the sky is my canvas...the clouds my paint...i move them around and watch them co-create...dancing and swimming over me as a living work of art...my signature is the stars...
and then there is the sand where i write my stories down...all gobbled up by the waves and carried away to be told to the world beneath the world...turtles and whales know of my tales...so too the mermaids and seahorses...
it is quiet here and yet i hear everything...the songs of the ancients....the cries of the newborn mornings...the earth moans and sighs against my bones...some days i breath with effort...some days i breath with ease...the drumming of my heartbeat is the music i love...especially as sun slips away and moon climbs up to take her place...
the words above my painting is stream of conscious writing...it is how i often write...quick and only spellcheck editing most often...though sometimes i dont even bother doing that...i just let the words pour out...stormy sometimes...other times as gentle as a lazy sunday morning...
tonight i am unearthing bits of myself...since i met god it is easy to see the bits of broken places still to be swept out...and i didnt like them showing up today...i was doing ok without them...yet there they were poking at me...getting to me again...when i thought i had left them outside of me...is anything on this planet that easy...clearly not...
today i loved myself fiercely...i had felt an edgy crowding of emotions around noon...something wasnt going to be going well later in the day...and there it was...not going well at all...i was so tired and just wanted a nap...to close my eyes and...float away...but the nap wasnt working out...so i started back to the painting again...i picked up a book to thumb for an image and a card fell out...
a card with an image of ocean waves lifting up...a lovely papyrus company card...and it was dated June 2009...and it was as if i was seeing it for the first time...though i remember receiving it...but hadnt remembered the sweet words exactly...i remember what i was going through...the beginning of a long hard path i wish i had never stepped onto...
the handwritten note inside reads...
"There are times in our lives when we feel pulled under and times when we float effortlessly. It is now your time to ride the wave and become one--become one with the universal flow. Ride the wave to the shore and then go back for more!"
i know there are no accidents in this life...finding this card was a strong sign...and i know there are only choices to do things the easy way or the hard way...i have often chosen the hard way...it gives a richer lesson yet it is a greater burden in the experiencing of the lesson...since 2009 i most definitely took my lessons in a richer more painful manner...and learned so much about myself and others...
the price was high...i am feeling this of late...too high perhaps...and too late to undo the mess i made of my life...a sudden mound of regrets formed an island i now sit on...i see the metaphors all around me here tonight...on this deserted island...yet here is where i am meant to be until i build a raft and sail out to sea again...i have rope and driftwood...i have sailcloth and time to make a sturdy little raft...soon to ride the wave to another shore for more adventures...
and even with regrets i am grateful...i still love and i still feel the grace of existence...i still hold my soulmate close to my heart...i still believe in infinite love...i have hope in so much...i have faith...
the clouds are shedding tears tonight...the wind howls softly...i am cold and hungry and long to be held in strong kind arms...but it is easy to hold myself and comfort this silly libra heart...and i do tonight...but it is a struggle...my heart aches...i wish i were curled up with my beloved and telling stories to her...but i am not loved any more in the way i love her...
so i float...i drift...i bob along...smiling now...at the memory of her sweet heartbeat and her joyful laughter...the twirl of her dance...the memory of younger years...
this hindu pirate of the untouchable caste...this sighing castaway...this tender hearted selkie shapeshifter...this tired old lesbian...she is going to pick up her paintbrush and cheer herself up with warm colors and all will be well...in fact i already am better for streaming these words out to you...written in the sands of time...washed away and carried off to be read on some other shore...perhaps cheering up another lonely drifter like myself...
ah here is my wave...off to see what i can see in the big sea of possibilities...
~~~
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