Monday, August 19, 2013

inside joke

particles colliding...thats all that matters...

(inside jokes always make me laugh...on the inside...which i am...laughing...on the inside...i have to laugh alot these days...on the inside...held together by endless collisions...smashing bumper cars of frantic cells)

a bird hit the window this morning...particles colliding...and i wondered if cartoon birdies flew around its head

(laughing...on the inside...inside my apartment)

i use to know so much more than i do now...but ignorance is bliss...i am growing more blissful each day as my brain is eaten away by the last of my evolutionary path...pathways narrowing...on the inside...white light vibrating...a harmony of humming energy...

(laughing on the inside at the grey matter turning to dark matter...its a cosmic thing...and i am laughing on the inside at another joke god and i have been running back and forth to each other)

my soul sees me as a carbon copy...this imprint is much lighter...lines blurred...the carbon specks more fuzzy after each run through...from dark to light...more copies to come...but not many more...

and here i am...the pop science junkie...from omni magazine and nova fed youth...smiling at the buzzing flies in my memories...i named each one einstein because they all looked the same and flew with the wild wonder of atoms circling the carcass diner...

the einsteins who kneeled at the altar of decay worshipping science in their own way...a chorus of buzzing...a holy feast...sin eaters...transforming death...

i feel the place in my brain that sizzles sometimes...an itch i cant scratch...fingernails-on-chalkboard annoying...i have to say my abc's so it goes away...or flex my hands...or tilt my head and think about the ocean...tricks...to distract my brain who hates numbers but gets stuck counting them...

my funny grey matter...

(laughing at me...on the inside)

i am unable to remember my phone number but i can recite the one i had as a child...i dont remember what i had for breakfast...but i know what i was eating when i was nine...when my dad had a tantrum and threw a pale blue plate against the wall...i remember the slide of spaghetti and the stain it made...which looked like the state of texas...but...what did i have for breakfast today?

patterns and numbers and photons and nothing matters...carbon and stardust...collisions...

a child takes your hand and you know there is a god because you can see god in the childs soul-filled eyes...a god so big in those eyes...a universe swirling there...dense...deep...expanding...

einstein buzzes across the room...less than the speed of light...but too quick for me to snatch him up...

particles colliding countlessly in this room...but my brain will not let me think about the endless counting...

i walk to the window...open it wide...einstein exits...i feel...nothing...matters...

(i chuckle...on the inside...another inside joke)







Friday, August 16, 2013

the gift of anger...

this has been the summer of torching the last shreds of my dignity...this has been the summer of allowing anger to course through me like a wild animal on fire...and tonight has been the most clench-fisted night of my life...

have you had that moment yet?...maybe in the middle of your midlife crisis when you realize the person who you wanted to spend your life with really could care less if you are there or not? or maybe it is the moment when your smart mouthed kid tells you to go F yourself? or when your boss treats you like a slave and not an employee? it is that moment when you completely die to it all and give up...where you just dont care any more...you sunk your heart and soul into something that was an absolute waste...

then after that moment you have the next moment...you take a look at what is left...how many years are left...who is left...what you are willing to put up with...and then the next moment is one of action...of getting up off your loser arse and throwing out all the broken promises and pathetic people in your life...slapping your 20-something across the mouth the next time they call you a name...or raking everything off your desk into the trash and walking out on your stupid boss...

what is it for you? the breaking point when you are sick of being sick of the same old tired worn out crap from your life and the crap others hand you?

for me it is like i have been an irish stew...my life slowly heating up til it is a rolling boil...scorching the bottom of the pot...bubbling over...the anger...the glorious anger of a ruined life...what a waste it has been but what a delicious freedom i feel tonight...

it snapped so easily...so clean and with only alittle pain...this evening...the struggle is over...i am free of giving a damn any more...i dont have to work so hard for only the crumbs any more...i dont want them...i dont need crumbs...people are too self absorbed to share a slice of happiness with me so keep your crumbs...no more leftovers to feel left out with...no more cheap meals while others feast...i am done with it all and the bitterness of it is leaving me tonight...

this life...it is just life people...it isnt even a speck...it is pointless and it is shameful now...this world we have collectively created...the violence...the hate...the rape of mother earth...humanity is a cancer eating this planet bit by bit...and we all know it...we all know in our guts what the outcome will be if we keep at it...and we are keeping at it...

i am rooting for nature...our best nature and the planets best nature...but like my dad use to say "nothing lasts and nothing matters...even the mona lisa will no longer be there some day"....i fought knowing that all these years...i fought alot of things...not any more...i started breaking and quiting and giving up last year...not in a depressed state but in a rational state...in understanding the world is very broken and full to the brim with broken people...

i saw alot of it very clearly last year...of how ego and especially women with rabid egos are killing this world...i mean many men can be brutes with their guns and bombs...but women had such a great calling to heal themselves and this world...to give birth to revolution on a scale that would be remembered for thousands of years...but i see what is happening everywhere now...women are now aping the brutish vulgarities...they are tearing it all down right alongside of men...their egos so busy defending their dysfunctions...and i have occasionally even joined in...i have watched women like my mother and other mothers over the years...passing on the disease to the next generation...the de-evolution of the feminine divine...and i know now that women are the death nail in all of this...and it is ok...my dad was right...nothing lasts...

and i wasted most of my life wanting something some of us just dont get...because nice people do finish last...so i finish last...that is fine too...i will paint and do my best to feel good about myself...be me...but that thing i held onto for so long...that hope i would be seen as equal to those around me...i dont care any more...reject me? put me down? make me less than you? well guess what...i AM more evolved than you....i would never do to a man woman or child what has been done to me...i deserve better but you dont have it in you...you are weak and a coward and are a waste of my energy...and i am free of you...

 





 

Saturday, August 3, 2013

the boulder crumbles...

i hear the songs from the edge of the world rolling in on hungry waves...notes trip over each other in a hurry to land...the rhythm of the words settle against the edge of my mind...

i am in love with the ocean...in awe of the sacred sway of constant ritual she flows with...in the realm of other she is a roaring queen of deep knowing...she is the goddess of clearing away and reforming...the teacher of impermanence...

the holy night intervenes once again and pulls the veil down over this shore of longing...making familiar the coarse body engulfed by the beloved...the ocean pushes on...thrashing against the boulder i have become...finding places to pry and pierce...until one crashing wave breaks the boulder to bits...this is when you see the heart of a stone weep...

no hope for return of love...worn down...this boulder has surrendered her all...good days gone...low tide...fully exposed...

the wild haired siren laments...a bittersweet song of dead dreams and hope soured comes sweeping in on a grey dawn...the ocean picks up and leaves pieces of her lover everywhere...

who can blame the ocean...it is in her nature to take and to deconstruct love's offerings...but who can say the boulder was weak...for the love in pieces still remains love complete...still offered up...still given freely...no shame...no blame...just love...

the sky still holds the sun and moon...the stars still give their signs...the waves still come and go...the ocean still reaches for the same place it has always known...though what is left is but a memory of a boulder who loved and stayed til it fell apart...

i love the ocean...she is worth it...this immense beauty...this force of nature grander than anything i could be...though i wish i could have been touched more gently by her...held and loved in return...but it is the oceans nature to be as she is...this i accept...and love her...just love her...as she is...