the transformation of suffering...

there are lists people keep...i didnt consciously know it until last year...its kinda like the same as when you choose sides in school games...captains are chosen by the gym teacher and then the captains take turns choosing from the class to form two teams...

this is adult life...each person has a list and you put the best at the top and the least at the bottom...i didnt really want to know this...but it is true...a wife will put her partner thrid or fourth or fifth on the list and cause suffering to the partner...a friend may put you midway or lower...groups have pecking orders...on and on it goes...i look at the different lists i am on...i never rank first or even 3rd...often it is more like 8th or clinging to the bottom...i am not family or close friend or anyone's beloved...so there i am...sometimes it hurts when i look at people's lists...

i have beat the crap out of myself and blamed myself for not being good enough to be higher on the list...but i am feeling alittle numb about it all right now...oh i am lonely and it isnt easy...but i would rather be alone than be with folks who go down the list to find someone to be with and end up with me as a last choice...it would be nice to be thought of before the list is exhausted...but for some reason folks think it is fine to put me last...it is colleen and she is always there so i can put her off and enjoy so and so...she wont mind...

i sit through the holidays alone...i pretend i am ok with those who say i will call you tomorrow and we will do something but they dont call...it gets me into a funk when i think of how many times i have been uninvited to things...replaced by a family member...

sometimes i have been rejected all together...because i am a lesbian...or just because...and folks dont see that it breaks my heart just alittle bit more each time...because they dont know it has been done to me again and again i guess...

i tell myself next year thanksgiving will be different...next summer i wont be alone...but i am...and it hurts...and i stopped inviting myself or asking for time with others...i did this twice this week and am not asking any more...

now i make peace with it all...i have peace with this...because i have one thing i didnt have before...i have self respect...i have a self love...a remarkable compassion i give to myself...i wont close my heart or hate or resent...i wont be angry at all this...i do know my place now and it is often a lonely one...but i am ok...i am even grateful...others have it worse...i know this and so i am grateful for the grace of my own path and the love in my heart...this is part of life...there is great beauty and there is suffering...i choose beauty...

i put myself at the top of my list...and then write everyone elses name beside it...so this list turns into a banner of love...noone below or above...all equally important...special...loved...

this is what makes me a butterfly at last..this is what sets me free...this means i get to hang out with flowers and dance through the air...this is what makes me happy...