my suffering rushed at me last night and stayed for awhile...but i kept it company with compassion and love...i was at a friends house and was simply too sick to drive home...so i stretched out in the guest room on a sweet little bed that makes me feel like a kid...blankets layered and pillow tucked...curled up like a wee chipmunk...pain shooting through my body from an unhappy ovary and digestive system...
sleep was not going to come so i let myself have a dialogue with the pain...treating it as a person...what is making you so unhappy? i asked my stomach area and side...what is upsetting you? the answers tumbled out as fast as the tears came to my eyes...
stress...stress at being in this world...stress of money...stress of others dysfunctions coming up against my stuff...stress of "getting it all right"...stress of always waiting for the other shoe to drop...stress...
it is nothing new...i know this about myself...i sometimes get so anxious about things i get stuck in the muck of it all...not moving into any action but retreating and hiding out...right now i am fighting very hard to not hide out...from my own suffering and literally from the world...artists can get very isolated any way but i certainly can spiral into it easily...and right now i am working through a huge issue around trusting others so i am definitely in flight mode but not giving in to it...
stress at the world is simply the sorrow i feel at the suffering of the world...i dont like christ's saying "the poor will always be with us"...i find this to be something that doesnt have to be if folks shared what they had and helped each other...were loving and in their true nature which is a generous and kind nature and cooperative...but folks get twisted and lost in their twisting away from their true selves and so conflicts come...and unhappiness...but i must not be attached to outcome in my thoughts...i cant save the world or motivate others to save themselves or the world...each person must want peace and to end suffering...all i can do is offer compassion with no attachment to the outcome...the world will either choose to step into the flow of love...one by one...or not...
stress of money was another part of it last night...trying to deal with hospital debt and more doctors visits...well who doesnt feel stress about money these days i told myself...yep i havent been able to do much lately because of the pain and fatigue...but this will pass...and i stay positive...and keep doing...and keep moving forward...
next stress...i recently came up against others "stuff" with my own stuff...my stuff being trust issues and trust in them got damaged...which is my lesson and i must go through it and come out the other side with even more understanding and peace for myself and others...not easy but i have made a sincere and loving commitment to overcome this dysfunction in myself...yes i have huge trust issues but i know if i free myself of this suffering i free myself in a ripple effect of so much more...and so much good will flow that has been kept away from me...
"getting it right" and "the other shoe dropping" comes from my childhood and times of great anxiety when i was surrounded by alot of adult dysfunctions...recently i went through a thing that would have crippled me in the past...it would have had me beating up on myself and feeling like it was all my fault...but this year i am witnessing my own transformation...not completely transformed yet but wow have i grown and evolved and found my way back to the garden again...the anxiety that comes when i am around angry people isnt the big trigger it use to be...being around someone drunk or high doesnt trigger me as much but hey who wouldnt be bothered by the falsehood of someone popping pills or whatever...
i looked inward last night and loved myself through all of this...offering advice...calming the anxiety and panic...giving a teaching to myself about "wise selfishness"...breathing in and out and letting my gut unclench...bringing in the pure light of healing and love...how beautiful to do for yourself i said to myself...feeling a softening and comfort in this...feeling a tenderness and compassion i am learning to give to myself...
and then i saw the green of love grow...i saw peace become my blanket...i rested in my buddha nature...safe in the light of christ...held in the grace of the unseen...surrendering...letting go...believing the soft beat of my heart when it said "i am...i am...i am..."
sleep came and dreams and more teachings in my dreams...but i woke this morning emptied out of the stress and looking into a room full of sunshine...knowing all is as it should be and everything in my day is filled with grace and love...
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