Thursday, October 31, 2013

samhain

as children's screams and laughter snatch at the darkness tonight...as the wind rattles the tree bones and sends the leaves in a spiraling death dance to the ground...as the streetlight outside my third floor window looks like a cyclops interloper...i sit in my big blue chair with a cozy blanket and a pot of tea...

staring into the bottom of the emptied cup the tea leaves resemble the crescent moon..

i know...as the veil is the thinnest...as spirits walk alongside the living and the living can hear these spirits...as i sit in my solitude and journey...i know i am at the crossroads...

i am ready to step forward and take that wondrous leap of faith...i am ready to open my heart like a dove's soft wings...i am ready to answer the call of my own wild spirit...i am ready to write a more adventuress chapter in my book of the living...

here tonight i am free...i am whole...i am fully plugged in...i am love...




Monday, October 14, 2013

plan b...

plans change and my plan b for the morning is poetry and coffee...my afternoon is studio work and evening is writing...so it all works out...

as the trees shapeshift and there is more dark hours to dine on the candle's light i turn to irish and scotish poets...this morning some silly weeping over robert burns...if you have never read "to a mouse" it is worth the time...such a sweet wee poem...one of my favorites...it is where the line "the best laid schemes of mice and men" comes from...

i am definitely wading through tender-hearted times lately...i feel as if i am breathing in the air of ireland...if you have walked the land there you know what i mean...it isnt a sadness in the land but a suspension of time...the soul of the green hills speaks right into your heart...the etched rainbows in heavy clouds brings your eyes up to smile at god...a slant of light squeezing into a crack in a stone wall reminds you to shine even when you come up against hardship...the fast running wind through a valley reminds you to put out your arms and run/fly too...sheep inching along a cliff's edge tells you the risk is worth it...the raven crossing your path gives you pause to bless the life you have...and Death...the ever present companion walking with us as we walk through our days is silently counting down our allotted steps...

today i feel full of the sacred memories of walking in nature in different parts of the world...i feel humbled...i feel wild and green...just like ireland...

Friday, October 4, 2013

trippy good stuff...

a beautiful meditation leading into a journey tonight...to the pulsing sound of crickets...relaxing into a deep state of knowing...complete emptiness...expanding and expanding...feeling the edges of myself dissolving until i was not a body but a presence...

to get to this expansiveness i went deep into myself...until only i...the eternal...was present...then i went up...beyond the clouds...beyond the stars...beyond the dark...beyond...

i felt it then...the pure love...endless and constant...the flow...i sensed i could ask questions and so i did...and the answers came with such peace and ease...they were mundane questions of what i should be doing and am i on the right path...am i doing ok...and i felt the love simply hold me as it gave me clear loving guidance...my human self feeling comforted and reassured...nurtured...i asked more questions...ones about love and my feelings for others...my ever present drive to keep my heart open and spiritually in alignment with love...the struggles i have with expressing love or being loving...

the one who was answering my questions shined through me...and i felt so...well...part of something indescribably beautiful...what is this i asked...who is this?

lights came...these amazing waves of light i can only describe as joy charged reactions to the happiness i was feeling along with the love....as if i was making this place happy...

some might say the lights are angels but i think of them as light beings...a countless swirling glorious dance of them...moving in waves and whirl pooling to me...and then i sensed what i was in...what i am always in...what i never leave but cant sense fully as a human because i block it with ego and nonconstructive attachments...

i am in the consciousness of god...it is where i always am...in a great flow of love and peace...and in asking i made this consciousness content...as if i brought this human love to this divine love...and simply by my presence of acceptance and appreciation of this beautiful experience i created happiness there...

i thought this is where we all are...this IS the oneness...this immense feeling of endless space within me is actually who i am...i am dwelling always with the consciousness of the beloved...as a visual it is breathtaking...the vastness...and the feeling of love is overwhelmingly inspiring...

there is so much we dont experience as humans...we cant...we have to live this artificial life of body and experience teachings about how to love as a singular form to reflect back into the oneness we are...

ego wants you to think you are god...but ego is all about power and control and keeping you small and struggling...in the oneness i understood this...

i am not god...i am the oneness of everything god is...which to me is different...i dwell in oneness with god...in a consciousness so simple yet so infinite...

my human life is karma...my soul is taking in lessons...i am sending love or suffering out...the suffering can be transformed...the love added...

(wow this is all hard to explain and totally out there...lol)

it is so much better to create happiness and contentment in the consciousness of god than to bring unhappiness to be transformed...i knew this...instantly...feeling it...i felt suffering come from this physical world and sensed the light beings transforming it...

this was so much to experience...still letting it unfold in my human heart and mind...my soul...

but i feel at peace tonight after this head trip...

i feel like i am even more sure than ever god is love...and i am with god and i am love...even as my human activities sometimes dilutes the love as it comes up in me...i am still always in the consciousness of the beloved...not really here at all...just in a body doing human things...

and it is ok to be this human doing this life...humans arent so bad...actually it is very remarkable to have a physical body...to have limits and challenges and obstacles...to overcome...to transcend is a good thing for a human to achieve...to not be afraid and to simply forget about measuring time or being in such a hurry to gobble life up...being more human is to be more loving i took away from this as well...

so i am going to be more human from now on...



Saturday, September 28, 2013

the sword...

breathing is not good...asthma attacks.. but i know it is the holding back i do...the hot coals of anger using up all my oxygen before it reaches my lungs...my veins...my brain...but it is creating something amazing in me...and i accept this...

the gentle holding of my heart keeps me anchored to my art...my self work...my journey teachings...i am grateful for the fire and for the hearts crafting of a great tool for my life...i take each suffering moment of my life up to exam and transform it...it is as if there is a ringing sound of hammer to metal...and this i came to understand...the memory of the town blacksmith...the thrill of seeing the sparks as he struck the hammer to glowing metal...my journeys are coming together to create something for me...i am seeing it to the end...

(this morning)

most of last night and yesterday i was sifting through the stench and dirt of an old barn in my journey work...as well as a dirty apartment building my grandparents owned and i was constantly cleaning...i was reclaiming myself and reuniting bits and pieces of myself from my childhood and then adulthood...a cupful of tears that soaked the earthen floor...a torn shirt memory...healing all the bruises...pushing away the abuser as he lifted a belt, a piece of rubber race track, a fist, a pair of scissors...standing apart from a mother who wanted me to parent her and be her support instead of her being a strong mother...but she couldnt...she broke early on...when she didnt have the emotional use for me she would farm me out to my mamaw and aunt...but in my journey work i stopped myself from making it better for her...i let myself be a child and play...it was as if i had a rewind and did it differently...yet came away with the lessons of both paths...i feel stronger for this...

i am connecting the events of trauma like dots on a map...understanding my adult actions and who i came to be and how to remove the not good parts of who i am...

in this time of retreat i lost faith and hope in the world...in people...in myself...in the silence of others in my childhood...in the silence of others in my adult world...in the power and control games of my childhood...in the power and control games i see as an adult...in the roles others played in abusing me...

i would seek out abuse as an adult and teen to get the fix and the relief of the time after when the abuse would stop and i could just collapse...abused people know this trick...sometimes you collapse into illness...other times depression...but it seems to always follow a traumatic moment or an abusive situation...it is the addiction of abuse...you become addicted to the release and will suffer the drug of punishment to have it...a person is your bottle of pills...an abusive person...who will give you a dose of abuse...a fix...so you can sink low and fall through the bottom to the numbing silence of isolation you suffered but found relief in as a child...i know...

it is a miserable thing to know how much i have hurt myself using others...but i know now...and i know not to as well...stopping myself as i reach for a bad relationship...an abusive situation...a dysfunctional person who will harm me...it has meant stopping contact with everyone for awhile and looking at what i do...and what they do...and seeing who to be around and who will just give me a fix...i now understand...it hasnt been until last night that i fully understand my trigger and when i pull it...this self inflicted wounding as i use another persons dysfunction...it feels so good to know completely...finally...

i have to thank that violent childhood of adults dancing their dysfunctions and fears over the children in their lives...you made me who i am today...one who sees through all manner of bullshit...who carries anger in her and is now transforming it into something greater...i can now protect my spiritual self and defend myself from anyone who wants to reach in and harm the vulnerable places in me...

i didnt become you...i am not weak and fearful...i dont hide out...what you see is what you get...i am stronger than anyones hate...i am more empowered than anyones punishment doled out in gossip or rejection...i am smarter than your game and politics of power and control...i am more than your ego's bullying...i am braver than your negative energy and dark thoughts...

i am all sides of me now...the peaceful and the angry...the light and dark...the body and spirit...the female and male...the earth and air...the fire and water...

i am no longer a ghost of my own life but a fully fleshed out human with a spirit that never broke...and a heart that never closed...righteously angry but cunning in how i react...never weak and silent again...no ones fool...not even my own...

and to those who harmed me...i forgive you...and thank you for the suffering you helped me create...i didnt know fully what i was doing to myself until now...and what you were helping me to do...it was all about transforming the pain into something greater...with each blow...with each mean thought directed at me...with each cruel word spoken to me...with each abusive action and manipulation...you hammered a great sword in the fires of my own suffering...i am a stronger warrior and healer than i ever knew...


 
 
i lift this sword not as a weapon to harm anyone...but as a beacon of light for my own self and others...i didnt go into the darkness and burn up in the flames of suffering...i lifted my spirit high and let it create the most noble and righteous sword for healing...i transform my painful experiences with it...and in ending my suffering i add light to the world...
 
may you who suffer see the path out of it and walk that path with the strength of spirit and the fire of your own suffering transformed...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 




Friday, September 27, 2013

ziggy marley says it best...

 
 
 
 
 
"Life has come a long way since yesterday, I say
And it's not the same old thing over again, I say
Just do what you feel and don't you fool yourself, I say
'Cause I can't make you happy unless I am, I say, I say, I
Got to be true to myself, got to be true to myself
Got to be true to myself, got to be true to myself
Day in, day out I've asked many questions, I say
Only to find the truth, it never changes, I say
If you don't deal with it, it keeps killing you a little by little, I say
Call me selfish if you will, my life I alone can live, I say, I say, I
Got to be true to myself, got to be true to myself in a way now
Got to be true to myself, got to be true to myself
I don't care if it hurts, I'm tired of lies and all these games
I've reached a point in life, aey no longer can I be this way
Don't come crying to me, I too have shed my share of tears
I'm moving on, yes I'm grooving on, aey well I'm finally free
I've got to be true to myself, got to be true to myself in a way y'all
Got to be true to myself, got to be true to myself, c'mon now
Got to be true, got to be true, got to be true to myself in a way y'all
Got to be true, got to be true, got to be true to myself"
 
 
never give up on yourself and never stop being yourself...
 
 
i have been an idiot for a long time now...made a fool out of myself for love again and again...stood up for justice and fairness but got hammered for it...havent stepped off my spiritual path for anyone...took less so others could have more...let myself be walked all over at times...lived in fear and lived with courage...i have had money and been flat broke...i worked long hours at jobs i hated and been unemployed...left abusive relationships and stayed in them for too long...i have lied to myself more than others...put up with too much BS...i have given away time to those not worthy of it while not giving time to good decent folks...i have hated myself often...but more than anything...more than all the good and the not good of my life i have always tried to stay hopeful...keep moving forward...keep healing...
 
tonight i got into the belly of the beast with it all...seeing through BS once again...understanding more about things than i wanted to know...unwilling to play by rules in a silly game constructed by ego...and i was feeling stupid...but then...i shifted my perspective...and stopped caring about the world and its bullshit...i dont care about anything other than my soul and my healing and my life tonight...
 
the rest is just not worth it...healing from my childhood and overcoming the pain of adulthood is all that matters tonight...i am getting there...and i know it...i know when i wake up tomorrow i am waking up to the truth...my truth...all of it...and i can take it...i can let go of the crap...hold close the goodness and live a better day than this...
 
i am excited...thrilled at this strength rising up in me...i have been this idiot who has screwed up in life and been screwed over...i am a human yet more...i am me...the me behind all of this...and damn it i sit here tonight in love with this stupid little life and all my human mess...that is a victory we should all know...to just say to hell with it...all the judging others do...all the demands and all the pressure to conform...
 
overcome...break free...be that one horse who kicks open the barn door and runs wild through the storm until you find the promised land of wide plains and tall skies...sweet grass to eat and cool spring water to fill you up...escape while you can...they want to nail the door shut...all those sheeple out there who want to pretend everything is ok just the way it is...let them stay imprisoned and trapped in the dark walls of that barn...fattened up and slaughtered! dont do it to yourself...dont stay there in that barn...dont give up...freedom is calling you out...
 
i AM that horse tonight...kicking free...running wild!

 

Thursday, September 12, 2013

re-birthday

another sleepless night...the summer closing out...fall coming...letting it all fall now...the last threads holding the old patterns together...time shifting and folding and coming in and out like the tide...as the moon grows fuller i know i am emptying out more...and i am completely surrendering to this death of the old...

last summers end was so different...i was full of hope...after being set free of depression and being healed of that long suicidal battle i felt so hopeful...my birthday was coming up...i was buying a 50th cake...went to a cake shop...felt so excited and playful...but as my birthday approached so many i had coming to the party backed out last minute or put me last on their list...it felt odd and yet i had some amazing friends show up and made it a great party...

the following day a sweat lodge in my honor though it was an odd experience and a huge unraveling...i wouldnt have known i was honored but for the mention of it...there was no prayer...no recognition...it just was...i went off to the side and made offering...drummed...called upon my ancestors...asked for their blessing and healing...it had been years since i had done a sweat...i felt a longing undefined...i felt my roots go deep into mother earth...i felt the other womens energies...some not good...some full of ego...it was an odd but profound moment of understanding how i was perceived...one person even called me by anothers name...it was startling yet i was seeing more clearly then and it was empowering...i actually felt a deep loss that night...yet a deep understanding...the learning of perceptions had arrived...i lost women out of my life then...it was also a lesson about who you can trust and just how to perceive things in life with clear sight and stay true to myself...

it took months to heal from but i am on the last bits of it as well...i will never look with rose colored glasses at others again...i will not trust or let folks close to me who do not respect me...i deserve more dignity than i was shown then...but i have learned just how dangerous closed hearts and fear-based lives are to others...a closed heart is the most dangerous thing a human can possess...i do not trust closed heart people to do right by me or anyone...they are into avoidance of pain...and in this great fear of feeling vulnerable they cause great harm to themselves and others...i will never again put myself into their cage...

i let myself become overly cautious for awhile...it was good to do...i also allowed myself to feel what i needed to feel without censoring myself...

this summer i got deep into it all...my childhood and all the drama of the adults around me then...the damage it did to me...i am finally healing it with such a grace-filled compassion towards myself and them...and in healing that past i am healing the suffering of last year and of brokenness...those relationships were simply the re-creation of chidhood players of drama..amazing to see it now...

i sit in my apartment tonight feeling as if i am nearly drained of my old life...my health not recovered yet i have faith i will come back up from it...the stress is leaving me and this usually helps me recover my health...this time i dont want to let the stress return...i can be done with it as i am done with depression...

i am seeing myself and others with a startling honesty now...i see the dysfunctions of others and how mine is triggered and activated by theirs...i was talking this week to someone who became annoyed with me talking...and i watched it as i was speaking...i didnt pull back...i stood in my own power...women have this thing they do....they want me to be more like a docile man and shut up...listen to them...let them boss me....but i dont...i am a lesbian not a pseudo man...i am talkative like women can be...i am insecure and emotional...i am a woman...duh...yet so many women i have had in my life see me as this she male thing...and it is to me a mistreatment because i am a lesbian...it hurts...i have even had to tell women i am a woman...literally remind them i have the same feelings as them...yet it seems to get lost on them and they go right back to the same old treatment....then i dont give them what they want and they definitely dont like it...

straight women sometimes treat men and lesbians in such a bossy pushy way...not allowing themselves to simply stand in their own power while not seeking power over another...i am the monkey wrench in their plan...i dont let myself be controlled or manipulated any more...i have my power back...and some women dont like a strong woman around them...it is a threat to their power...like i want to take something from them...when i dont...i actually want to see them succeed...i just dont want to get walked all over in the process or be manipulated into doing anything i dont want to do...

i set myself free of trying to please others and now i just please myself...it makes for a more peaceful life...

i am in the end game of my healing...a process that started when i turned thirty...my birthday is coming up...a little over 20 years of self work and i finally understand how i abuse myself and how i self sabotage and why...why i picked women as partners who werent in love with me with much passion and who would get so annoyed by me...my dysfunctions and their dysfunctions making it so painful for both of us...i get it all now...i was simply looking for a parent who would reject me while picking partners who would infact reject me...simple and yet a pattern too hard to break until i reached deep and got fully engaged with my childhood and the healing...

i still have a heavy duty bit of childhood to lay to rest...but i am doing it...and it is at once emptying me out and freeing me up...i do feel the labor pains of my own rebirth...i feel the ripping apart and burning away of all that childhood mess...and i feel i am making peace with the patterns repeated through my adulthood...still need to forgive and heal a couple of interactions with people in my recent past...and i will...i dont want to hold onto the hurt of it any more...perhaps it will allow me to move on and find love...true love...i know i deserve it...though i can also be a true love to myself now...and am...

i am stronger even as my body has taken on illness from all the stress of dealing with my dark parts fully at last...but i know this short run of illness and asthma will go away as i free myself more and step fully into my new life...the one i finally allow myself to have....

so tonight sleep is still not coming as i write this...nearly 2 a. m....so i am going to journey into my last threads...brave it...let myself dream of it...understanding more...and finding greater peace and healing...this fall is about harvesting my life's work and moving on into a new time...i feel so grateful for the work i have done and the help others have given me through these 20 years of work...i feel like celebrating a re-birthday this year...in nature perhaps...in the quiet unfolding of gentle hours...walking barefoot on the good earth...feeling the drumming of my own heart....this september is a blessing...i know this birthday will be so much more peaceful...opening wings...finding my way...free...










Sunday, September 1, 2013

to you...it is always you...

you are the sky of my happiness today...the ghost of your kind ways haunting my heart...lingering around the edges of all my smiles...leaping up from the fire of my joy like snapping dragons...thank you and thank you and thank you...

i once looked at your palm and saw your life line curving to the same degree as the slope of your hip...it made me blush even after we had traded a thousand kisses...and i still blush at the thought of your life line curving over me...

i am forever anchored to the love still whispering yes in my soul...

sweetly simple wings fold in to warm me in my thoughts of you...and the flow of thank you...the flow of love...

my dreams made more peaceful to gaze into...the comfort of your presence in my mind keeping the growling teeth of nightmares from me...

it is always you...as night lifts up on soft paws and comes to sit in my lap...these stretching hours of longing...not for the steam of sex but the uncorking...the decantation...the breaths of love...life line touching life line...giving in to gravity...to a relaxing of bones...to a sigh of taste...

i open the window...the candle falls silent...i lift my life line to the darkness and let go...thank you...to you...from me...always...



Monday, August 19, 2013

inside joke

particles colliding...thats all that matters...

(inside jokes always make me laugh...on the inside...which i am...laughing...on the inside...i have to laugh alot these days...on the inside...held together by endless collisions...smashing bumper cars of frantic cells)

a bird hit the window this morning...particles colliding...and i wondered if cartoon birdies flew around its head

(laughing...on the inside...inside my apartment)

i use to know so much more than i do now...but ignorance is bliss...i am growing more blissful each day as my brain is eaten away by the last of my evolutionary path...pathways narrowing...on the inside...white light vibrating...a harmony of humming energy...

(laughing on the inside at the grey matter turning to dark matter...its a cosmic thing...and i am laughing on the inside at another joke god and i have been running back and forth to each other)

my soul sees me as a carbon copy...this imprint is much lighter...lines blurred...the carbon specks more fuzzy after each run through...from dark to light...more copies to come...but not many more...

and here i am...the pop science junkie...from omni magazine and nova fed youth...smiling at the buzzing flies in my memories...i named each one einstein because they all looked the same and flew with the wild wonder of atoms circling the carcass diner...

the einsteins who kneeled at the altar of decay worshipping science in their own way...a chorus of buzzing...a holy feast...sin eaters...transforming death...

i feel the place in my brain that sizzles sometimes...an itch i cant scratch...fingernails-on-chalkboard annoying...i have to say my abc's so it goes away...or flex my hands...or tilt my head and think about the ocean...tricks...to distract my brain who hates numbers but gets stuck counting them...

my funny grey matter...

(laughing at me...on the inside)

i am unable to remember my phone number but i can recite the one i had as a child...i dont remember what i had for breakfast...but i know what i was eating when i was nine...when my dad had a tantrum and threw a pale blue plate against the wall...i remember the slide of spaghetti and the stain it made...which looked like the state of texas...but...what did i have for breakfast today?

patterns and numbers and photons and nothing matters...carbon and stardust...collisions...

a child takes your hand and you know there is a god because you can see god in the childs soul-filled eyes...a god so big in those eyes...a universe swirling there...dense...deep...expanding...

einstein buzzes across the room...less than the speed of light...but too quick for me to snatch him up...

particles colliding countlessly in this room...but my brain will not let me think about the endless counting...

i walk to the window...open it wide...einstein exits...i feel...nothing...matters...

(i chuckle...on the inside...another inside joke)







Friday, August 16, 2013

the gift of anger...

this has been the summer of torching the last shreds of my dignity...this has been the summer of allowing anger to course through me like a wild animal on fire...and tonight has been the most clench-fisted night of my life...

have you had that moment yet?...maybe in the middle of your midlife crisis when you realize the person who you wanted to spend your life with really could care less if you are there or not? or maybe it is the moment when your smart mouthed kid tells you to go F yourself? or when your boss treats you like a slave and not an employee? it is that moment when you completely die to it all and give up...where you just dont care any more...you sunk your heart and soul into something that was an absolute waste...

then after that moment you have the next moment...you take a look at what is left...how many years are left...who is left...what you are willing to put up with...and then the next moment is one of action...of getting up off your loser arse and throwing out all the broken promises and pathetic people in your life...slapping your 20-something across the mouth the next time they call you a name...or raking everything off your desk into the trash and walking out on your stupid boss...

what is it for you? the breaking point when you are sick of being sick of the same old tired worn out crap from your life and the crap others hand you?

for me it is like i have been an irish stew...my life slowly heating up til it is a rolling boil...scorching the bottom of the pot...bubbling over...the anger...the glorious anger of a ruined life...what a waste it has been but what a delicious freedom i feel tonight...

it snapped so easily...so clean and with only alittle pain...this evening...the struggle is over...i am free of giving a damn any more...i dont have to work so hard for only the crumbs any more...i dont want them...i dont need crumbs...people are too self absorbed to share a slice of happiness with me so keep your crumbs...no more leftovers to feel left out with...no more cheap meals while others feast...i am done with it all and the bitterness of it is leaving me tonight...

this life...it is just life people...it isnt even a speck...it is pointless and it is shameful now...this world we have collectively created...the violence...the hate...the rape of mother earth...humanity is a cancer eating this planet bit by bit...and we all know it...we all know in our guts what the outcome will be if we keep at it...and we are keeping at it...

i am rooting for nature...our best nature and the planets best nature...but like my dad use to say "nothing lasts and nothing matters...even the mona lisa will no longer be there some day"....i fought knowing that all these years...i fought alot of things...not any more...i started breaking and quiting and giving up last year...not in a depressed state but in a rational state...in understanding the world is very broken and full to the brim with broken people...

i saw alot of it very clearly last year...of how ego and especially women with rabid egos are killing this world...i mean many men can be brutes with their guns and bombs...but women had such a great calling to heal themselves and this world...to give birth to revolution on a scale that would be remembered for thousands of years...but i see what is happening everywhere now...women are now aping the brutish vulgarities...they are tearing it all down right alongside of men...their egos so busy defending their dysfunctions...and i have occasionally even joined in...i have watched women like my mother and other mothers over the years...passing on the disease to the next generation...the de-evolution of the feminine divine...and i know now that women are the death nail in all of this...and it is ok...my dad was right...nothing lasts...

and i wasted most of my life wanting something some of us just dont get...because nice people do finish last...so i finish last...that is fine too...i will paint and do my best to feel good about myself...be me...but that thing i held onto for so long...that hope i would be seen as equal to those around me...i dont care any more...reject me? put me down? make me less than you? well guess what...i AM more evolved than you....i would never do to a man woman or child what has been done to me...i deserve better but you dont have it in you...you are weak and a coward and are a waste of my energy...and i am free of you...

 





 

Saturday, August 3, 2013

the boulder crumbles...

i hear the songs from the edge of the world rolling in on hungry waves...notes trip over each other in a hurry to land...the rhythm of the words settle against the edge of my mind...

i am in love with the ocean...in awe of the sacred sway of constant ritual she flows with...in the realm of other she is a roaring queen of deep knowing...she is the goddess of clearing away and reforming...the teacher of impermanence...

the holy night intervenes once again and pulls the veil down over this shore of longing...making familiar the coarse body engulfed by the beloved...the ocean pushes on...thrashing against the boulder i have become...finding places to pry and pierce...until one crashing wave breaks the boulder to bits...this is when you see the heart of a stone weep...

no hope for return of love...worn down...this boulder has surrendered her all...good days gone...low tide...fully exposed...

the wild haired siren laments...a bittersweet song of dead dreams and hope soured comes sweeping in on a grey dawn...the ocean picks up and leaves pieces of her lover everywhere...

who can blame the ocean...it is in her nature to take and to deconstruct love's offerings...but who can say the boulder was weak...for the love in pieces still remains love complete...still offered up...still given freely...no shame...no blame...just love...

the sky still holds the sun and moon...the stars still give their signs...the waves still come and go...the ocean still reaches for the same place it has always known...though what is left is but a memory of a boulder who loved and stayed til it fell apart...

i love the ocean...she is worth it...this immense beauty...this force of nature grander than anything i could be...though i wish i could have been touched more gently by her...held and loved in return...but it is the oceans nature to be as she is...this i accept...and love her...just love her...as she is...

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

loves offering

i turn back the clock to tune into my most happy time...mountains moonlight and possibilities...i was sooooo in love...eating birthday cake with our hands...i was sooooo much younger then...love notes and poetry...hours in a tangle...caught in showering laughter...held in peaceful thoughts...

learning to hold a paintbrush once again and face the canvas of my life...my beloved muse smiled at me with such delight...

taking it slow...the minutes towed me up the stairs and into her arms...

i let my immortal soul rise up...so delicious to taste all my hopes and dreams on those lips...and look into anothers eyes...and lose my body of fear...

tonight i sit with salt, a bottle and lime...i raise a shot 3 times...1 for the child who didnt make it out alive...1 for the woman who survived...and 1 for the never ending grace of love...

i am more than this cage of bones but i feel so human tonight...wings wont come to fly me away...i am earthbound yet i see with eagle spirit eyes...my sight is directed in and out into the future life...i see it as one different than i thought it would be...last year was the tower falling...sisters setting fire to everything...cackling crones crushing the bones of all my trust...

closed hearts are the death plague...and yet i understand what death really is...the tower falling is just a structure that needed to come down...and fear was all it was built on...the ground was never sacred...

i am grateful for the destruction...it leads me to this night...it sits me here and gives me victory over all the darkness closed hearts weave...i sit and am filled with inspiration...i feel the song of life rising up in me...this is the yawp...the mighty cry of victory...

love lives on for dancing eyes and the soft flight of hands...love will nest inside this heart for my beloved muse...i paint now and hold my brush with a stiffer grip...yet when i think upon that first kiss i am young again...

i will build a temple this hour...one filled with pure light...that noone can pull down or burn away...this temple is to honor the soul of my love...this temple placed within a sacred heart...loves endless offering...


 

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

no egg on my face...

The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”~Camus
 
yesterday was one of the hardest days i have had to experience in some time...alot just hit the fan...a big emotional day after a build up of alot of stuff that just kept coming up in me...stress and loneliness and being the most broke i have been for the longest stretch of time...the positive part of myself being my anchor through the day showed me just how beautiful the human spirit is...even in the toughest spots yesterday i let the light and the love find me and flood me...having a constant connection to the unseen is so grace-filled...i just asked for the strength to simply go through the day as lovingly as possible...keeping my heart open and just walking the path...towards the end of the day i was fierce...
 
i attempted to buy my dad a birthday card again yesterday and found it such a hard thing to do...started crying in the store and walked out....dont even know why it has been hard...maybe the cards just are too loving and thankful...i cant say thanks for being there or for having my back...he rarely did...he treated me like a sibling he fought with and not a dad...as a teen and adult he hugged me once because mom made him...i cant recall him ever saying i love you...now he lays in a hospital bed at my brother and sister-in-laws home...i dont know if he has much more time on the planet...he seems bored but happy to be surrounded by family...i feel a deep compassion for him and how his life is winding down...i think if he had his life to do over again knowing how it ends he would have done it differently...he spent many years very unhappy with his life i know...
 
maybe this is what is getting to me...what unhinged me yesterday...i have spent many years unhappy with my life...just floating through it...uninspired and feeling very disrespected by others...that was him...he was often sighing and bored with his home life...he was definitely not respected by my mom and others when i was growing up...he would go to church sometimes and take a preaching gig...he was actually good at it...i remember him telling a story about folks walking around on eggshells...
 
"folks walk around on eggs all the time...wobbling and trying to stay upright...at work and school and at home...with friends and relatives...you can try to do the right thing and someone is always there to push you over...those eggs will always get you...you will fall and get covered...egg all over your face...but what if you stomp your feet and walk with the power of god's word and not the fear of other peoples words...how would that change things to listen to god?"
 
as he was telling the story he would tip toe and do a mime act of walking on eggs...then he would fall over and get up pulling a hanky from his back pocket to wipe the egg off his face...he would stomp and jump up and down smashing imaginary eggs...when he asked the question he would say it softer and softer...three times...how would it change things to listen to god? 
 
it was one of his best preachings...it stuck with me...i see him jumping up and down...rattling the old church windows in one of those simple white clapboard buildings out in the country...the modest steeple and three steps up...no wheelchair ramps back then...we still believed in miracles back then...a pile of crutches at the side of the stairs where sinners came in and earth angels walked out...
 
he would have been happy to be a preacher...to inspire folks...to get his ego fed...to get attention and a big family of the faithful...but he was afraid to fight for his dream...mom didnt like it...and he needed a wifes support to take that step into doing the work...he didnt make the leap of faith he wanted others to make...he didnt listen to his own heart...but he did take lunch breaks in the city years ago and witnessed to folks...he preached in his own way i guess...though i think he would have been a much happier fulfilled man if he had followed his heart and had himself a country church...
 
instead he was often very unhappy...escaping into whatever drama he made for himself...my mom often didnt respect him...didnt see what he gave up to earn a better living and sell out his dream...they stayed together yet both of them really didnt step outside their comfort zones often...i think his grandson gave him alot of joy...the pictures i saw of them playing and the couple of times i saw my dad with his grandson playing...i see my dad happy to see this growing young man walk in the room and give him some attention when mom doesnt hog it...it is a beautiful thing to see the same shine in his eye as the one i saw when he stomped imaginary eggs...
 
i have lived a free life for most of my life...pushing myself out of my comfort zone again and again...but i started down the same path as my dad a few years ago...i gave up on my dreams...i think years ago in maine i gave up on them and got very lost...i let go of the things that mattered to me...i became so discouraged...
 
i looked up at the same sky yesterday i have always looked into...i felt the connection of all these years gone by...i did a water blessing behind an old mill...sending out love...the clouds were reflected in the dark face of the water...the clouds sailed through the water...waterlilies pocking the cloudy face with pads and flowers...
 
my thoughts were crowded...i watched a turtle pop its head up from the waterlilies...i sat on a bench i and sighed deeply...hearing it echo across the water...a sound wave of energy full of letting go...i inhaled love...
 
since maine 14 years have passed...that relationship is gone...i failed at another...i have lived alone now for a little over a year and hate it...i am struggling to pay off the last of a hospital bill and car taxes...i am painting with hands that feel like sausages...my fingers get so stiff from the work i have to run them under hot water and peel the paintbrush out of my hand...i always worried about my eyesight going but it is my hands giving out i now concern myself with...
 
i sat on the bench yesterday and felt the weight of the years and the heavy day push my shoulders down...i bent over and sobbed...it felt good to just let go for a moment before pulling myself together for journey group...
 
journey group was amazing...before we started i drew a small drawing and wrote over it: eliminate the resistance...the words just came up in me...i smiled...i was listening to god...
 
we did the journey and the topic was about letting things fall away...well if that wasnt a sign to eliminate resistance i dont know what else would be...so i journeyed...and i did...i felt the flow of love washing my resistance away...i felt the power of love lift me up...i felt my warrior courage rise up...the passion to heal fill my heart...i was on fire...i wanted redemption...i stomped those damn eggs...i was being prepared to do a big releasment...to reclaim a part of myself i had let go of so very long ago...as a child...
 
in the first journey we did i went to the middle world and saw my aunt del...she was visiting my aunt gerl's land...she was killing chickens for dinner...she took me with her and she taught me how...pick it up and snap its neck by whipping its body...i tried it...it was easy...she said the chicken doesnt struggle if you dont struggle...and it was true...you just pick it up and whip it...see the chicken is in the flow already...just like all of nature...it has its purpose and it just is...a frog eats a fly...a fox chases down a rabbit...a human kills a chicken for dinner...there is the chase but that is just one part of it all...the fly tries to escape...so does the rabbit and chicken...but in the end there is a letting go...a moment of relaxing into death...a surrender...and then it is transformed...it becomes something else...and they somehow just know to let go...the chicken relaxes into its death...
 
i am the chicken that has been running around fighting it...my aunt del said in the journey to not fight it..."they want to break you then break all the way" and i got it...dont resist...see where it takes me after i break the rest of the way...become new...
 
and so after years of it all i stopped...in the journey i was the chicken...my neck was snapped...i fell into darkness...yet there i saw the light come to me...it has always been there...flowing...with all the answers...with all the ancient knowing...the infinite waves of consciousness...i was standing there in it again...and when i came out of the journey i saw all the bullshit thicker and more repulsive than before...my own and everyones...and i dont want it touching my life any more...
 
in the second journey we did in group i went to the cosmic door and opened it...and there i entered a place of my childhood where i was treated horribly...i went up to the adult treating me with such immense cruelty and i put an end to it...i felt empowered...i got back my dignity at last...i got all those years of potential back...they started regrowing vitality in me...a new configuration of strength is rooting in me since then...i have been preparing myself for it....and it is growing...i felt it late last night...i sense it this morning...
 
and i have to smile...i think of my dads egg story and had a journey with chickens in it...and here i am this morning boiling eggs for breakfast!...life is so crazy and so surreal and so interesting...i feel the shift from yesterdays roller coaster ride of emotions to this calm morning...i drummed for a friend earlier...i meditated on self respect...i washed my smiling face and baptised my day with a prayerful song...
 
i sipped my coffee and looked around this apartment...the props i am not attached to...the paintings finished and half done...i pick up my drum...i journey again...to god...to listen...
 
the walls fall away and there is the sun and the clouds and the treetops...the breeze carrying in the scent of some unknown flowers....i am flying high...over buildings...making my way to the ocean...the the open waters...to an island where god sits in the form of a small girl...she is tanned and sitting like a tomboy...she is letting sand sift through her fingers...she is happy to see me...i ran up and gave her a hug...we walked up the beach holding hands and talking about silly things...
 
she points to a cloud shaped like a tiger...i pick up a shell and hand it to her...this place makes sense...full of peace...gently unfolding...i fill with love...in the distance there is confusion...people all tangled up fighting...they become seagulls fighting over a fish...they dont see the other fish flopping in the water...thousands of fish ready to be snatched up...they fight over this one...while one seagull is fighting with another a third one grabs the fish...it tries to fly away but another seagull pulls the fish away...the girl/god tells me to just stay focused and keep walking...as we walk through the seagulls i feel a tug to shift and become one too...but god squeezes my hand and keeps me focused...the seagulls keep fighting...the fish in the water are leaving...
 
down the beach i turn and see the seagulls as people again...they are still fighting for something...a scrap of paper they keep snatching away from each other...they want to know something but not share it with others...i smile at this...for i know what is written on the piece of paper they are fighting each other for...it is a single word...love...
 
god sees me smiling over this...she starts laughing and running up the beach...i run too...the sun shining sweetly...the waves splashing into us...we are happy...
 
out of the journey i feel like i am stronger today than yesterday...not hassled by what i struggled with before...gonna eat my boiled eggs and finish my coffee...gonna go outside for a walk and listen to god today...
 
 
 
  
 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

there is no game...

so much is making sense to me lately...like you get one big piece of the puzzle that helps you put the rest of it together...you know? when you look at the jumbled mess and it suddenly has a noticeable pattern where before it just looked like chaos?

my big puzzle piece was when i journeyed to god...it was right there in that moment i saw everything lined up and spelled out...

a simple message...i am loved...

the rest is just our own torment we heap on ourselves and others...

i came back from that shamanic journey plugged in...oh a few times i almost unplugged again but this aint gonna happen! being plugged in is too important to me...

i still have folks who react to me the same way...they try to tell me how to feel or what they think i am feeling...they try to guilt me boss me or put me down...but i see it for what it is now...just their own game they play with themselves...and it makes me chuckle where i use to get mad or hurt and beat the stuffing out of myself for not being good enough...

now i see it all as power tripping and ways they try to control this game they think they are playing...but...there is no game...none...so many people push and pull at each other and get all grrr about things...they build an obstacle course around their heart...they lay down mindfields and we wont even go into all the other crazy game props and the endless shifting rules...but in the end there is no game...

people think there is only so much to go around so they snatch up as much as they can and hoard it all for themselves...occasionally doling out crumbs so they can taste their own power...but here is the other thing i know...the good stuff pie is as big as we all need it to be...it is a really really really big pie...enough pie for god to eat off of for a gazillion years...that is big huh? yet we hoard love and money and time and happiness and affection and well all the good stuff as if there is only enough for a few...and then the few gets whittled down to the point you think there is only barely enough for you...silly huh?

and then there is time..."i dont have the time"...yes you do...there are just some people more important to spend time with...some events more important to you than others...no problem there...it is just that silly phrasing "i dont have the time"...sure you do...you have 24/7 just like me...but the game tells you to hide all truths...to create facades and plastic decoys of emotions...honesty and integrity dont win you the game...right? generosity and kindness make you a weak player...right?

but remember...the game isnt real...you cant win it...you can just be controlled by the inventor of the game...

i am finding bullshit everywhere because folks are over thinking things and trying to stay two moves ahead...so they assume things rather than just let things be...i have done this...it is part of the game...i am learning not to...i dont know if i am becoming jaded or just see how tedious so much of life has become...but the whole thing is part of the game and the game is so nonproductive...

ego gobbles up so much of our happiness...it loves the game...it wants you addicted to it...it invented the game...it gives you sips of power and you get hooked....you need to know everything and every one's motives so you can play the angles and win at the game...but it is a game that never ends...and nobody wins...everybody in fact loses...well except for the ego...ego gathers up more and more power and adds it to the darkness of the world...the light and happiness are diminished...suffering grows...the world falls into darkness and great sorrow...

i am seeing through my own BS and others so clearly and this makes my ego and other folks egos freak out...cant have any witnesses you know...those still playing the game hate witnesses...they want you to participate in their dysfunctional addiction to the game...

the wizard ego is only as powerful as the illusion you help it create...the curtain needs to stay drawn so the little ego man behind it can keep pulling the levers...but if you can just reach out...reach past the game and touch the curtain...pull it back...look...you will see the little ego man pulling the levers...and then you might see something else...the fear in his eyes...and then there is something else you might see...

as you look back over your shoulder you might see all the other people playing the game right along with you...and then beyond them...beyond the sea of hungry ghosts you just might see the emerald city...it is in the heartland of happiness...

if you walk in and climb the stairs you might see one more thing...one of the most remarkable things you might ever see...you will see a portal to another place...beyond the beyond...and there in pure love you will meet god...in a place with no judgement and no fear...with no religions or dogma...with a full embrace of who you are...an embrace of pure love so breathtaking you will never forget how it feels to be loved so deeply...and you will plug back in...you will never want to be unplugged again or play the game for even one more second...

i hope this for everyone...that you stop playing the game and find the love...let it plug you back in...let it help you know when you are getting ready to unplug...alarms will go off...you will feel you are losing the connection and you wont want to do things the way you use to do them...you will see through all the BS this world can fling at you...ego will not have the horrible grip on you ever again...you will be free...not without moments of challenge and human events of sorrow...but you will have the pure and full access to the flow of love...it will assist you in navigating this human realm like you have not experienced since you were a very young child...before you became unplugged...

i hope this for you...more than anything else i hope you stand in the presence of this immense love and plug back in...




Monday, July 22, 2013

one word left...

i send words out to you...slipped into the silence...hanging there like stars...waiting to be touched...this is the part of me i give to no other...the gift...a sacred incantation to make me visible and understood...but i know even before i send these soft notes from my heart they are not seen as anything but a plain string of shells or a pile of old bones...you do not see the gift...the vulnerability...the humility...you see the waste of time in reading my words...there is no celebration...no blessing...i bother you with my drivel do i?

words lose meaning when they are not read...they implode like stars and empty out of all their wonder...there is no joy...no embrace...

there it is...you have conquered the heavens...you have turned the angels mute...the muse has struck down the artist...i am empty of all my stars...

i am relieved to be beyond the beyond...i have to smile at this...i always thought hell was warmer...but it is actually quite cold...and dark...and wordless...and even now i have to admire the heartless muse...the star killer...the master of the heavens...it must be an amazing power coursing through your icy veins...you slay hearts with bone crushing silence...you break spirits with your indifference...i wish i had just one drop of your powers...i would finish all of this that you enjoy tormenting like a cat with a mouse...how is it even possible i am still worshiping you? but i am...perhaps there is the cosmic joke...the bruising punchline...the trickster smiling...but i sit in darkness patiently...for artists often go mad and in their madness find the truth...i want that truth...and in truth is the word...and the word shall set me free of you...

Sunday, July 21, 2013

hands....


sometimes i look at my hands and remember them as they looked when i was four...holding a fat blue pencil or wading my fingers through a cup of chocolate milk...i remember my hands holding a piece of butter bread or clutching a toy car...the small hand of child should not have to make a fist and hit her own daddy over the head so he will stop hitting her mommy...and that small hand should not have had to wipe her own tears away when she was afraid...

but we live in a world of suffering...and small children get hurt and it isnt right but it is what happens...and that child grows up trying her best to be a good person...to make a decent life for herself...to belong...but in the palm of her hand the lines are etched deep...the ones she cant seem to erase...and no matter how hard she tries or what she does the lines always stay the same...

i read these lines in my palm this evening...i see it all so clearly...my little hand...my aging one...same lines...same outcome...only that little girl deserved a better chance and more love than she was ever given...she didnt deserve scraps or seconds or leftovers...she shouldnt have had to work twice as hard to get even a small taste of a good life...she should have been showered with love...as an adult she was good and kind and worked so hard yet it was never good enough for those rationing love to her...

so here she is...palms up...still giving thanks for the love which flows through her from the grace-filled source of love...

i reach back in time and kiss those sweet little hands and know i deserved better all along my way through this life...i still do...i love myself this evening...more than i have in a very long time...i am worthy...

attack of the sheeple

got this great idea for a movie...not a play...folks want movies...a netflix movie so you dont have to leave the couch but can eat your nuked popcorn and gulp your bev of choice...hopefully in plastic with some pretty splash of color and gmo fructopia syrup...anyway the movie...

picture the opening scene...zombie attack (gotcha already huh...yeah i know...cool...zombies cool...vampires drool)...so not just any boring brain rippin out zombie....sheeple...those fog faced grey big gutted sheeple who devour everything corporations tell them to devour...

then there are the do gooders who's only weapons are cardboard messages, recycling and meditation...but the secret weapon they got is being readied in the super secret lab...more powerful than glitter bombs and more deadly than free hug signs...

the secret weapon is being developed as a love interest between a lesbian teen sheeple zombie and a lesbian do gooder are developing...comic relief being supplied by a crazy drag queen do gooder uncle who pops in from time to time with sassy one liners and show tunes...i will call her aunty cristal because she gives bubbly kisses that tickle your nose...

well the lovers and aunty cristal are trapped in the lab but hard at work creating the super secret weapon while a corporate militia...we will call them black (bottled) water is searching the city block by block...sheeple consuming mindlessly dont even notice the camo thugs with their ironically penis shaped high powered gunny things strapped to their arms...aim and shoot boys...aim and shoot the leader of this clan of thugs sing song grunts as he bites down harder on his cigar-is-just-a-cigar...

do gooders on every block are mowed down...their cardboard shields no protection against those mighty penis...uh...gun bullets...

and the lab lesbians are hard at work after a musical dance dream sequence of a utopian world...aunty was awesome as the fairy godmother who turned haters into puppies and all the streets were paved with rhinestones...what a lovely perfect world...sigh...anyway...

the zombies are pounding at the lab windows...the black (bottled) water boys are busting down the doors...the last drop of cure stuff vaccine is dripping from the science tubes of bubbling brew...and then...

hmmm...well...oh so this vaccine is put in an recycled spray bottle...and when the crazy gun guys and sheeple bust through the do gooders mist them...music blasts from a giant boom box...barry manilow...something soft and mellow...mandy! that is a good one...no...better one..."i write the songs..."

the boys drop their penis guns...the sheeple drop their sheeple arms full of junk food and martha stewart magazines....all of them stop...in the name of love...before you break my arms...think it o o ver....yes it is the miracle cure...a spray that makes you so happy you want to dance...and the music to dance to...next up all abba tunes! and as the aunty twirls and sprays and the lesbian do gooder lovers kiss and spray...well the world is saved...but is it...

is it? well sequels are good...so how about in another lab the koch brothers are making an anti-happy spray that is sure to bring on a new herd of sheeple...

closing credits running...good tunes playing and all is right with your couch world..."dont worry...be happy"

Friday, July 19, 2013

the transformation of suffering...

there are lists people keep...i didnt consciously know it until last year...its kinda like the same as when you choose sides in school games...captains are chosen by the gym teacher and then the captains take turns choosing from the class to form two teams...

this is adult life...each person has a list and you put the best at the top and the least at the bottom...i didnt really want to know this...but it is true...a wife will put her partner thrid or fourth or fifth on the list and cause suffering to the partner...a friend may put you midway or lower...groups have pecking orders...on and on it goes...i look at the different lists i am on...i never rank first or even 3rd...often it is more like 8th or clinging to the bottom...i am not family or close friend or anyone's beloved...so there i am...sometimes it hurts when i look at people's lists...

i have beat the crap out of myself and blamed myself for not being good enough to be higher on the list...but i am feeling alittle numb about it all right now...oh i am lonely and it isnt easy...but i would rather be alone than be with folks who go down the list to find someone to be with and end up with me as a last choice...it would be nice to be thought of before the list is exhausted...but for some reason folks think it is fine to put me last...it is colleen and she is always there so i can put her off and enjoy so and so...she wont mind...

i sit through the holidays alone...i pretend i am ok with those who say i will call you tomorrow and we will do something but they dont call...it gets me into a funk when i think of how many times i have been uninvited to things...replaced by a family member...

sometimes i have been rejected all together...because i am a lesbian...or just because...and folks dont see that it breaks my heart just alittle bit more each time...because they dont know it has been done to me again and again i guess...

i tell myself next year thanksgiving will be different...next summer i wont be alone...but i am...and it hurts...and i stopped inviting myself or asking for time with others...i did this twice this week and am not asking any more...

now i make peace with it all...i have peace with this...because i have one thing i didnt have before...i have self respect...i have a self love...a remarkable compassion i give to myself...i wont close my heart or hate or resent...i wont be angry at all this...i do know my place now and it is often a lonely one...but i am ok...i am even grateful...others have it worse...i know this and so i am grateful for the grace of my own path and the love in my heart...this is part of life...there is great beauty and there is suffering...i choose beauty...

i put myself at the top of my list...and then write everyone elses name beside it...so this list turns into a banner of love...noone below or above...all equally important...special...loved...

this is what makes me a butterfly at last..this is what sets me free...this means i get to hang out with flowers and dance through the air...this is what makes me happy...



Thursday, July 11, 2013

jabber walking....

sitting under the tumtum tree the jabberwock comes stellfooling...eyes on fire and tail swillful...he blazes close to where i refuse to stand...there is no battle planned with this mass of scales and simmering breath...i am the wizzickal wondering one of wildling words of play...i will not lift a swiftly cramming sword...i will not stomp into the glossoming game...

i tongue tie him up in a not so frendistical way...no mercy no malice no mindcave of blaggingly bargas...the jabberwock falls to my feet in praise...

for this i know if i know what i know in all concoptional claggforn sway of songmosners hearts...i win for you to lose...you illiterate brute of bones...

i can mach the mech of marvelion thoughts up against any who cross my mind...jabberwock take to me in friendly fissel or find your gluzzing head unhinged and placed upon the highest branch of this tumtum...

beware the jabberwock? i say beware the tree...

Saturday, June 29, 2013

would you like a little whine with your meal?

so i whined a little to myself today...i chuckled at the funk i found myself in..."oh hey funk...i havent seen you in weeks...how ya been?"...and eeyore's voice popped into my head and answered me back..."oh i have been ok i guess...just fine...i guess"...

it all started when i went to the grocery for a couple of things i forgot to get on my return to my apartment after weeks away...i hit the produce aisle and saw the watermelons...i should get one!...and then it smacked me hard and socked me in the gut...i cant buy a whole one...i live alone now...i dont think i have ever had that happen in my life...i have always had someone by my side...for so very long...but now...no whole watermelons...and i choked back tears and walked away from it...three aisles over i stood for a moment...looking at a row of saints candles...i had to center myself and get real about the darn watermelon...so i dont have anyone to share it with...ok...i can still buy watermelon and it doesnt have to be sad...i can suck it up and go buy a quarter of one...there...i decided...i walked over and picked it up and carried it in my basket...i found the couple of items i needed and got in line...i looked at the wedge of pink juiciness sliding down to the cashier...a cheery color...succulent...it was ok i told myelf...

and it is ok...it is in the fridge...i am saving it for tomorrow...

funny how it has been over a year now and yet there are moments when i forget how alone and on my own i am...i dont forget how much i dislike it...lol...i am a nester...a libra...i like being in a home with voices and activity and the presence of another...a beloved...but my life isnt that right now...and i am finding this deep sense of gratitude rise up in me...i appreciate my own courage at facing life as it is...and feeling tender about it...not angry or questioning why me...not pushing myself into places that arent good for me...not forcing myself into anything to not be alone...i mean i do like me and hanging out alone isnt horrible...it just isnt what i like...not my first choice...i had to really come to terms with that...i am ok with me being a mushy nester type...yet i am alone right now and finding it a good lesson...for now...lol...

i am thankful for the person i am and the goodness of my own humanity towards myelf...i love that i am kind to myself...and in turn it softens me to be kind to others...i touch spirit with all in this world of singular humans who long to feel as one...

i do feel connected to everything tonight and yet i feel my own singular existence...it is precious...it is wonderful...my heart...my soul...my humanness is as succulent and sweet as the lovely quarter moon of watermelon waiting for me in the fridge...

i am happy...

Friday, June 28, 2013

a warrior is never a victim...

liberating myself from more and more suffering by looking at it all with mr. spock eyes...studying it...understanding the equation of it all...giving it to god with a toss and a laugh...i cant figure a dang thing out myself these days...the whole of it is senseless...and it makes a fool out of me to keep on trying to navigate a cesspool when if i step to the right and walk down a path there is a spring fed pool...clear sweet water of redemption...

so i quit...more and more and more...giving up...letting go...realizing i was holding on to things that arent real anyway...

i told myself stories and wanted them to be real...but the stories are done...i know who loves and respects me and who doesnt...i know who fakes their lives and who lives it with truth and with an open heart...a fearless warrior is easy to spot...they arent plastic action heroes...and now i accept love often isnt love when it is offered up to me...it is ownership or selfish insecurities wrapped in shiny lures to hook me and hurt me...folks walk around faking it...their open hearted words are actually plastic mass produced false truths they regurgitate from classes and books and gurus who strut around like peacocks...

mr. spock cocks an eyebrow and remarks about it all..."fascinating"...and i listen...but it is all he says...

so it is...an end...a dead end of thoughts and feelings...

and now i happily return to where i started long ago...before i was unplugged...before the cord of hate choked me and tried to kill my spirit...

BTW...Before The Wounding...i didnt care about being loved...i was love...i didnt worry about getting it right...when it just was an experience...i laughed and cried and wasnt ashamed of either...i held out my hand easily when asking for what i needed...and refusing what i didnt like with a humorous sour faced NO...when each birdsong was sacred and each touch kind...when i wasnt polluted by others and the only judgement i faced was...well...none...i lived in the moment and yet i didnt know what time was...for i was a newborn to the earth...with my mission...an easy one...be love...

it was the beginning of life...the gold thread of moments weaved together...to clothe my soul with light and comfort me in still moments at each lifting of dawn and sway of sunset...i was loved by god and all the light beings and humans around me...i felt it flowing through me and out of me...it was like liquid sunshine...it fed my spirit and everyone elses...

yet like many humans there was the wounding...the unplugging...the suffering...the forgetting...little by little understanding there were rules...there was conformity and the narrowness of minds around me...some people were loved and others werent...some had this new thing called "all the time in the world" and others had only a few seasons of time...some were abused and some were the abusers...

love was always rationed and came with conditions...hearts were closed off and hate fed many bellies...touch was wrapped in fists and words were filled with thorns...punishment spoke up...praise was kept silent...some were worthy of respect and dignity simply because of money or the color of their skin...vulgarities and violence were romanticized...kindness and goodness were belittled...you were strong if you pushed and competed with others...you were weak if you gave and offered up what you had to give...

and now i see it all...the harshness and the softness of this world...the haters who spread the seeds of fear and cheer as it grows...i see the lovers who offer up peace and kindness...who do their best and yet are trampled in a lusty stampede of selfish unconscious zombies...

i mourn for those who have closed off their hearts and stayed unplugged...i wish for them to feel the warmth of infinite love...but i will not wade into the cesspool of their celebrated suffering any more...they are drowning yet dont see they pull others down with them...a closed heart is such a dangerous thing...and i for one am not going to drown in  another persons ignorance any longer...

it is time for me to close a book on this life and enjoy the rest of life outside the book...in paintings and in walks and in days by the ocean...outside the book in joy and in the sweet sips of a spring fed pool which washes over me gently and cleanses the debri of others suffering out of me...

above the pool the sun sifts through trees and spills over the water in coins of light...

i am here in it...baptizing myself...a christening...fully plugged in...drifting as a newborn...floating in the womb of my own rebirth...the months and years and all of it gone...the struggle and the sorrow and the longings lifted...the breaths i take now are clear and full of life...here in this fresh summer breeze my eyes open anew...my hands reach out...i am love...

Saturday, June 15, 2013

shedding becoming

found a long thin snake skin and it made me smile...such a good sign...especially as summer solstice approaches...i journeyed to the snake and it gave me more than just the same old same old of shed the old message...no this shedding was of a deeper nature...this was a message of shedding attachment while at the same time staying in my skin and growing from each experience...this will continue to happen until the last time i split my skin and wiggle free of my body...

the snake showed me each time i have grown out of my skin...what situation or event i scraped against to free the deadness and find new life...all of last year was about shedding the skin of old patterns people ideas and suicidal thoughts...i shed the years...years of trying to fit into a polluted mainstream...years of trying to be seen and respected...years of playing by rules that just got me buckets of suffering...

the snake showed me a glistening dance of light...it became a rainbow serpent...it entered the top of my head and blasted out all the dark bits of unhappiness...the snake told me the rainbow serpent would be with me as a guide for the summer and would give me signs and teach me my most lasting lessons in navigating the landscape of humans and the polluted mainstream i sometimes have to wade into...

Monday, June 10, 2013

dream-bucket list

been hanging out with my kid self more and more...i took her by the hand...wiped the tears away...gave her a big celebration of welcome home and am learning to losen up the tight places in me again...and when i did this i realized i have outgrown an old tired list...a bucket list...things i wanted to do before i die but it seems kinda silly to compete with a time limit i dont even know or care about...make a quilt, hike the appalachian trail, learn to swim....on and on...some i have done...some in my heart i know i wont bother with really...

so i quit my bucket list...been quiting things for months that no longer fit with my happiness...then i thought of another list...of fun big small things...ones that make life interesting...gets me revved up again after years of winding down or feeling like i had no dreams to replace the hacked to pieces dreams or ones who died in their sleep...

i wanted a vibrant list...full of snapping sparks...bubbling up with giggles...spilling over with joy...a dream bucket list...so i began my list this morning...some repeats from ones i already have done in life but worth repeating...others fresh out of my my brain bucket...here is some of my list...

1. bury a treasure chest of fun stuff and leave a map for a random stranger to find:)
2. rent a cotton candy machine...have a blast making cotton candy and giving it away...
3. artwork in a bottle thrown out into the ocean...
4. build a cardboard fort and play in it...
5. explore more parks and keep a travel log full of nature finds/writings/drawings...
6. pan for gold...
7. build a treehouse town...
8. make a fairie gazebo with working lights...
9. draw more with my non-dominant hand (left)

so this is a partial list...it is fun to come up with ideas and things i find i would really like to do...gonna be fun to play with this dream-bucket list and enjoy the adventures to come...


(an old left hand drawing i did years ago)


Wednesday, June 5, 2013

the seed splits open...

great journey this morning...sometimes i have light ones and then boom...a big question gets answered...a tough issue gets handled...well the last few days i have allowed myself to wander around memories and thoughts and let my heart lead my journey topic...

being around my mom always brings stuff up in me...she has been a miserable human being all my life...she has used her children for strength...leaning on us as children in ways she never should have...she has been weak and fearful so much of her life...sickly from lack of self care...selfish in so many ways...she use to blame me as a teen that i was breaking up her marriage...there was rejection and threats...it was brutal...she would play mind games with me...emotional ones...destructive ones...she is at the tail end of her life...in a physical and emotional mess...i get glimpses of who she might have been...remembering she had moments to free herself and she backed down...she never overcame much of anything...she still feels unloved...she is still incredibly self absorbed...she is a glutton for attention and also with food...she still has addictions...she still tries to suck me in to her pit of sorrow and mind games...she ended up just like her mother...i am determined not to be like mine...

i have chosen friendships and relationships to ape the patterns my mom set firmly with me...of rejection...of never being good enough...when you are called a "weirdo" by your own mother as a young teen and threatened if you turn out "that way"...well it messes with a young person to feel that deep rejection...especially after earlier rejection and feeling unworthy of anyones love...but i made it all through that muck and mire...i slugged and cried and pushed and fell down again and again...i got lost...i forgot who i was...but i got up...my spirit always getting me up off my knees...moving me forward in the dark...calling me to the altar of infinite love...my higher self never gave up on me...

i have worked hard at all of it all these years...therapy...self work...a spiritual evolution...

mom still causes anxiety and anger to rise up in me but then i pick it up as if it were a coin and i turn it over...on the other side of this coin is peace and compassion...i go through alot of coins each day with her...i know she is twisted...i know she stayed in her darkness...i forgive her...i love her and have compassion for her...she got wounded too...how could i not see through to the being behind all her human mess...this is the greatest gift she ever gave me in fact...she taught me compassion and how to love humanity...even in their darkness...

her behavior got into me early on...her actions impacted me greatly and at a very young age...but this was the grit of suffering which created the pearls of wisdom in my life...i understand things about myself and why i do what i do...i dont hide out from any of it like she has...i run towards it...ready to create another pearl...

this morning in my journey a new guide worked with me...she was someone i met many years ago...she was selling jewelry in sedona then...we spent a great day together learning from each other...there was such an ease with her...a deep mutual respect...i have often in life felt such disrespect directed at me...i remember that day and the grace of it...the kindness...the discussions...i am glad she is here now and i know she is my summer guide...i know interesting things are about to happen...and i have her support and others...

this morning it was about relaxing my body...i tense up and get so much stress churning...i build walls and protection...i am getting weird about food and my body again...mom said i looked like a hillbilly the other day...it landed in me and nested for half the day...learning in greater measure not to take anything from anyone into me...she...in her way...is my greatest teacher...in learning to block her stuff i will never let anyone get inside me with their disrespect again...when i say i have had a belly full of all of that i see the proof in how suffering grows from the mind and hits the body hard...my mid section has long been a pit of sickness...time to finally deal with it and my body image...time to take that human part to spirit and heal...to close the parts of me letting all the negative crap in...

i felt it the other day when mom called me a hillbilly...i felt it in the pit of my stomach...and i realize it is all stored there...all the years of hurtful words i swallowed...i digested...but this morning i sat with my new guide...

she took me to the desert...into a  hogan...she wrapped me in a blanket and fed me...she sat holding  my hand...it was a simple moment yet intimate and gentle...we talked...like we had all those years ago...and now i know how to close those places in me that get sickened by others...i not only take in others hate but their illnesses...i feel there pain...now i know how to not take it in and this is a practice i will take up...

and i am receiving spiritual healing for my body issues too...a peaceful process and one i have tried to find for a very long time...i remember when i journeyed to god the things i tried to not remember about all of it came back...i accept it all and this makes for great healing...

when you find the courage to look at it all...to get the "bigger picture" you find self forgiveness to be so much easier...for you see the dysfunctional ways you tried to protect yourself...and you see how and when ego first gained the upper hand and caused even greater harm...freeing yourself of ego is easy if you are willing to look at your life...in every nook and cranny...to say yes i did this and it was horrible...but it is forgiven...i am human and flawed and was broken and wounded...i can forgive myself...i can let go...i can walk forward clean and at peace with it all...some may not forgive you...some may not understand why you did what you did...but you do and you can hold the peace to you or allow the judgement and punishment of others rob you of your peace...i choose peace...i choose happiness...i choose love...

 
the seed is splitting open