resurrection...

walls came crashing down this month...wall after wall after wall...purging myself of possessions...letting go of things i thought i cared about...reaching back tonight into places and times and seeing them...really seeing them...just as they were...all the ugly truth of it...all the hurt and pain...taking one last look...the web of karma...one action leading into another and another until...until the destruction of my life and all those hopes and dreams i was clinging to...

there is so little i am left with tonight...and i am ok with that...i am starting over...broke but that is just money...somehow i will make enough...it will come...but i am not broke in spirit...in fact after everything...after a long life of losses i still feel like i have won...

for i havent stopped...i havent given up...even when i wanted to my beautiful soul said "go a little further...seek a little longer...give yourself to it and it will come...love will come" and so i have...i gave myself a gentle compassion to endure...to find love for myself...to hear my voice rise up in me and say out loud "i deserve better...i deserve respect...i deserve love"

yesterday...talking to my mom on the phone...she was struggling...saying she felt like she deserved all the bad stuff that has happened to her...she said she never felt loved...i reassured her...but i know it has been a long struggle with her and i dont know if she will ever overcome any of it...today is her birthday...she is 73...and she doesnt love herself...i wish she could...it is worth the battle...

i had to learn to love myself...i had to learn to have self respect and to know i deserve to be treated well...but i did learn...so many times i struggled and was so desperate for love...i wanted a family so much i would have done just about anything to get acceptance...yet at the same time i chose people who would never see me as good enough...crazy but there it is...

but i finally connect some huge strings of events and understand why i was so desperate for a family...for a home...and even for the rejection...

once you know...once you are conscious walls begin to fall...i had so many walls up...so many barriers keeping me from love...

the walls have fallen away...when i finally said no to being treated poorly recently i could actually feel a wall sway inside me...i could feel it break apart...collapse under the weight of my awakening...

to connect the words "i deserve love" with the feeling is remarkable...to say "i deserve respect" is revolutionary...to demand fair treatment is to reclaim my dignity...to say "this is not acceptable" is to stand in my power and lift my bowed head...and i have...and the walls fell...the prison is gone...

i released the anger and resentment tonight...for all of it...for the rejections big and small...for the unkind acts and the cold-hearted treatment...i took the behind the back cruelty of even those i have trusted and i looked them in the eyes and forgave them...i didnt deserve anyones unkind ways and i will not carry it one more step...i gave it back to them...

i took the iron bars of homophobia and i melted them down...i took the locks on all those prison doors and i opened them...i took those doors to all those different cells and i kicked them open...i took those cell walls and i pushed them down...

all the writing on the walls...all those memories....all those years of suffering...they turned to dust...

i held up my hands and i said come to me...every bit of my soul i had lost came home...from the smallest speck to the largest ones...my soul is home and i am completed...

to those who treated me like garbage i gave their stinking piles back...to those who rejected me i gave them love and forgiveness...to those who harmed me i offered them the same love and forgiveness...and for those i gave my power to...i reclaimed it...

it is more than the new moon or the year of the horse for me...i sit at the beginning of my real life...

my life...fully mine...

i will sleep soon...and wake to greet more of myself than i have had with me for lifetimes...for i have travelled into every lifetime and every wound and i have gathered my soul up and i am filled with all of me at last...

i do not place myself above another but i also will never bow my head again...no one will ever own me again...i am not a victim and i am not disposable...i am not unlovable...i am just like you...i am worthy and i know it now...i am awake...fully...and i am finally all the way alive...

a sky of hope...

i must say after a wild ride of a week i came away with a deeper appreciation of my wonderfully imperfect self...i celebrate all my imperfections because to me they are simply the doorways to all the classrooms of study and learning...and i am finding i trust other imperfect people much more than those who put on perfect masks...

i come away from a week of getting back my wings and then learning how to use them...bumping into walls...finding balance...understanding the currents...building trust in my abilities...letting go of the old me...feeling the pain of that...letting anger rise up in me...letting it overtake me and letting it teach me...the journey into it all tonight...what does my anger have to teach me?...i could think of no other fitting question to pose...

i ended up in the shamans cave...the fire was roaring...snapping at the darkness...i was given a bowl to drink from...as i swallowed the drink it burned through me...i felt it seep into every cell of my body...i was on fire...and in each snatch of pain i had a flash of an angry moment in my life...moments of rejection, envy, betrayal, violence, insult, disrespect...all the times i became twisted with anger...all the times i had a tantrum inside myself...angry at myself...for failing...for not having what others have...thinking i wasnt good enough...giving up...giving in...settling...becoming bitter...on and on the moments flashed and i looked...until all those moments blurred into one...and i understood...i understand all of it now...my anger...how i implode and make myself sick...i knew i did this to myself...but this is different...this is what triggers it all...what upsets me and makes me attack myself...makes me spiral down...weakens me...makes me physically sick...

in the cave i had my wings...i spread them...a bear reached out and tried to bite off feathers...i pushed him off...a wolf stepped forward and growled...i defended my ground and protected my wings...a bat swooped in and i fought it off...i was standing up for myself and my right to keep my wings...

the shaman led me out of the cave and gave me a pouch...she pointed upward...i lifted off...flew high and away...

and this is me now...letting go of anger...owning my wings and accepting abundance...going off into the mystery of the blue sky... saying goodbye to so much...yet saying hello to the horizon and what lies beyond...taking with me a pouch of all that is important to me...the anger left in the cave...it is up to me if i create more anger or peace for myself...

this new thought coming as i fly towards lush green mountains..."i choose love...i choose peace...i choose life"

a brief visit...

i had the lovely company of a lady bug for days...for such a small creature she had such an impact on me...

you see she kept the loneliness away...her presence filled this apartment...sometimes she crawled up the curtain...or along the kitchen counter...i took a tubbie and she followed me...climbing along the edge of the tub...when i bent my leg and the knee came out of the water she flew to it...

i talked to her...outloud...in the stillness of this apartment my voice went soft when speaking to this wee one...

slowly i understood who she was and why she was here...she was someone visiting from long ago this lifetime...she reminded me i was once loved without struggle and with such deep devotion...that love never fell away from me...i have often felt it...

i have always found it odd...the words in and out of love...how do people fall out of love? once there is true love it is there and there to stay i think...i love who i love deeply...no matter what...the love was there and always will be...it will live on even as this body doesnt...love...true love simply is...this lady bug reminded me of love and its ever present grace...even in moments of struggle...love comes and lifts me up...brings me peace and comfort...

i have often felt unlovable...in the intimate sense...i certainly have had enough women tell me they arent in love with me...i have had enough who would not meet me in the middle and share their life with me...this part of me has shut down and became overgrown lately...

but the lady bug reminded me of the time i was very much loved...she reminded me of what i have missed for so long...that look someone gives you who is happy you are there...i have missed that look...i have missed out on so much...i once was accepted just as i was...loved...with all my imperfections and my struggle...i could be me and know it was ok...

anymore i am often around others who themselves wear masks and want me to put one on too...but i am not good at surface living so i fail...i am not perfect...i am not even concerned with perfection...those seemingly perfect people are at times the most screwed up people in the room...they are just talented at turning off parts of themselves and putting on a good show of it all...but really is it worth it to pretend? i mean arent they sick of pretending to be so well put together?

there was this little creature who now has emptied out of her body...she came to that vulnerable place in me that is finding it difficult to be single and she got me to feel the pain of it all...simply by being with me...how odd but how wonderful...

i feel the loss of these last few years...the grief...the unbearable longing...and in her way this lady bug taught me to empty out...empty out the bitterness and resentments...

i feel them slowly coming up...the anger and the heartache of failed relationships and this present life that is hard...i feel it draining from me and the me i am leaving behind as well...

her shell of a body sits on a little stone here til i take her outside tomorrow and return her to the earth...tonight i sit with her and reflect on all she has told me...the whimsical conversations and the serious last ones...

as she emptied out i know...in a way...i really do need to empty out too...

so much is gone from my life...to hold onto the pain of it all is just more to waste of my life...and i have wasted far too much of my life on people and places that were not worth it...

i once again was told recently that i talk too much...i have been told this all of my life...i think it isnt that i talk too much but that to these people who say this my words have no value...i express myself with a crowd of words...so what...i am this way and i am done feeling bad about it...i am going to keep talking...keep writing...keep painting...keep showing my emotions...keep forgetting to brush my hair...keep settling into an aging body...keep living an imperfect life...i value me and my words and my voice and the love i extend to others...no mask...showing my imperfections...

i love this imperfect human being in all her messy wonderful ways...i love that i can spend days with a lady bug and let myself learn from her sweet little life...i love that i can shed tears now and miss her...and know she was a visitor from the place we all go to after life...i know i am loved so much to have been given this time with her again...

if all people see is a surface and not this deeper being i am this is their loss...i see me...and i profoundly love me...i know i am worth being loved...i may be unlovable in that special intimate way but i am not going to apologize or feel bad about my tender imperfect life and how i conduct myself in it...

like the lady bug i have some emptying out to do...shedding old resentments and old grief...so i can enjoy myself in greater measure and the adventures to come...

filling up with love...

i have been enjoying the cool, damp air as the sun comes up behind the veil of greyness...windows open...the sound of birds in the bushes...a loud concert of canadian geese flying overhead...they arch and circled back...

i look out to see the tree tops quivering in the wind...here and there a nest is tucked in...a squirrels home...a birds nest...a tree elfs high rise dwelling...

it is a grey day...a day of writing...

i am at a point in my book where i am dealing with the death of a man...even in his last hour he is struggling in a battle between the darkness and light in him...will he have a transcending victory over his own ego and his own love of darkness?...in his eyes the darkness fades away and light fills him from beyond...will he open up to it? or will fear sink him to the bottom of the darkness?

how many people remember the times they have collected the darkness in them and the suffering it has created?...how many are distorting its importance?...thinking it is there to give value to the light...fooling themselves into believing it gives as much meaning to life as the light does...

to me it has no importance...in fact it is the blockage which keeps us from the light...it is the enemy...my only one...

there is no darkness in the place of the beloved one who created love ...that place is the origin of all light...it is the beginning point of all love which flows in endless directions...it is the place our prayers fly off to and it is the place comfort and unconditional love reaches for us...in everything there is the presence of the unseen beloved...but the beginning point is where it flows from and where we go home to...

we entered a world where there is both light and dark...good and not good...the freedom to say yes to life or no to it...there is rational thought flowing from a calm heartfelt spirit...there is the minds chatter and the jagged outcropping of an ever-hungry ego which feeds us to the darkness of this world...

from the tantrums of arrogance and judgement to the fog of a drugged mind to the ignorance of greed and gluttony the darkness smiles and reaches into you...it whispers in a syrupy sweet voice of seduction..."you need me to be whole"..."you need me to be balanced"...you need me to become powerful"..."you need me"...

folks are on spiritual paths which dont reach back far enough to remember a time when that voice was not there...darkness has an easy sell these days...darkness is getting access to people now because there is a growing collective thought we should embrace our dark side...this is a path to destruction...and we see it all around us...everyone saying how bad things are yet they are still opening themselves up to the darkness in so many ways...

there is a reason the animals, trees, plants, water do not hear the darkness calling but humans do...we have become refuges from the light...the very thing we long for we now run from...we are wounded and hiding from all that is good...

we are born into this world from the place of light with the darkness waiting for us...this foreign entity...the darkness is a creature of suffering and sorrow which was born to this earth as well...older than any myth...but arriving after us...it hunts us down and begins early to remove our allotted light from us...

the darkness was born from fear...fear came as consciousness took hold in the human mind and we began to understand the limits of our human life...in that first moment of fear in a human heart the darkness found its birthing place...it has grown powerful and full of seductions since...

people go to the darkness in their most private fearful moments...they crave wealth, fame, approval, power over others, worship, immortality...and there the darkness is...ready to feed on your fears...ready to give beguiling false promises you buy into...in your arrogance you snatch and grab all you can to feed from the world of others as the darkness feeds on you...

the darkness hates witnesses...it likes to put out glossy promotional material in the form of gurus, celebrities, polished people of importance...talking heads that speak of love and compassion yet in their mind they plot and scheme...they angle and instigate so much deception...they dress the part and study the particular path they preach from...yet they are in love with the darkness and use others to feed their ego...

but we are living in very amazing times...the age of information and the age of awakening are propelling us into a greater level of understanding....many of us are seeing through the illusion the darkness creates...those who serve the darkness in ignorance or consciously are becoming easier to spot...these peacocks who dress up as doves are beginning to have less and less to feed on...

politicians are losing their power seats, preachers and gurus who serve the darkness are losing their worshippers, corporate systems built on the false promises of the darkness are collapsing under the weight of their gluttony...the greedy war machines of this earth are self destructing..it is all shifting...light is speaking louder than darkness...its song is pure...it is the voice of the unseen reaching into us...

you can feel it cant you? it is an overwhelming feeling...you may feel a moment of choking as the darkness is pushed out...you are being filled with love...dont fight it...let it rise up...if you need to shake the darkness out of your body do so...or release it in a flow of sound from your mouth...sigh and breath deep...whatever you need to do compassionately for yourself to remove the darkness...be gentle with yourself in this process...this is you reclaiming the sacred land of your own body...

you dont have to be devoured by darkness any more...you can be filled with light...and it can stay fully in you from now on...because now you are a witness to the darkness...as it comes to you in a whisper, another persons actions or the pull to act in some dark way yourself you will now see it for what it is and reject it...

this is the end to suffering...this is the embrace of the unseen...this is love...