dohiyi

 

i wrote a blog when i was in a deep place of sorrow last night...full of hurt...i stumbled through a twisted maze of heartache...no place to put all my disappointment at life lately...no place for it to go but down into me and make me sick...

i woke up this morning so much in sorrow i threw up til noon...a headache pounding me...i just could not shake the sadness...

the word dohiyi (cherokee word for peace) kept popping up...my friend karen wrote it on her arm in one of many playful moments and sent the image to me...karen who passed at 51...the treewoman...the elf king...a good person and loved by many...who struggled with her own stuff yet was generous and kind...who loved me even when i didnt feel lovable...i am so grateful for her teachings...i miss her...

i cant share the wounding of late...other than it is a repeated pattern from childhood...rejection...i set myself up for rejection again...i am taking responsibility for my part while sharing it with those others who rejected me...it is so incredibly painful and i am struggling to deal with it...to not shut down...it has changed me though...i will not be the same as i was...a wall is going up...it is the only way i know how to navigate this world any more...i had hope in something and now there is none...to surrender to this brokenness is atleast a relief...to no longer struggle...to let go...to break the rest of the way...and then to fill the brokenness with gold as they do in japanese pottery mending...

i am beautifully broken...i am beyond any more harm now...once you break all the way there is nothing left to harm...i am grateful not to be jaded...just broken...not depressed...not crippled...but simply filled with a tender sorrow...for myself...and for others...forgiving me for the person i am...forgiving them...

i am never going to be "normal"...i am an artist...a writer...i am a spiritual person who walks her own path to the beloved creator of all...in my own way...with conviction and reverence...and love for the natural world and for all sentient beings...i just wish i could belong somewhere in this world...i dont...the thud of  knowing this crashes in on me...

the harshness of it all is difficult...the harshness of what has just happened...the harshness of so much of life is difficult...yet i see beauty and grace and love as well...

i see a leaf for the first and only time fall from its home and land softly on the ground...i see a seal bob in the water...it looks at me as i look at it...and i feel its curiosity and cautiousness...i hear the sweet thin notes of a songbird singing so late in the season and pray for her safe trip to warmer places...i watch a hunched over older woman counting out change in the grocery line and my heart sends her love and healing light...and wishes for her to have enough to eat that evening...i watch a father toss a ball to a daughter...i see a cat crouch in waiting for some chase in the bushes...i smile at the storm clouds and whisper a prayer for all to be safe...i look at myself in the mirror and see kind eyes...

this is life...hurtful and not...i am here in it...breathing...full of flaws...full of light...falling short often...yet always moving towards understanding and enlightenment...imperfect yet in my imperfection i can see the flow of love accepting me in...just as i am...

i find peace in self-acceptance...all the words folks describe me as means nothing now...i know who i am...and i love me...i let go of the rest tonight...it is too painful to hold onto...the sorrow falls like leaves from a tree...the storms tantruming winds blow them far away...i am the bare boned tree now...roots deep...branches reaching up...still standing...

dohiyi...