopped...i sat in the chair by the window...the night was so lovely...i looked at what i still am tangled up in...and yet i couldnt help but smile at myself...at this struggle...it is one of those libra things...the sad song of a bird with an empty nest...the lone cry of a wolf...the soft glide of a single swan crossing a pond in the moonlight...i suddenly felt a tenderness for my own soft heart...and i introduced myself...

hello lonely heart...its me...i am breathing and smiling and holding you in compassion...it is going to all turn out ok...i have faith in love and my healing...i will learn to be vulnerable again...i am learning to trust and let go of so much...staying present...not check out and go to sleep...i am strong and at peace with it all...so lonely heart lighten up and enjoy the beat...it is the drumming beat of contentment...

the voice never returned...the minutes ticked away on a childs toy clock in the darker corner of my room...i could climb back into bed and would...but for a few more minutes i looked out the window as clouds sifted through the shining sky...i conjured a bonfire in my mind and sat by it at a lake...a full moon kept me company as stars crowded around...an owl called to me...i let myself shift and flew to her...my night filled to the brim with peace...





Thursday, May 23, 2013

i am an earther

warning...i am on my soapbox...but it isnt a total meltdown rant...

once at a march against a nuke plant in ohio i was called an "earther"...a good old boy with a pickup truck and southern flag shouted it at me as he stomped out a cigarette...i had never heard the word before or since...but i like it...i am an earther...a tree hugging nature worshipping lover of this world and all two-leggeds four-leggeds swimmers flyers and wigglers...





i am making some radical personal changes and it is because i love people and the planet and know we all deserve health and happiness...i took this pic of a bumbler a couple of years ago...



there was not one honey bee to be seen that day and yet flowers surrounded me and the clover flowers were thick...the bees are a warning sign something is wrong...

congress doesnt want to let states have the freedom to label gmo foods...they are allowing the tar sands pipeland to stretch from the border with canada all the way to texas and another through new england...politicians are fine with fracking...

i always saw obama as a politician second...but now i see him as a politician first...he makes trades to get one thing and sacrifice another...he has done some good and yet he has not played the game hard enough at times yet other times he has played it like any other politician...he backs destructive energy voodoo projects and congress is congress...they want to please the powerful and fake the voters out...

i sat at a park recently and watched trash float in a lake...plastic bottles wrappers mostly and i got mad at myself for not getting up and fishing it out...i was tired of picking up other folks trash and it bothered me to do it one more time...i got upset at my discouragement so i jumped up and grabbed a stick...3 bottles and a pile of trash later it was fished out...i found a deep peace in this...i didnt curse the folks who littered...i sent them encouragement not to do so again...

i have recycled and emailed my reps...i have marched...i even was a member of a small group of teachers and "earthers" who successfully defeated a medical waste incinerator in of all places coolville ohio...we got a law changed to not allow the building of the incinerator within a thousand feet of a school...it was to be built near the school and a nursing home on an old kodak processing site already polluted...the incinerated corporation already polluting and in trouble down south called retired teachers and earthers and others "environmental terrorists" from outside the area...i held up my drivers license at one meeting i got so sick of being called an outsider...old folks broke down and cried at the thought of an incinerator in their neighborhood...18 wheelers coming and going at all hours...

but we had a state rep...ted strickland...who went on to become governor....he worked at drafting a bill that passed and we won...

now reps often push you aside for big business and forget we the people are these elected officials business...not the corporations they now see as "a person"...

transcanada promises jobs and gets to rip up american soil to trail a pipeline down the middle of our country and are trying to in new england (check out their map at http://transcanada.com/)... the fracking industry is secretive and often protected and given access to public lands and private...folks are just now understanding the devastating costs of GMO food supply...yet our government is protecting monsanto and others...

the bees are telling us something is wrong...just like the eagles spoke to us once...years ago monsantos DDT thinned the shells of eagles eggs after they has eaten contaminated fish and we were losing one of our most precious gifts of the wild...now it is the bees...and our own food supply again...the bees are showing us we have over reached with pesticides/herbicides and GMOs...

i live in this world not just seeking my own pleasures...i live in this world for the retired teacher whos hand i held when she cried at a town meeting...she was afraid for her grandbabies and her community...she was living her life for them and for me...it was how i was raised too...to take to heart i am my brothers and sisters keepers and the beloved/creator/god is witnessing my harm to this world...

but we live in a harsher world now...folks are stressed out from their lives and they often go for the easy...i have too...i have bought processed polluted food when i havent had time to cook...i have soothed myself with buying cheap things to make me momentarily happy...but i started remembering the days when shopping wasnt a recreation and cooking from scratch was worth the time and a pleasure to feed others a good home cooked meal...i play the lovely words "moderation in all things" as a way to remind me to not be gluttonous...

but the world is weary...i see folks tired and drained...i am too...i am run down from these harsh times...how can i expect folks to care...to self motivate...yet i do hope it...i hope they see we are here for each other...

i know if i lift my spirit up and stay positive it is my own strength which will change the world for the better...i will grow healthier and happier and stronger if i remove alot of polluted food from my life and detox my body...if i feed my spirit with kind and gentle people who respect me and wont stress me out...if i do what i love i will earn enough to pay my bills...i keep it simple and am happy...i clutter my life with disharmony in my food or my personal life or my apartment and i am unhappy...

i have made driving habit changes and reduce energy use in my home..."reduce, reuse, recycle" is easy...i think before i purchase...i adapt and adapt and adapt with a good feeling as i make changes...

i know folks can do more...i believe we can change habits and take care of the earth and each other...i even have enough faith to believe corporations can change for the better...if lead by open hearted folks all is possible...so more hearts need to be helped to open aye?

for i think the root of it all is love...and to see the real purpose to life...to plug back in to each of our original "mission to earth"...it is a hard thing to break through and do...it is easier to hide out and live closed off...it is easier to not care...it is easier to have majickal thinking and say oh aliens will come and clean it all up or god will fix it...but what alien would come down and visit this mess? and why would god clean up our mess when we made it? heck i wouldnt even let folks into heaven the way they trash this earth...let alone give them a first class ticket to another place...i would send some folks back to clean it up in fact...here monsanto exec...here is a mop...start mopping up the muck in this 3rd world prison...or better yet the exec comes back as a bee for oh lets say a million times...each time knowing it was once a monsanto exec who helped poison bees...

ah the soapbox is wearing me out...but the thing i am getting at is i care...i care and i will do my best to make this earth a healthy happy place for you...for your children...for your childrens children...i love this beautiful world...i love you...i have hope...i have my moments when i get discouraged but then i know i have no option but to be hopeful...to do my best...to be loving and compassionate and accepting...to be a good steward of the earth...to do my part for everyones sake and yet live with the thought others may not care enough but not keep at it...

when i close my eyes from this world and leave my body behind i want to be able to say i loved this world the best i could and was respectful...

i respect this gift we were given...this blue planet spinning...it really is amazing...we are amazing...and precious...

so look to the bees...they have been here creating our food by their simple act of pollination...we owe them life...we owe each other life...lets begin...

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

simply this

she walks the beach
in unmeasured steps
eyes sweeping the sand
for those perfect gifts

a smooth stone
of milky quartz
a plover feather
a bit of sea glass

i watch her crouch
and easily see
what she must have been like
at the tender age of three

in my mind
i see her as a teen
snatching up shells
or a heart shaped rock

often i have walked along
measuring my step with hers
my head bowed
squinting eyes hopeful

she stops
looks up the beach
a seagull glides
plovers race

she turns
in silence
and walks back
i smile and turn too

the waves tumble
more stones in
on the tide
rain follows us



Thursday, May 16, 2013

the wings of change...

on a train to dc right now...loud car...loud child about 3 seats back...i need a nap and so does he...but i am awake and letting thoughts wind through me...last night i had a journey that showed me patterns of behavior with myself and others...they were not easy to look at but i looked...ready for greater change in my life...and i chuckle at the word change...i use to hate change...libra thing maybe...but now i just look at it and go "oh well here is change again"...i give myself a few deep breaths and the promise of a cookie and go for it...change...not so bad when there is a cookie...

i love the train...it gives me time to transition...to get use to being in a different place...a different pace...but in day to day life there is no transition...i go out the door and folks impact me unless i am well rested and aware...and i am learning to be this more and more...when i have been around calm people i have been calm...ungrounded folks are difficult...i have to ground and be conscious of boundaries...when i am around undercurrents of anger i recoil from the situation/person...when i am around happy people i am relaxed and feel so free...

personal boundaries of not taking on other folks stuff is crucial for me...being rested and grounded is important...staying away from those who are not practicing spiritual hygiene is important...who arent themselves at peace and full of light...

undercurrents were running wild like rapids when i left rhode island...so glad to have the distance...will be stronger on my return...my journey practice helps and i have some amazing journeys lined up to do...i met a new ancestral guide in dream group the other day...she is going to really help me in the next few weeks...i know some of my lingering dysfunctional patterns are going to leave and in the void of this is so much good stuff lining up...

my new guide is going to be helping me with the patterns of rejection and how i dont need to encourage this pattern of self abuse any more...i can step away from others who would reject me...i can see it sooner...this guide is also showing me the formation of patterns around me...how others operate and entangle me in their dysfunctions...how they create their stages for drama and how i would step onto them with an opposing reworking of the script they didnt like as much as their version...

i no longer step on those stages...i am getting it and i am grateful for such a strong and firmly grounded teacher...i am grateful for this time in my life...i am unlearning so much and reclaiming my original "mission to earth"...

looking forward to hanging with my family and rebuilding my strength...i am still run down from being sick this winter but i am going to get back to a stronger body and better health...i have confidence in this...

the train stops and starts...the child keeps the volume loud...a quiet woman sits beside me...i will let myself drift off and see what train dreams come my way...
this time for me in maryland is about being in the cocoon...from a caterpillar with only a limited view of my world i am making my way into being a creature who can see from different angles and heights...who can be still or fill the air with dancing colors...i am hopeful as i cocoon and become more of myself...i look forward to change...

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

floating...

floating...drifting...bobbing along...away...away...a castaway...a lower caste...a hindu pirate on the unclean seas...and i dont mind...now...i love the untouchables like me...where else would i be...ash on my hands and told i am not worthy...yet...when i look in the mirror i see...my soul like a shining orb...pure...perfect...free...yet you still let me cross your mind as some sad malformed illness perched above you like a ghost...ah but i know i am a pirate with shining eyes and sharp fish teeth...i speak dolphin and seagull with ease...and on this island i make my home...i claim it in the name of all holy ghosts...

the sky is my canvas...the clouds my paint...i move them around and watch them co-create...dancing and swimming over me as a living work of art...my signature is the stars...

and then there is the sand where i write my stories down...all gobbled up by the waves and carried away to be told to the world beneath the world...turtles and whales know of my tales...so too the mermaids and seahorses...

it is quiet here and yet i hear everything...the songs of the ancients....the cries of the newborn mornings...the earth moans and sighs against my bones...some days i breath with effort...some days i breath with ease...the drumming of my heartbeat is the music i love...especially as sun slips away and moon climbs up to take her place...

 
the words above my painting is stream of conscious writing...it is how i often write...quick and only spellcheck editing most often...though sometimes i dont even bother doing that...i just let the words pour out...stormy sometimes...other times as gentle as a lazy sunday morning...
 
tonight i am unearthing bits of myself...since i met god it is easy to see the bits of broken places still to be swept out...and i didnt like them showing up today...i was doing ok without them...yet there they were poking at me...getting to me again...when i thought i had left them outside of me...is anything on this planet that easy...clearly not...
 
today i loved myself fiercely...i had felt an edgy crowding of emotions around noon...something wasnt going to be going well later in the day...and there it was...not going well at all...i was so tired and just wanted a nap...to close my eyes and...float away...but the nap wasnt working out...so i started back to the painting again...i picked up a book to thumb for an image and a card fell out...
 
a card with an image of ocean waves lifting up...a lovely papyrus company card...and it was dated June 2009...and it was as if i was seeing it for the first time...though i remember receiving it...but hadnt remembered the sweet words exactly...i remember what i was going through...the beginning of a long hard path i wish i had never stepped onto...
 
the handwritten note inside reads...
 
"There are times in our lives when we feel pulled under and times when we float effortlessly. It is now your time to ride the wave and become one--become one with the universal flow. Ride the wave to the shore and then go back for more!"
 
i know there are no accidents in this life...finding this card was a strong sign...and i know there are only choices to do things the easy way or the hard way...i have often chosen the hard way...it gives a richer lesson yet it is a greater burden in the experiencing of the lesson...since 2009 i most definitely took my lessons in a richer more painful manner...and learned so much about myself and others...
 
the price was high...i am feeling this of late...too high perhaps...and too late to undo the mess i made of my life...a sudden mound of regrets formed an island i now sit on...i see the metaphors all around me here tonight...on this deserted island...yet here is where i am meant to be until i build a raft and sail out to sea again...i have rope and driftwood...i have sailcloth and time to make a sturdy little raft...soon to ride the wave to another shore for more adventures...
 
and even with regrets i am grateful...i still love and i still feel the grace of existence...i still hold my soulmate close to my heart...i still believe in infinite love...i have hope in so much...i have faith...
 
the clouds are shedding tears tonight...the wind howls softly...i am cold and hungry and long to be held in strong kind arms...but it is easy to hold myself and comfort this silly libra heart...and i do tonight...but it is a struggle...my heart aches...i wish i were curled up with my beloved and telling stories to her...but i am not loved any more in the way i love her...
 
so i float...i drift...i bob along...smiling now...at the memory of her sweet heartbeat and her joyful laughter...the twirl of her dance...the memory of younger years...
 
this hindu pirate of the untouchable caste...this sighing castaway...this tender hearted selkie shapeshifter...this tired old lesbian...she is going to pick up her paintbrush and cheer herself up with warm colors and all will be well...in fact i already am better for streaming these words out to you...written in the sands of time...washed away and carried off to be read on some other shore...perhaps cheering up another lonely drifter like myself...
 
ah here is my wave...off to see what i can see in the big sea of possibilities...
~~~