there is so little i am left with tonight...and i am ok with that...i am starting over...broke but that is just money...somehow i will make enough...it will come...but i am not broke in spirit...in fact after everything...after a long life of losses i still feel like i have won...
for i havent stopped...i havent given up...even when i wanted to my beautiful soul said "go a little further...seek a little longer...give yourself to it and it will come...love will come" and so i have...i gave myself a gentle compassion to endure...to find love for myself...to hear my voice rise up in me and say out loud "i deserve better...i deserve respect...i deserve love"
yesterday...talking to my mom on the phone...she was struggling...saying she felt like she deserved all the bad stuff that has happened to her...she said she never felt loved...i reassured her...but i know it has been a long struggle with her and i dont know if she will ever overcome any of it...today is her birthday...she is 73...and she doesnt love herself...i wish she could...it is worth the battle...
i had to learn to love myself...i had to learn to have self respect and to know i deserve to be treated well...but i did learn...so many times i struggled and was so desperate for love...i wanted a family so much i would have done just about anything to get acceptance...yet at the same time i chose people who would never see me as good enough...crazy but there it is...
but i finally connect some huge strings of events and understand why i was so desperate for a family...for a home...and even for the rejection...
once you know...once you are conscious walls begin to fall...i had so many walls up...so many barriers keeping me from love...
the walls have fallen away...when i finally said no to being treated poorly recently i could actually feel a wall sway inside me...i could feel it break apart...collapse under the weight of my awakening...
to connect the words "i deserve love" with the feeling is remarkable...to say "i deserve respect" is revolutionary...to demand fair treatment is to reclaim my dignity...to say "this is not acceptable" is to stand in my power and lift my bowed head...and i have...and the walls fell...the prison is gone...
i released the anger and resentment tonight...for all of it...for the rejections big and small...for the unkind acts and the cold-hearted treatment...i took the behind the back cruelty of even those i have trusted and i looked them in the eyes and forgave them...i didnt deserve anyones unkind ways and i will not carry it one more step...i gave it back to them...
i took the iron bars of homophobia and i melted them down...i took the locks on all those prison doors and i opened them...i took those doors to all those different cells and i kicked them open...i took those cell walls and i pushed them down...
all the writing on the walls...all those memories....all those years of suffering...they turned to dust...
i held up my hands and i said come to me...every bit of my soul i had lost came home...from the smallest speck to the largest ones...my soul is home and i am completed...
to those who treated me like garbage i gave their stinking piles back...to those who rejected me i gave them love and forgiveness...to those who harmed me i offered them the same love and forgiveness...and for those i gave my power to...i reclaimed it...
it is more than the new moon or the year of the horse for me...i sit at the beginning of my real life...
my life...fully mine...
i will sleep soon...and wake to greet more of myself than i have had with me for lifetimes...for i have travelled into every lifetime and every wound and i have gathered my soul up and i am filled with all of me at last...
i do not place myself above another but i also will never bow my head again...no one will ever own me again...i am not a victim and i am not disposable...i am not unlovable...i am just like you...i am worthy and i know it now...i am awake...fully...and i am finally all the way alive...
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