Tuesday, October 30, 2012

journey

 
snapped this shot at roger williams park during late summer...the summer of dragonflyers...came across it again last night and decided to save it for meditation and then a journey today...
 
should be a very interesting day...now that i see through the eyes of the dragonfly...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Sunday, October 28, 2012

dohiyi

 


i wrote a blog when i was in a deep place of sorrow last night...full of hurt...i stumbled through a twisted maze of heartache...no place to put all my disappointment at life lately...no place for it to go but down into me and make me sick...

i woke up this morning so much in sorrow i threw up til noon...a headache pounding me...i just could not shake the sadness...

the word dohiyi (cherokee word for peace) kept popping up...my friend karen wrote it on her arm in one of many playful moments and sent the image to me...karen who passed at 51...the treewoman...the elf king...a good person and loved by many...who struggled with her own stuff yet was generous and kind...who loved me even when i didnt feel lovable...i am so grateful for her teachings...i miss her...

i cant share the wounding of late...other than it is a repeated pattern from childhood...rejection...i set myself up for rejection again...i am taking responsibility for my part while sharing it with those others who rejected me...it is so incredibly painful and i am struggling to deal with it...to not shut down...it has changed me though...i will not be the same as i was...a wall is going up...it is the only way i know how to navigate this world any more...i had hope in something and now there is none...to surrender to this brokenness is atleast a relief...to no longer struggle...to let go...to break the rest of the way...and then to fill the brokenness with gold as they do in japanese pottery mending...

i am beautifully broken...i am beyond any more harm now...once you break all the way there is nothing left to harm...i am grateful not to be jaded...just broken...not depressed...not crippled...but simply filled with a tender sorrow...for myself...and for others...forgiving me for the person i am...forgiving them...

i am never going to be "normal"...i am an artist...a writer...i am a spiritual person who walks her own path to the beloved creator of all...in my own way...with conviction and reverence...and love for the natural world and for all sentient beings...i just wish i could belong somewhere in this world...i dont...the thud of  knowing this crashes in on me...

the harshness of it all is difficult...the harshness of what has just happened...the harshness of so much of life is difficult...yet i see beauty and grace and love as well...

i see a leaf for the first and only time fall from its home and land softly on the ground...i see a seal bob in the water...it looks at me as i look at it...and i feel its curiosity and cautiousness...i hear the sweet thin notes of a songbird singing so late in the season and pray for her safe trip to warmer places...i watch a hunched over older woman counting out change in the grocery line and my heart sends her love and healing light...and wishes for her to have enough to eat that evening...i watch a father toss a ball to a daughter...i see a cat crouch in waiting for some chase in the bushes...i smile at the storm clouds and whisper a prayer for all to be safe...i look at myself in the mirror and see kind eyes...

this is life...hurtful and not...i am here in it...breathing...full of flaws...full of light...falling short often...yet always moving towards understanding and enlightenment...imperfect yet in my imperfection i can see the flow of love accepting me in...just as i am...

i find peace in self-acceptance...all the words folks describe me as means nothing now...i know who i am...and i love me...i let go of the rest tonight...it is too painful to hold onto...the sorrow falls like leaves from a tree...the storms tantruming winds blow them far away...i am the bare boned tree now...roots deep...branches reaching up...still standing...

dohiyi...







joyful


a sky of soul

Saturday, October 27, 2012

i love trees

 
went to visit my weeping beech tree today...it has changed so much in just a couple of years...one large part broke off and now i have discovered another has broken...very lopsided...i have a feeling if the winds hit it just right it will topple over...and so i sat with it for a wee bit...talking to it...listening...patting the trunk...hugging it as i left...then i felt i needed to go back...sit...meditate...so i did...floating away into emptiness...it was a relief to have no thoughts...no hum...to blur and be still...it helped calm and smooth me out...
 
i love this tree...i relate to it...the wounding...and yet there it is still standing...scars carved into its skin...still living...growing...
 
i think of it tonight...how it smelled...how it felt under my hands...the kind energy...funny how i am around people and there is all this anger...all this snarling and complaining...yet trees never complain...never snarl...the wind snatches them and tears them to pieces and yet they stand...or not...they dont bemoan their lives...they simply are...until they arent...i admire their simple ways...well rooted in the earth yet they reach up to the stars in their thoughts...and...they reach into me...
 
 
 
 

Friday, October 26, 2012

to be one...




it has been an amazing year of lessons...learning to accept help from others...learning to stop pushing myself through days when i am not well...learning to relax and let go...even going to the hospital instead of riding out the pain was a big step forward for me...

at the beginning of the year i struggled greatly...the fear of living alone for the first time in decades kept growing in my mind...it is still a process of learning...to deal with my brain and math when it comes to banking and bills is a hard shift after so many years of letting another person handle it....i still feel a lack of confidence sometimes...

i also had a great fear of being alone...not alone with myself and my thoughts or physically alone...but it just feels untethered...like i am going to float away...i cant really articulate it...but it is not a comforting feeling...so i have had to learn to accept what is and when that feeling comes i let it be and send compassion to those feelings...

this past winter depression and feelings of suicide hit hard...it was for two teachings i know...one of my emotions and grief...of not dealing with grief from a view sources...so i climbed into the sorrow and let myself grieve finally...the other teaching from this time was a spiritual one...

i am an artist and a shaman and i see the world with natures sight...i see into things and feel and experience life in a different way than some...not good or bad...just different...i could go on about it but i am simply honoring and walking a different path to the same place we all end up...but to arrive at that place in me i had to let alot fall away or burn up...the depression was about the destruction of one structure so i could have the room to build a new one..one which functions well and works to serve humanity in a more efficient and constructive way...

this year has also been about transformation...infact it was the theme of this year...becoming and becoming more fully myself...as i have been for years but this year i surrendered to it...accepted it...and didnt hide it...now everyone knows how out there but hopefully loving i am...i do my best to walk the walk...i do fail at being compassionate and kind...but the cool thing about this dedicated path is when i am not in integrity and doing right it feels awful!...it is so uncomfortable to be judgemental and harsh...to say unkind words...to even think in a negative fashion...and i am so profoundly grateful to feel this discomfort when i begin twisting into this dysfunctional place within me...it means my heart has shifted...it means i am walking the path of compassion...

recently i was tested...and in the middle of a difficult day i was amazed at how much love i held for folks who were unhappy around me...i loved them...and felt concern for their unhappiness...my human side felt unhappy for me but my humanness and my soul felt their suffering and wanted to honor their struggle and to ease all our suffering...and as i felt this...as i experienced this...i saw the being behind each human...i saw my true self as well...and all i could do was be love and send love...what a very beautiful thing to have happen...

and i know as i step further onto this path of love and light i will feel even greater discomfort at negative intent or thoughts...i will shift my habits as a human and align them with loving kindness which springs from the inner world...

i see this world of struggles falling away daily...i see an acceptance and a flow to my life now...i am shifting...

i am nearly there...i know i am in the last stages of this big shift...something from a recent event in my life needs to be made right in my heart...and the sorrow of it needs to find healing...it is within me to heal it...i am in it alone this weekend to find this healing...to keep moving forward...not hide out and not slip back into old ways of punishing myself and letting it all fall on my shoulders...to heal this somehow in the next few days will ease great suffering and struggle...to not hold on to the sadness...to let it float away...softly sailing into the sky...

and i must say there is a tenderness to self healing...in looking at your wrong actions and not only taking the big step of claiming them but forgiving yourself for them...and then to look at others actions and to understand they do what they do often from not a place of conscious intent but from a place of their own suffering...forgiveness...in this powerful act comes great peace...releasing all that struggle...all the suffering in yourself...it is such a great gift to give yourself and the world...i am doing this and it is freeing...

i have found tremendous peace this year...in myself...and i then gravitate naturally towards those who are peaceful...

i woke up to bright sunshine and my own smile this morning...i woke up to hope...to peace...i woke up loving everyone and find great comfort in the immense love i have for all who suffer and for my own suffering...

when you at last know we are all one you can no longer hate what is in someone else...for it is in you too...my shadows of wrongful ways are the same as anothers...my light is the same as anothers...i am grateful to understand this now...to not push or pull at anything...but to flow with it and be compassionate...i have known this for awhile...but to surrender to it is a remarkable thing...to accept i have wronged and seek to do right...to understand others have wronged and to forgive...to surrender to what is...

to be peace
to be love
to be one

to open
to praise
to sing

to see
to touch
to breath

to be peace
to be love
to be one

Thursday, October 25, 2012

~♥~

 
i love trees reflected in still waters...a sepia pool with leaves and sunlight dappling it...this place i journey to before bed tonight...to sit and feel what i feel and let go...lifting myself up on gentle wings of love...embracing the goodness of my own open heart...celebrating the grace of the unseen which has eased my suffering...happy in knowing i am changing for the better...sweetly filled with compassion for others...soul deep joy singing through me...happiness rising up and spilling out...blessed by the beauty of this world...grateful...

to see everything clearly


one single moment
of seeing with your heart 
 and not your eyes
can transform your world
 
 
 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

forgiveness

forgiveness was the word i meditated on this morning...and put into practice...saying aloud events or people which have brought hard feelings my way...the weight of resentment falling from me...a smile coming as each forgiveness blossomed in my heart...unhappiness transformed...suffering removed...peaceful warmth entering the places where the cold stones had piled up to build my wall of resistance...holding love back from getting in...holding love back from getting out...but now even more love flows...more love radiates into me and back out...

it was beautiful to say it all out loud...a tender way to witness my own suffering and heartache...a kind and compassionate response rising up to greet each wounding...

these days arent easy lately...i have been unwell...but yet in my soul/my mind i have never felt so full of light and clarity...understanding more and more each day how to clear out my self created suffering so those particular ways of suffering...those patterns...do not reoccur...

it certainly isnt easy and some suffering still clings to me...but how wonderful to have this inner dialogue with myself...to claim what is my responsibility and return what is anothers part in this suffering...

we all have this immense inner place to take refuge and find an endless flow of love there or we find darkness to build a prison of torture for ourselves and destroy all the greenness within us...i am choosing to end my suffering so i bring more compassion into the world...more consciousness...more peace...

it is as simple as making compassion and kindness such a natural reaction to each moment there is no thought towards the negative...the destructive...the sorrowful creation of suffering in myself and in the world...




be light...be love...be peace...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

golden climb...

 
my eyes climb high into the golden cloud of leaves.
my soul sings and sways in the church of trees.
i am awakened by the miracle of nature--
by the miracle of me.
 
alive...everything...
every moment...
never to be repeated....
yet an endless resurrection.
 
dying from this day...
reborn into the next.
 
impermanence
and infinity
in each breath.
 
 
~*~

in peace...



my suffering rushed at me last night and stayed for awhile...but i kept it company with compassion and love...i was at a friends house and was simply too sick to drive home...so i stretched out in the guest room on a sweet little bed that makes me feel like a kid...blankets layered and pillow tucked...curled up like a wee chipmunk...pain shooting through my body from an unhappy ovary and digestive system...

sleep was not going to come so i let myself have a dialogue with the pain...treating it as a person...what is making you so unhappy? i asked my stomach area and side...what is upsetting you? the answers tumbled out as fast as the tears came to my eyes...

stress...stress at being in this world...stress of money...stress of others dysfunctions coming up against my stuff...stress of "getting it all right"...stress of always waiting for the other shoe to drop...stress...

it is nothing new...i know this about myself...i sometimes get so anxious about things i get stuck in the muck of it all...not moving into any action but retreating and hiding out...right now i am fighting very hard to not hide out...from my own suffering and literally from the world...artists can get very isolated any way but i certainly can spiral into it easily...and right now i am working through a huge issue around trusting others so i am definitely in flight mode but not giving in to it...

stress at the world is simply the sorrow i feel at the suffering of the world...i dont like christ's saying "the poor will always be with us"...i find this to be something that doesnt have to be if folks shared what they had and helped each other...were loving and in their true nature which is a generous and kind nature and cooperative...but folks get twisted and lost in their twisting away from their true selves and so conflicts come...and unhappiness...but i must not be attached to outcome in my thoughts...i cant save the world or motivate others to save themselves or the world...each person must want peace and to end suffering...all i can do is offer compassion with no attachment to the outcome...the world will either choose to step into the flow of love...one by one...or not...

stress of money was another part of it last night...trying to deal with hospital debt and more doctors visits...well who doesnt feel stress about money these days i told myself...yep i havent been able to do much lately because of the pain and fatigue...but this will pass...and i stay positive...and keep doing...and keep moving forward...

next stress...i recently came up against others "stuff" with my own stuff...my stuff being trust issues and trust in them got damaged...which is my lesson and i must go through it and come out the other side with even more understanding and peace for myself and others...not easy but i have made a sincere and loving commitment to overcome this dysfunction in myself...yes i have huge trust issues but i know if i free myself of this suffering i free myself in a ripple effect of so much more...and so much good will flow that has been kept away from me...

"getting it right" and "the other shoe dropping" comes from my childhood and times of great anxiety when i was surrounded by alot of adult dysfunctions...recently i went through a thing that would have crippled me in the past...it would have had me beating up on myself and feeling like it was all my fault...but this year i am witnessing my own transformation...not completely transformed yet but wow have i grown and evolved and found my way back to the garden again...the anxiety that comes when i am around angry people isnt the big trigger it use to be...being around someone drunk or high doesnt trigger me as much but hey who wouldnt be bothered by the falsehood of someone popping pills or whatever...


i looked inward last night and loved myself through all of this...offering advice...calming the anxiety and panic...giving a teaching to myself about "wise selfishness"...breathing in and out and letting my gut unclench...bringing in the pure light of healing and love...how beautiful to do for yourself i said to myself...feeling a softening and comfort in this...feeling a tenderness and compassion i am learning to give to myself...

and then i saw the green of love grow...i saw peace become my blanket...i rested in my buddha nature...safe in the light of christ...held in the grace of the unseen...surrendering...letting go...believing the soft beat of my heart when it said "i am...i am...i am..."

sleep came and dreams and more teachings in my dreams...but i woke this morning emptied out of the stress and looking into a room full of sunshine...knowing all is as it should be and everything in my day is filled with grace and love...

Monday, October 22, 2012

 
 
each day is a leaf dancing away upon the swift waters of time...enjoy the dance...
 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

climbing into nature today


tunes and sunbeams and a ride into the country to hike and hug trees...climbing into nature...climbing into myself...climbing into the universe...transforming worries and suffering into in-light-in-ment...exciting to know what i am coming to understand...and exciting to know there is more and more to know...peace...joy...and good tunes to everyone today...

the drumming log


about five years ago now i discovered the drumming log...washed up on shore by a big storm...and as each storm has come and gone i wonder if i will find it there again...i straddle it and drum...with sticks or my hands...enjoying the solidness of it...its presence...a reassuring sound lifting up from its body...

i look out at the water...the waves hugging rocks the seagulls and cormorants are perched on...the surroundings misty at times and other times clear...the sky robin egg blue with lost little clouds wondering by me...and there i sit with the drumming log...

occasionally someone stops nearby me to listen while other folks come closer to make contact...a simple "nice day" comment or maybe a "that looks like fun"...and i will encourage people to drum but mostly children have taken me up on it...

yet i drum...i drum for peace...i drum for calm...i drum for love...sometimes i drum to connect with my playful nature...and i drum for the happiness the log and i share...how sweet to simply be with each other...friends visiting...



these days the drumming log is more worn...it has shifted abit...but it is still there...still holding a gentle spirit of sound...good company...always ready for some lovely conversation...

Saturday, October 20, 2012

in green places

 
every day i can i go out into nature and let myself take in the wide view of things and then narrow in...find the smallest thing and be with it...i am this small thing in this great forest of life...
 
 
and when i do this i have a level of surrender i do not experience even in the best meditative states...the oneness of my being with everything takes hold as easily as slipping a hand in a glove...i fit into the order and the harmony of nature...yet in the world of cars and concrete i find disharmony and disorder...yet there is where i must "fit" as well...
 
i have struggled with fitting...for years i let the world of chaos in...i let other peoples confusion into me, i let the nonsense of anger and dislikes stir in me a cauldron as well...wrong actions polluted me...ego snatched up as many acres of my inner world as it could...i became twisted and unhappy...i lost so much of the greenness of my youth...
 
yet in a far off corner of my inner world green things still grew...and they would call to me...come colleen...come here to the altar of love...kneel...surrender...humble yourself...grow the green years back...
 
the small corner would call but i would shut it out...to go there would mean to be vulnerable...it then would mean an outward change...letting others see my wounds...it would mean trusting...it would mean opening the shut gates of my heart...
 
yet the green corner would not be killed off...it stayed and patiently called to me...and slowly i moved towards it...and at last i let go and touched the green...and there was where my healing truly began...in the moment of surrender...
 
this year the green is overtaking all those dark parts...all those lonely acres of ego...what was barren is now thick with flowers and songbirds and cool springs of water...there are paths i walk inside of me which lead me to a comforting nest or a mound of moss...a gentle brook to sit by or a cave to curl up and sleep...i have trees to climb and berries to pick...i have animals to walk with and the sky to watch in her endless dance of change...i have a home...within...
 
and as i rebuilt my home within i started rebuilding my life on the outside...speaking up for myself...standing up for myself...removing the oppression of depression from my heart...activating my rational mind...letting my calm spirit lead my way...taming the wild parts of ego...lifting up my heart to meet my souls rhythm once again...in step with the rightness of actions and moving away from the wrongness of actions...seeing the missteps of my past and choosing a different path...
 
i ended up in the hospital this summer...and it was one of those moments in life that makes you look at your life and what the heck you have been doing to deny yourself happiness...i was in a hospital bed so vulnerable and exposed...run down...in pain...being pumped full of antibiotics which were making me sick...and at one point i looked out the window and saw the beautiful ash tree keeping me company...i remembered another hospital room three years before...my friend karens ICU room...no tree for that treewoman to look at...my heart sank at this...and then her voice in a memory of those horrible days reached out to me...in her fading voice she said "i see green everywhere"...i remember my response "yes...i know...isnt it beautiful"...and i remember her soft smile and her head settling back onto the pillow...
 
and in my hospital room...just at that very moment the sun shot through the tree and green was everywhere...karen was smiling in on me...and i have felt the green...it has been growing and growing in me...transforming me...healing me...opening my heart...
 
i am transforming...spiritually mutating...becoming a different person than i was before...smiling even at the thought of wishing to "fit in"...i am in...i belong to everything...it was never about fitting in...it was about something else...
 
it was about being uncomfortable with the lack of green...in myself and others...and in this shortage comes the suffering...and what is the green after all but love...
 
i saw this at play recently...the lack of greenness with the rising river of anger and resentment...in myself and others...i felt my own greenness receding...i saw others in a rushing flood of resentment and anger and i simply did not allow it to drown me...and as i was sitting there hearing their voices and feeling the force of their words i simply and lovingly kept to the green path of my own world of love...those hours were hurtful in a human heartfelt way but i felt the rise of spirit and the beauty of love transform every moment...
 
afterwards i have been processing and seeing the love of it...the goodness of beings and letting go of the ego...it is hard...the old me wants to react...wants to run away infact...wants to self punish...take in the harsh words and hurt myself with them...wants to destroy my greenness...but...ahhhhhh...that shift is happening...i have reached that inner tipping point i hope the world will reach...i am on the side of light and peace and love...i am not going to be in peoples dysfunctions with them...or let their dysfunctions ooze all over me...i dont want to be cheated any more...i want their goodness around me...their peacefulness...i deserve it and the world needs it...i deserve loving kindness and to be around others as they are kind and loving...
 
when the dalai lama speaks it is as if a river of peace flows...i want to be a river of peace flowing...connecting with other rivers...to fill the ocean of the world with peace...to fill every heart with peace...this morning i am learning and becoming...a small spring flowing is learning to be a river...
 
i am blessed to be in the green places...growing...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Friday, October 19, 2012

going into the green


green stillness...pure ribbons of light...the lungs taking in cool damp air...eyes fill with tears of gratitude...palms up in prayer...soul lifting...the heart a drumbeat...bare feet connecting with mother earth...mother sending peace into every cell of my body...i stand in my home...

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

buddha and jesus and me and others and everything...




i have a deep respect for the teachings of the buddha and of christ...love and compassion is the way...selfless giving...loving without distraction...radical responsibility...being kind...standing in integrity...meeting others where they are...self sacrifice...i am drawn to the teachings of both and find this in no way conflicting teachings...they both give me great peace and unfold the love in my heart for myself so i may love others...

sometimes in life i have been called a martyr because i tend to sacrifice more and am seen in a victim stance in doing so...and this i find odd but it is the culture we live in which puts self above all...

i see self and other as one in the same...what i do to myself i do to all...what i do to another i do to myself...if i do good or ill i do them to myself and to the world...i have known all along i have been not a martyr but something else...not a victim but something else...and now i know...i am a bodhisattva...i have edged up to this for years...now i step into this robe and begin walking this path more clear-minded and accepting...

i have been accused of seeking drama and yet my heart has said no to this as well...i do not seek drama...but i am willing to walk through doors and stand in the midst of "drama"...stand in the midst of anothers suffering...stand and do my best to be compassionate and loving and kind...even as my human ego has struggled to move away from these virtues and i have failed...even as i have stumbled and created confusion in myself and others...i still seek to do good and to be happy...

i have this inner voice...this place of refuge...this prayerful garden...and in this place is the voice of the unseen coming through me...saying...be still...i am here...feel this sacredness...be respectful of creation...love...sit in your true nature and send light...

so i finally come out of the closet today in a way...one of these wonderful things i get to mark off my un-do list the owl guide has given me...to state to myself yet openly i am on a path and have been...and it is a simple thing and one i wont repeat...but in saying it and in doing i am made freer...i am free of the struggle to educate others and myself as to why i am different...i am free of being reactionary when another uses words to put me down or pigeon hole me without knowing my heart...i am free to walk through my days as who i am and not feel pressured to bend or push or force myself to fit in...there is no need to fit in...i am in...i am already a part of everyone and everything...there is no fitting in when you finally accept this...i simply made myself an outsider by the uncomfortableness of my own unagreeable actions or anothers...

there are times i have engaged in things just to be a part of a group or to be in someones life...and i would afterwards feel so unhappy...but today i get to be me...and find peace in this...no reshaping who i am to fit into the mold of a group or an activity...i get to be me...and be happy...

i sigh it all out of me...the struggle...the hurt...the longings...and breath in the vitality of oneness...the healing...the fullness of being...

i am not only at peace with myself and everyone...but i am in peace with myself and everyone...and i am happy...



owl teaching


this beautiful owl came to me on my birthday...along a country road in conneticut...back then i wondered what she was looking at in the trees across from her...but another part of me knew i was not ready to see all of what the owl sees...this owl asked alot of me that day and in the weeks since...every day i have showed up for my teachings...surrendering to what has been asked of me...there was a day i didnt want to show up for any of it but i knew how important it was to be there and sit and surrender...

i went to maine on a personal retreat to reach into myself deeper...owl was with me...

last night i opened myself up completely to prayer and a journey to the owl and let myself see as the owl...what i was shown was difficult but i accept it...i was taken back through this year...the unhappy times and the great struggle to learn to be alone...the self doubt...the loneliness...the simple day to day of learning to live single again...the reconnection to myself...

in my journey owl took me to a woodland and placed it all before me...all my right and wrong actions of this year...all my poor choices and good ones...i had to look at others and how they treated me well and not well...it was difficult to sit with...yet scenes were replayed and i looked...

i have changed in many ways since the beginning of this year...the person i was is not the person i am...though some may still see me as i was (depressed and needy) and treat me in kind...i know i have changed...more self assured...with self respect and immense love and caring for myself...owl was there encouraging me to embrace the happiness of this...and a great part of me is very happy...

the owl gave me a list of things to do...some will be easy...others i dont want to go through or do but will...it will be for my best and highest good...this i already know...

one lesson owl showed me was one of easy flight...to have both wngs working on each side of myself carries me through my days with ease...both sides of me balanced...with no balance i will not fly...and without flight there is no hunting and feasting...

so much came to me last night...those deep places unearthed and so raw i cant share them...

there has been immense disappointment in others lately...and yet other folks have been continually kind and decent...i am left with the urge to hide out and stay alone again...but that is a horrible spiral i dont like...yet there it is...back to that same spot of not trusting others...feeling as if this time i will become jaded and enter into the world i see others live in...of isolation and twistedness...twisting away from my true nature and falling into a pattern of loneliness which would stretch out into the years...

but owl showed me i must go into places i am afraid to go in this world...be around others...trust even as i am screaming in my head to not trust...reach out...

now to the un-do list it has given me...it is a long one...

she showed me so much i feel like i am on overload this morning...not in a bad way but it is difficult to be in pain and still function on these inner and outer levels...yet here i am with such a good teacher and a gentle guide...here i am doing my best and feeling as if i am at peace with where i am...not jaded or selfish or discouraged...but ever hopeful it is working out as it needs to be to get me where i should be...i trust in this if nothing else...this holding pattern isnt easy...but i am patient and curious to see what is coming at me...it is good and kind and will benefit me...this i trust in...

owl and i sit and wait together for what is out there...soon we will see it and soon we will feast...






Tuesday, October 16, 2012

DANG!


you know there are those certain songs or musicians who put you right smack dab back into your happy place...indigo girls does this for me...road trip crooners i use to call them...and i lovvvve road trips...singing in the car and finding greasy diners...blowing bubbles out the car window on a twisty back hills barely-a-road road!...

today i am doing a massive fall cleaning and letting myself let go...i mean let go!...i have been getting so uptight...not expressing anything that has wounded me and yet there it sits festering and making me sick...my body so much in pain again it almost landed me in the hospital...

this country is one big stinking mess of crazy folks...the big holiday feeding frenzy is coming...and the tipping point is getting ready to tip...it is all building...the perfect storm...i want my head on tight and i want my heart full...i want my soul ready and my mind rational but free of struggle...clear in my intentions and focus...not twisted into other folks dysfunctions...entities flung away from me the moment they pop up with their confusion...no room for polluted ways from myself or coming at me from others...

exciting times and challenging...saw it recently...in 3-D...everyones crazy stuff and saw my own...and an energy wanting all of us to fail...to be consumed by ego's smoke and mirrors...was powerful to watch a pack mentality form and tear down someone...or try to...dazzling really...for a feminist and a shaman to watch it all...to see the configuration and see it build and build and then the release...should i have laughed at it or cried...or just sit and let it wash over me...to let it wash over me but not let it in...so i wouldnt get washed away...to hear and let my rational mind deal with it...with an open heart...present...

now though i have spent time dealing with the wound of it...making me sick...infecting me...parts got in...but i am letting go today...in this quiet apartment...this living tomb...this silly "now" i have created for myself and dont enjoy....

in letting go the old tired crap will die and be fertilizer for my new ways...the ways which have been coming with dragonfly and owl and tree medicine...with drumming and prayers...with seeing my life and everything and everyone as sacred and worthy...that it isnt about creating a sacred space or circle but knowing everything is sacred and full of wonder...so why treat any moment with disregard or in a miserable manner...

i am getting it all the way in me...i have certainly let the bad stuff in long enough...now to allow the good to flood into me...i built a dam of earthly sorrow to keep the light from reaching in...today i pull the structure away and let the flood of light fill me to the brim...

 
its all good..now...


Monday, October 15, 2012

the bliss of a tree hug

 
a tree behind the mill i got to hug today....such a sweet hug...one i needed...its arms wide open...the rough skin rubbing up against my cheek...it was beautiful to connect with it and the others today...
 

Sunday, October 14, 2012

a dream...a teaching

dreamed one of those deep dreams that come up from the ocean of soul...i was a monolithic whale making my way upwards to the ceiling of my sky...closer and closer to the surface of knowing...capturing mouthfuls of enlightened thoughts on my way up...filling the cold channel of water with waves of song...letting go...weightless...momentum building....at last there...piercing through my sky into the heavens...rising from one cold dark world into a shimmering world of stars and night air...breathing in...a moments glance at another layer of truth before tipping to the side and sliding back under...

awake now...to rise up into the day...moving from one world into another...my soul singing...a journey through the ocean of my hours...to find and briefly touch the heavens from time to time...breathing in...surrendering...breathing in...surrendering...

Saturday, October 13, 2012

gentle rocking

 
the trip to lubec maine seems so long ago now...but i am still thinking of the days walking alone in the woods and along the stretches of beach...eagles seals and seagulls all around me...a lone porcupine waddling across the road...a fox in the barrens...a kingfisher hovering over the lip of still lake...trees soaked to the bone...spider webs heavy with rain...rose hips full and inviting...pebbles tumbling in the tides...endless impressions...the cold nestled against me....countless moments of breathing in and out and hoping for calm to take hold...in mourning over what i thought i had with others but what real is...prayer and fasting...drumming and meditation...talking to strangers and eating pie in diners...seeing familiar folks and places...standing by the waters edge lost in a long trail of thoughts...tears welling up and sinking down into me...i have done my best and i have done my worst i said aloud...and still you have loved me god of everything...palms up...surrendering to the unseen...accepting my shortcomings...celebrating my ways...falling in love with myself finally...reaching out to the light beyond the grey day...saying no to the darkness...and loving...even when i wanted to be selfish and run away...hide out...build a fortress...instead i drifted into love...without distraction...alignment with the divine...walking gently on the mother...smiling as the fog crawled in over me and the world...at peace then...

tonight in this apartment i climb onto my futon...my wee boat of dreams...and let myself drift off into the vast ocean of love...with a ceiling of stars over me...i am happy...blessed be... 

Friday, October 12, 2012

drumming on sacred ground


in the swamp the sacred spirits dwell...speaking to me from pools of water and mossy green...in leaves drifting down from tall trees loving verses are written....in the songs of birds and frogs life is praised...mushrooms lift their heads slowly through the earth in silent meditation...my drum speaks strongly here...and all of nature leaps up to dance...

Monday, October 8, 2012


i drummed today...at anawan rock...it is a place i simply needed to be...a huge puddingstone surrounded by swamp on three sides...i went into the swamp and drummed for an hour...drumming for loved ones, for the planet, for those i have had sadness with lately...i drummed for forgiveness and to forgive...i thought of others and their suffering...i drummed for healing...i drummed for my own healing...

unravelling very complicated emotions today...feeling a great sense of loss...yet there is the light of love and it shines into me and is there for others...i feel good about this...knowing it...feeling it...sadness not overtaking me...simply there...and love expanding...pushing darkness away...

these are dark times...they pour through our days like a sludge of crude oil...thick...coating everything...yet this darkness stops at the edge of light...it cant reaching me any more...it doesnt gain access...i am very happy for this...to know i can live a conscious life with an open heart...i can feel sadness over a situation or a person and yet radiate love as easily as i inhale and exhale...

it is a peaceful center i have now...it is a calmness...there is untwisting...there is love...so much of it...

i sat in a circle of women and sent love out...i stood in a crowd today and sent love out...i am alone tonight and yet send out love across the ocean and right into my own self...

love is smoothing out my rough edges...it is a beautiful thing...to have this expanding sense of open heartedness...to see others darkness and not go into it with them...but simply witness it and send them love and light...

i feel as if i finally see through all of facades others build to seperate themselves or create an us and them world...i see their fear...their tender vulnerability...and it makes me love them more...i love them past what they do in confusion and see the beauty of their true selves...it is so much easier to love everyone when you can see them in the simple

a gentle memory...

went to bed but dreams come...i dreamed of my dad...i dreamed of when i was small and would ride on his shoulders...i remember him taking me for ice cream...i remember my tiny hand wrapped around a cold spoon...a metal bowl filled with chocolate ice cream...sitting on a swivel stool at a marble counter in an apothecary...

i remember him wiping ice cream off my face...i can still remember that sense of being cared for...cared about...i remember walking out with my little hand in his...

it is good to wake up to this and feel for a moment safe and cared for...so many years and so much distance was created between us as i grew older...the adult world he was part of was filled with struggle...yet i was still a daughter who needed a dad...but i remember so little time with him...and when i was around him he held so much anger...and there were outbursts...so i stayed away...

yet when he had his stroke all that changed...he changed...i changed...i learned to let down my guard with him and to be with him in compassion and with forgiveness and love...

and so i dreamed of my daddy tonight...a skinny man then...young and with so much life ahead of him...and in those early years of our live together i felt that sweet tenderness all young daughters deserve from their fathers...i had that before he let go of my hand for many many years...

now when i go back down south to caretake him and my mom he reaches out his hand and i take it...it is a simple thing really...a hand holding a hand...but to me it stretches across miles of hurt and heals every inch of the sorrow...

i can look back at the good memories and overstep the bad ones...i can remember his humor and think about how he had hopes and dreams he never fulfilled...i wish he had...perhaps he would have been happier...but now is now...and he is surrounded by family and grandchildren...i snapped a picture of him one day as my niece tucked him in...i am glad to have this picture of him tonight...it is good company...

there is so much to be grateful for even after a tiring difficult day...it is on the other side of the clock face...gone...a new day begins being measured off...i am so grateful for each breath of new life...i am grateful my heart remains open even as my mind wants me to close it and hide out...i am grateful for my strength and self love and respect...i am thankful to have found my feet back on the path i love so much...one of nature and spirit...i am grateful for a precious dream coming in the darkness of a troubled night of sleep...i am thankful for the cleansing tears...i am thankful for so much tonight...

my dad was a very flawed man before the stroke...yet through all of it i look back and think he must have loved me...he must have missed me at times...actually i know he did...he just couldnt be vulnerable and show it i think...which is how most folks are...and then it comes out all twisted and creates suffering...what a different life he could have had with me...i could have been a daddys girl...but he let go of my hand...i hope for my brother he holds his daughters hand through life...i hope all fathers are there more...it would have made a difference for me...it does tonight...i am grateful...

i hope for more sleep tonight...holding on to his hand with peace and love...

 



Sunday, October 7, 2012

happy morning

tender morning...a hushed light lifts my eyelids....a line said to me years ago challenges my mind...i pray to the love in and all around me...i do not accept those unkind words many years old...i accept the love instead...the love that flows through everything...

a bird sings and the sun grows stronger...the trees draw my eyes outside...they still hold out the green and smile their energy into my heart...peace fills me up...my muscles soften...my heartbeat is gentle and no worries touch my mind...

i face the day with a full well of love and kindness...i celebrate my open heart and my commitment to a more conscious living of this day...with compassion and love for myself and all...

i looked at my hands this morning as i opened my eyes after prayer and meditation...palms up they rested on my knees...the lines in my hands looked like a very busy map...and then a small voice says "yes...a busy map of places" and i know what this means...an inside joke...places in my heart...where i visit those passed and those not with me physically...

i smile and kiss the palms of my hands for all the good works they have done in life...

i am so incredibly blessed to have this morning...a few short months ago i could not take the pain i created in my mind...now all is untangled and all is at peace...not smoothed out completely but understood...my life is a place of refuge...my soul dwells in a temple of blissful calm today...i am so happy for myself...i have honored the gift of my aliveness...i am sorry i have not in the past...but sometimes the ignorance we choose is so dark and deep we do not see the insults we fling out to the unseen creator of all of this...today i am no longer in that realm of dark ignorance...i am grateful and give so much praise for that which created all this beauty in the world...

what a lovely morning...

Saturday, October 6, 2012

a hope...



letting go and letting go and letting go...this is the sweetest song i sing...a lullaby to help me drift into blessed sleep...to slip beneath the calm surface of night and find a place safe and worry free...to find the tree and nest to curl up tight...alone...but it is what must be...letting go and letting go and letting go...until the arms turn into wings...until my eyes see greater things...letting go and letting go and letting go...so i may fly into my dreams...and never wake as a human being...but wake to find i have fixed to a new form...letting go and letting go and letting go...here is the dawn...i give in to the urge to soar and swoop down...snatch at a fish and perch on a branch...tear at my food and search for more...letting go and letting go and letting go...

solace


just when you think it is all going well a memory leaps up at you and wrecks you for a few minutes...this is the last picture i ever took of my brother brian...i just had this memory of his laughter and those shining blue elfish eyes shimmering with tears...he always seemed to laugh that hard...never half way...

i miss him tonight...1980 was when his life ended...and yet it doesnt feel like that long ago...not at all...time is like that...my friend karen will have been gone 3 years in just a few days and it is still like yesterday...time goes nowhere but we do...time gets to stay...we go...and so it is...with her...with him...with myself some day...and is there any real meaning in it...or do we invent meaning...do we invent suffering so we can struggle to relieve suffering to give some purpose to life...do we fight happiness because struggle gives meaning more than just being?...it is heavy stuff to sit with tonight...

yet here i sit very sleepy...thinking heavy thoughts...and then the tug at my heart and my brothers laughter lifting up in my mind...and even if there is no meaning to this moment i am still happy to have the illusion of his company...

and i have a feeling i am so close to knowing something big because i do feel him with me so genuinely tonight...comforting and close...holding me up when all i want to do is fall forever...how sweet and kind the mind is and the unseen...to give me this moment with him...i am grateful as he stays and keeps the darkness away...

Friday, October 5, 2012

mt. hope farm


the swan is now alone...standing in the sun on an autumn day...grooming and daydreaming of the spring turned to a ghost of happiness...when there she stood with her beloved in happy hopes of a family...but the nest was wrecked by a cunning fox who devoured all their eggs...

summer became a mirage of devotion...while the coldness of fall climbed into their nest and the sorrowful two turned their backs on each other...

on a still morning the sky was the same shade of grey as those precious eggs...one swan lifted up into that greyness...the other stayed behind...

who is to say which way has been easier...each has its suffering...each has its hopes for the spring...


living awake


there are places in this world i have stood as if i were standing within the spirit of the unseen force which created all...i feel a cleanness in this moment...as if the breath i draw in is sweeter somehow...the air pure and filled with vitality...my skin tingles at the touch of this lush energy...my eyes can not completely take in the perfection of this beautiful moment...yet here is where my soul drinks and feasts...here is where i am holding and being held...in the most sacred place...the place of the unseen...without a sound...without a thought...without any movement but the pulse of blood, my heartbeat and lungs filling and releasing...

i swallow...i blink...the moment passes...and yet expands into more moments...then gone...yet what is left is a softening...an opening where peace entered...

a smile comes...my hand touches the raindrop speckled face of a rose hip...i am full to the brim with this feast of love...this is being all the way alive...this is being all the way awake...

Thursday, October 4, 2012

wall of stones...

 
if you build a wall of stones around your heart you can be sure someone will come along to either add more weight to it until it collapses or...sweetly and gently remove those stones one by one with acts of kindness...lately i have had more stones removed by my own hands and other gentle lovers of love than had stones added by the careless or intentional actions of myself and others...the stone wall is disappearing each day...and those who come to me with stones to add to this wall will be turned away...i am living with this open heart...i am grateful in the pleasure and the pain of an open heart...for each gives me the opportunity to practice loving kindness towards myself and others...

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

stacking stones

driving the back roads along the coast in maine i pulled over to beachcomb and watch the seals...

before i knew it stones were asking for a bit of play time...so i obliged them...it was fun...i picked up the first stone...a curved pink one...it weighed about twenty pounds and was eager to sit upon a bigger stone...then other stones called to me...as i lifted them and shifted their weight i began to understand what this was...another teaching...as i reached for a stone it let me know it wouldnt work...another was too wobbly to be stacked...another to flat...yet we worked together and more and more stones piled up...

a grand balancing act...like my life...weighing within myself what will work and not work...seeing how delicate life is...to keep it working and balanced...to take the time to consider before doing...and even what to pick up and what not to pick up for my life...

i added the last stone and stepped back...seeing the harmony...the music of the moment playing softly in the misty rain...the seals slapping the water out in the fog...the cold clinging to my wet hands...and here i was part of nature...not a foreigner at all...but a citizen of nature...accepted and welcomed...at home in this place...


the teaching of a flower

yesterday i got a rush of intense anxiety about an issue i have been struggling with...but instead of letting it churn in my mind...instead of having an imagined dialogue or worrying about the future outcome which could create more suffering in me and others...instead of any unhappy approach i stopped...i witnessed my own anxiety...i let my eyes settle on a flower...the beauty of a rose holding me in place...and there is where i found the softening of my heart...the tenderness i needed to draw upon...to see myself and others as fragile and delicate...yet living in such a perfection and a strength in the face of what comes...



this sweet rose...she is taking the force of the wind and rain upon her delicate petals...one petal tattered...her life brief and yet she opens and gives her inspiration to this world...to me...i am thankful to look to her for guidance...to open my heart to her...to listen to the voice of spirit...to hear with my soul...

the flower said there is nothing more precious than the moment you are in...it will never be lived again...do you want to live in it? and then do you want to live in it fretting or live in it with happiness?

i want to live in it and to live it in happiness...in compassion...in peace...

she shuttered at a blast of wind...raindrops slid down her lovely face...then she continued the teaching...when a difficult emotion comes or a harsh moment rises up before you...have this moment with you...and have this thought with you:

      this difficulty will never come again...it is gone as it happens...a painful death of a loved one or an argument or an unhealthy act...whatever it is has passed...now what?...now exactly...books and teachings have been given on it...songs and poems celebrate it...but it has been lived out by every flower which has ever been...know this...every flower which has ever been lives in the moment...

      your pain is a memory...your suffering is a memory...your unhappiness is a memory...gone...you are here in the moment and you do not suffer that which has happened...you are as the flower...living in the perfection of the moment...

my mind eased...the anxiety left...and here i stood with a flower teaching me to live in the purity of the moment...no matter what is happening or what comes up...each moment is a choice to be happy or live in the past of the previous moment of either happiness or unhappiness...

you know i have had this teaching from humans before but it never got into me...i stayed on the surface of my intellectual mind...this though...this went everywhere in me...

i am grateful for my open heart which was ready to receive the teaching...and grateful for the teacher...

to live as a flower...softly...quietly...a grounded but detached presence...singular yet a part of everything...and...in the moment...


Tuesday, October 2, 2012

by shantideva




shantideva was an 8th century buddhist monk...this is a prayer he wrote and one in which his holiness the dalai lama draws upon as well as many others who may or may not be on the path of the bodhisattva...

May all beings everywhere
Plagued by sufferings of body and mind
Obtain an ocean of happiness and joy
By virtue of my merits.
May no living creature suffer,
Commit evil, or ever fall ill.
May no one be afraid or belittled,
With a mind weighed down by depression.
May the blind see forms
And the deaf hear sounds,
May those whose bodies are worn with toil
Be restored on finding repose.
May the naked find clothing,
The hungry find food;
May the thirsty find water
And delicious drinks.
May the poor find wealth,
Those weak with sorrow find joy;
May the forlorn find hope,
Constant happiness, and prosperity.
May there be timely rains
And bountiful harvests;
May all medicines be effective
And wholesome prayers bear fruit.
May all who are sick and ill
Quickly be freed from their ailments.
Whatever diseases there are in the world,
May they never occur again.
May the frightened cease to be afraid
And those bound be freed;
May the powerless find power,
And may people think of benefiting each other.
For as long as space remains,
For as long as sentient beings remain,
Until then may I too remain
To dispel the miseries of the world.