Thursday, September 27, 2012

peace...

really digging the self work i am doing...not easy to look at some of it but so rewarding...releasing alot of junk...clearing out debri inside me...surrendering to what is...accepting without resistance...and i wasnt doing that even today at one point...i was fighting a battle with myself...but for what?...what is there to win when you battle yourself...so i stopped and let go and oh how much easier things came to me then...

i am in this odd moment where old patterns are not just falling away but going down in flames...and i have to laugh at it...i mean i did light the match...being one who believes in radical responsibility...and i created suffereing in myself and others by my actions...but wow sometimes things need to be blown up, set on fire or dropped off a cliff aye?...

i feel very free in a way...like whatever happens simply happens...my medical bills are stacking up...i am not sure about friendships or where i am meant to be...i feel like something is getting ready to happen and i am not sure it is positive but i am already accepting it as a blessing...

i am going away to maine for a few days tomorrow...to rest, be in nature, do self work using journeys...eat some pie...pick up beach treasures...i feel it is time to go on a retreat...a quest...to find answers and to accept healing...i almost expect to come across jesus and buddha hangin out in the woods of maine...maybe sitting on a four wheeler...just toolin around...maybe they will give me a ride...we could go camping and get some serious discussions going over campfire food...would be cool huh?...jesus and buddha and me...i have so many questions...but then i know the one answer...do you?

love...love is the answer to everything:)...

peace to all...

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

reflection...


yesterday was a very spiritual birthday for me...i did a healing ritual by a beautiful brook and drummed...i walked the woods and had a visit with an owl...i had little moments of grace and also moments of struggle as i let myself feel some hurt and sadness that has grown in and around me lately...it isnt anything i cant transform...and i am...but there is loss and i feel it...such is life...letting go and letting go and letting go...like leaves floating on the water...surrendering...

allowing the flow of my best thoughts to take me to where i need to be...in silence i go...trusting the flow even though i am not sure where it takes me...just knowing i will get there and it will all be the way it needs to be...it already is the way it needs to be...accepting...and feeling blessed by my acceptance of what is...home in myself and in my buddha nature...water singing to me...trees comforting me...i am at peace in a world which makes little sense tonight...i am smiling at the night sky...the moon emerging...stars reaching out...crickets singing the last songs they have in them to give...nights growing colder...

my hands lift...palms up...i thank the creator of all of this...suffering goes...gratitude and love enter...







letting go



washing my sins away...washing the past away...washing it all away...
untwisting...letting it go...
delete...erase...remove...quit...

no more foolishness...no more any of it...

less words...more paint...
less speaking...more drumming...

no loneliness...just alone...

nothing more to seek...for everything is found...

art is my spirit breathing...
nature is my body...
the ocean my blood...
the sun and moon are my eyes...

when all else failed me
i have had art and nature to feed me...
my muse for drink...

i rest in my earthen bed...
beneath the blanket of stars...

hope is nesting in each flower
and peace in each birds song...


i need nothing...
i am nothing...
i am everything...

the poetry of hours are free verse...

the book of life is closed...

i now write in the sand...
impermanence is in the rising tide...
infinity is in each moment...

i am baptised...made pure...

now to begin anew...
reborn...

i am a quiter

so last night at the birthday celebration i was talking to a guy...i said if i made a toast it would be about quiting...to be a quitter...he said this is too negative...i smiled and i said i have quit nagging myself...quit putting myself down...quit taking only crumbs...quit settling...i told him there is alot of things i have quit lately...i quit taking "it"...quit feeling unworthy...quit putting off happiness...he smiled and got it...

so what are you going to quit?...something big i hope...i hope you blow it up!...quit a job you hate....no excuse...plan an exit strategy if you must but quit it...quit a relationship...quit a behavior...quit a habit...quit getting up so early to do a day you hate...quit...it isnt giving up...it isnt denial...it is liberation...it is revolution!

i quit alot lately...i am still working on quiting more...not sure what i will embrace yet...but the quiting part is liberating...

the big one and it is huge...quit caring what others think of me...it is one that has left many splinters in me...so i am extracting them...but i am doing a great job at it...this week challenged it...folks disappointed me and yet i had to look at it and not let it become a judgement against me...and i imagined judgements from others which is crazy making...and last night i got tangible proof i am likable...lol...others showed me in so many ways how much they like me last night...

honestly it was amazing to get so much genuine love from others...i didnt have to do anything but show up for it...i felt so deeply moved by it...it helped transform some hurt and heartache folks didnt even know i was carrying...and those who didnt come simply didnt come...they had their reasons and celebrating with me just didnt feed their spirit...i wanted them to be where they needed to be...they were...

to see others gathered and laughing and enjoying the freedom of a room of loving kindness was beautiful...all ages...all walks of life...buddhist and christian and pagan...republican and democrat...from a wee one who danced the night away to the oldest ones in the room whos laughter was as happy as wind chimes tickled by the breeze...the song "harvest moon" sung by a brother and sister poured over us all like honey...others braving the mike and others singing in the crowd...good cake!...a feast of food...folks sharing their best selves with each other...

i took it in..trusting everyone in the room to be kind to me...pouring my love over them...it was breathtaking...everyone who was there shined...each one standing in the perfection of their beautiful presence...i marvelled at it...this was the best birthday i could have hoped for...it taught me so much about who shows up in your life and why...last night lovers showed up...and i so needed their love...it taught me to trust and open and surrender...how majickal...i am blessed...

more splinters removed and a soothing balm of community and friendship placed on the hurting places last night...

so quit...be a quitter...there is more i am quiting in the next few days...i have a checklist...a quitters list...kinda like a bucket list but one of giving up things rather than achieving some task...

and quiting can be hard...some things you quit have to be done in parts...but it is good to quit...

oh quit worrying...that is a big one...one you might have to work at...quit saying negative things...that is a good one...

so my sage advice...quit...quit it right this minute! it is a life changer!...and better to do it and not put it off...do it now...change your life before you are too old and the only change you see is someone changing your diapers!...seriously...do it...i am...it feels awesome!

Monday, September 17, 2012

bliss...

i tasted your breath as it blew across my face...sweet like honey...warm and moist like sun touched dew...i felt your heartbeat...hand resting...remember...remember i told myself...remember the rhythm of her...remember the shift of her smile and the lift of her hand to my face...remember how her hair drifts across her cheek...how her eyes smile...remember this forever moment of bliss...and i do...i conjure it up when the loneliness tries to collapse in on me...i hold it close...pressed against me as the moon presses against the ocean...i am at peace...rocking myself upon the ocean of love...


Sunday, September 16, 2012

random stuff...

And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it. ~Roald Dahl
~*~
woke up in the middle of the night holding my own hand...i found this to be so tender...sometimes i do this when i am drifting off to sleep...i take my hand as i climb into the cave of lonely hours...but last night it was different...i took my hand at some point as i was sleeping...when i woke up i discovered the hand being held by the other...for a moment i thought it was someone else holding my hand...such tender feelings were dancing through me...such peace and happiness...it was as if my soulful hand was clasping my human hand...i felt this rush of love...it is those little moments in these times of transition which keep me going and not only going but smiling as i go...whatever struggles and suffering became diminished by this sweet majickal moment...
~*~
i see my muse as a dance of lights twirling...the transformation of flesh and bone into spirit...i feel the words and songs and paintings lifting up in me...the beauty of her soulful dance inspiring me this day...
~*~
i laugh alot lately...it is the old me meeting up with the new me...the old me saying "geez woman it took you long enough!"...the new me laughing, punching the old me in the arm...how DID i get so uptight and tough on myself and everyone...oh yeah life got tough and i forgot to stay soft...duh...but then a year came like no other and my heart opened slowly, my soul shined brighter and my mind began to clear...so i look at my old self....she is so much fun to hang out with and shapeshift back into...she laughs easily, holds no grudges, dances!...she sings and makes messes and creates art and isnt afraid to be herself...the new me is spiritual in different ways and is a little more grounded with money and business stuff...i think the balance of some new stuff and the old stuff is gonna make a great combo...i am happy these two could meet up...adds a whole new twist to the line i have said about myself..."i would date me"...lol
~*~
this was a horrible thought to pop into my head about an hour ago but also so me...i thought thank goodness people dont eat penguins...then i started worrying that they do...and then that it would catch on and show up in grocery stores...the packaging alone was making me ill...i hope people dont eat penguins...if they do dont tell me...tell me tomorrow...but not today...i am giving myself the day off of heavy stuff...now i am thinking too much about it...quick brain! distract me...
 
~*~ 
 
ahhhh pretty...
~*~
 

Friday, September 14, 2012

the lake of my heart

video


this is a very sweet lake in maine where the story i have written is set...on the edge of the lake are some old hemlock trees...one especially captured my imagination and became a character in my story...this lake is watched over by loons kingfishers dragonflyers owls and mourning doves...many fish and the happiest tadpoles on earth stay busy dodging the loons and kingfishers....

i waded into her cool waters skinny dipping...i stood beside her and sang my prayers...i walked around her and i kayaked her...she is a part of me and i am a part of her...i feel her strength and hear her gentle music...i feel her misty caress and her soft brushing breeze through my hair...i adore her womanly curve of mountains and the sun who lifts up over her shoulder of trees and smiles across her all day...the moon teases her with shy affections and the stars delight in her and dance with her all night...

she is in my heart tonight...rocking me genty to sleep...

happiness

 
the powerful lotus leaves rise and open with such steady grace...the rich veins feeding it life...the strong stem firmly holding this umbrella of beauty and perfection...and then a voice comes...i hear her...she is singing softly...my muse...and i smile and feel at peace with this world...all is well...all is good...

words

poetry is clogging my veins this morning...i want to sit and write...let the lines spill out of me...like honey from a comb...like wine from lips...i have words so layered with meaning...deep like the footprints of the big island at the floor of the ocean...i have words soaring swiftly up...like a soul sprung loose from its earthly cage...more words nesting in lovers embrace...softly smiling words of saturation...words swimming wildly in a stream...silver bellies flashing scaly and gleaming...words...words....words coursing through me...running wild like ponies...a great waterfall of words cascading through my mind...words breathing like plum blossoms coming to life...words sifting through me with the same happiness as the sunlight sifting through clouds...words pulsing with the drumbeat of my blood...words pressed to me like your kiss presses against my heart...words filling me and thrilling me and chanting for freedom...words sleeping against my bones...words crying out with joy...words praising the morning...

Thursday, September 13, 2012

the monarch






been thinking about a monarch butterfly i came across yesterday...it isnt the one in this picture i took of another monarch in spring...the one yesterday was struggling in tall grass...i picked it up gently and let it rest in the palm of my hand...it was quieting its life...emptying out...

it was perfect...the wings not tattered...colors bright...it reminded me in that moment of the kites flying around me lately...a grand kite flying wise woman sailing into my life six weeks ago...a couple of days after i got out of the hospital...there she was...with stones and smiles...she saw into my soul...i trusted her easily...and then she flew away home yesterday...perhaps migrating back again someday...

and here was this monarch leaving as well...

there was a large grey rock in the shade nearby...i brought the monarch close to me and kissed its wings...gently...with a blessing...and gratitude...and love...leaving it there on the rock in the cool shade for the sun to come creeping over it in time...no picture snapped...no further intrusion...i felt like i should not stay...it needed simply to be...

yesterday was a challenging day...from beginning to end...i opened to lessons...some sailed easily...saying goodbye to my new friends as they returned home...other lessons fell hard into my heart but i was ok with it...i needed to understand...i do...and moments of light came...a friend cleaning her studio...another with her son for a quick moment...her wisdom landing with me and grounding me...and another with not only one hug but three to fill me up!

i struggle through my fatigue lately...i struggle with focus...i am not well at times...eating so little and am losing some weight...though i drink protein drinks and such...it will be okay i know...i am just very tired during different parts of my day and struggle to cook at times...i struggle with having the energy and yet let myself rest when i cant go on one more step...practicing shavasna and quieting myself into a peaceful state...i pulled over into a park yesterday and did it for 15 minutes...centering was hard but i did shed some tears and rested my mind body soul for a few of those precious minutes...i am so happy to have this in my life now...it makes sense to me...it is exactly in my life at the precise moment i need it...am open to it...but then everything is this way...i felt the fatigue of the monarch yesterday...even its wings weighing too heavy to move at the end for it  i sensed...

i reflect on the monarch today with deep appreciation...some monarchs migrate and some dont...some have a brief life and some go on for months...some travel great distances to live out their lives doing the same things one who stays put would do...all are the same in the end...wings slowing down...remembering flight but no longer able to lift its body...then...emptying out and flying on in spirit...

we...you and i...we are the same...emptying out in the end...and in the meantime struggling or not...less struggle i hope...for me i am allowing myself less struggle...choosing to be as the kite...as the monarch...as spirit...choosing to lift gently...choosing a peaceful landing...a quiet emptying out each day...and then at the end of life as well...

no fighting...no fuss...no judgement...no frustrations...no battles...just sunlight and starlight...flowers to sit with...breezes to dance with...being fully...singular...not being in the storm but finding shelter from the storms...relaxing into each day and letting go of each moment...moment to moment...letting go...my breath in and out are my wings lifting me up and down on this journey through life...i am happy...the sun feels good...the day stretches out before me with infinite possibilities...i fly...

flower power

 
i forgot...now i remember...i am...that is all and it is everything...
 

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

offerings

very solid journey this morning...i was above...in the galactic center...with beings of light...it was joyful...there was dancing...the purity was brought into me...freeing me of confusions...giving me mindful clarity...

i saw others below me...i saw their humanness...they were as children...though with adult tools of egos destruction...i saw my tools as well...gossip, selfishness, possessiveness, envy, mistrust, insecurity, falsehoods...i saw the energy of these wrongful ways...i saw these dark tar like actions and how they reached into others...creating confusion...each person sending confusion out...i being part of this confusion spreading like a disease...a killer virus destroying happiness and love...a virus which weakens you and seeks to make you a spreader of more confusion...i saw it and it upset me...yet the light beings were there...and one came to me and saw me upset...

it replayed a scene from yesterday for me...a man standing with a dog on the gano street exit...the man held a sign...down on his luck...the dog had beautiful grey eyes...i was two cars back when i reached into my pocket without hesitation...i had six dollars so i gave him two...i had forgotten i said "bless you my brother"...and he smiled and said "thank you so much"...it was the most genuine emotion...it felt good...i smiled as i pulled away...to connect to another being for a moment...

i felt suddenly calm in my journey...and i cried happy tears...not polluted by fear or self doubt...i felt loved...i felt whole...pure... 

in my journey i stood in the galactic center and watched light beings dancing...i was filled to the brim with understanding...made calmer...at peace...i have been going through so much change lately...left confused by my own actions and others actions lately...struggling to get work done as i navigate becoming well in my body again...struggling to reach out and not hide out...the loneliness coming at times...the joy of being around others making me feel like that crazy dog who has broken its chain...i tell myself to be still and sit in the moment...being alone not good for me yet finding myself alone alot...

so i must make more changes in my life...and i am...with some struggle...yet this morning the well of calm is full...filled by the light beings...those fiercely loving angels of strength and knowing...what a blessing to have grace come in and give me this insight...i do so marvel at creation and the creator of all of this...


in our humanness we struggle to get to something so easy...so full and perfect...the moment i shared with the man and dog...where spirits meet in a simple act...where an offering is made and a gratitude is genuine...i find this rare but i have had it happen in very profound and honest ways lately...from strangers singing at a gathering i attended to the gentle moment my best friend shared her sandwich with me at a sidewalk cafe...to having two wonderful new friends in my life who amazingly accepted me just as i was and let me be a lotus opening to the sunlight of their kind ways...to my brother and his wife who have done so much to keep me going this year of transition...it is all so amazing...we each reach out an offering more than money or things but cloaked in these things...we offer a bundle of wood or a couple of dollars or a sandwich or a hug...yet what we are truly offering is that which comes from the flow of the unseen...from god...we offer pure love...and this is beautiful beyond words...

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

water tree

 
kayaking i came across the silent hulk beneath the surface...i edged up to it...even a tree under water has stories i learned...i sat there in my kayak...perched like a waterbug...listening...i loved every soft chime of words spilling from this water tree...i will never forget them...they are with me tonight and i am grateful for the company these stories provide me...nature is the one thing to never fail me...i smile at this picture and relive the telling of those tales...

a flower teaching

the lesson flowers teach me...

beauty is found when opening up your heart to the light...

you feed anothers spirit by your own blossoming...

to be open and radiate love is to inspire others to bloom...to expand...

yes you are vulnerable when you open yourself  up...but to trust is the key which turns the lock and allows you to enter into a world filled with love and grace and beauty...

staying closed is not safe...it is selfish...you will live out your life experiencing so little of this amazing existence...giving little to others who need your love ...a closed blossom dies as well...unfurl yourself and feel the warmth of the sun and the gaze of smiling beings appreciating you...

be who you are...be what you are...a flower does not know it is a lily or a cherry blossom...it simply is itself...be yourself...

and know the life of a flower is short but it is glorious...when life is done the petals will dance in the wind...happily...surrendering...


Monday, September 10, 2012

a good day of knowing...



worked through the night...on an art project...me...a work in progress...the infinitely opening lotus...

at one point the discussion in my head (from all those opinions i have received from others lately) became deafening...then single voices came and it was easier...lots of advice..lots and lots of advice...taken in...appreciated yet difficult...like i dont know my stuff?...like i dont know there are wolves in sheep's clothing out there?...i am not a sheep led to slaughter...i am not a victim..far from it...i am a compassionate being who has reached her frustration point with the gleeful enjoyment of dysfunctional behavior around me...and who realized it began to get into me...i needed to take full and radical responsibility for who i let in...there are some i dont let fully in now...some not at all...

i am no longer putting myself into their dysfunction...i am no longer allowing myself to be polluted by it...it weakens me and gives them permission to keep this planet in its out of control teenager years...now it is getting time to decide on some things...for myself and for all of us...what world do you want?

i dont want one where people self medicate to be happy and enjoy life...and surface people are unsafe to be around...their energy so polished and beguiling yet they do harm...they may not intentionally but a closed heart is a dangerous thing...i should know...i had one...

i dont want to be in a world of gleeful unkind acts...i dont want to participate in gossip any more or be drawn into dramas...i dont want to be around people who are not good hearted or who have underlying intentions to curse or harm others...i dont want to be around people who choose darkness yet say they live in the light...i want to be around lovers...those who love openly and honestly...those with brave hearts...those who are tender...tender when it is not easy or convenient but when it makes them uncomfortable yet they do it anyway...

i went to a church once who's parish washed the feet of the homeless and gave them new socks and shoes that fit...i learned so much from this...i am grossed out by feet and yet i pushed myself to show this expression of loving kindness so i may always remember to do for others even when it is not easy...and now i have learned to ask of others as well...even when it is very hard for me...the creator is in those moments...so full of grace and  gentle ways...i will be this person more fully from now on...

i am purging many things lately...people and behavior and thoughts which distract me...last night i worked hard on looking at each thing as if they were a stone to keep or discard...i have to bow to a very generous teacher here...litsong...she inspired me to do this...soon i will take these two piles of stones and divide them...keeping only three as a reminder and the other ones i have written on with pencil will be given to the ocean...water being the great healer...letting go of old useless patterns...embracing new practices i have vowed to myself to honor this season approaching...

i let myself get desperate again...for home and a sense of family and to please others and all those other wasteful things...i even tried to give up writing because a couple of people told me i reveal too much and turn people off...but i am a writer as much as an artist and writers write out their truth...would anyone tell joan didion to write lies? her greatest works are the ones where she splays herself open...i am a writer...i write close to the bone...and i have no need for approval at last...i write and put it on this little blog because it is the ember that reaches up into the night sky...it is my taste of freedom...

and then there is the opinion i have mental health issues...have you looked around lately?...i am crazy?...manic?...bipolar?...whatever?...yeah? really? you think so? because i am happy and sad and tired and cry and show my feelings and am passionate about my beliefs and sit silently in meditation and pray to something you cant see except in everything?...more nuts than a bag of almonds? 

yet i dont self-medicate...i dont lie to myself...i dont go plastic and fake...i look at myself and ask forgiveness when i have wronged someone...i step forward and talk to the person...i also stand up for myself though more direct is better i am learning...i am a creative being and never hide out...even when i want to...even when i know it will make it easier on me or let others off the hook for their behavior...there is no time left to hand hold others as they wallow in their dysfunctions...there is no time for my own...we need to allow peace and happiness to lead our actions...from the heart...not from ego and the head...

i simply live in the moment of myself...and sometimes this moment (as an artist and writer) is raw and untamed...other times it is quiet and fully held....but i think i am fairly balanced...at least measured up against some folks i know...i think it is the pot calling the kettle crazy...ya know?...i just let my crazy out and some folks build facades and hide their crazy ways is all...they smile and hold themselves together...do drugs or drink in private...but for the most part they are a mess...and yet i see beauty and spirit and light in them...and love them...well except when i dont and then i work on it...but we are all here in this same place...this same configuration...and time is ticking away...there is no time to hold back love...i refuse to be a servant to darkness and ignorance...and i refuse to be around others who still serve such a cruel master as their untamed egos...

folks lately are teaching me one valuable lesson...to not listen to anyone but myself when it comes down to it...they have opinions but it is what resonates as truth for me which i will let in...the rest is just opinion...i have peace in my own inner strength...i have empowered myself with the great well of wisdom we all have access to if we have the courage to draw from it and take action...i am a warrior...i take action...

be a warrior...it is time to step into this role...fight for the good and true right for this planet to survive...nature is calling you...give into your nature...you are in the circle...not above the grizzly or below it...not grander than the trees or lesser...not superior to the ant...but its brother or sister...you are part of every inch of this earth and yet you are killing yourself...stop it...

soon i will do a lakota inipi (sweat lodge)...i know the tradition yet two times in my life i have stepped away from it...the lakota were a very aggressive tribe...they went to war often...they are the buffalo people to those of us who know their history...fearless, honorable yet they can roll over you...they paint their faces to disguise there looks before battles...warriors gain status by acts of war...they are a powerful medicine of a certain slant...their ways have survived because of it...i understand it...their environment shaped their ways...yet i came from a land of plant medicine and water...we had luxuries the land offered up the plains people have not...so the energies of the two ways are different...one a hunter/warrior way...another a hunting/agricultural way...yet both to be respected...still living rituals and living cultures navigating a world that should not die because of the ignorance of peoples ways in the bigger cultures...

i will take on the buffalo in shapeshifting soon...i will walk into the sacred place of the inipi and become buffalo and receive a teaching...i know this...i have dreamed of the white buffalo and it has come to me as a guide now...always present...i am made stronger and know it...i am so focused on my intent to be released from my old patterns of being and ready to reshape myself for new ways...nothing stops a warrior...not even death...and so it is...this crazy woman who runs towards her fears is now also running towards her happiness...and my happiness is in nature and in myself and in those who enjoy my true being...

i smile...knowingly...i am well and i am at peace...


Sunday, September 9, 2012

rope dragon


dragons...like many creatures of  middle earth...often disguise themselves so they can move around without being harmed by some humans...



yet i was very fortunate one day to have a dragon decide to halfway morph into itself and drop part of the disguise...for a brief time she shapeshifted into a rope dragon...slowly turning her head to me...ready to trade stories...ready to share the rocky beach...it was a good time...i heard a fantastical story of a mermaid who learned to fly and a fast talking penguin who conned its way into a wedding party...i gave her my stories as well...

as i began to leave she told me one important thing to consider..."never forget the world behind your world...this is where dreams are assembled and stories are born"




she grinned and waved her tail...i shapeshifted into a heron and flew away...i think i surprised her..."humans know some amazing things too" i shouted and circled her three times before flying away...


sacred

here is my home...where the trees greet the water...the mist dances softly...the sun lights the path...

here is my heart...where the birds sing their souls into the damp morning air...where loons call to each other...where all of creation gathers in prayer...

where the deer slowly follows a century old path...where mushrooms climb through layers of leaves...where lilies open themselves up to give inspiration and hope...this is where my spirit is...

Saturday, September 8, 2012

at summers end

surrendering to my summer of teachings...blessed redemption...third eye seeing...heart wide open...palms up...praising...feet grounded...breathing...tasting the sweet nectar of summer's transformation...i am me again...whole...in and out of my body...present...at peace...

what a season...


from the moment the dragonfly landed in my hand and passed from this world i knew i should really pay attention...open up to even the hardest parts of healing...let in the lessons in all their forms...be humble...admit when i have done wrong...stand my ground when i felt this too...learn to accept help...and always seek to be kind and remove ego...empower myself...speak when something didnt feel good...not accept judgement from others who do not understand the path i walk...

some moments of this summer brought gentle lessons...some moments the lessons came with hurt and confusion...but always i wanted to understand...to take radical responsibility...to love as best as i could...to seek peace and forgiveness...to above all love and be compassionate to myself and others...and when i failed i wanted to feel the discomfort of my failure...i wanted to embrace this as well and make amends and learn to not be reactionary and oversensitive...to not tangle up my karma with another and to set each person free as they came into my presence...

it was a difficult path to this day...many times i just wanted to run away and hide...and some days i did...alone and sitting ill...becoming twisted in my thoughts...tangled up in bitter roots within deep waters...yet before i submitted to the gloom of that horrible place inside me i reached for the bits of light above me...freeing myself from the roots of mistrust...lifting myself up...towards the light...

and oh what grace...oh what sublime joy comes from trusting and forgiving and reaching and opening...i sing now and i laugh and i ask for help and i stay open...each moment with nature and other sentient beings has gotten me to this hour...i bow down to all...i am so immensely grateful...

here are some moments thru the year which touched my soul...

a drum given to me by the woman who laughs from her soul...what a big spirit she has...bright and vibrant...thank you...



this drum has touched the lake water and been through land clearings, drum healing, journeying, prayers and with me as a constant companion...she is strong and pure...i call her earthsong...she is the best drum for me now...meant to be in my hands...i to be her servant...i am so honored to have her in my life...
 
a powerful teacher challenged me this year...one with healing hands and of good character...one who is stepping onto a richer path of service as my third eye sees with some struggle yet getting there...she has taught me much and created confusion within me to learn from at times...my healing and transforming into this new way of being would not have progressed without her and i am forever grateful for all she has given to me and taught me...sometimes when someone holds a mirror up it is hard to look in...but it takes a caring soul to hold the mirror...bless her life and all she does...i have cherished her presence...there is so much love and respect for her...


bless the trees of this summer i have hugged and who have hugged me back with their loving spirits...they are the storytellers who give me their wisdom...they are my kindred...i climbed one and sat in its arms and it told me of the first bird which ever landed upon it...it was still a sapling...the crow landed and bent her over...yet she did not break...from this she said she learned even the heaviest burden can be survived if you are flexible...bend with the weight of life she told me...you will not break...and so my trees helped me with the uneasy moments of my lessons...bending to the burden of the teachings...bending to the weight of another's anger or hard feelings...bending and coming back to stand upright...stronger...and yet gentle...
 
i love my precious trees...and feel their love for me...



there have been moments when friends have knocked on the door and wished to help...who i sometimes stayed away from because of my own fears and self doubt...my own insecurity and lack of trust or belief in myself...yet they kept knocking and i opened to them slowly...i trust more today than in the past...though sometimes i still feel too vulnerable and have to center myself...but i am grateful they still want to be around me...i am learning to let others in and not self-sabotage...they have been patient at times and frustrated at other times...i am sorry i have frustrated them...

i am like a dog chained up on a post for many years and then the chain breaks but what does a dog like this know of freedom...it must learn to be itself...it runs wild and gets lost...it struggles to find its way...is cautious and fearful...does not even trust the food and water strangers offer it...until it rests under the stars and lets the rest ease its fears...calmly it gets up and does not run anymore...it simply seeks to find a place it belongs...where in being itself it will be loved and find home...i hope others understand this about me...i chained myself up and now i am walking towards them...a little cautious but at peace...

and a great and good teacher is a woman i have known for lifetimes and many years in this one...from the first moment i saw her holding a bag of carrots in a grocery store and all through the years she has challenged me, loved me and endured me...


each time i have walked on the beach with my best friend she has taught me to calm myself...to see the beauty of the walk...the unwritten path to be printed out with my gait...to brave the ocean and yet seek treasures onshore...she has been with me through lifetimes...she has seen me at my worst...we have harmed one another and also find forgiveness...i learn from her and i hope she has found lessons from me...she and i have our paths and yet sometimes these paths meet up and we walk them together for abit...and peace comes and it is an honor to learn to create peace with someone you love but at times do not have harmony with...she has challenged me to live the belief i hold so dear...to love for its own sake and to ask nothing in return...and i do love her...and in this i have learned to love all and when i feel hard feelings coming i remind myself to love more fiercely and with great compassion...i am so grateful she has stayed in my life and remains a teacher...and to walk a beach with her is to walk with grace...being in the moment...with often profound conversations...i thank her...

my family...who are fully back in my life...wow...i am so deeply deeply happy about this...i love them so much...they have no idea how they have lifted me up from despair and seen me through difficult times...to have my niece and nephew be so loving towards me is breathtaking...they are such amazing and good souls...pure and perfect...filled with the light of god so brilliant i am dazzled by it...and their parents are wonderful... i marvel at them...my brother and his wife love each other so much and it is beautiful to see this dedication...they have made sacrifices for one another and stand by each other and it is sacred...they love me and this is such a tremendous blessing...and i fully and joyfully love them...




my mom...difficult to navigate her at times...but i have made peace with her...there is a tender heart behind all her fear and suffering...she has taught me patience and deepened my commitment to a path of compassion...she was the first eyes i met in this world and my first love...it is bittersweet...sometimes she didnt make it easy to be around her...yet to do so was worth the struggle...the lessons...the understanding of this level of suffering in another...

my dad?...amazed he is still on the planet after his stroke 6 years ago...i hope he is not too bored in his body...i worry about them both...feel so much for what they go through...love them through it and prayer for them...

then there are new people blessing my life...my circle expanding...beautiful rays of light...great spirits...noble beings...

a studio partner who makes me laugh and relax...she has brought gentler lessons and happiness...she gives me a space to make art and when she sings i am inspired and moved to gentle tears...she is such a talented creative soul...a noble being...a seeker of truth...who walks in peace and offers refuge to others in her space...

then sweet travellers from taiwan have discovered me after a lifetime or two...kite flyers and artists they both are...loving stones she creates with chinese characters have weaved a strength and knowing in my heart...a young mans voice so familiar to me now it is hard to believe i have gone so many years without knowing it...his wisdom and humor so full and rich already...his mothers kind and generous ways so affect me i can only say thank you and know she will continue to give me strength and guidance through the years...and i hope i offer kind ways in return...what special people they are...i am so incredibly honored to know them...and love them...

 

 


and still others have folded into the patterns of my teachings this summer...a few days at a lake in maine brought lessons which at times were very difficult to approach and take in but i was not going to walk away from these teachers...i was willing to endure it and to humble myself before them...to accept my wrongfulness...to seek to understand...to stay open...to be raw and vulnerable...to listen...to use my voice...to be a witness to my compassion for myself...to forgive myself for my shortcomings...

there are my ways...my spiritual practices...my love for my creator...my love for nature...and with this came the tools and the encouragement to heal...i have been blessed and do not take the blessings lightly...

 
 
out on the lake in maine...kayaking...loons came...they let me be with them and they showed me how beings weave in and out of each others lives...in a harmonious dance...they support each other and stick by each other...not pushing and not to overpower with ego...but to simply be together...to work in cooperation and in community...and i saw the women on the land there doing this as well...working together...considerate...kind...with good intentions...it gave me hope...it is what i wish to gravitate towards...moving away from those who operate from ego and who wish to divide and do harm...to remove myself from anyone or anything that is not feeding my spirit...
 
as fall comes and a need to be still and paint rises up in me i give myself over to a new season and a new way of being...open...endlessly opening...like the lotus...my heart is a lotus...
 
 
my heart is pure and soulful and strong...
 
 
 
i approach my birthday at the end of the month...my 50th year...i was to have a party but it isnt working out as i hoped...so i will go off by myself and let nature be where i celebrate...in peace...with love...grateful...
 

Thursday, September 6, 2012

the hemlock

 
arms outstretched...head in clouds...wind sweeping the clutter of needles away...the hemlock stands...counting no time...yet full of time's passage...a library of songs and stories...she stands firm...she is the one constant of the forest...a steady comforting presence...
 
 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

tonight's journey...

tonight's journey is very beautiful and full of grace...

i settled myself in to my big comfy recliner i call affectionately "big blue"...i used my drum and softly struck it for what felt like a long time...journeying to a familiar place...a lake i love...finding myself floating on a raft...the stars so heavy in the sky it seemed they sunk lower and hovered only feet above me...i felt as if i would dissolve into them at any moment...yet the raft drifted to shore and i disembarked...up a path...into a large tent...

the tent was simple...a dirt floor and mats to sit on...my guides came...they sat with me and prepared me to meet loved ones i have not seen in lifetimes...a lineage of my children they told me...i knew this was the journey...i asked for it...i opened myself up to it...ready to finally face this part of me...all the children in all the lifetimes i have carried in my heart...little hands and grown hands reaching out to me in dreams and thoughts over the years...yet tonight i was ready to experience it all fully...

so many people dont believe in past lives...i cant even call them past lives...for in the place of spirit there is no time...only lessons and experiences...only love...and in this place of spirit our many lives rest and are there to be our present teachers...i opened myself up to these great teachers of love this evening...

tonight my children came up the path...tonight my healing enters into me...to those who dont believe in past lives it is ok...it does feel crazy at times to even have these moments...yet they are so personal and so real...they resonate from my soul...and if you can believe in angels and demons...if you can believe in god and eternal life...well perhaps you can allow for the thought of other lifetimes and more expanded lifetimes of lessons and experiences before all is done and we are truly home in that forever bliss...

so to continue...i was in the tent and the guides were supporting me in this moment of great joy and great heartache...they came...young and old...male and female...asian, african and others...and the love flooded me...smiles and touching...hugs and long sobs...each face precious...each voice the song of my heart...ten children from one family...all with the most beautiful eyes looking to me...i see the eyes of their mother when i look in their eyes...other children quiet and happy...some filled with sorrow at the loss and yet lifted by this reunion...a young girl giving me flowers...an old woman who was my daughter takes my hand and holds it as if she is three again...her lovely blue grey eyes healing my suffering...

it was a feast of love...a great homecoming...a wondrous moment of feeling fully loved by the children of my soul...i have so missed all of them...to put my arms around them and give all my love to them was so peaceful...

i didnt leave there for a very long time...at some point i was no longer drumming...i was no longer sitting in a chair...i was among the angels of my heart...i was home...home in a place so beautiful...this is my heaven...this is my peace at last...

i am completely  saturated by them now...not alone any more...they are with me...in my soul...awake and happy..and filling me with happiness...my feelings make sense now...my hunger to have family is fed...

i had conversations with some...others i sang songs with...some wanted to simply sit and be held...

i feel as if i have lifted a great weight off my heart now...i understand so much about myself...more came and more understanding is rising up in me...i am so very blessed...so full of love...







Tuesday, September 4, 2012

the nest at the lake

 
the humble home
 
each bit of straw
carried with intent
weaved into a bowl
 
a place of refuge
perched
where one must trust
all will be well
 
this home
is open and vulnerable
yet blessed 
 
held
in the loving hands
of the unseen one
 
safe
whole
at peace