journey to god...

a simple journey to meet god and ask for guidance...yep god was my guide...i figure i might as well try going right to the source...and there god was...as if everything rushed into a smallness...a pinpoint of light...a spec...and that for a moment was god...then it all expanded in a great whooosh and was everything...then a focused place came...a place of light...and in the light a more dense light...and i was there...love pulsed from it...compassion...sacredness...a circle came from the dense light and set a circle around me...i was a light being...with other light beings and this denser light...and we were sitting in a circle...i saw my life in the middle of the circle...this life moving in jerky movements...stopping for a moment on different times...it was like i was filling in the gaps of my own memories...things i had forgotten...like singing "stoney end" at a talent show and a girl came up and kissed me on the cheek and told me i had a lovely voice...i forgot that...the blush...the butterflies in my belly...then more moments...some easy to look at and some which hurt...i felt comforted as i endured this...i felt loved and even respected...yes respected is the word...to have the courage to come this far...to not be afraid to face it all...and believe me i faced it all there in the presence of god...not easy to consciously stand before god and look at all my worst moments...but then it was also very freeing...to not feel judged was the odd part...

i did ask this...where is the judgement?...god spoke in this wordless way i adapted to as well...god said no judgement...no punishment...no suffering...this is the place outside of suffering...this is the place of....and this is where it gets hard to put into words...it isnt that there is a price to pay so to speak...not karma...it is like this...if there is a good choice or not good choice it still ends up at the same spot...it just takes more energy to configure and get to the same spot...if good is chosen then less suffering and less configurations...if not good is chosen then longer and more configuring but both will arrive at the same outcome...it is so hard to explain something beyond words...but i see it now...it is all patterns...all the repeating of a design to get to the sameness...which doesnt make sense until you look around you and see it...how everything makes sense...that it is exactly what it needs to be...

i was shown how the universe is expanding at the same ratio as our human minds are expanding...i was shown the connective tissue of all things...and yet how this is simply forms and colors and patterns to help us experience a different way before taking on our original form again...that the human experience in the human dimension is the equal of the spirit form in the spirit dimension...equal experiences of immense sacred importance...i was amazed by this...it is overwhelming in a beautiful way...

i had to ask about evil...the shootings at schools...the bombing in boston fresh in my thoughts...the civil war in syria...the religious violence...the daily cruelty...yet god asked me a question...god asked why i dont believe in evil...and i dont...i never really have...it is always an odd word to me...evil...as if it is a degree of cruelty that separates out the worst humans do...but never made sense to me to have it separate...evil...i explained to god...evil is about making something so wicked and vile that we think ordinary humans cant do it and it gives us special permission to hate an "evil person" and wish them harm...i told god i could easily be a hitler or a man sitting a bomb down at a boston marathon...that i could as easily be mother teresa or a person rushing into a burning building to save someone...it is all in the experiences leading one to a certain moment...we are all capable of good and not good i told god...a mind snaps and does a horrible act...a mind transcends and does great good in the world...so how can evil be something separate...

god flooded me with love...i felt like i was getting closer to understanding something and wanted to move closer to it...i felt a level of courage i often call upon when facing my own suffering on earth...i looked into the passing of my own life in the middle of the circle again...

i saw the night last year i nearly ended my life...i felt the emotions of it...the struggle...the desperate feelings...the fatigue...the sorrow...i felt the great suffering of it...i saw myself reaching out...being rejected...coming to the window that night...thinking of the release from my body...the end to the suffering...yet there in the center of the circle i saw this other thing...this light that grew from my chest that night...i knew what it was then and what it is now...it was my souls beacon signaling for assistance...and i received it...the inner strength it took to go on...to find answers...to open my heart up more and more was so beautiful...i felt god filling me again with so much love and approval...guiding me in how to keep my spirit strong...helping me to stay on the path of healing...

and i saw more recent times...my illness this winter...a different kind of struggle...i saw the day i was so hungry yet couldnt cross the floor to fix something to eat...i saw myself praying for strength...saw myself fall asleep...remembering the gentle dream i had...

god asked me why i didnt call anyone for help...i said i didnt think i was worth it...and i felt this lifting up from god then...this healing...this thing beyond words...this compassion i guess it was...gods compassion healing me of this feeling of unworthiness...gods thoughts telling me i shouldnt have had to ask...but it should have been given...yet he showed me other peoples hearts and ways...and i understand why they didnt...and send compassion...we are all struggling with our human weaknesses these days...as our minds expand and we know we need to change it is still hard to leap into the next level...to trust...

yet here i was in the presence of god and i was trusting this stranger to do all sorts of healing on me...yes god is a stranger when you havent met formally...lol...seriously it is a very odd thing to go through...imagine an alien knocking on your door wanting to heal you and you say ok sure? even though i knew this to be god it was a difficult moment to surrender to...yet i did...at each step...closer and closer to understanding myself...each thing falling into place...

why i took one path and not another...why i never quit things but see them through...why i take so much on and give folks many chances...why i punished myself...why i blocked memories out...so much came to me in the circle...the other beings sitting silently...grounding and supportive...

forgiving myself of countless moments i now remember...growing more respectful of all the times i chose to do right...loving the tenderness and the compassion i offered up again and again...watching myself in times of great loneliness being kind to myself...caring for others...

i was all caught up with this life and then seeing more...seeing an aging woman holding a baby...realizing that was me holding me...and it hit me then...it got me to that greater understanding no words can really explain...but it is what we all know...it is what we pull away from even as we hunger for it...i saw in both pairs of my eyes the same look...in the baby's eyes and the older woman's i saw that spark of god so perfect and so infinite...full of love...

i saw all of us as cells filling up a universal body...gods "body"...filling gods mind...gods heart...and when you know this...when you know you can cause suffering in god and in each other it is the thing that breaks through the walls and blockades and barriers you have set up...it makes you feel sick to know the great one of love and compassion is being harmed by your hate and wrong doing...then it is just as immense to know your goodness and compassion eases the suffering we are inflicting upon the beloved one...this creates a closer connection to the source and to the flow of love for me...it is almost too much to know yet important for me to know...it makes me want to always do good and be kind...to even more quickly correct my behavior and to do no harm so i do no harm to the one who created all of this and who gives us endless compassion and love...

these arent new ideas i write about...some are found in different religions...but what was different is i finally got it...who/what god is...what all of this is about...i felt gods suffering and i felt my own and the worlds suffering in a way so much more powerful than before...and i have come to understand the only real thing in all of this is love...the rest is just what we use to get to where we all need to be in this human place...

this was the greatest journey of my life...i am in love with god and all that is...what an amazing experience and one still growing in me like a peaceful lotus...i have approached all of this so often and yet backed away...but you know what?...the things i was afraid to look at in myself? those things i was ashamed of? god had seen and i had witnessed and others had felt the ripple from...yet no judgement came from the wellspring of love...god was there to serve me and heal me as much as i am to serve god and all others...

there really is a simple path...and it is easy to step onto...

forgive yourself...love yourself...love all others...it is all god wants...for the love to work its way through us and out into everything else...

the courage it takes to go to the source is nothing extra-ordinary...it just is...worth the trip...greeted with love...outside all suffering...able to take refuge in this wondrous place of light to receive a teaching and healing from god...it will change you in so many ways worth experiencing...you will never fear death or anything ever again...

 

 

p.s....this was my headtrip...you may or may not believe in a creator...you will get to where you need to be on a longer or shorter path but you will...i have faith in your human-spirit:)...meeting the beloved wasnt about a religious notion or any limits humans put on the beloved...just saying i met god and it was nothing i have known before...to be in the presence of perfect love was inspiring and i believe it was the truth behind all the myth making and misdirections we create...i went away from this experience understanding so much i got lost in trying to understand before...the clarity i have been seeking i found...the peace i always looked for was found...i have the deep unfolding trust in all of this life...i am not tangled up in the old nets of anger and hurt any more...i understand now...