went to bed but dreams come...i dreamed of my dad...i dreamed of when i was small and would ride on his shoulders...i remember him taking me for ice cream...i remember my tiny hand wrapped around a cold spoon...a metal bowl filled with chocolate ice cream...sitting on a swivel stool at a marble counter in an apothecary...
i remember him wiping ice cream off my face...i can still remember that sense of being cared for...cared about...i remember walking out with my little hand in his...
it is good to wake up to this and feel for a moment safe and cared for...so many years and so much distance was created between us as i grew older...the adult world he was part of was filled with struggle...yet i was still a daughter who needed a dad...but i remember so little time with him...and when i was around him he held so much anger...and there were outbursts...so i stayed away...
yet when he had his stroke all that changed...he changed...i changed...i learned to let down my guard with him and to be with him in compassion and with forgiveness and love...
and so i dreamed of my daddy tonight...a skinny man then...young and with so much life ahead of him...and in those early years of our live together i felt that sweet tenderness all young daughters deserve from their fathers...i had that before he let go of my hand for many many years...
now when i go back down south to caretake him and my mom he reaches out his hand and i take it...it is a simple thing really...a hand holding a hand...but to me it stretches across miles of hurt and heals every inch of the sorrow...
i can look back at the good memories and overstep the bad ones...i can remember his humor and think about how he had hopes and dreams he never fulfilled...i wish he had...perhaps he would have been happier...but now is now...and he is surrounded by family and grandchildren...i snapped a picture of him one day as my niece tucked him in...i am glad to have this picture of him tonight...it is good company...
there is so much to be grateful for even after a tiring difficult day...it is on the other side of the clock face...gone...a new day begins being measured off...i am so grateful for each breath of new life...i am grateful my heart remains open even as my mind wants me to close it and hide out...i am grateful for my strength and self love and respect...i am thankful to have found my feet back on the path i love so much...one of nature and spirit...i am grateful for a precious dream coming in the darkness of a troubled night of sleep...i am thankful for the cleansing tears...i am thankful for so much tonight...
my dad was a very flawed man before the stroke...yet through all of it i look back and think he must have loved me...he must have missed me at times...actually i know he did...he just couldnt be vulnerable and show it i think...which is how most folks are...and then it comes out all twisted and creates suffering...what a different life he could have had with me...i could have been a daddys girl...but he let go of my hand...i hope for my brother he holds his daughters hand through life...i hope all fathers are there more...it would have made a difference for me...it does tonight...i am grateful...
i hope for more sleep tonight...holding on to his hand with peace and love...
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