Tuesday, July 30, 2013

no egg on my face...

The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”~Camus
 
yesterday was one of the hardest days i have had to experience in some time...alot just hit the fan...a big emotional day after a build up of alot of stuff that just kept coming up in me...stress and loneliness and being the most broke i have been for the longest stretch of time...the positive part of myself being my anchor through the day showed me just how beautiful the human spirit is...even in the toughest spots yesterday i let the light and the love find me and flood me...having a constant connection to the unseen is so grace-filled...i just asked for the strength to simply go through the day as lovingly as possible...keeping my heart open and just walking the path...towards the end of the day i was fierce...
 
i attempted to buy my dad a birthday card again yesterday and found it such a hard thing to do...started crying in the store and walked out....dont even know why it has been hard...maybe the cards just are too loving and thankful...i cant say thanks for being there or for having my back...he rarely did...he treated me like a sibling he fought with and not a dad...as a teen and adult he hugged me once because mom made him...i cant recall him ever saying i love you...now he lays in a hospital bed at my brother and sister-in-laws home...i dont know if he has much more time on the planet...he seems bored but happy to be surrounded by family...i feel a deep compassion for him and how his life is winding down...i think if he had his life to do over again knowing how it ends he would have done it differently...he spent many years very unhappy with his life i know...
 
maybe this is what is getting to me...what unhinged me yesterday...i have spent many years unhappy with my life...just floating through it...uninspired and feeling very disrespected by others...that was him...he was often sighing and bored with his home life...he was definitely not respected by my mom and others when i was growing up...he would go to church sometimes and take a preaching gig...he was actually good at it...i remember him telling a story about folks walking around on eggshells...
 
"folks walk around on eggs all the time...wobbling and trying to stay upright...at work and school and at home...with friends and relatives...you can try to do the right thing and someone is always there to push you over...those eggs will always get you...you will fall and get covered...egg all over your face...but what if you stomp your feet and walk with the power of god's word and not the fear of other peoples words...how would that change things to listen to god?"
 
as he was telling the story he would tip toe and do a mime act of walking on eggs...then he would fall over and get up pulling a hanky from his back pocket to wipe the egg off his face...he would stomp and jump up and down smashing imaginary eggs...when he asked the question he would say it softer and softer...three times...how would it change things to listen to god? 
 
it was one of his best preachings...it stuck with me...i see him jumping up and down...rattling the old church windows in one of those simple white clapboard buildings out in the country...the modest steeple and three steps up...no wheelchair ramps back then...we still believed in miracles back then...a pile of crutches at the side of the stairs where sinners came in and earth angels walked out...
 
he would have been happy to be a preacher...to inspire folks...to get his ego fed...to get attention and a big family of the faithful...but he was afraid to fight for his dream...mom didnt like it...and he needed a wifes support to take that step into doing the work...he didnt make the leap of faith he wanted others to make...he didnt listen to his own heart...but he did take lunch breaks in the city years ago and witnessed to folks...he preached in his own way i guess...though i think he would have been a much happier fulfilled man if he had followed his heart and had himself a country church...
 
instead he was often very unhappy...escaping into whatever drama he made for himself...my mom often didnt respect him...didnt see what he gave up to earn a better living and sell out his dream...they stayed together yet both of them really didnt step outside their comfort zones often...i think his grandson gave him alot of joy...the pictures i saw of them playing and the couple of times i saw my dad with his grandson playing...i see my dad happy to see this growing young man walk in the room and give him some attention when mom doesnt hog it...it is a beautiful thing to see the same shine in his eye as the one i saw when he stomped imaginary eggs...
 
i have lived a free life for most of my life...pushing myself out of my comfort zone again and again...but i started down the same path as my dad a few years ago...i gave up on my dreams...i think years ago in maine i gave up on them and got very lost...i let go of the things that mattered to me...i became so discouraged...
 
i looked up at the same sky yesterday i have always looked into...i felt the connection of all these years gone by...i did a water blessing behind an old mill...sending out love...the clouds were reflected in the dark face of the water...the clouds sailed through the water...waterlilies pocking the cloudy face with pads and flowers...
 
my thoughts were crowded...i watched a turtle pop its head up from the waterlilies...i sat on a bench i and sighed deeply...hearing it echo across the water...a sound wave of energy full of letting go...i inhaled love...
 
since maine 14 years have passed...that relationship is gone...i failed at another...i have lived alone now for a little over a year and hate it...i am struggling to pay off the last of a hospital bill and car taxes...i am painting with hands that feel like sausages...my fingers get so stiff from the work i have to run them under hot water and peel the paintbrush out of my hand...i always worried about my eyesight going but it is my hands giving out i now concern myself with...
 
i sat on the bench yesterday and felt the weight of the years and the heavy day push my shoulders down...i bent over and sobbed...it felt good to just let go for a moment before pulling myself together for journey group...
 
journey group was amazing...before we started i drew a small drawing and wrote over it: eliminate the resistance...the words just came up in me...i smiled...i was listening to god...
 
we did the journey and the topic was about letting things fall away...well if that wasnt a sign to eliminate resistance i dont know what else would be...so i journeyed...and i did...i felt the flow of love washing my resistance away...i felt the power of love lift me up...i felt my warrior courage rise up...the passion to heal fill my heart...i was on fire...i wanted redemption...i stomped those damn eggs...i was being prepared to do a big releasment...to reclaim a part of myself i had let go of so very long ago...as a child...
 
in the first journey we did i went to the middle world and saw my aunt del...she was visiting my aunt gerl's land...she was killing chickens for dinner...she took me with her and she taught me how...pick it up and snap its neck by whipping its body...i tried it...it was easy...she said the chicken doesnt struggle if you dont struggle...and it was true...you just pick it up and whip it...see the chicken is in the flow already...just like all of nature...it has its purpose and it just is...a frog eats a fly...a fox chases down a rabbit...a human kills a chicken for dinner...there is the chase but that is just one part of it all...the fly tries to escape...so does the rabbit and chicken...but in the end there is a letting go...a moment of relaxing into death...a surrender...and then it is transformed...it becomes something else...and they somehow just know to let go...the chicken relaxes into its death...
 
i am the chicken that has been running around fighting it...my aunt del said in the journey to not fight it..."they want to break you then break all the way" and i got it...dont resist...see where it takes me after i break the rest of the way...become new...
 
and so after years of it all i stopped...in the journey i was the chicken...my neck was snapped...i fell into darkness...yet there i saw the light come to me...it has always been there...flowing...with all the answers...with all the ancient knowing...the infinite waves of consciousness...i was standing there in it again...and when i came out of the journey i saw all the bullshit thicker and more repulsive than before...my own and everyones...and i dont want it touching my life any more...
 
in the second journey we did in group i went to the cosmic door and opened it...and there i entered a place of my childhood where i was treated horribly...i went up to the adult treating me with such immense cruelty and i put an end to it...i felt empowered...i got back my dignity at last...i got all those years of potential back...they started regrowing vitality in me...a new configuration of strength is rooting in me since then...i have been preparing myself for it....and it is growing...i felt it late last night...i sense it this morning...
 
and i have to smile...i think of my dads egg story and had a journey with chickens in it...and here i am this morning boiling eggs for breakfast!...life is so crazy and so surreal and so interesting...i feel the shift from yesterdays roller coaster ride of emotions to this calm morning...i drummed for a friend earlier...i meditated on self respect...i washed my smiling face and baptised my day with a prayerful song...
 
i sipped my coffee and looked around this apartment...the props i am not attached to...the paintings finished and half done...i pick up my drum...i journey again...to god...to listen...
 
the walls fall away and there is the sun and the clouds and the treetops...the breeze carrying in the scent of some unknown flowers....i am flying high...over buildings...making my way to the ocean...the the open waters...to an island where god sits in the form of a small girl...she is tanned and sitting like a tomboy...she is letting sand sift through her fingers...she is happy to see me...i ran up and gave her a hug...we walked up the beach holding hands and talking about silly things...
 
she points to a cloud shaped like a tiger...i pick up a shell and hand it to her...this place makes sense...full of peace...gently unfolding...i fill with love...in the distance there is confusion...people all tangled up fighting...they become seagulls fighting over a fish...they dont see the other fish flopping in the water...thousands of fish ready to be snatched up...they fight over this one...while one seagull is fighting with another a third one grabs the fish...it tries to fly away but another seagull pulls the fish away...the girl/god tells me to just stay focused and keep walking...as we walk through the seagulls i feel a tug to shift and become one too...but god squeezes my hand and keeps me focused...the seagulls keep fighting...the fish in the water are leaving...
 
down the beach i turn and see the seagulls as people again...they are still fighting for something...a scrap of paper they keep snatching away from each other...they want to know something but not share it with others...i smile at this...for i know what is written on the piece of paper they are fighting each other for...it is a single word...love...
 
god sees me smiling over this...she starts laughing and running up the beach...i run too...the sun shining sweetly...the waves splashing into us...we are happy...
 
out of the journey i feel like i am stronger today than yesterday...not hassled by what i struggled with before...gonna eat my boiled eggs and finish my coffee...gonna go outside for a walk and listen to god today...
 
 
 
  
 

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