it has been an amazing year of lessons...learning to accept help from others...learning to stop pushing myself through days when i am not well...learning to relax and let go...even going to the hospital instead of riding out the pain was a big step forward for me...
at the beginning of the year i struggled greatly...the fear of living alone for the first time in decades kept growing in my mind...it is still a process of learning...to deal with my brain and math when it comes to banking and bills is a hard shift after so many years of letting another person handle it....i still feel a lack of confidence sometimes...
i also had a great fear of being alone...not alone with myself and my thoughts or physically alone...but it just feels untethered...like i am going to float away...i cant really articulate it...but it is not a comforting feeling...so i have had to learn to accept what is and when that feeling comes i let it be and send compassion to those feelings...
this past winter depression and feelings of suicide hit hard...it was for two teachings i know...one of my emotions and grief...of not dealing with grief from a view sources...so i climbed into the sorrow and let myself grieve finally...the other teaching from this time was a spiritual one...
i am an artist and a shaman and i see the world with natures sight...i see into things and feel and experience life in a different way than some...not good or bad...just different...i could go on about it but i am simply honoring and walking a different path to the same place we all end up...but to arrive at that place in me i had to let alot fall away or burn up...the depression was about the destruction of one structure so i could have the room to build a new one..one which functions well and works to serve humanity in a more efficient and constructive way...
this year has also been about transformation...infact it was the theme of this year...becoming and becoming more fully myself...as i have been for years but this year i surrendered to it...accepted it...and didnt hide it...now everyone knows how out there but hopefully loving i am...i do my best to walk the walk...i do fail at being compassionate and kind...but the cool thing about this dedicated path is when i am not in integrity and doing right it feels awful!...it is so uncomfortable to be judgemental and harsh...to say unkind words...to even think in a negative fashion...and i am so profoundly grateful to feel this discomfort when i begin twisting into this dysfunctional place within me...it means my heart has shifted...it means i am walking the path of compassion...
recently i was tested...and in the middle of a difficult day i was amazed at how much love i held for folks who were unhappy around me...i loved them...and felt concern for their unhappiness...my human side felt unhappy for me but my humanness and my soul felt their suffering and wanted to honor their struggle and to ease all our suffering...and as i felt this...as i experienced this...i saw the being behind each human...i saw my true self as well...and all i could do was be love and send love...what a very beautiful thing to have happen...
and i know as i step further onto this path of love and light i will feel even greater discomfort at negative intent or thoughts...i will shift my habits as a human and align them with loving kindness which springs from the inner world...
i see this world of struggles falling away daily...i see an acceptance and a flow to my life now...i am shifting...
i am nearly there...i know i am in the last stages of this big shift...something from a recent event in my life needs to be made right in my heart...and the sorrow of it needs to find healing...it is within me to heal it...i am in it alone this weekend to find this healing...to keep moving forward...not hide out and not slip back into old ways of punishing myself and letting it all fall on my shoulders...to heal this somehow in the next few days will ease great suffering and struggle...to not hold on to the sadness...to let it float away...softly sailing into the sky...
and i must say there is a tenderness to self healing...in looking at your wrong actions and not only taking the big step of claiming them but forgiving yourself for them...and then to look at others actions and to understand they do what they do often from not a place of conscious intent but from a place of their own suffering...forgiveness...in this powerful act comes great peace...releasing all that struggle...all the suffering in yourself...it is such a great gift to give yourself and the world...i am doing this and it is freeing...
i have found tremendous peace this year...in myself...and i then gravitate naturally towards those who are peaceful...
i woke up to bright sunshine and my own smile this morning...i woke up to hope...to peace...i woke up loving everyone and find great comfort in the immense love i have for all who suffer and for my own suffering...
when you at last know we are all one you can no longer hate what is in someone else...for it is in you too...my shadows of wrongful ways are the same as anothers...my light is the same as anothers...i am grateful to understand this now...to not push or pull at anything...but to flow with it and be compassionate...i have known this for awhile...but to surrender to it is a remarkable thing...to accept i have wronged and seek to do right...to understand others have wronged and to forgive...to surrender to what is...
to be peace
to be love
to be one
to open
to praise
to sing
to see
to touch
to breath
to be peace
to be love
to be one
No comments:
Post a Comment