Thursday, December 22, 2011

had to share...

i am a conspirator...are you?
A Spiritual Conspiracy


On the surface of the world right now there is war and violence and things seem dark.

But calmly and quietly, at the same time, something else is happening underground.

An inner revolution is taking place and certain individuals are being called to a higher light.

It is a silent revolution.

From the inside out. From the ground up.

This is a Global operation.

A Spiritual Conspiracy.

There are sleeper cells in every nation on the planet.

You won't see us on the T. V.

You won't read about us in the newspaper.

You won't hear about us on the radio.

We don't seek any glory.

We don't wear any uniform

We come in all shapes and sizes, colors and styles

Most of us work anonymously

We are quietly working behind the scenes in every country and culture of the world.

Cities big and small, mountains and valleys, in farms and villages, tribes and remote islands.

You could pass by one of us on the street and not even notice.

We go undercover.

We remain behind the scenes.

It is of no concern to us who takes the final credit,

but simply that the work gets done.

Occasionally we spot each other in the street,

we give a quiet nod and continue on our way

During the day many of us pretend we have normal jobs,

but behind the false storefront at night is where the real work takes a place.

Some call us the Conscious Army.

We are slowly creating a new world with the power of our minds and hearts.

We follow, with passion and joy.

Our orders come from the Central Spiritual Intelligence

We are dropping soft, secret love bombs when no one is looking..

Poems ~ Hugs ~ Music ~ Photography ~ Movies ~ Kind words ~

Smiles ~ Meditation and prayer ~ Dance ~ Social activism ~ Websites ~ Blogs ~ Random acts of kindness...

We each express ourselves in our own unique ways with our own unique gifts and talents.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

That is the motto that fills our hearts.

We know it is the only way real transformation takes place.

We know that quietly and humbly we have the power of all the oceans combined.

Our work is slow and meticulous.

Like the formation of mountains

It is not even visible at first glance,

And yet with it entire tectonic plates shall be moved in the centuries to come.

Love is the new religion of the 21st century.

You don't have to be a highly educated person.

Or have any exceptional knowledge to understand it.

It comes from the intelligence of the heart

Embedded in the timeless evolutionary pulse of all human beings.

Be the change you want to see in the world

Nobody else can do it for you

We are now recruiting…

Perhaps you will join us.

Or already have.

All are welcome

The door is open



~ Author Unknown

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

this sacred time of year


within the second day of hanukkah, in the day before winter solstice, approaching christmas, in the season of peace...i wish all of you a most beautiful and loving time...forget the hustle and the hassle...forget the shopping and the to do list...take a moment...with a cup of coffee or tea...in a quiet place...let your shoulders relax...sigh it all out...close your eyes and breath in and out deeply...sip your warm drink and have these peaceful moments to truly reflect on your abundance, your blessings and feel the love i send to you...it is there within reach and it is the best gift i know to give...may it bring you a happy smile and alittle more energy to step back into the must do things with a better way to deal...which is to simply be and smile and watch the crazytown mad dash rather than be in it...but if you have to be in it be safe...much love and light to all...

Friday, December 16, 2011

such is life...

a week ago today i had a very intense thing happen to me...i got carjacked...not physically hurt but it has been hard to shake some parts of the experience...

i came out of a store and a young man asked me if i could spare some cash...i pulled out what was in my pocket...a five dollar bill...and handed it to him...he thanked me and i started for my car...then it happened...he was right there with a knife to me...wanting me to drive him to boston...so that was that...no one around and i felt the adrenaline in my mouth as i just followed instructions and tried to let my past training kick in...

once in the car and starting out i calmed and centered myself and just assessed the situation...he was manic...upset about his family and the holidays...he was coming down off a binge of drugs and partying...he was exhausted but hyper...so i could use my training and keep myself safe i hoped...yet for a bit of time i had no idea if he would simply slit my throat and take the car...so i had to keep him focused on getting home and getting hold of his family...and my instincts would serve me well...

as we were nearing the highway split to go to boston i convinced him he should call his mom...long story short we ended up meeting her and his brother at an exit on the way to boston and it was a peaceful ending to some very intense hours...

my body and my mind were worn out beyond words...i made it back to the friend's house i have been staying at and i just collapsed in the shower...my hands had been gripped tightly around the steering wheel for hours and now my upper body felt like one big bruise...my mind was fried...i felt myself numb out to alot of it...i was on overload...

and for days i just worked at feeling me again...i felt like i was not fully recovered til yesterday really...like alot of what i had done for days was just pushing myself thru things...packing and moving my things out of my old place to put them in storage til my apartment is ready...doing things with others, making meals, the nuts and bolts of my day were just there...

then i meditated yesterday and found my focus...on being peaceful...i also began restoring my self esteem and self worth more fully yesterday...i still struggle with parts of this but today more is making sense to me about how i am with others and how others treat me...

i get alot of it now...why people want me a certain way and yet hold me at arms length...that with others i am only allowed so close and then used for only certain parts of myself...not seen as a person with feelings too...why i have been used as a playmate or pet and not seen as an equal...i get put into this role of being a pseudo man because i am a lesbian...straight women especially treat me as if i am simply there to be used as men are used...i have had to remind women at times i am not a man and they ignore it...they dont want to hear this...their homophobia is entrenched and they dont want to be challenged...

lesbians are different than straight women for sure...we are a little flirty...we do our best because we are judged differently...we are expected to not talk about our private lives yet i hear the details and references to straight women's lives when it comes to their partners...we are suppose to be strong and often are the ones who step up when other women dont...we are approached with the same level of passive aggressive behavior men receive...women are passive aggressive with other women but how they are with men is much more unkind and selfish...i am not saying lesbians are above or better than...they certainly have their immature behavior at times...and i am not saying all straight women are tough on lesbians...i am just saying to folks lighten up on this lesbian...i am doing the best i can in a world that sometimes is wicked unkind to me...dont be so hard on me...see me as a woman and that is all...

and this past week has made me examine love...how i express it and how much others mean to me...how i want there to be peace and harmony and caring and for myself to show it in much fuller and profoundly loving ways...i have made a special effort around this for the past few days...i have picked things apart that were knotting around my heart...i have tried to express my love to others...i have tried to reach out and be open...

and then i had to realize i had to be more loving towards myself as well...i went to that edge again where i dont like to be and wanted to give up...it had all become to hard and i was drowning in it all...i was very hard on myself yesterday especially...feeling as if i failed again...not knowing how to navigate around my own rising self esteem and self worth...not knowing how to express myself well enough in words or actions...but committed to doing better...

so today i woke up at 3 a.m. and absolutely couldnt shut down or run away from others...i can simply be me and there will be folks who appreciate it and enjoy my odd little humor and my passion for knowing and my love of love...i am alittle different but still worth having in others lives...i am worthy is the part i need to know more than any...i am worthy...

a new day...the sun is shining...my body is sore and tired but i have love in my heart for everyone and a hope that love rules everyone's actions today...

Thursday, December 15, 2011

peacemaker


i did a journey this morning about being peaceful and being centered...i wanted to understand the moment i drift from my center and am not peaceful or have peaceful thoughts...i also wanted to restore the temple altar within me that holds my core values and self worth...someone had given me an image of a box that held all good thoughts about me and so i wished to journey to this place with a strong guide and be shown how to empower this place within me...

i went to the place beyond places...it didnt feel like the lower or upper or middle world...i didnt have a body...my guide was a shimmering singing cluster of clear crystals...i was standing in my soul's temple surrounded by endless beauty and pure love...a stream of light filled the sky above me...sounds of indescribable beauty sung overhead as well...flowers filled the area i stood in...

a simple table stood empty...the guide told me to fill it with all that was precious to me...and so i filled it with framed photos of those i love...friends, family, those i admire...then favorite books...to kill a mockingbird, silas mariner, emerson essays and others...then music playing i love coming from an old stereo i had as a young adult...my drum...rocks, sticks, feathers, shells, bits of nature...and then the box...a pale blue top...

in this box i pulled out words...colleen is kind, colleen is strong, colleen is a good artist, colleen is compassionate, colleen is soulful, colleen is happy, colleen is beautiful, colleen is desirable, colleen is important to others, colleen is loved, colleen is a good friend, colleen has worth...on and on the notes read this way...i struggled to accept what some of them said...so the guide had me read those over many times...

in the end there was one last item i placed on the altar...it was a ring...a simple ring...a promise...that i will not be alone...that i will allow love in and be loving...it is as simple as this really...to make peace i must make peace within myself...to remove my fears of being alone...to remove my fears of being unlovable...to remove my fears and be at peace...to live right now...today as if i have those things that are important to me...because i do...i really do...

and so i begin my day...a sacred day of being a peacemaker...for when you create peace in yourself the world is made more peaceful...

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

morning chuckle

i laughed out loud this morning as i read an article online...i am into quantum/physics as an armchair onlooker of all these discoveries and near discoveries and oops we were off by this much take backs of discoveries...

this morning the article was on the search of the "illusive god particle" or the Higgs bosin...

ok so i am not going to get technical on myself or you but it is a yet found puzzle piece that is the(maybe) AH-HA moment for those intrepid hunters of "bossie" as i call the god particle...

see this ginormous collider underground crashes protons together going super dooper speed and when these protons fly into bits and pieces ever so small (and by small i mean you cant even imagine how small small can be in this universe of smallness in a proton)...so anyway they break up into particles and each particle has a role in creating mass which creates matter...the matter that makes up everything...so bossie is what gives the other masses their mass it is thought...hence the "god particle"...

and here is where the laughter comes...i imagine there is no mass creating mass...that bossie is nonexistent in any physical realm and this will blow the physicists minds...that every particle in all the universe is simply there being held into the structures and patterns of the physical world by....drum roll...nothingness...

that everything is interlocked and simply keeps it all together not flying apart into countless particles...that would be cool and trippy...and i would laugh even more...not out of making fun of the billions of dollars and endless hours and mind-time used to find nothing...but i laugh at the joy of it...to know that the unseen mystery remains unseen even if the mystery is solved...

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

peace


i seek peace in the season of peace and have found it...in the slow moments waking i pray and meditate and find the core of my being in repose...there is a cool underground spring pouring from the earth...and in this rich flow is the crystal clear essence of peace...i drink it into me and let it fill every cell of my body...i let it fill my mind and ebb from my body in all my words and actions as i time travel through this day....my heart is as light as a feather...my eyes shine forth happiness...my soul is free to send love and compassion to everyone...i am at peace...may all of us have this peace today... 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

gentle thoughts



"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." ~~Toulouse Lautrec from the movie Moulin Rouge

I just had gentle thoughts and sent them out to the world...to those i know and love very much...family and friends...and then expanded it out to everyone...i am blessed and counted them these last few moments...i am grateful and so full of love...i am rested and feel changed by the shift in my mind i have made...i am growing more and more peaceful...i am feeling loved by the unseen greatness...i feel loved by others...i feel liked even...accepted for who i am...there is a deep gratitude for being accepted...i feel more and more part of the world around me and less seperated...for so long i thought i was one of the broken toys on misfit island...but now i realize none of those toys were broken and i wasnt either...it is so cool to feel a sense of self worth...to know i am worthy and to offer up my good heart to others...

blessings on this lovely day...may we all walk in peace and love well...

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

self other all


yesterday evening i went to my first kundalini yoga class...and i loved it times a thousand...the teaching was on "crystal clear focus" i believe was the exact wording...i found the physical challenges to be invigorating and some even took me to the place in myself i love going...

one exercise had us breathing in a certain way and then with outstretched arms fold them in at the elbow so hands would be over the heart...each arm at a time...and it was so cool! we did it so long and i did it so fast it felt like i had more than two arms...by the end of that exercise i felt like i had six arms...six amazing hands over my heart...when we stopped i felt the arms give me a hug before becoming two again...yeah trippy!...i know...

another exercise i was breathing and became lava flowing through the earth...i was in hawaii and i was traveling fast in the earth...like a fire snake...and then i leaped out of the ground and became red wine thin...then i became flames and red clouds and then darkness...i was high up and in the stars...there was a vast silence...

another exercise we were on our backs and it was a resting exercise...i shapeshifted quickly into this shaft of light i always feel within me...this light i saw in me as a child...as a child i knew when i was happy the "beam" of light was whole and bright but soft...when i was upset it would become fragmented and sharp and could hurt my body...so at this class last night the shaft of light became fluid and left my body...it had a snake movement to it as it left the top of my head...it reached beyond the ceiling...it was with another shaft of light that spiralled around it...this "other" was happy and pulsed with a slightly different vibration...it had a pale...a very pale hint of blue to it...i noticed mine had a very pale red to it...as we danced together and climbed higher we left a trail of pale lavender behind...was ever so slight in this beautiful light trail but it was there...

and then i shifted into an orb of soft light and was at the lake in maine...i wasnt sure if the other light had become a part of my own light or not but i had no human need to know anything or control anything...i just felt immense love...and as the orb i was more me than i could be as a human i felt...i was me and other and all...this is how i can describe it...all at once...i felt the greatness of the unseen who created all and other and me...i felt every color on the planet...every thought...every suffering and every joy...i felt every breath and every heart beat..i felt the pulse of stars and the coldness of the deepest reaches of the ocean...i felt the searing center of the earth and the gentle movement of butterfly wings in warm sun...i felt speed and yet no time...

as the orb i felt big and yet i was not large in a physical way...maybe the size of a volleyball or smaller...i was soft and yet dense...a pure light now...no color...i hovered over the lake i love in maine...and then i quickly dropped in...the water exploded around me...flying up into the air as billions of droplets charged with the light and the words "i love you"...

as each droplet fell to the earth it released the light, the water and the feeling of "i love you" which entered everything...plants, animals, the earth, people...and this was so thrilling and made me so happy i wanted to do it again...so i...though "i" didnt fit at that point...the word i...it was more like a plural i...if you can imagine a plural i...not we...yet not singular...anyway i flew to the ocean...a warm ocean of emerald waters...

i slammed into the ocean sending the empowered droplets again...and they rained down on everything...full of i love you's...and it just made me happier...so i went around the world doing this in different places...i love you in shimmering droplets falling to the earth...

i suddenly felt a pull and ended up in my parents bedroom...they are both confined to hospital beds now...i felt the orb was meant to do healing work and had permission from the flow of healing it was tapped into...

i went from my mom's feet all the way up and out her hands...filling her with healing and love...i noticed the pain in her body, the drugs she was taking, the sadness in her and the fear and loneliness...i felt it and wanted her to feel the love of her creator and to feel safe and to find relief...

i went to my dad...i worked from his feet up...i felt him having pain in his lower back...i felt his shoulder ache...i felt him in a fog from medicine he was taking...i felt a part of him very at peace and grateful and yet a part of him that felt sadness and that he missed being outside...i saw him wanting to touch leaves and yet he couldnt...it made me send him a dream of walking and laughing and playing with his grandchildren in the leaves...i let him know he could go into dreams and play and be whatever age he wished and he could even be young again and run the streets of his hometown or play basketball like he did in high school...i let him know he didnt have to come from the dreams sad...he could go back and dream and be happy...someday he would have a new body...he could feel the pureness of love now and always...that his creator loves him and he is not alone...

i went to the rest of my family and simply offered them healing for whatever they needed healing of...then others i went to...a person very dear to me who is struggling...i offered her healing to use...and her higher self knows it is there...i offered it to others who accepted it...i gave it to my human body still on the mat in the room below me...she was there and at peace...hands to the side...feet pointing out...a blanket over her middle...she was smiling...a tear rolls down the side of her face...she looked so beautiful...i felt very blessed to have that body and to know the human who is colleen...i felt a tenderness towards her...a sense of pride i suppose...at her goodness...her bravery...her tender heart...knowing she struggles and longs to be better and better but she must understand she is exactly how she needs to be and that is perfect within the imperfections...she is so loved...and i sent that love to her...and she accepted it...and then to the dear soul who brought her there i offered light and healing...her soul was shining so brightly it was hard to see her human form at that moment...then to others in the room...a woman behind me who's body was in pain...a friend down the street who was tired...i felt the i love you's still raining down...

i was called back into the body...i was rested and happy...i wiped the tears away and continued on through the class...feeling very at peace...i felt my body lighter and i felt the room full of calm and i felt so very humble and well...just stripped down into the simplicity of breathing and being...

~~~*~~~

so...a new day...it rains...the droplets tap the window...and with each drop i hear "i love you"...i hope if it is raining where you are you hear each drop say i love you...and i hope you feel loved...and then in that love be more loving...

i love you






Monday, December 5, 2011

flowers planted


darkness began to creep in just now...so i planted flowers...shimmering flowers of happiness...flowers leaped up from the acres of my soul...crowding the darkness out...giving myself a strong push towards loving kindness and gentleness with myself...denying the no's of self punishment...i am loved...and i am smiling...i am safe and all is as it should be...and i am amazing as i navigate these new days of my life...i so very much appreciate the person i am and the kindness my own soul offers up to me...i am very blessed to be me...and when the darkness comes i know that even more so...

lovely shimmering day to all...

dreaming thoughts

layers of longings crash through this cold room tonight..flying dragons of good fortune dodge angry little stingers of fear...my mind runs to the rescue and gives me a vision of stars smiling...a quiet apparition of you hovers there--low in a gentle valley...

i am dancing on the damp bluegrass, a wild-eyed girl of happiness...ready to lick the creamy saucer of pleasure...honeysuckle sweetness heavy on the vine...the air sighs with the sway of my dance...

come on...forget the slow turns of life...the ache of heartbreak dissolves in the warm breeze here...your stars give you your signs now...unhinge the heavens with me and let’s rip the night apart....

ohhh the smooth skin of a womanly night! cant you taste her? we can groove to the sultry music of wine-drenched lips draped across the thickening hours of passion...with the drumming hips and the driving base beat...with hands gliding...we are braver than we both have ever been...soul reaching into the sacredness of the other...fears burning away in the heat of our breaths...

slide with me along this slippery slope...i will take you places you have never been...burn baby burn in the crimson of yourself and fan the flames with me tonight... pounce upon the chance to sing this song... dont let it stay trapped inside your throat...sing with me...dance with me...within this world i have made for you tonight...

Sunday, December 4, 2011

the temple


the old brick temple has been swept away in waves of laughter and delight...now there is golden sunshine flooding my days...rays of light lasering in on tired places...spirals of dancing energy creating a new structure for myself...the old patterns and worn tapestry of  life are gone...new weaving has begun...rich colors and subtle textures...layers in harmony...a visual poem rising up...my temple is one of happiness...walls of flowers and a ceiling of stars...a sanctuary for others to come to...i am at home within myself now...

Saturday, December 3, 2011

shaman mask: ghost moondancer


                                                                  acrylic on paper

Friday, December 2, 2011

morning journey



great journey this morning...i was surrounded by feathers and the sounds of flight...taken to the upper world...was at the mouth of a cave in the himalayan mountains...my new guide...a tibetan oracle...was there and sitting on a small stool...there was no sound in this place...i was all the way awakened and filled with deep compassion...i came to the oracle and sat at his/her feet...oracle lifted a hand and gave me a symbol for endurance...for use in the harnessing of my body's wellness energy to channel into productivity, creativity and the stamina to achieve what i will call upon myself to do...it is exciting to be given this refocus to my life...i feel like a puppy again this morning...very in wonder of each new moment...full of love and mischief making...so here i go into this new day...sun shining inside of me and outside the door...happy day... 

Thursday, December 1, 2011

JOHN ♥ YOKO


they were best friends...equals...i remember them on the dick cavett show calling strangers and simply saying "hello, i love you"...they met at yoko's art show in london...john climbed a ladder in her installation piece and saw the word yes on the ceiling...i love that they danced in public and had the same passionate peaceful beliefs...i love that they loved each other so much...

love

to stay aware when life gets difficult is a gift...to stay aware of my own needs and caretake myself through hard times is a blessing to my own humanity...an honoring of life itself...to be compassionate to my painful struggles is a loving kindness as much as if i offer it to another as they struggle...to open myself up and be exposed perhaps is a challenge but in doing so i offer myself a way out of suffering and become a greater healer of the world's suffering...to love myself deeply is to love the world deeply...for the only thing which separates me from another person is a physical body...we are all one in spirit...

this morning i felt this oneness...i felt my own soul...it was warm inside me...growing outward in all directions as i meditated on the most delicate and beautiful word...love...and i felt the oneness...i felt my soul sweep out and wrap everyone in love...i felt a lonely woman houses away...i felt a sick man taking a deep breath as my soul drifted near...i felt the trees and the grass and the molecules of water in the clouds...i felt an infants soft heartbeat and the racing heartbeat of a mouse beneath brown oak leaves...i felt the pulse of the world...billions of heartbeats...trillions of veins of blood pulsing through all those vulnerable bodies which are the temples of their souls...and i was profoundly humbled...

in the dark room i was in my soul reached out and weaved itself around the world...adding to the loving kindness we all need to give and receive...in loving myself i also can love others with a greater depth than i have ever known...in sending love i received it back so easily...i feel loved this morning...not alone...not broken at all...i feel whole...i feel complete...i feel accepted...i feel worthy to be loved...i feel sacred...i feel blessed to have this morning and to be more fully who i was born to be...

i love you...