what a season...
from the moment the dragonfly landed in my hand and passed from this world i knew i should really pay attention...open up to even the hardest parts of healing...let in the lessons in all their forms...be humble...admit when i have done wrong...stand my ground when i felt this too...learn to accept help...and always seek to be kind and remove ego...empower myself...speak when something didnt feel good...not accept judgement from others who do not understand the path i walk...
some moments of this summer brought gentle lessons...some moments the lessons came with hurt and confusion...but always i wanted to understand...to take radical responsibility...to love as best as i could...to seek peace and forgiveness...to above all love and be compassionate to myself and others...and when i failed i wanted to feel the discomfort of my failure...i wanted to embrace this as well and make amends and learn to not be reactionary and oversensitive...to not tangle up my karma with another and to set each person free as they came into my presence...
it was a difficult path to this day...many times i just wanted to run away and hide...and some days i did...alone and sitting ill...becoming twisted in my thoughts...tangled up in bitter roots within deep waters...yet before i submitted to the gloom of that horrible place inside me i reached for the bits of light above me...freeing myself from the roots of mistrust...lifting myself up...towards the light...
and oh what grace...oh what sublime joy comes from trusting and forgiving and reaching and opening...i sing now and i laugh and i ask for help and i stay open...each moment with nature and other sentient beings has gotten me to this hour...i bow down to all...i am so immensely grateful...
here are some moments thru the year which touched my soul...
a drum given to me by the woman who laughs from her soul...what a big spirit she has...bright and vibrant...thank you...
this drum has touched the lake water and been through land clearings, drum healing, journeying, prayers and with me as a constant companion...she is strong and pure...i call her earthsong...she is the best drum for me now...meant to be in my hands...i to be her servant...i am so honored to have her in my life...
a powerful teacher challenged me this year...one with healing hands and of good character...one who is stepping onto a richer path of service as my third eye sees with some struggle yet getting there...she has taught me much and created confusion within me to learn from at times...my healing and transforming into this new way of being would not have progressed without her and i am forever grateful for all she has given to me and taught me...sometimes when someone holds a mirror up it is hard to look in...but it takes a caring soul to hold the mirror...bless her life and all she does...i have cherished her presence...there is so much love and respect for her...
bless the trees of this summer i have hugged and who have hugged me back with their loving spirits...they are the storytellers who give me their wisdom...they are my kindred...i climbed one and sat in its arms and it told me of the first bird which ever landed upon it...it was still a sapling...the crow landed and bent her over...yet she did not break...from this she said she learned even the heaviest burden can be survived if you are flexible...bend with the weight of life she told me...you will not break...and so my trees helped me with the uneasy moments of my lessons...bending to the burden of the teachings...bending to the weight of another's anger or hard feelings...bending and coming back to stand upright...stronger...and yet gentle...
i love my precious trees...and feel their love for me...
there have been moments when friends have knocked on the door and wished to help...who i sometimes stayed away from because of my own fears and self doubt...my own insecurity and lack of trust or belief in myself...yet they kept knocking and i opened to them slowly...i trust more today than in the past...though sometimes i still feel too vulnerable and have to center myself...but i am grateful they still want to be around me...i am learning to let others in and not self-sabotage...they have been patient at times and frustrated at other times...i am sorry i have frustrated them...
i am like a dog chained up on a post for many years and then the chain breaks but what does a dog like this know of freedom...it must learn to be itself...it runs wild and gets lost...it struggles to find its way...is cautious and fearful...does not even trust the food and water strangers offer it...until it rests under the stars and lets the rest ease its fears...calmly it gets up and does not run anymore...it simply seeks to find a place it belongs...where in being itself it will be loved and find home...i hope others understand this about me...i chained myself up and now i am walking towards them...a little cautious but at peace...
and a great and good teacher is a woman i have known for lifetimes and many years in this one...from the first moment i saw her holding a bag of carrots in a grocery store and all through the years she has challenged me, loved me and endured me...
my family...who are fully back in my life...wow...i am so deeply deeply happy about this...i love them so much...they have no idea how they have lifted me up from despair and seen me through difficult times...to have my niece and nephew be so loving towards me is breathtaking...they are such amazing and good souls...pure and perfect...filled with the light of god so brilliant i am dazzled by it...and their parents are wonderful... i marvel at them...my brother and his wife love each other so much and it is beautiful to see this dedication...they have made sacrifices for one another and stand by each other and it is sacred...they love me and this is such a tremendous blessing...and i fully and joyfully love them...
my mom...difficult to navigate her at times...but i have made peace with her...there is a tender heart behind all her fear and suffering...she has taught me patience and deepened my commitment to a path of compassion...she was the first eyes i met in this world and my first love...it is bittersweet...sometimes she didnt make it easy to be around her...yet to do so was worth the struggle...the lessons...the understanding of this level of suffering in another...
my dad?...amazed he is still on the planet after his stroke 6 years ago...i hope he is not too bored in his body...i worry about them both...feel so much for what they go through...love them through it and prayer for them...
then there are new people blessing my life...my circle expanding...beautiful rays of light...great spirits...noble beings...
a studio partner who makes me laugh and relax...she has brought gentler lessons and happiness...she gives me a space to make art and when she sings i am inspired and moved to gentle tears...she is such a talented creative soul...a noble being...a seeker of truth...who walks in peace and offers refuge to others in her space...
then sweet travellers from taiwan have discovered me after a lifetime or two...kite flyers and artists they both are...loving stones she creates with chinese characters have weaved a strength and knowing in my heart...a young mans voice so familiar to me now it is hard to believe i have gone so many years without knowing it...his wisdom and humor so full and rich already...his mothers kind and generous ways so affect me i can only say thank you and know she will continue to give me strength and guidance through the years...and i hope i offer kind ways in return...what special people they are...i am so incredibly honored to know them...and love them...
and still others have folded into the patterns of my teachings this summer...a few days at a lake in maine brought lessons which at times were very difficult to approach and take in but i was not going to walk away from these teachers...i was willing to endure it and to humble myself before them...to accept my wrongfulness...to seek to understand...to stay open...to be raw and vulnerable...to listen...to use my voice...to be a witness to my compassion for myself...to forgive myself for my shortcomings...
there are my ways...my spiritual practices...my love for my creator...my love for nature...and with this came the tools and the encouragement to heal...i have been blessed and do not take the blessings lightly...
out on the lake in maine...kayaking...loons came...they let me be with them and they showed me how beings weave in and out of each others lives...in a harmonious dance...they support each other and stick by each other...not pushing and not to overpower with ego...but to simply be together...to work in cooperation and in community...and i saw the women on the land there doing this as well...working together...considerate...kind...with good intentions...it gave me hope...it is what i wish to gravitate towards...moving away from those who operate from ego and who wish to divide and do harm...to remove myself from anyone or anything that is not feeding my spirit...
as fall comes and a need to be still and paint rises up in me i give myself over to a new season and a new way of being...open...endlessly opening...like the lotus...my heart is a lotus...
my heart is pure and soulful and strong...
i approach my birthday at the end of the month...my 50th year...i was to have a party but it isnt working out as i hoped...so i will go off by myself and let nature be where i celebrate...in peace...with love...grateful...
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