Thursday, December 22, 2011

had to share...

i am a conspirator...are you?
A Spiritual Conspiracy


On the surface of the world right now there is war and violence and things seem dark.

But calmly and quietly, at the same time, something else is happening underground.

An inner revolution is taking place and certain individuals are being called to a higher light.

It is a silent revolution.

From the inside out. From the ground up.

This is a Global operation.

A Spiritual Conspiracy.

There are sleeper cells in every nation on the planet.

You won't see us on the T. V.

You won't read about us in the newspaper.

You won't hear about us on the radio.

We don't seek any glory.

We don't wear any uniform

We come in all shapes and sizes, colors and styles

Most of us work anonymously

We are quietly working behind the scenes in every country and culture of the world.

Cities big and small, mountains and valleys, in farms and villages, tribes and remote islands.

You could pass by one of us on the street and not even notice.

We go undercover.

We remain behind the scenes.

It is of no concern to us who takes the final credit,

but simply that the work gets done.

Occasionally we spot each other in the street,

we give a quiet nod and continue on our way

During the day many of us pretend we have normal jobs,

but behind the false storefront at night is where the real work takes a place.

Some call us the Conscious Army.

We are slowly creating a new world with the power of our minds and hearts.

We follow, with passion and joy.

Our orders come from the Central Spiritual Intelligence

We are dropping soft, secret love bombs when no one is looking..

Poems ~ Hugs ~ Music ~ Photography ~ Movies ~ Kind words ~

Smiles ~ Meditation and prayer ~ Dance ~ Social activism ~ Websites ~ Blogs ~ Random acts of kindness...

We each express ourselves in our own unique ways with our own unique gifts and talents.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

That is the motto that fills our hearts.

We know it is the only way real transformation takes place.

We know that quietly and humbly we have the power of all the oceans combined.

Our work is slow and meticulous.

Like the formation of mountains

It is not even visible at first glance,

And yet with it entire tectonic plates shall be moved in the centuries to come.

Love is the new religion of the 21st century.

You don't have to be a highly educated person.

Or have any exceptional knowledge to understand it.

It comes from the intelligence of the heart

Embedded in the timeless evolutionary pulse of all human beings.

Be the change you want to see in the world

Nobody else can do it for you

We are now recruiting…

Perhaps you will join us.

Or already have.

All are welcome

The door is open



~ Author Unknown

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

this sacred time of year


within the second day of hanukkah, in the day before winter solstice, approaching christmas, in the season of peace...i wish all of you a most beautiful and loving time...forget the hustle and the hassle...forget the shopping and the to do list...take a moment...with a cup of coffee or tea...in a quiet place...let your shoulders relax...sigh it all out...close your eyes and breath in and out deeply...sip your warm drink and have these peaceful moments to truly reflect on your abundance, your blessings and feel the love i send to you...it is there within reach and it is the best gift i know to give...may it bring you a happy smile and alittle more energy to step back into the must do things with a better way to deal...which is to simply be and smile and watch the crazytown mad dash rather than be in it...but if you have to be in it be safe...much love and light to all...

Friday, December 16, 2011

such is life...

a week ago today i had a very intense thing happen to me...i got carjacked...not physically hurt but it has been hard to shake some parts of the experience...

i came out of a store and a young man asked me if i could spare some cash...i pulled out what was in my pocket...a five dollar bill...and handed it to him...he thanked me and i started for my car...then it happened...he was right there with a knife to me...wanting me to drive him to boston...so that was that...no one around and i felt the adrenaline in my mouth as i just followed instructions and tried to let my past training kick in...

once in the car and starting out i calmed and centered myself and just assessed the situation...he was manic...upset about his family and the holidays...he was coming down off a binge of drugs and partying...he was exhausted but hyper...so i could use my training and keep myself safe i hoped...yet for a bit of time i had no idea if he would simply slit my throat and take the car...so i had to keep him focused on getting home and getting hold of his family...and my instincts would serve me well...

as we were nearing the highway split to go to boston i convinced him he should call his mom...long story short we ended up meeting her and his brother at an exit on the way to boston and it was a peaceful ending to some very intense hours...

my body and my mind were worn out beyond words...i made it back to the friend's house i have been staying at and i just collapsed in the shower...my hands had been gripped tightly around the steering wheel for hours and now my upper body felt like one big bruise...my mind was fried...i felt myself numb out to alot of it...i was on overload...

and for days i just worked at feeling me again...i felt like i was not fully recovered til yesterday really...like alot of what i had done for days was just pushing myself thru things...packing and moving my things out of my old place to put them in storage til my apartment is ready...doing things with others, making meals, the nuts and bolts of my day were just there...

then i meditated yesterday and found my focus...on being peaceful...i also began restoring my self esteem and self worth more fully yesterday...i still struggle with parts of this but today more is making sense to me about how i am with others and how others treat me...

i get alot of it now...why people want me a certain way and yet hold me at arms length...that with others i am only allowed so close and then used for only certain parts of myself...not seen as a person with feelings too...why i have been used as a playmate or pet and not seen as an equal...i get put into this role of being a pseudo man because i am a lesbian...straight women especially treat me as if i am simply there to be used as men are used...i have had to remind women at times i am not a man and they ignore it...they dont want to hear this...their homophobia is entrenched and they dont want to be challenged...

lesbians are different than straight women for sure...we are a little flirty...we do our best because we are judged differently...we are expected to not talk about our private lives yet i hear the details and references to straight women's lives when it comes to their partners...we are suppose to be strong and often are the ones who step up when other women dont...we are approached with the same level of passive aggressive behavior men receive...women are passive aggressive with other women but how they are with men is much more unkind and selfish...i am not saying lesbians are above or better than...they certainly have their immature behavior at times...and i am not saying all straight women are tough on lesbians...i am just saying to folks lighten up on this lesbian...i am doing the best i can in a world that sometimes is wicked unkind to me...dont be so hard on me...see me as a woman and that is all...

and this past week has made me examine love...how i express it and how much others mean to me...how i want there to be peace and harmony and caring and for myself to show it in much fuller and profoundly loving ways...i have made a special effort around this for the past few days...i have picked things apart that were knotting around my heart...i have tried to express my love to others...i have tried to reach out and be open...

and then i had to realize i had to be more loving towards myself as well...i went to that edge again where i dont like to be and wanted to give up...it had all become to hard and i was drowning in it all...i was very hard on myself yesterday especially...feeling as if i failed again...not knowing how to navigate around my own rising self esteem and self worth...not knowing how to express myself well enough in words or actions...but committed to doing better...

so today i woke up at 3 a.m. and absolutely couldnt shut down or run away from others...i can simply be me and there will be folks who appreciate it and enjoy my odd little humor and my passion for knowing and my love of love...i am alittle different but still worth having in others lives...i am worthy is the part i need to know more than any...i am worthy...

a new day...the sun is shining...my body is sore and tired but i have love in my heart for everyone and a hope that love rules everyone's actions today...

Thursday, December 15, 2011

peacemaker


i did a journey this morning about being peaceful and being centered...i wanted to understand the moment i drift from my center and am not peaceful or have peaceful thoughts...i also wanted to restore the temple altar within me that holds my core values and self worth...someone had given me an image of a box that held all good thoughts about me and so i wished to journey to this place with a strong guide and be shown how to empower this place within me...

i went to the place beyond places...it didnt feel like the lower or upper or middle world...i didnt have a body...my guide was a shimmering singing cluster of clear crystals...i was standing in my soul's temple surrounded by endless beauty and pure love...a stream of light filled the sky above me...sounds of indescribable beauty sung overhead as well...flowers filled the area i stood in...

a simple table stood empty...the guide told me to fill it with all that was precious to me...and so i filled it with framed photos of those i love...friends, family, those i admire...then favorite books...to kill a mockingbird, silas mariner, emerson essays and others...then music playing i love coming from an old stereo i had as a young adult...my drum...rocks, sticks, feathers, shells, bits of nature...and then the box...a pale blue top...

in this box i pulled out words...colleen is kind, colleen is strong, colleen is a good artist, colleen is compassionate, colleen is soulful, colleen is happy, colleen is beautiful, colleen is desirable, colleen is important to others, colleen is loved, colleen is a good friend, colleen has worth...on and on the notes read this way...i struggled to accept what some of them said...so the guide had me read those over many times...

in the end there was one last item i placed on the altar...it was a ring...a simple ring...a promise...that i will not be alone...that i will allow love in and be loving...it is as simple as this really...to make peace i must make peace within myself...to remove my fears of being alone...to remove my fears of being unlovable...to remove my fears and be at peace...to live right now...today as if i have those things that are important to me...because i do...i really do...

and so i begin my day...a sacred day of being a peacemaker...for when you create peace in yourself the world is made more peaceful...

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

morning chuckle

i laughed out loud this morning as i read an article online...i am into quantum/physics as an armchair onlooker of all these discoveries and near discoveries and oops we were off by this much take backs of discoveries...

this morning the article was on the search of the "illusive god particle" or the Higgs bosin...

ok so i am not going to get technical on myself or you but it is a yet found puzzle piece that is the(maybe) AH-HA moment for those intrepid hunters of "bossie" as i call the god particle...

see this ginormous collider underground crashes protons together going super dooper speed and when these protons fly into bits and pieces ever so small (and by small i mean you cant even imagine how small small can be in this universe of smallness in a proton)...so anyway they break up into particles and each particle has a role in creating mass which creates matter...the matter that makes up everything...so bossie is what gives the other masses their mass it is thought...hence the "god particle"...

and here is where the laughter comes...i imagine there is no mass creating mass...that bossie is nonexistent in any physical realm and this will blow the physicists minds...that every particle in all the universe is simply there being held into the structures and patterns of the physical world by....drum roll...nothingness...

that everything is interlocked and simply keeps it all together not flying apart into countless particles...that would be cool and trippy...and i would laugh even more...not out of making fun of the billions of dollars and endless hours and mind-time used to find nothing...but i laugh at the joy of it...to know that the unseen mystery remains unseen even if the mystery is solved...

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

peace


i seek peace in the season of peace and have found it...in the slow moments waking i pray and meditate and find the core of my being in repose...there is a cool underground spring pouring from the earth...and in this rich flow is the crystal clear essence of peace...i drink it into me and let it fill every cell of my body...i let it fill my mind and ebb from my body in all my words and actions as i time travel through this day....my heart is as light as a feather...my eyes shine forth happiness...my soul is free to send love and compassion to everyone...i am at peace...may all of us have this peace today... 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

gentle thoughts



"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." ~~Toulouse Lautrec from the movie Moulin Rouge

I just had gentle thoughts and sent them out to the world...to those i know and love very much...family and friends...and then expanded it out to everyone...i am blessed and counted them these last few moments...i am grateful and so full of love...i am rested and feel changed by the shift in my mind i have made...i am growing more and more peaceful...i am feeling loved by the unseen greatness...i feel loved by others...i feel liked even...accepted for who i am...there is a deep gratitude for being accepted...i feel more and more part of the world around me and less seperated...for so long i thought i was one of the broken toys on misfit island...but now i realize none of those toys were broken and i wasnt either...it is so cool to feel a sense of self worth...to know i am worthy and to offer up my good heart to others...

blessings on this lovely day...may we all walk in peace and love well...

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

self other all


yesterday evening i went to my first kundalini yoga class...and i loved it times a thousand...the teaching was on "crystal clear focus" i believe was the exact wording...i found the physical challenges to be invigorating and some even took me to the place in myself i love going...

one exercise had us breathing in a certain way and then with outstretched arms fold them in at the elbow so hands would be over the heart...each arm at a time...and it was so cool! we did it so long and i did it so fast it felt like i had more than two arms...by the end of that exercise i felt like i had six arms...six amazing hands over my heart...when we stopped i felt the arms give me a hug before becoming two again...yeah trippy!...i know...

another exercise i was breathing and became lava flowing through the earth...i was in hawaii and i was traveling fast in the earth...like a fire snake...and then i leaped out of the ground and became red wine thin...then i became flames and red clouds and then darkness...i was high up and in the stars...there was a vast silence...

another exercise we were on our backs and it was a resting exercise...i shapeshifted quickly into this shaft of light i always feel within me...this light i saw in me as a child...as a child i knew when i was happy the "beam" of light was whole and bright but soft...when i was upset it would become fragmented and sharp and could hurt my body...so at this class last night the shaft of light became fluid and left my body...it had a snake movement to it as it left the top of my head...it reached beyond the ceiling...it was with another shaft of light that spiralled around it...this "other" was happy and pulsed with a slightly different vibration...it had a pale...a very pale hint of blue to it...i noticed mine had a very pale red to it...as we danced together and climbed higher we left a trail of pale lavender behind...was ever so slight in this beautiful light trail but it was there...

and then i shifted into an orb of soft light and was at the lake in maine...i wasnt sure if the other light had become a part of my own light or not but i had no human need to know anything or control anything...i just felt immense love...and as the orb i was more me than i could be as a human i felt...i was me and other and all...this is how i can describe it...all at once...i felt the greatness of the unseen who created all and other and me...i felt every color on the planet...every thought...every suffering and every joy...i felt every breath and every heart beat..i felt the pulse of stars and the coldness of the deepest reaches of the ocean...i felt the searing center of the earth and the gentle movement of butterfly wings in warm sun...i felt speed and yet no time...

as the orb i felt big and yet i was not large in a physical way...maybe the size of a volleyball or smaller...i was soft and yet dense...a pure light now...no color...i hovered over the lake i love in maine...and then i quickly dropped in...the water exploded around me...flying up into the air as billions of droplets charged with the light and the words "i love you"...

as each droplet fell to the earth it released the light, the water and the feeling of "i love you" which entered everything...plants, animals, the earth, people...and this was so thrilling and made me so happy i wanted to do it again...so i...though "i" didnt fit at that point...the word i...it was more like a plural i...if you can imagine a plural i...not we...yet not singular...anyway i flew to the ocean...a warm ocean of emerald waters...

i slammed into the ocean sending the empowered droplets again...and they rained down on everything...full of i love you's...and it just made me happier...so i went around the world doing this in different places...i love you in shimmering droplets falling to the earth...

i suddenly felt a pull and ended up in my parents bedroom...they are both confined to hospital beds now...i felt the orb was meant to do healing work and had permission from the flow of healing it was tapped into...

i went from my mom's feet all the way up and out her hands...filling her with healing and love...i noticed the pain in her body, the drugs she was taking, the sadness in her and the fear and loneliness...i felt it and wanted her to feel the love of her creator and to feel safe and to find relief...

i went to my dad...i worked from his feet up...i felt him having pain in his lower back...i felt his shoulder ache...i felt him in a fog from medicine he was taking...i felt a part of him very at peace and grateful and yet a part of him that felt sadness and that he missed being outside...i saw him wanting to touch leaves and yet he couldnt...it made me send him a dream of walking and laughing and playing with his grandchildren in the leaves...i let him know he could go into dreams and play and be whatever age he wished and he could even be young again and run the streets of his hometown or play basketball like he did in high school...i let him know he didnt have to come from the dreams sad...he could go back and dream and be happy...someday he would have a new body...he could feel the pureness of love now and always...that his creator loves him and he is not alone...

i went to the rest of my family and simply offered them healing for whatever they needed healing of...then others i went to...a person very dear to me who is struggling...i offered her healing to use...and her higher self knows it is there...i offered it to others who accepted it...i gave it to my human body still on the mat in the room below me...she was there and at peace...hands to the side...feet pointing out...a blanket over her middle...she was smiling...a tear rolls down the side of her face...she looked so beautiful...i felt very blessed to have that body and to know the human who is colleen...i felt a tenderness towards her...a sense of pride i suppose...at her goodness...her bravery...her tender heart...knowing she struggles and longs to be better and better but she must understand she is exactly how she needs to be and that is perfect within the imperfections...she is so loved...and i sent that love to her...and she accepted it...and then to the dear soul who brought her there i offered light and healing...her soul was shining so brightly it was hard to see her human form at that moment...then to others in the room...a woman behind me who's body was in pain...a friend down the street who was tired...i felt the i love you's still raining down...

i was called back into the body...i was rested and happy...i wiped the tears away and continued on through the class...feeling very at peace...i felt my body lighter and i felt the room full of calm and i felt so very humble and well...just stripped down into the simplicity of breathing and being...

~~~*~~~

so...a new day...it rains...the droplets tap the window...and with each drop i hear "i love you"...i hope if it is raining where you are you hear each drop say i love you...and i hope you feel loved...and then in that love be more loving...

i love you






Monday, December 5, 2011

flowers planted


darkness began to creep in just now...so i planted flowers...shimmering flowers of happiness...flowers leaped up from the acres of my soul...crowding the darkness out...giving myself a strong push towards loving kindness and gentleness with myself...denying the no's of self punishment...i am loved...and i am smiling...i am safe and all is as it should be...and i am amazing as i navigate these new days of my life...i so very much appreciate the person i am and the kindness my own soul offers up to me...i am very blessed to be me...and when the darkness comes i know that even more so...

lovely shimmering day to all...

dreaming thoughts

layers of longings crash through this cold room tonight..flying dragons of good fortune dodge angry little stingers of fear...my mind runs to the rescue and gives me a vision of stars smiling...a quiet apparition of you hovers there--low in a gentle valley...

i am dancing on the damp bluegrass, a wild-eyed girl of happiness...ready to lick the creamy saucer of pleasure...honeysuckle sweetness heavy on the vine...the air sighs with the sway of my dance...

come on...forget the slow turns of life...the ache of heartbreak dissolves in the warm breeze here...your stars give you your signs now...unhinge the heavens with me and let’s rip the night apart....

ohhh the smooth skin of a womanly night! cant you taste her? we can groove to the sultry music of wine-drenched lips draped across the thickening hours of passion...with the drumming hips and the driving base beat...with hands gliding...we are braver than we both have ever been...soul reaching into the sacredness of the other...fears burning away in the heat of our breaths...

slide with me along this slippery slope...i will take you places you have never been...burn baby burn in the crimson of yourself and fan the flames with me tonight... pounce upon the chance to sing this song... dont let it stay trapped inside your throat...sing with me...dance with me...within this world i have made for you tonight...

Sunday, December 4, 2011

the temple


the old brick temple has been swept away in waves of laughter and delight...now there is golden sunshine flooding my days...rays of light lasering in on tired places...spirals of dancing energy creating a new structure for myself...the old patterns and worn tapestry of  life are gone...new weaving has begun...rich colors and subtle textures...layers in harmony...a visual poem rising up...my temple is one of happiness...walls of flowers and a ceiling of stars...a sanctuary for others to come to...i am at home within myself now...

Saturday, December 3, 2011

shaman mask: ghost moondancer


                                                                  acrylic on paper

Friday, December 2, 2011

morning journey



great journey this morning...i was surrounded by feathers and the sounds of flight...taken to the upper world...was at the mouth of a cave in the himalayan mountains...my new guide...a tibetan oracle...was there and sitting on a small stool...there was no sound in this place...i was all the way awakened and filled with deep compassion...i came to the oracle and sat at his/her feet...oracle lifted a hand and gave me a symbol for endurance...for use in the harnessing of my body's wellness energy to channel into productivity, creativity and the stamina to achieve what i will call upon myself to do...it is exciting to be given this refocus to my life...i feel like a puppy again this morning...very in wonder of each new moment...full of love and mischief making...so here i go into this new day...sun shining inside of me and outside the door...happy day... 

Thursday, December 1, 2011

JOHN ♥ YOKO


they were best friends...equals...i remember them on the dick cavett show calling strangers and simply saying "hello, i love you"...they met at yoko's art show in london...john climbed a ladder in her installation piece and saw the word yes on the ceiling...i love that they danced in public and had the same passionate peaceful beliefs...i love that they loved each other so much...

love

to stay aware when life gets difficult is a gift...to stay aware of my own needs and caretake myself through hard times is a blessing to my own humanity...an honoring of life itself...to be compassionate to my painful struggles is a loving kindness as much as if i offer it to another as they struggle...to open myself up and be exposed perhaps is a challenge but in doing so i offer myself a way out of suffering and become a greater healer of the world's suffering...to love myself deeply is to love the world deeply...for the only thing which separates me from another person is a physical body...we are all one in spirit...

this morning i felt this oneness...i felt my own soul...it was warm inside me...growing outward in all directions as i meditated on the most delicate and beautiful word...love...and i felt the oneness...i felt my soul sweep out and wrap everyone in love...i felt a lonely woman houses away...i felt a sick man taking a deep breath as my soul drifted near...i felt the trees and the grass and the molecules of water in the clouds...i felt an infants soft heartbeat and the racing heartbeat of a mouse beneath brown oak leaves...i felt the pulse of the world...billions of heartbeats...trillions of veins of blood pulsing through all those vulnerable bodies which are the temples of their souls...and i was profoundly humbled...

in the dark room i was in my soul reached out and weaved itself around the world...adding to the loving kindness we all need to give and receive...in loving myself i also can love others with a greater depth than i have ever known...in sending love i received it back so easily...i feel loved this morning...not alone...not broken at all...i feel whole...i feel complete...i feel accepted...i feel worthy to be loved...i feel sacred...i feel blessed to have this morning and to be more fully who i was born to be...

i love you...

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

was thinkin about bobby at one in the morning...



yes he does more than dont worry be happy...beautiful music...an awesome ave maria...by the sea is another fav of mine...check his work out on youtube...makes me happy...such a good soul...

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

some days...









some days it hurts so much to be in this world...this world where i dont fit...where so little makes sense...where i try so very hard to be "normal" and yet i am not...i stood listening to a man talk about trips with his wife...where they bought african masks...and i could have just stayed there listening to his stories all day...i lost myself for a moment at another point watching a sad young man count out change for a drink...down to his last pennies he didnt have enough and i walked by and put in his hand a five dollar bill even though i am semi broke...i just wanted to give him the happiness of the drink...i connected with them because they are me...

and i got sad today...i got sad because the world around me felt sad today...there was this edge to everything and everyone today...a thorny edge of unhappiness...and i was a part of it...

i could have easily climbed into that unhappy world but i didnt...instead i looked at my photographs of nature...of waterlilies...they make me happy...they make me feel "normal" in my own little world...they connect me with peace and harmony...

of all flowers the waterlilies make me feel like...well...even if i may not belong anywhere i belong to them...they are my kindred...they will always be kind to me...never judge me...send me beautiful soul energy...and out in the world this is not a normal thing to think of waterlilies...but in my world...a world where a man talking about a trip or a thirsty young man without money or a stranger who looks my way and smiles...well they are waterlilies too...they just dont know it...and they make me happy too...

a warrior's heart

(as an artist i always put myself out there...in the images and words i create...they sometimes take me off a cliff or simply set me high on a mountain...they can out me as a lover of women or show the deep rooted spiritual love i have for all...i let people into my inner world in a way that to me is vulnerable but not dangerous...you are not close though you receive many of my closest thoughts...yet in life i have become more cautious and stopped risking so much upon the Altar of Love...

so i struggle with feelings and yet wade in all the same...hoping to learn to swim finally...tired of drowning...i think i am close to learning so much about love and being open to it...learning a healthier approach...how can an artist not love...it is the blood of art...it keeps the creative force alive...it is who i am...i dont know how to stay in my shell for long and play it safe...i need to write and paint and put myself out there into it all...into the messy parts of life...into the painful places...and into the passionate ones as well...especially the passionate ones...

i write these next lines with such a kind heart towards my struggles to open up...to the opening of a new way of navigating myself...i have come to an ending of the long war within me...i am now ready to surrender to my tender years...with less heartache and more peace...and as the old temple i built has fallen into ruins...i will build a new temple to love and make my home there...in peace...with passion...full of happiness...

so here is my love poem to myself...perhaps it will touch the tender place in you...for so many of us wander the battlefield when all we had to do was walk away from the war we waged against our own happiness...)


its in the slide of your hand...in the arch of your back...in the sigh of your hips...

its in the words you have swallowed...yet they rise up again...the oh god i love her thundering under your skin...

its all in the curve of your ear where a tongue could dance...

its in the pounding your heart takes fighting your own fears...

its in the tight muscles of    i    want    her    lips    right    there...its in the panting of your fingers as you imagine her...right...there...

its in the slam of these words...in the barbed wire of these lines...

its in the wrecking ball hitting your wall of resistance...its in the crash of all your defenses...

its in the flash flood of your tears...its in the narrowing of this year...

its in the stillness of your nest...

its in the secret held too close it might be crushed to death...

its in the wishful stars that fill your eyes...it is in the fall of the armor now too heavy to bear...

its in the end to the war inside of you...


the battles are done...your feelings escape...your body sighs as you surrender to Love...the only way a warrior knows how...with courage...

Saturday, November 26, 2011

lost soul...

night comes to carry me off...sweeping me up in a rush of wings and air...in the gulp of sky i am swallowed whole...lost in movement and the roar of wind...i am a blur of energy shifting into a new me of feathers and empty bones...i am a raven snatching at currents...dipping a wing and collapsing from the sky...broken on the ground...without a sound...shedding this last chance...walking into the woods...wandering...searching...for my place to be...turning around inside of me...a lost soul climbing a tree...looking out at the tops of the pines swaying...stars coming close to my touch...i am unafraid to lift off and float away...i have nothing to lose and all the world to gain...free to become...

Friday, November 25, 2011

rememberance


love remains

simple words i tell myself this morning

you are taught what you seek to teach...

you are loved as much as you are willing to risk loving...

your mind can create your outward world...create a beautiful world...

do not walk away from your core values or the temple of your soul will collapse...

wrong actions have wide ripples of suffering...right actions have infinite ripples of healing the world of suffering...

when tears come allow them to cleanse and not burn away your heart's happiness...

pray for others and let it be sent pure and with a sacred strength of profound and fierce love...

do not lie to yourself about anything...ignorance is a destroyer...

do not give in to the “norm”...often the norm is a lazy shortcut which never arrives at a happy destination...

your limitations are only there because you lack imagination and carry an abundance of fear...the cure for this is daydreaming followed by joyous action...

feel you are hated and you become a hateful person...

be honorable and do well with all you do...dishonor right actions and you will always fail...
never ration love towards others or use it for self gain...
above all be kind...

Thursday, November 24, 2011

why did the turkey cross the road?



duh...to get away from her family!...so remember this thanksgiving do not run out into traffic to escape the craziness...simply treat your family like a reality tv show and give yourself commercial breaks...a bottle of wine in the guest bathroom is always a good way to escape...and if you have a family you dont want to escape from then count your blessings and give them a big hug!...gobble up the good day in your expand-o-pants and play well with others...oh and no fighting over the parson's nose!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

yatra

i am moving away
from the cravings
and the distractions
of a crowded mind

i am crossing the smooth waters
away from the debri strewn shore--
into expanding contentment

my breath creates clarity
as each ripple of the water
chants against my body

the journey is the destination
the journey is the lesson
the journey is my home

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

finding my way home...

rain taps on the window...my coldness sinks to the bone...i miss arms around me...i navigate this night alone...it traps me in my mind...it seeks to unhinge my heart...it snarls and snatchs at me...it wants to bury me in the dark...but this is where i stop and pray...hold myself...rock myself to sleep...a soft lullaby hums...a nest is built...i am inside...i am safe...i am held by unseen arms...cradled and held so lovingly...i know i am worthy...i know my heart is not jaded and closed...i know i will not be nesting alone...starlight is all around me...flooding me with hope...drying up all the tears that fall...reaching to touch my face...a sky of stars smile upon me...i feel this amazing grace...i am loved and all is well...i will survive this moment and dream my peace-filled dream...

brian

my brother brian would have been 48 today but he only made it to 17...and yet he is in every one of my days...i can hear his laughter...it shook his whole body... and how his eyes would always fill to the brim with tears before spilling down his freckled cheeks...i remember his hands...they looked like mine...i remember his elfish ways and the bounce of his walk up a dirt road...his long eyelashes...the "biscuit" butt he was teased about...i remember his quick run and his green rubber boots...i remember his bravery of taking two shots of insulin a day...i remember his quiet moments when he didnt feel well...i remember his clothes because we use to share them...i miss him and always see him with his arms spread wide to give a big bear hug...and the love lives on and in me and in everyone he knew...i so love his beautiful spirit and am grateful for having him around me...hugging me...helping me get to the light and the love even when i dont feel it at times...i am so blessed to have been born his big sister...i miss you bri bri...  

Monday, November 21, 2011

when she dreams of the rainforest


one of my acrylic on canvas paintings

a shell of one's own


some days i wake up feeling like i just need a shell over me...to protect me and to hide out...as if i show so much of myself and who i am is too far out there for people to relate to...this morning is like that...i am tired and need to do so much and yet all i want to do is curl up in some safe nest and just be with myself...center...find my footing and walk out into it all again...but there is no time for this...instead i will take a few minutes and say my prayers, meditate on loving kindness and then take on my to do list...it is a grey monday with the sun so far away...the crows and seagulls are loud this morning...it is cold here and my feet keep telling me this...i feel tender towards myself and will hug myself often today...encourage myself...let this little human know in her is a great spirit of love and all is well...all is as it should be...i am grateful to know this...i will continue to place my trust in the knowing...and i will love myself and others better...may we all have abundant peace today and feel the infinite flow of love...

Sunday, November 20, 2011

she is of the earth...



she is of the earth...moving along in silence...hooded...
serpentine in her thoughts...
weaving in and out of her knowing...
becoming fuller to herself...
emerging from the woods
with eyes shining golden like birch leaves...




Saturday, November 19, 2011

love is the answer to everything...





one of my favorite thoughts is "love is the answer to everything"...it sings through my heart often...when i feel grumpy or get off track into wrongful thinking those words leap up...when i am tired and feel a little down they tickle me and make me smile...they play like wind chimes in my soul...they are as wide as a sky of clouds and yet can be found in the breath of a baby sleeping...i am so grateful to love and be loved...it is the marrow of life...it is the greatest part of our human experience here on this miracle of a planet...may we all love better with each day...


Friday, November 18, 2011

IZallG00D


i think i became an adult the first time i bought toilet paper for myself...yep that was the marker...and this was also the year the boss chewed me out for a screw up and maybe this was when i started caring what people thought of my "job performance" and my "life performance"...when life began to suck and not in a good way...working long hours and go go go...sour grape relationships shrivelling on the vine...did you hear that!?...that deep voice of authority?...be an adult and act accordingly"...meaning step into the rat race we call the mainstream and be a good worker drone...but then the older and wiser me is saying no way girl...dont listen to the sour grapers and bossy monkeys...why did you ever give a rats arse what any of them thought...where did it get you?...are these people in your life even...no...duh...

so i gave myself an awesome freakin present today...i am done buying toilet paper...well figuratively...though if i asked for toilet paper for the holiday gift giving maybe my stocking would be stuffed full and i could shop for it much less...tangent...so here is the thing...i am a grown up but outside the box...i may not please you but i rock my own world...you may not get me but i dig me...shake a finger at me and i may just pull it...then you will have to deliver on your sh*# talk...oh and you know with the whole job/life performance thingy...i got it going on where it counts and that is a whole other kind of performance...so no worries sour grapers...i will leave you alone...trust me...i am a whole different fruit growing succulent in the sun...

happy maple sending love and happiness

(click on images to make them larger)

tickling the oak leaf

playing hide and seek in the clover

a smile of colors

a dance of watercolor

waiting to kiss the clovers

the rapture of red, sunlight fed

red vibes sending waves of love and happiness 

can you hear them singing?

the soul of a tree shining brightly

and as the soul of the tree shines, i am made brighter too...

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

a mermaid writes a love poem...


i am the ecstatic dance of ocean against land...i am the poetry of water speaking in tongues...i am the reaching for you...i am the washing over you...the baptism of you into me...i am the mystery beneath the surface...sandcastles swoon and fall at my touch...seagulls worship me...the moon and sun rest upon me...stars kiss their light over me...so simply wade in...be braver than you have ever been...crash into me...run and leap and risk your life...i will hold you up...i will keep you safe...salty kisses and joy-charged tears await...the dolphins laughter will fill your ears...the whale song will heal your injured heart...i will give you a pearl ring and place a coral crown upon your head..and each new place we come ashore will be our home...for no matter where we are we are at home within each other... 

yes and yes and yes

yes...yes to me...yes to my life...yes to my ways...yes to the beat of my heart...yes to my strong hands...yes to my smiling eyes...yes to my free spirit...yes to the spark in the darkness...yes to the dance...yes to the good vibe...yes to standing firm...yes to the wait for the thoughts to evolve...yes to the sleep of peace...yes to the climb into the tree...yes to the dream...yes to the home i fly into...yes to the otherworld...yes to the wonderworld...yes to the sigh...to the sigh...to the sigh...yes to the me under my skin...yes to the wild wind...to the wild wind...to the wild wind blowing across the tree tops...yes to the stars reaching across to touch me...yes to the starlights flickering in the night...yes to the yes i feel in the way i feel...yes to love...to love...to love...to loving without holding but knowing...yes to having but not having...yes to love untwisted...yes to purity and to the refuge of my nest...yes to my happiness...yes to the brave warrior who runs towards her fears...yes to the yes of everything good and kind and gentle...yes to living in spirit...yes to laughter...yes to joy...yes to me...

arise fair sun...

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Wildly Into the Night

Night comes in the screams of a reckless wind--

Gasping over the land, shouting at my door, calling my soul out.

The reeds lining the cove groan and snatch at the air.

Like lashing sails, the waves tear free and smash against the rocks.

The wind tosses a bird caught in the cold breath of darkness.

Its body collapses, but a feather breaks free to finish the journey home.



My mind frames the memory of my great-grandmother standing in a storm--

Swallowing the wind, eyes filled with rain water, laughing at the sky.

I will endure my storm. I will stand in my wildness. I will survive this night.

a journey into the pain of my gallbladder attack

my side is on fire...a snake of pain crashing thru me...reaching up my throat and down into my leg...it is dark crimson and angry...it bites hard and turns the venom loose in me...the bloodstream carrying it into every corner of my body...every cell...and yet i see the snake and walk to it...are you my guide?...and it hisses against my mind...yesssssss...what do you have to teach me? what do i need to know?...and it smiles and sinks its fangs in again...and i grow weaker...hands are cold...eyes roll back...breath comes in pants...i am fading...my body falls away...i am in blackness...and i hear voices laughing...i hear voices that begin to pull me to them...they are happy people but i am not a person...i cant laugh with them...they dont know i am there...they are sitting down to thanksgiving...i feel hungry but i have no form...i am starving as they feast...

i hear another group and it is a birthday party and i see the mother hugging her children...i see the children playing...i want to be there and i am not...i am nowhere...

i am in a room of people and they are singing and trading gifts and telling stories...i want to give a gift and be a part of them but i am formless and can only feel and see...

and then i am back to the snake of pain...the crowding pain of this guide who still is hurting me...i feel the burning venom jolting and pulsing thru me...i feel the loneliness and desperation of this pain...i need to vomit and cant...i need to release this and yet it stays...

it bites down again...i am dizzy...my ears buzz...i cant move...it hisses at me and grows more intense within me...it tells me i want this...the pain stabs at my side and then it says i am poisoning myself...i am holding in the poison and releasing it into me...that i hold back words and actions and am making myself sick...my fears are destroying me...and then the snake turns into rope and is choking me...i am clawing at it weakly...giving up...and it asks me "do you want to die?"....and i say no...it says "do you want more from this life than you ration for yourself?"...and i said with tears coming "yes"...

it releases me and turns into a swan...it takes me up and carries me over a lake...places me on a warm sandy shore...strokes my forehead with its soft feathers...i feel loved...i feel myself...i look up at the brown eyes of the swan....she is kind...how can this be the same snake? the swan reads my thoughts and answers...she told me she becomes what i allow her to become...and so i understand...

i held back how i thought and felt and it made me sick...i expressed to her what i thought when she asked me questions and i felt better...and so i will go thru this day saying how i feel and if something bothers me i will not hold it in but talk about it or at least look at it within myself instead of just shoving it down and turning it in to poison...

~~~*~~~

later...and so i said how i felt about a painful subject a few minutes after this journey...my side was hurting and it was building into a gallbladder attack but once i said it the pain started releasing...i cried and it let go more...it was not easy to keep at it...to not hide the hurt but to show it and to even allow my hurt to turn to anger for a brief time...but in the end i came up with a solution to how i deal with the hurt and am standing up for my feelings and my perception of things...i dont want to just settle for crumbs in my life or to be treated like i am this person i am not...i am a good and kind person and deserve to be recognized as one...i deserve respect and to be trusted...i will not take into me what i am not nor will i hold my head down and accept a wrong judgement...i have self respect now and am walking through my days with self love and dignity...

Monday, November 14, 2011

streaming...

i am more than a cage of bones...more than a collection of cells...i am beyond your eyes...beyond my day to day...beyond the nuts and bolts...outside the box and ahead of the parade...i am found in the stuff of stars...in the big bang YES...i am all at once and at the same instant never at all...i am the fire in the belly of the earth...i am the cold breath of a fallen soldier...i am the thin notes of an owl in the distance...i am the scream of a motherless infant ...i am the stone trapped in the wheel...i am the dance of feathers from a clean shot...i am the polluted mouth of a bigot...i am the undressing woman in the dark...i am the whispered french pressed against your heart...i am the broken hand of a fist to a mouth...i am the whistle of wind through a busted window pane...i am the lost doll washed into the gutter...i am the last firings of the poet's brain...i am the spark of inspiration a painter has at midnight...i am the first kiss you give me too many days from now to guess...i am the roar of snow ripping at a worn coat...i am the curl of a child's hand in her daddy's fat paw...i am the laughter of a crazy as she gazelle leaps through the mall...i am the drunk's tears rolling down his clenched face...i am the old dog's slow rise to meet the sun's warm spot on the front porch...i am the i love you that echoes through the hills as someone shouts it to herself...i am the me you dont see in everything tonight...i am the me you look away from tonight...i am the me you push aside tonight...i am the me i hold tonight...i am the me i love tonight...i am the me i have to be tonight...i love myself tonight...i am loved in the night...i am loving me tonight...i am me and you dont know me tonight...i am alone tonight...i am free tonight...i am shedding my cage of bones tonight...i am flying high tonight...i am at home in this world of everything tonight... i am even in you tonight....