Thursday, May 31, 2012

pony woman finds me...

wanted to do a journey on my relationship to money and my rejection of money...but...my journey guide had other plans....

i went into a deep forest and into the hollow of a standing tree...i stood there and then without warning the ground opened and i was swallowed up...in a series of caves...and there was a cave bear woman and a pony by her side...she handed me charcoal and pointed to the wall...

i wrote what must i do to have a better relationship with money ...

she took the charcoal and crossed out money...writing in women...

what  must i do to have a better relationship with women i read aloud...

and the cave was filled with laughter...

women laughing at me...and their thoughts...and their lack of respect all came blasting at me...and i thought well this is just my ego trying to make me feel less than again...but the faces of women i have cared for danced in front of me...and i knew their thoughts...how they see me as one way but not how i see myself...and then the chant "be yourself...be yourself...be yourself"...and laughter again...

i really didnt like any of this...i felt taunted and teased and made fun of...and it made me angry...i wanted them to shut up...

to be away from them i ran deeper in the cave and hid behind a boulder and cried...releasing the anger and replacing it with self love and acceptance...

and i felt more at peace...

and then cave bear woman brought me the pony and gave it to me...and the pony led me out of the cave...away from the taunting...

outside was a waterfall and i led the pony there...giving it a drink and some soft grass i pulled up...it smiled at me and then transformed into a woman...a pony woman from the pony tribe...i felt so happy as she embraced me...i had not accepted the judgement and unkindness of these women in the caves...and the cave bear woman led my love to me...

and so it is...

a different journey than i wanted...but a journey i needed to experience for this hour after picking up on negative vibes in the air long distance directed at me...i reject them...i am a loving woman who is worth having someone loving in my life...

Monday, May 28, 2012

~♥~



an open heart defeats fear
an open heart shines

an open heart frees you
an open heart inspires

an open heart ends suffering
an open heart is kind

an open heart accepts love
an open heart never breaks

an open heart changes you
an open heart changes the world


~♥~



Sunday, May 27, 2012

simply

"When the mind is less cluttered with incessant chatter and rumination, the mind and heart are clearer. This clarity allows the natural compassion to blossom. More self confidence and courage fill us. Wisdom flows. Life regardless of difficulties becomes meaningful. Joy abounds. All is well."

                                                                                                            ~~his holiness the dali lama




a busy and reactionary mind has often been an issue with me...i was so attached to that identity...of my mind always chattering...leaping into action with situations and events...now i am shifting this...i slow my mind down and often can empty it out easily in meditation...

i am able to not be reactionary...to take as much time as i need to respond to something...to think about it and often i dont even need to engage or respond at all...

when i feel loneliness come up i let my mind get busy imaginative and fun ways...taking me on adventures in my head...journeys to hang out with my guides...or into a simple communion with a flower...then loneliness falls away...i am in the moment...happy...








the kiss that counts



feeling all mushy inside this mornng...i think it was all the bluebirds and sunshine that turned the string of lights around my heart up bright...so the green of the trees and grass...the mellow dew...the butterfly slowly sifting the air...the morning glories opening to shine their love...it all made me sigh and feel my heart string shine too...

i would like to think that my beloved love of this new life i am creating is just inches away...she is readying herself and it will happen soon...i have had so much faith about everything else lately...i think i will add some extra faith for true love's harvest...

Saturday, May 26, 2012

get to it!

self doubt...self punishment...self rejection...self destruction...harmful habits directed towards yourself...the negative affirmations in your head...why do you keep this up?...it takes so much energy...dont you feel drained?...why harm yourself?...what is the root of it?...what comes up in you?...do you sense undefined anger?..resentments?...or have you numbed out completely?...is a state of UNfeeling the only way you can function?...can you list all the ways others have wronged you?...and then do you cringe at the knowledge and memories of how you have wronged others? do you reject kind people when they come your way?...do you choose partners who will reinforce negative thoughts about yourself yet reject those who are good to you?

get inside yourself and have at it...this is the moment in your life calling out to you...none of it works any more...it all is broken...it is destroying any bit of happiness that gets through all this negative looping you are doing within...and the looping is speeding up now...coiling around you tighter and tighter...restricting you more...shutting you down...you are being devoured by your own self hate...your own white hot anger...where is the root to your suffering?...when did it start?...and what areas has it vined through?...all of you?...then it is time...it is time to pull your suffering out by the roots!...all of it...

who wants to live in all this misery and suffering...you make yourself ill so you can have an excuse to hide out and recover from suffering just enough to function...then more self punishment and more unhappiness...more sickness...then more removal from the world...then the cycle starts again...women especially do this because we are in a world culture that teaches us to self punish from an early age...but we have an inner wisdom and it is time women listen to it...and it is time men step up and stop exploding their self hate onto women and children...

it is time all of us get off our lazy ego arses and do the work...dont be a wimpy victim any more...it is tedious...it shames you...for too long i shamed myself...and i knew i was tedious...as i became more conscious i realized how much and how ugly my behavior was...and then the tedious behavior of others got to me...and i had to fix me or all i could see was the darkness in myself in others...now i see light and it is wonderful...because i see the light in me and others and it blows my mind!...so have at it!...see the light...and use it to heal...it is the inner wisdom you possess...

listen to "YOUR GUT"...you know exactly what you need to do and how to do it...you know what you fight doing...

love, forgiveness and conscious but objective and compassionate viewing of your suffering is called for...and it isnt easy...it takes an honest and committed person working on a deep and sometimes painful level...

it takes looking at your wrong actions and forgiving...it takes forgiving others...and then there is a deeper work if you carry a curse on yourself...if you self cursed your life...or if another has...this is the most profound work...and all if it is sacred...you are life affirming and re-creating your life to become a happy and content person...

it takes an openness and a willingness to have real changes in your life...it is about being brave and taking on your fears...looking at them like the entities they are and expelling them...it is about the deep fears now...

fear of death...fear of a new way...fear of exposure and vulnerability...fear of?...fear of love?...you feel overwhelmed? cornered? shaken? by the thought of embracing the better life awaiting you?...that is ego telling you not to be happy...if you are happy you are not feeding ego...ego wants you enslaved...always filled with doubt and jealousy and fears of endless configurations...

give it up..give in...get on with it...you are going to feel so much better after your quest...i did...no longer a servant to ego...enjoying the moment...living with constant change...attachment to outcome conquered...it rocks!...

Friday, May 25, 2012

lovers love...

the bricks of suffering are off my chest now...the feelings of drowning gone...i float instead...i rise to each moment...i reach for light...and light reaches me...i dissolve all those bad thoughts from others...i dont carry them any more...anothers jealousy and all those destructive energies do not harm me now...if anyone thinks unkindly towards me the light of love comes from me and protects me from harmful thoughts others send...words and thoughts can cause great good or great harm...i let in the good and not the bad...

when we decide to rid ourselves of others invasions of unhappiness we free not only ourselves but the energy of this unhappiness is set free from the world as well...we dissolve it...it doesnt create more unhappiness in us and in turn we are free to add more light to the world with this freedom...and i am doing this...i am a lover sending out ribbons of loves light...

anger has left me...the anger of others and my own anger...and if it comes up in me i sense it quickly and dissolve it...this is exciting...to feel love and happiness more and more...to feel this immense love...to have patience return...to experience balance more and more...to have an inner strength i now feel access to...and i send light to those who have negative intent...they fail to reach anyone...their wrong-filled words touch no ones heart...their unhappiness infests no one...this world is healing and we lovers are healing it with our sacred love...






Tuesday, May 22, 2012

healing the wounded healer

at the heart of a sacred quest is the conviction to face some darkness within you...in a wounded healers sacred quest i faced a self imposed curse...everything i have done to harm others and what others have done to harm me...all the woundings...all i have done to wound others...this is what i had to re-experience and forgive...i humbled myself before the first step was taken...then into the darkness...with courage...conviction...but above all..love...

i took love into the darkness...sometimes unable to feel it but always with the faith it was there...as i battled my own particular curse...one i brought into this world with me...one i agreed to carry...

love...the unseen...god...whatever you believe is the great goodness...for me it is god...and god is love to me...in the darkest pain of my own ugliness god was ever present...even as i could feel nothing but the pain of my own cursed suffering...i had faith god/love was there...

and after a time of preparing myself...trusting the process....taking in signs and messages...receiving guidance...bringing in my higher self...praying...i was ready....

i sat in a small space i have in my apartment...with just the light of one candle...and even then i let go of this light...i had a drumbeat looping...i blocked even the faintest light coming in under the door by wearing a bandana...i let go and journeyed inward...open...

in this wilderness the mind was there as an unknowing servant of ego...it was trying to keep me from going deep...

it has no consciousness to me...it is the thing in front of consciousness...the mechanism that keeps the body going and holds memories...it is reactionary and brutish...yet it simply is...the ego is in control...

if you are simply in your head so many wrong choices are made...i have made many...for as often as i would have liked to think i was a loving and kind person it was an ego controlled mind i was dealing with...for all those years ago...as a teenager...i turned my heart and soul away from my life and began to give my life over to ego...it was an act of survival i have often thought and blamed the woundings...but what is left after ego gained more and more power?...i was left with an ego in control...a reactionary life...a lost soul...a broken heart...a dysfunctional existence...yet why was ego not satisfied?...why more dramas and wrong choices...more and more pain and suffering...it had control...what was ego feeding?

and this led me to full understanding...

behind ego was the true master...my curse self...

my curse self was created before i was born...in that place where our life plan is designed...i made an agreement to walk the path of the wounded healer so i could become a sacred healer...i agreed and spent the first two thirds of my life as a wounded healer...and once you know this...once you truly recognize this there is complete forgiveness to those and to yourself for any wrong actions...for it was simply meant to be...each wounding was to bring greater understanding...that is all...

finally in my dark place of immense pain and suffering i was with my cursed self...she was wretched...repulsive...yet me...the me i had turned all the way into evilness...into the ugliest of ways...into a horror of consuming my own pain and wanting more...ready to kill me for it at last...and i knew this...i knew i was at my last chance to destroy my curse self...to dissolve her...to end this long part of the agreement...

my soul reached out... the soul still said come back from the wilderness...come home......but ego told me i was not worthy...not worthy to have my own life...to have a family of my own...to have my body even...ah but...there was love...love was still there and was always there...ego knew this and worked even harder to pull me down...it didnt even care that it would push me too far away from my happiness i would take my own life...it simply wanted full control...it wanted to defeat love...to destroy happiness...ego is the ultimate control freak...it keeps you so enslaved yet gives you the illusion and the thrill of feeling in control of your own life...and ego was the arms and voice and eyes of this ghoulish curse me...i have never been afraid in a journey...but i was afraid of her...she was evil and strong and she wanted more power...she wanted to end me...

i could feel the pain rising in me...the pain was this curse clamping down on my being...i felt this pressure in my body...i felt the strong desire to leave my body...but i knew not to...i was thrown into many landscapes...many places and times...it was as if i was being kept away from my purpose by these movements...and then distractions...but i stayed with it...

it was this last ditch effort...this white knuckle experience...this walk into the wilderness of pain and suffering...to sit in the pain...in the pain of my own dark thoughts and re-experience them as the mind does so well...i had to be objective at the same time...to take on each hurtful memory...each time i have shamed and humiliated myself...each time i have hated others for not being my slave...each time i have cursed another for not loving me enough...each time i have taken a selfish action and did harm...and each time i drew out the horribleness in another...i had to look and see and feel and yet forgive...forgive and forgive and forgive...even if i didnt understand at times what was to be forgiven...


i knew my rooted sufferings...i knew the exact moment my curse was activated...i remembered and re-experienced it...my mind was now giving up memories to me...unblocked...full access...i realized light was with me...god was with me...i had those who love me with me...my many ages and times of self with me...i made myself take it in and feel it again...and i saw the curse weak in those early moments of its activation...


in the physical world i would have been seen as gravely depressed and suicidal...but in the spiritual world i was in the battle to take back my life not end it...and i walked to the curse with simple weapons...trust...compassion...humility...love...faith...

in spirit i walked into the wilderness of the curse...though my humanness was ever present as well...and for weeks i took on memories and mind games...ego manipulation tactics...and i stood firmly and with integrity...i was in this fight...but this moment...this moment of standing with my curse self was the most afraid i have ever been in my life...i feared failure most of all...

she hissed at me and lashed out with her horrible putrid body...yet in that moment she became simply an agreed upon self...she was powered by me...i was her master...and there it was...

i had done all these horrible things in life...i had done harm to myself and others...i had drawn suffering to me and created it in others...i was responsible...

each moment became clearer to me...each moment i felt more...each moment i saw into her...releasing all the hurt and pain of my life...seeing why things happened...and some i couldnt understand i still forgave...forgiving was killing the curse...forgiving myself...forgving others for their part in events of suffering...

ego throwing everything it could to stop me from destroying the master...but ego didnt know it was helping me out by doing this...it was in panic mode...and there the curse was...she was weak...in the moment as if it were her activation...her birth...and yet it was her death...her end...she begged me to stop...she was even trying to use my compassion to stop me...

but i sent love to her...i sent love and this growing fullness of my own lifeforce...tentacles of darkness came from me...and went into her...and light shot out from all around me...darkness went away...i was in pure light...and in that moment i saw the curse dissolve...

and then it got quiet...the light softened...i was held in this light...receiving love...feeling my own being...feeling inside of what i call gods prayer...gods prayer to me...and in my mind the words formed....god said simply...love...allow love in...love others...allow their love in...help others heal...continue to embrace full healing always...remove darkness...be now in happiness and light...

it was the most profound connection with god i have ever had...

and for days and days now i am noticing as things are coming up i am "fixing them" faster...old behaviors no longer serve me and are falling away...my heart is fully open...when i feel something not feel right i look at it...i am evolving into this sacred me...i am gving birth to myself...and what i thought would be such a horrible thing to let go of...all this that i thought made me who i am?...i have discovered i was never that person and simply wore a cloak and mask which was my curse self...i am a completely different being than i thought i was...

but you see a wounded healer has to walk blind of his or her own true self...we have to walk the path with our cursed self taking us into harms way and creating dramas, illness, suffering...we are blind to our own curse until...until that part of the agreement is coming to an end...and that is when we start feeling it...we start sensing something is gravely wrong...we start feeling the press of it...the urgency...the feeling that we are running out of time...we have to heal or we will be destroyed by this pain we feel...this spiritual pain...this psychic pain...

and once that cursed self of the wounded healer is gone?...what then?...happiness and a sense of belonging at last...to yourself and as a part of community and other the greater everything...what else?...you feel love flowing more and more...abundantly...and?...trust comes...great levels of trust...lastly you realize you have now crossed over into being a sacred healer...and there is a whole new level of being...it is exciting...and feels alittle weird at first...but then you catch the groove of it and become very very in the moment...and making the better choices and are fully accessing your life...

if you are entering the sacred quest to remove an agreed upon curse of a wounded healer do not take anyone if you can...unless it is one who you can sense is completely trust worthy...and take to heart these words...trust worthy...anything less could cause great harm...if someone is in circle with you they need to simply hold space and send in light...nothing more...unless your physical body is in danger...keep hydrated if it goes on for long...and have some kind of liquid nutritional supplement...it is very draining...eat well after...you will be hungry and want healthy food...clean food...rest and reflect after...and above all be grateful...praise this releasment...give thanks...and know even as you begin it you are loved and held...even if you cant feel it...god/love is there holding you up in prayer...










Wednesday, May 16, 2012

mind blowing aint it?


so the earth is just slightly larger than venus...wow the sun is ginormous?
but then our sun...this wonderous star that feeds our planet light...is so small compared to arcturus...
but then....yes but then...arcturus is so small compared to betelgeuse...but then...


so go back up and look at earth again...think about venus passing before the sun as a speck across it...then on to the others...yet when i look at all of this i dont feel small at all...i actually feel amazingly full and ever expanding...i am certainly humbled and it is so immense beyond reason to my human mind...yet...my soul is comfortable with it...i feel like i am a part of it all and a part of everything...and i delight in the mystery of it...it is the most simple visual example i could think of to communicate our inspiring existence...my life...your life...it is a dazzling remarkable astounding wonder and yet so many of us feel so unhappy and disconnected...

up until very recently i have felt like an outsider and apart from everyone...now i dont...i feel like i am connected in the most precious way to everyone and everything...i feel the sacredness of life on this planet...what a beautiful world...

into the wild...



Lyrics to Featherstone :

Wake up to the sound of your fleeting heart
Wake up to the sound of your fleeting heart
When you go, what you leave is a work of art
On my chest, on my heart

She went out to the hay in the morning grace
She went out and got lost in a tall hedge maze
Where'd you go? Where'd you go? Why'd you leave this place?
On my heart, on my face

And my love is yours but your love's not mine
So I'll go but we know I'll see you down the line
And we'll hate what we've lost but we'll love what we find
And I'm feeling fine, we've made it to the coastline

Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh ooh

Past all the signs of the slow decline
Live like your love wasn't meant for mine
Now you've gone, now you've gone to a different life
Til the loneliest side

Wake up to the sound of your fleeting heart
Wake up to the sound of your fleeting heart
When you go, what you leave is a work of art
On my chest, on my heart

And my love is yours but your love's not mine
So I'll go, but we know I'll see you down the line
And we'll hate what we've lost but we'll love what we find
And oh, I'm feeling fine, we've made it to the coastline

Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh ooh

Wake up to the sound of your fleeting heart
Wake up to the sound of your fleeting heart
When you go, what you leave is a work of art
On my chest, on my heart

She went out to the hay in the morning grace
She went out and got lost in a tall hedge maze
Where'd you go? Where'd you go? Why'd you leave this place?
On my heart, on my face

And my love is yours but your love's not mine
So I'll go but we know I'll see you down the line
And we'll hate what we've lost but we'll love what we find
And I'm feeling fine, we've made it to the coastline

Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh ooh

Past all the signs of the slow decline
Live like your love wasn't meant for mine
Now you've gone, now you've gone to a different life
Til the loneliest side

Wake up to the sound of your fleeting heart
Wake up to the sound of your fleeting heart
When you go, what you leave is a work of art
On my chest, on my heart

And my love is yours but your love's not mine
So I'll go, but we know I'll see you down the line
And we'll hate what we've lost but we'll love what we find
And oh, I'm feeling fine, we've made it to the coastline

Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh ooh


Image Detail

i so love this vid...just takes me right back to the wild rumpus days...and how cool when kids work out karma in play...i think adults should too...pillow fights with colored feathers would work out so much better than guns and bombs...

the lyrics dance across my heart...feel them like sparks...okay with everything now...i am like light through a crystal and out a rainbow sings...

love isnt love if it cuts instead of heals...so i turned to love and let it flow...doesnt need to be fed anything to grow...a soul full of love flowing out through the heart and back into the heart again...no space for my ego to tell me any different now...and knowing this makes me smile...each day is a rumpus...a lovefest...a happy tune...i can finally go back to being a wild child...


~*~

more than...

christopher robin?

yes pooh?

i...well...oh bother...pooh whispered down...i love honey...but......

yes pooh?

well you see christopher robin...i...i love you more...

silly old bear...i always knew that...i love you too...christopher robin said and pulled on his puddle stompers...

but i love you MORE than honey...winnie the pooh sighed...

pooh bear i love you more than all the honey that ever was or ever will be...and i know you love me that much too...

pooh softly chuckled and climbed onto christopher robins shoulders...

the puddles happily readied themselves for the dance of this puddle stomping twosome who loved each other...more than honey... 


Tuesday, May 15, 2012

lotus of joy

in journey group last night we journeyed for a guide for joy and to ask the guide how to cultivate joy in our lives...

for me lately i had struggled with relaxing into being around others as myself...as the person i have become...without hiding out...or feeling out of place...i feel like my odd brain and the way i communicate has kept me separate at times...

"there is colleen on her soapbox again"...what i would love to be an engaging discussion often turns into my brain moving my mouth at the speed of light...lol...and that doesnt mean i have anything intelligent to say..just alot...and the person gets annoyed with me...for saying "the wrong thing" or too much...and i then feel so outside of everything and frustrated with myself...because i am not conscious of it all until i have screwed up...my happiness and joy gone...

so in my journey comes a guide named lotus...who is a lotus but then shapeshifts into a young asian girl full of joy...

she surrounds me with flowers and is very happy to do so...she tells me to not worry so much...to just be myself...which bugs me because people tell me this all the time and then get annoyed by me when i am...she laughed and said do it anyway...they are just annoyed at something in themselves more often than not...i wouldnt agree with her...she began leaping on lily pads and moving away...i got frustrated...she came back and asked me what just happened...

i fought my teaching and joy moved away...so i listened to her as she showed me different moments when i annoyed folks...when i came in happy and strong and got down on myself when i annoyed someone with my excitement...then she showed me other times when someone appreciated me and my puppy self...so i had to look at why it upsets me to annoy the folks i do...and then i saw a common thread with those who i annoy...ahhhh...they are very rigid and hold back...i am too much for them...and i make them uncomfortable...so of course i am going to annoy them...duh...

but i also saw when my mind speeds up and works faster than alot of folks...but i am holding back more than i have and it is good to hold back at times...the lotus girl was helping me slow down when i started think too fast and too much...and held out flowers and the joy was there without thoughts...i llike this...being in the moment of joy rather than in the action or words of it...

and it was interesting after journey group...a person invited others to a water ceremony for the venus transit...i knew alot about this occurrence and yet i held back and didnt speak...it was interesting to watch how others collectively tried to explain it and share...it would have been easy to open my mouth and spill out all this information but it was nice to watch others share...i smiled in my place of joy...i was happy...i didnt have to step in and fix it or share...i just watched the moment...and maybe being still and present is simple joy...to give them space to connect with each other was cool...if i had spilled out information they would have missed out...and where is the joy in that...

i am learning...it is good...and i have a very sweet guide who seems to be the 2nd teacher in the waterfall teachers i have been watching for...north and east taken care of...now west and south...

Sunday, May 13, 2012

now

the touch of moonlight on your skin...the whispered meditation you say when sleep will not take hold...the million little maybes you hold yourself back with...the rising tide of tears you refuse to spill...the last ditch effort of love to break out of your heart...the clench of words held in your throat...the flames burning in your deep belly bowl...a swell of music filling up your bones...the gentle stars peaking at you through your curtains tonight...the part of you screaming yes and the yes you know is right...you know...its time..give it up...give in...get over it...its time...live it up...live in...the full embrace of your own life...

Friday, May 11, 2012

being fearless

ok so i am BLOWN AWAY...oh yeah...so here is the wow of it...i been feeling weirdly sick all day...shaky...face on fire...fatigue....like my blood pressure is shooting up and then releases...weak...took a very sick nap in big blue (my recliner)...woke up and still yucky...wondering if i should just go to the emergency room...needing a ride if i do...then i made a cup of tea and decided to distract myself with youtube...saw the book on my coffee table i havent read yet...anatomy of the spirit by caroline myss...been thinking about someone who is taking an online course with her...so i youtube the author...it is the voice and woman in my journey from the waterfall journey of a few weeks ago...the woman with the new york accent!...wild...and then i click on a title of hers....being fearless...sounded interesting...this is the BLOWN AWAY even more part...


it is an entire series there worth watching...but the first one had me...it is what i have been doing...white knuckle spiritual work with divine guidance and with all the faith and courage i could bring...and i overcame...her words gave me chills...her voice...and the understanding she has of how surreal this life is today...i have felt so out of it...the world being simply so dysfunctional and odd...to even stand in a grocery line while people talk has been unnerving lately...they seem to speak a different language...of hate and fear and negativity...crude and vulgar often...and i look at them and wonder if they ever experience love...to hear her talk of the things i have been thinking about is profound to me tonight...i feel my energy shifting...i feel my blood pressure lowering...more and deeper is what my essence is telling me...i am going into a greater place and deeper...it is exciting...i cant wait to listen more...and i also cant wait for what is coming at me next...

heart of the matter

"You must first love yourself before you love another.

By accepting yourself and joyfully being what you are, you fulfill your own abilities, and your simple presence can make others happy. You cannot hate yourself and love anyone else. It is impossible. You will instead project all the qualities you do not think you possess upon someone else, do them lip service, and hate the other individual for possessing them. Though you profess to love the other, you will try to undermine the very foundations of his or her being."

Jane Roberts~The Nature of Personal Reality, sess 674



i have to smile at these words and all those things lately which i am most aware of coming into my life for the healing of my heart and mind...my soul and the unseen has done this amazing but simple healing in configuring events, words, places, songs, images and people to assist me in the betterment of my life...the above statement rings so very true...i understand so much now...

i can love others in a better way ...because i adore myself...i do...not in an ego way but in a great way that says hey i am great company for myself and i really like and love me...i finally feel very comfortable with me...

i honestly dont have to expose myself to others of negative intent or who disrespect me...they need to be kind to me or i dont have to put up with it...i feel so good about knowing this...

and darn it i can smile all i want...kinda tired of folks asking me why i am smiling and i felt like i was doing something wrong...i smile because i feel happy...so get over it or get out of my face...lol...i am going to smile...

also i am a reactionary person...a quick thinker and talker...i am working on modifying it but there is nothing wrong with being this way...just like others are slower to talk and think much more before speaking...both makes sense to me...so get over me being like this or dont approach me for a conversation...and for goddess sake dont ask for my input or opinion if all you want is to vent or process outloud...maybe a flashcard could help me out huh?...hold it up if you are gonna simply vent...i wont say a word or give an opinion then...saves you from being annoyed and saves me from wasting brain cells...i will just nod and smile....

and yes i am smart...not a freakin genius but i am smart and i am not going to dumb myself down to make you feel less insecure...simply accept you know what you know and i know what i know...we both offer ideas and knowledge and that is that...

i like people and i love them...and i like and love myself...i am done being so hard on myself and others...

not feeling so great health wise lately...but i am spiritually the healthiest i have ever been and i love this...i love me...and i love everyone else...

(phew...i feel so much better now...lol...)

trippy thought #9,992,457,215,002



woke up thinking about love and the different ways of loving and the perfection of love...the one perfect and pure thing on this earth really...so i journeyed on love...didnt even pose a question...just dived right in...

went to a lush woods...came to a very elaborate nesting tree where this way cool bird creature was hanging out...i go to speak and instead i am singing the song lines "i want to know what love is...i want you to show me...i want to feel what love is...i know you can show me..." (by the band foreigner) and then i just started laughing and laughing...rolling on the ground...one of those wild jags of laughter ya know?...

i realized the cool bird was like a 70's glam rock kinda bird...and the stars were tiny disco balls...the tree had a 70's pop art look...and i was wearing my cool purple suede bell bottomed pants suit from the 70's!...i tell ya i was the hottest looking 7th grader on the planet!...and there i was dressed like it again...

and oh my gosh i had this wonderful, perfect memory of my first true love getting off the school bus...annetta h. with her long hair and freckles across her nose...i adored her...sigh...and then i realized more...it was the time period my parents were freaking out even more about me...it was when i got very sick...it was around when i first wanted to kill myself...wow...

and i remember the butterflies in stilettos dancing in my tummy when i saw her...and all those years after going to school with her...of being near her but remaining friends always...holding back...never telling her...just adoring her...and she still pops up in my head from time to time...i wish her happiness and that she is safe and healthy...it is a nice moment to spend with her...

i have settled many times to be with someone i love...and yet loving itself is something completely unattached to what experiences may or may not happen...simply put--love is love...

and so there is the answer...

i also thought of how wonderful it is to love...i sat under the tree in the the cascade of dancing lights falling from the disco balls in the sky...and i loved...waves of love going out...and the more i loved the more love i wanted to send out...unattached to any outcome...just loving everything and everyone...and feeling it come back in wonderful waves of love as well...trippy...very trippy...

~*~

Thursday, May 10, 2012

another day goes away...


sometimes i go through my day not getting "it"...why "it" all has to be this way...i dont understand the "structured" world in general...so much around me makes no sense...i seek a translation and there is none...there are no words to match the feelings of grace i feel but i am also at a loss in using words to explain the bewildering feelings as i navigate a de-evolving culture...there are very few places to fit my life into and yet i belong to the world...

i go in and out of places some days wondering if there are others who dont quite fit in to this world as well...

i was coming back from north kingston today and felt overwhelmed by love...the love i have for others...for the green of the trees...for the sky of roaring grey clouds...i felt loved as well...and my eyes blurred with tears of gratitude...so much so i pulled over...and there before me was a small sparrow flopping on the roadway...struggling to escape the speeding cars...and it did...so i came to it and picked it up...took it into the grass and sat with it...giving it comfort and love...it calmed...and then i felt it...the stillness...its eye changing...
emptying out...it was gone...

i felt so honored and humbled by this...i felt so...well...needed i guess you could say...like the unseen filled me with love so i would pull over and offer this love to this wee sparrow...and i felt more love from it and the unseen than i have felt given to me by anyone lately...i felt it trusted me...what an incredibly tender thing to be trusted...i gave a simple prayer to it and to the world...may we all have gentleness in each moment...may the pain leave and the love remain...

i hope this for everyone...from the smallest sparrow passing to the most sorrowful being enduring a long hardship...we are each others angels and we should feel the honor and
the sacredness in being this...

peace to all...

time





i have a watch i sometimes wear...i dont wind it...the time staying frozen on the watch's face...it is a reminder...a reminder to me of someone i love whos time came to an end in their human form...

i think of time...i often hear people say they dont have time...i would like to take your class but i dont have any time this week...i am so busy--where does the time go...i dont have time for this...time is going by so fast...

so many folks seem to be speaking of the lack of time lately...and i found myself speeding up and shoving in more into my days and yet missing out on the things i really want to do...i was doing things i felt obligated to do...pressured into doing to earn money...locked into doing for others...and then this week something more has happened to me as i am going through this revolutionary change of surrender...i have time...

i have time to sleep...i have time to sit and rest...i have time to write...to paint...to stop and watch a duck play in the water...i have time to talk to someone...i have time to do mundane tasks...i have time to connect with my higher self...time to meditate and pray...

it was when i started letting things creep in on me i dont want to do i realized time was speeding up...when i started approaching a task i didnt want to do i felt my energy drain...the phrases "i should" or "i have to" came up...then i started thinking i have to motivate and do it...i have bills to pay and responsibilities...but then the things i was lining up to do have been unsuccessful...they simply occupy me and keep me from achieving what i want to achieve...and with the enjoyment in doing what i want...i have been trapped in a silly loop of try and try and try while time is gobbling me up...

self sabotage...ding ding ding...the alarm went off...

time...busy time...keeping busy with something is just another form of avoidance...and i dont want to avoid life or experiences i want to enjoy...i want to rid myself of struggle and strife after all...i want time...and i have time...and how can you ever be too busy to do what is important...unless you are avoiding...

avoiding who you dont want to interact with...avoiding an environment not comfortable...avoiding change...avoiding happiness even...and so now i wake and think "how do i want to spend my time?"...some folks lock themselves into jobs they hate or relationships or the wrong place to live...

there is the root cause(s) but the first warning bell in your life should be the one going off when you say "i dont have the time"...you do have the time to do what you want to do...but do you have the courage? the passion? the permission you give yourself to spend your time the way you want?

think of someone who is gone from their body now...do you think if they stepped back into life today they would ever say "i dont have time"...or do you think they would be brave and bold and create the life they wanted all along but thought they couldnt do it for one reason or another...

you....you have the time...and it is now...how are you going to spend it? what are you going to embrace and do...what are you going to let go of...take the time...its yours after all...

in love

♥...i think this years heart opening theme is really taking hold in many people...even as you do witness some who are negative and unkind and reactionary in negative ways i hope you feel it shifting as i do...in myself and others...i think a gentle wave of love is flowing...i think slowly but profoundly we are all becoming renewed as we accept love in and send it out...i think the healers of the world are learning to heal themselves and thus become better lovers of the world...

i feel all the way awake...settled in to a different way of approaching things...solving things not from the narrow place of ego but the spacious place of soul...in ego not one drop of love is present...only fear...but in my soul there is only love and no fear...how wonderful to experience this constant flow of love...to know i am precious and you are and each of us is worthy simply by being...

even those who do harm are teachers and i know this now...of course we should prevent others from doing harm...but when they do it is a great teacher in how we love and to what immense depths we love...

i am slower these days than i have been...slower in my thoughts leading to reactionary speech...and when i do need to say something i am more conscious of the positive approach...i still have a long journey in taking what is pure in my heart and translating it to peaceful words but i feel dedicated to do so...

so today we walk in love...you and i...enjoying what is...a flower...a smile...a simple act of kindness...feeling the flow of love as we breath in and out...affirming our own life in the living of our day...focusing and refocusing on kindness...keeping the flow going....keeping the shift happening...



Wednesday, May 9, 2012

illumination

i see you in the cloak of a white snowy owl...eyes silver like tucked away stars...your hands beginning to speak of your age...they are gentle hands of kindness...of healing...you stand beneath the great oak of life...you stand there with the shimmer of tears in your eyes...you struggle...you seek...i understand you wounded healer...yet do you understand?...healing awaits you...do not fear the falling away of what was...do not hold on a moment longer...forgive...be grateful...then love...it is those three steps that free you from your suffering...

forgive...find the root of what holds you in your suffering...destroy it with forgiveness...

be grateful for your healing...this part is where the letting go and acceptance comes...you are claiming your victory...by the act of gratitude you transform...

then love...love with an open heart...open hearts never break...for in true loves form it is never polluted by attachment...love for loves sake...embrace your family...your friends...strangers...the world...yourself...your beloved...with pure and perfect love...do not hold back...trust...give yourself to love...

feeling IT

feeling the fire today...the root chakra burning...like a tree stump...and in its place new growth...roots shooting out...more connected to earth and reaching towards the sun...deep red clay chakra...the brilliant sun...center of life...balance of air and fire..it is exciting...and as i find this empowering i am connected to the thought of the sun...that i am as great as the energy of the sun...because i am a star of light and energy...the sun is a star...the light and energy of the sun is me as well...i am the vitality of a creative force of this universe...i am fire...the red snake twining up and out...in a dance of energy...in a fully experienced consciousness...

Monday, May 7, 2012

awakening

could be galway...almost?


was kinda cool to look out my 3rd floor window this morning and see a church steeple...not very ornate but still it gave me the feeling i was in europe again...there is always this feeling coming up as i look out a high up window like this...seeing rooftops and churches...i have often stayed on higher floors in flats and hotels...in ireland especially...

the meyrick is my favorite in galway...it overlooks the eyre square and has such dramatic tall windows with thick shudders and draw shades...i felt like i was there this morning...it was a lovely notion but alas no big irish breakie was waiting for me to devour...i so loved my buttery grits and coffee though...i think i am actually finding myself comfortable in my wee majickal place atlast...i am so at peace today and so creative...so deeply centered and hopeful...

the death mask

i have awakened early and with odd thoughts of a death mask on my face...so i have gotten up and journeyed into this vision...this is my journey....

i was in a cave and laid out on a slab of cold stone...i couldnt move...as if dead but my mind was alive with thought...a mask of natural materials was on my face...my opened hands were filled with the heads of small white flowers...at my feet a bowl of water...at the top of my head a small vessel of fire...on my chest a circle of small stones...

i couldnt move yet i saw my body and saw the others there to mourn me...i felt their sadness...yet i was not sad...i was simply there...not afraid...not concerned...in fact i was relaxed...i felt finally at home...

i was feeling the air in the room and the stone slab as the same...as if each had their own "vibe" but not the same "value"...it is hard to describe this part and the next...but as best as i can put it into words i journeyed into my own form at a level i have never experienced before and yet felt natural...i felt this human body as a precious collection of being...each part broken down into smaller and smaller...i was in my hand and yet was then in a bit of tissue...and then smaller and smaller and floating through the body...to the brain...to the brain that still had consciousness yet no "life"...it was simply there waiting to find its way out to meet up with me...

and that is when i realized the consciousness and the soul are separate...they need to integrate...the soul had left the body but the consciousness simply was/is there in the thought center...and then would expand outward along a thread of thought running through everything...the soul is more of a traveller...a bit of consciousness with a unique vibe which can go to meet up with other souls or stay in the body or reach into other times and places...memories or other peoples thoughts can be the transportation of the soul...god/the source/the unseen is the place of soul...hard to describe this knowing...it is as if the soul of my presence is inside gods soul...trippy...lol...

it was fascinating to journey like this...the consciousness left the body and connected with the soul..."we" then travelled out to places together...finding others dreaming...awake and struggling...one crying and feeling a great sense of loss...there was no sense of time or the weight of negative emotions...i...this consciousness and this soul...they...i...it...was a calm but profound amplifier of love...a love so soft and so gentle...so tender and so peaceful...simple words describe it but could never capture this immense love...it went on forever....though no time was where i was...

i simply went to each person i knew and sat with them for a bit...letting each one drink in the love...each ones higher self communed with me...it was so beautiful to finally express my love and gratitude in such a way...there was such peace...

and then i was suddenly in a place of green...i was approached by this single thought...this can be your life...this level of peace and acceptance can be your life...to love and to simply be...to unframe the picture of who you thought you were and accept who you really are...

the body on the stone slab moved and sat up and yet this body was not me...it was a body...i had to actually reattach myself to form and it was difficult...once i did i had to accept the limitation of form...i walked from the cave and then into the green...soul consciousness reached out...i was with a tall tree...and suddenly i was the tree...and then a brook...and then a bird...a few people i love closely were before me and i was them...in them i felt myself in a hand...a leg...an eye...

i got it...the connective current of consciousness...the removal of commitment to my fear of death had occurred...suddenly i expanded my thoughts even more...i saw myself waking from a dream with a death mask because i had been dreaming of someone who is afraid of death and essentially her own life...the thought came...if she hides out from life and never lives it then she unconsciously is thinking on a level she will not approach her own death because she is always waiting for her life to be lived...yet time is forcing her to deal with this fear...this fear placed in her as a child...her wounding moments which she has carried with her all these seasons of life....she is afraid of what awaits her in death...she is afraid of the after life...she is afraid still of what she experienced as a child...she is a consumed ego of fear...it IS trippy stuff i tell ya...lol...

and in her fears i found mine...yet i am in this journey accepting the thought which is...we are not our deaths or the ending of others...we are not the death which comes to claim us or others...we are never dead...and never will be...i absolutely know my equality of existence...i know my body will fall away and i will be unmasked completely...i now can feel a complete connection with everything...

my life is simply in the breath of the moment...in the single heartbeat which courses blood through my veins...and yet...

i am not my body...i am my integrated consciousness who has met up and accepted the soul...and these two parts of what is me and all has now come together this morning...it is as if i have died to an idea of self and now am reborn to my true self at last...the being i always should have been but had separated from in childhood from influences of damaged beings placed in my presence...

so many of us this year seem to be awakening to this knowing without knowing...until we fully know...there is struggle in it...to deal with death of one way of thinking and being and expand into what should have been our path if it had not been polluted by dysfunctions...

i sense others are waking up to their more blessed existence...the struggle to let go and accept is so intense and yet it is a must...i know for myself the moment i found the root cause of my suffering and removed it i was freed...

out of the journey now i feel somehow lighter...as if all of my body is stretched over a large space yet none at all...i am more aware of the sounds outside...the cold of this room...the touch of my fingertips onto keys...the sleepy feelings in my eyes...the soreness in my foot....i am aware of my breath...my heartbeat...my happiness...



Sunday, May 6, 2012

slant of light...


the mill window catches sunlight...bouncing it through the prism...dappling rainbows here and there...i felt like a slant of light today...passing through the prism of love...easily becoming a rainbow...a rainbow butterfly dancing its wings across the room...

all is well...


just had to put this quote in the present...all is well...all is well...all manner of thing is well...and i so dig the infinity symbol...

last night i braved going to hang out with others and to do a lovely ritual to celebrate this season of green and awakening...i talked myself in and out of going most of the day...at times still it is hard to be around others...they see me perhaps as the "other" colleen...the one with the old junk still clunking around in her...and i could pull that role up and wear it...but it so doesnt fit any more and definitely is not a good look on me...

so i went with an open heart...was vulnerable but pushed through it...i still cant tell if folks ever like me or not...but i like them and i like myself these days...i really do...and if i like me maybe it will rub off on others...as for me hangin out with them i can honestly say i embraced and loved each one of them for their good hearts and how they face their own fears...they...each of them...were so incredibly beautiful in their own way...a person struggling still shined with goodness...another who had been through a struggle was at peace...i found beauty in each one around the room and in turn it brought the beauty out in me....

so this morning in my tangerine and goddess green apartment i sit in the lovely silence of peace and send them and all so much love...i am filled to the brim with love this morning...it is beginning to overflow...my heart is so filled with the love i have for family and friends...for those i simply know in brief exchanges...for the world...

and i celebrate myself today...i am not afraid...how wonderful to not be afraid of love and loving others...to remove fear and open up...to risk and receive...to have it so easily accepted i am loved by the seen and the great unseen...i have angels of flesh and spirit who both care about me...and how tender and good to care about myself....

it is a good day...i send you a good day as well...all you have to do is say yes to it and you will see too...you will see with new eyes the beauty all around you...and the burdens you thought were so important to hold on to will fall away...you will see with these eyes all the good you have done...and you will forgive yourself and others of the wrong actions...with these new eyes you will see the beauty i see and you will let go of all selfish ways and send love out and let it re-enter glistening...sounds hard?...sounds like too much?...nah...it is living in faith...it is like i always say...it is leaping off the cliff knowing you will be caught by a million butterflies...the beauty in life will always save us...and there is still so much beauty in the world...

namaste...

Friday, May 4, 2012

faith...

i decided to not be jaded any more...i decided to see what is out there in life....i decided to forget the lonely howl...and run with the idea of soft fur and two sets of tracks...i aint gonna fall prey to more empty pocket dreams...i aint gonna fall hard for false promises either...i aint gonna listen to my head when it comes to love...i am gonna listen to my heart all the way...and if my heartbeat matches up with yours...well i will dance there in the moonlight with you...but i aint gonna fall for broken tunes...this next dance has to be the one...so save the last dance for me tonight...if your dance card has got the room...see mine is full as well...but...all the lines have got your name written down...so if you have the time...i have the moon...come dance with me and see how high we will go...come dance with me tonight...

improv

here in the darkness the sky opens...stars spill out...ocean rises up to press her hips against the curve of the moon...waves shiver to shore...i am stretched out on the wet sand waiting...you rise...glistening...shimmering scales fall and float away...you walk a bit unsteady...yet here you are...brave...kneeling...hands whisper their prayers...full tongues dance...speak to me in tongues mermaid...tell me your stories and i will tell you mine...we will speak this language of love all night...

passion


my muse is back...and in the most accidental way...i bumped into her mid-flight...between earth and sky...she didnt smile brightly or say much of anything but she was there...and i breathed her in like stardust and stayed high for the rest of the day...i am going to paint now...i will finish my book...and there are poems crowding my heart like crows over a pregnant cornfield...i am going to love the hours good and strong...pulling off amazing feats of fancy...i am standing on the roof of my tree house shouting as the storm smashes down...i am laughing...i am open...my heart is ablaze...and i feel free...i know now...love is not a calm pool to sink into...love is a slash of lightning...love is a fire...love is roaring through me tonight...

no more duct tape moments...


i have been spending alot of time in life duct taping myself back together...come on colleen keep it together for the day and then you can fall apart tonight...come on colleen and get thru this week and you can sit down and have the crying jag on sunday morning...come on colleen ignore the unhappiness and fake it...fake it til you make it...push yourself harder colleen...come on and be grateful dang it!...other folks have it much harder!...why arent you fixed yet?!...you know all the stuff you are suppose to heal...why arent you healed?!!!...

so you get the chatter in my head?...for years...i am going to say nearly 20 years of self work...exploring my inner "stuff" when i could...gleaning universal truth...opening up...piecing things together...figuring out what has kept breaking me...depressing me...derailing my life...

breaking and repairing became the cycle...always seeing myself as this work in progress...yet all i was doing was trying to maintain a facade...trying to get love and keep it...trying to be good...trying...which when you try you never succeed...another morsel of wisdom i "learned" but never embraced...

in me was a critical mass building and i never knew it...words, images, memories moving me towards understanding...people have come into my life to chip away at my resistance...to unveil my own healing...so many moments racked up to lead to the full understanding of myself and the why...finally!...why do i do the things i do...why cant i fix my life...why do i get discouraged...why do i give up...and wow weeeee...i am so understanding of it and so forgiving of it and so grateful to understand...now i can change my negative behaviors from such a place of strength...i can accept with ease the things i needed to accept about my life...and oh my gosh i can forgive and love my parents finally...and when it is not too late to show them...with an open heart and the deepest compassion possible...what a gift...i go down south to see them soon and am actually looking forward to it...to the level of loving them i have reached is amazing..the forgiveness...it is so grace filled to forgive...and i have...i dont have to seek approval by self sacrifice and servitude...i can simply be a daughter and not anything else...

so lately with the depression and suicidal feelings i had to look at all the dark parts of myself...the anger...the hurt...the fears...i had to keep peeling and peeling away...i had to isolate memories and put them in a timeline to see what was happening then...it was hard at first to place myself in a certain year or environment...there for many years i was at my mamaws, my aunts land and then at my parents...so i had a hard time assigning an age to myself and what was happening to my parents and why they directed such anger towards me...such incredible dislike...

and yet i did just that...it was around 6 grade and some of 7th...i had to wear dresses every day was a rule that popped up and my dad or mom would check to see if i was wearing them....i would sneak pants to school and at least wear them with a dress...which was not odd at the time because some girls did this for gym class...i just did it all day...tucking a dress in my pants at times...or peeling it off if it was a jumper dress with a blouse underneath to keep on...this was one huge friction that had my mom telling me she loved me but didnt like me...she wanted a girl and not another boy she would say...no one was ever going to love me she would say often...yet she would never say why...i never knew why...i just thought it meant she wouldnt and others wouldnt love me period....

this timeline alone began to make the light bulb come on...i did not understood her rejection of me so often...even before when i was younger she didnt like that i would squat like my dad when he was doing work...or how i stood with my fingers hooked in my belt loops...little things always...but then around 6 grade my dad started joining in...button your jacket...part your hair in the middle more...so many little things...always trying to correct my looks and my body movements..."sit like a lady"...

being around them was stressful...they had alot going on in their relationship...alot of fighting and unhappy times...but then it would get focused on me and they had something to come together over...

the preacher came  and did a laying on of hands to heal me but i didnt know from what...dad told me more than once i was unloveable as well as mom who often said it...and then there was the threats of sending me away...to "prunty town" or "weston"...an orphanage and the other a mental institution...but why? was i such a bad girl i would think and try harder...do more...for everyone...friends, family, relatives, volunteer work...i was one tired kid so often...

every time with these threats i thought it was because i was a bad daughter...i did fight to not wear dresses and i did want boys tennis shoes to play basketball in...i  wanted these things for myself but to them it was no no no....so i would sneak and wear a neighbor boys hand me down converses...i would go off for days and play ball...finally a cool woman doctor in town told them to let me play b-ball and wear pants...she was a lesbian and had a huge understanding of my suffering...she told them it would help strengthen my bones...made it all out to be a medical thing...way cool...

so long long story winding around to this...

the root of my self hate was the hate they placed in me...and their hatred of me stemmed from....drum roll please...the fear i might be gay...

wow huh?...i honestly never deeply let that register...i mean i have figured out what the preacher was trying to heal me of...but i never thought the hatred was so mean...i thought it was just...you know i dont know what i was thinking all these years...maybe i have never felt this dislike of being gay...no internalized homophobia...i love who i am...have never felt ashamed or bad about it...i feel like i was created with perfection and who i am is great...honestly i love being gay...it is normal to me...a perfect fit...i dont dislike men and boys...i do enjoy them...but i enjoy women and i especially enjoy being around bi-sexual women and lesbians...i also have a great fondness for transgender folks...i love their energy...i love everyone...lol...but see i was born a lesbian and it has never felt evil, sinful, wrong...i truly have never felt one moment of shame...i know i am loved by the unseen....i have always felt this profound embrace and love from the god i know to be pure and loving...and i know i will go completely home to that perfection some day...

but i never truly let myself understand just how much my parents didnt like me...and even earlier than 6th grade...when i was very young and already "different"....

and so after this big light bulb moment a couple of days ago i was able to sit with it and let it blossom in my mind...this new knowing...

my parents rejected me not because i was a bad person or unlovable...but because i was gay and they couldnt handle it...it was their stuff and not mine all along...all the hate my mother has directed towards me...all my dad's weird stuff towards me...they havent liked me because i am gay...

seems so obvious but i never thought about it because it is so very foreign to even consider a parent rejecting a child on such a basic thing and letting it come out in all these different ways...of seeing me as less than, as seeing me without family and not attached to a place, to see me as a servant, to see me as not well...all of it...

these are the roots i am now pulling up...this is my depression...my self sabotage...my low esteem...my enslavement to ego...my exile from my own life...

and for the past couple of days i am beginning to accept or re-accept my body and be comfortable with it...to accept my aloneness and am beginning to love my apartment...i am enjoying a level of peace i cant even understand yet...

i see my young life and all the strength i had then and the woman i am now and i am integrating the two...i have been strong all along but not able to cope at times...i felt disliked and unloved so often...

but wow if i thought i had an open heart before it is nothing compared to what is now happening...and my trust in people who say they love me or care about me is finding an acceptance within me...i am beginning to trust love from others for the first time since i was rejected by my parents...

last night on the phone with my mom i told her i have always been in love with cloris leachman...she is just one of those women who are smart, seems independent and strong and has a wicked good sense of humor i relate to...and so i made my mother laugh describing how i would have proposed to cloris and how we would have run off to las vegas to get married...i would have dressed as liberace and cloris as elvis...just for the whacky visual of it...and my mom laughed and laughed...

and in that moment i whole heartedly loved my mom again...forgiveness came...for everything...for it all...not one thing to hold onto...i can feel for her again and love her...i tell her i love her at the end of phone calls and yet it is just a level of love...now i get to love this woman who gave birth to me...just as she is...where she is at in her life...as a daughter...

and?

and i can love and accept myself as the good daughter, kind person, loving friend, spritual being, creative bohemian, big hearted tree hugging lesbian i am...i really like myself...i would marry me...lol...i am a cool person and it is great to know that....and feel it...and believe it at last...i am likeable and i am lovable...

ta-dah... 

Thursday, May 3, 2012

morning prayer

fear is the sharp clawed snatch of happiness from my life...discouragement is the the surrender of my happiness...suffering is the embrace of fear...this morning fear makes no prey of me...whatever i face today i face it with love and compassion...i give this gift to myself and to all i meet...namaste...

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

thank you...


hallelujah...a good song to close out the night with...a lot of things making sense for me suddenly...a great peace comes from this and complete acceptance...understanding now...the why answered...the why of it all...the big why...i cursed myself...and now i released myself...and all that is left is the praise and the gratitude...for all of it...for my silly little life...

i am reminded of the time the plane i was in took a nose dive as it was landing in chicago...we all grabbed the seats in front of us...the engines whined...folks screamed...but all i could think was "thank you"...to god...yes to god...thank you...for life and for the mystery...for keeping it interesting...for the challenges...for the beauty...for every inch of it...for the rough parts and the smooth...and so for this day as well...nd for my healing...the healing of the wounded healer...thank you...

changeling

True change is within;
leave the outside as it is. 
~His Holiness The Dalai Lama


i took a journey into the darkness of myself and found it to be one of those places of great pain but also of great lessons in letting go and finding acceptance in myself...sometimes the greatest sojourn to take is to those places within...to look with compassion and yet without hiding anything from your inspection...we have all done things we dont like to look at...i have done much to deny myself love while at the same time starving for it....what torture to sit at a feast and not eat....why?...to ask why was the first step onto the path of my healing...but only the first...the harder steps came with great suffering yet with an overriding love from Spirit...

i faced the risk of death by own hands a few times recently...one night was very difficult...i sat alone in my apartment with the keys in my hand ready to drive and find a place away from others to end my life...instead i prayed...in exhaustion finally i fell asleep...i had a comforting dream...the unseen kindly bringing a dream of the stars and the trees and a treehouse i was going to in my mind for awhile...it kept me alive another day...there was another time i had to go over to someones house and stay with them so i wasnt alone... 

i braved going to a gathering of women and afterwards felt so incredibly alone and in pain...this was a close call too...but i held on...i have those i love and i do not want to hurt them by ending my life...they have been my manna from heaven...the thoughts of them and their goodness coming through when my suffering was the greatest... 

i made myself do the small things of simply brushing my teeth and getting dressed...i then did bigger things of going out and being around others...isolation is my first desire but the worst thing i can do to myself...so i would go out...i let myself forget the stress and pressures of my life and would enjoy a few hours of being around others...

alone i would pray and meditate...i would cry and feel the hurt when it was safe to do so...i would consciously release my pain even as it would fill back up in my mind....i would explore the pain...asking it questions...understanding it...having compassion for myself at last...seeing myself as i see others...with respect and love and of great worth...i felt my own pain and suffering in a different way...

i began claiming my own healing...i accepted the idea i could heal myself...and i began to do the work of healing myself...reading books, youtube surfing self help, praying, meditating, caretaking myself as i would another...finding the roots of my sorrow...

then it came to me...

it isnt that i want to die...i want the suffering to end...and so the question i placed at the center of my own healing altar has been  "what is causing me to suffer?"...and this is when the click happened...the key was turned in the lock of my own heart...at the root of my own desire to die was the answer...and when i found the root system this was when i began to create a living ritual of death...death of old thinking, old habits, old self punishing ways...i dont have to kill myself off...i kill the roots of my depression off...the invasive foreign "entity" growing in me...the unhappiness activated in me when i was young...spreading like kudzu through the tree of my life...this curse...

a big understanding of my own cycles of suffering has occurred...i have growing seasons of this depression...i have fed it and it has grown...i have allowed it to be there...i have kept it alive...it is not an enemy or a friend...it is just a thing that was placed into me when i was young...a seed of thought from my parents...the seed of "you will never be loved"...and all this time i have let that seed grow into this vine choking my life out of me...

so here are the important questions for you if you suffer from this unique depression...what has taken root in me? what is causing me to suffer? and what ritual can i create and practice for myself to remove the thoughts that feed depression? or come up with your own set of questions...your own visuals...

you still get to kill something...just not yourself...mine is a negative aspect of ego which keeps growing back...and why does it grow back?...because i have not dealt with the root cause...until now...and it isnt a quick process...i have to watch myself and see when i begin to feed the well rooted vine of self hate...i have to keep removing it all together...i am not all the way well but i have this amazing chance to feel how i should have felt when i was a child and was pure in love...i have this chance and i am working very hard daily to remove all this self hate, self punishment, self exile...to remove the thoughts put in me long ago and to allow myself to feel loved by others and by the infinite love that is...

i keep thinking i have killed off the roots and yet a thought comes which shows me it is still there in me...but now i have a chance...i need to let myself have the energy to do the work...i need to be conscious of this self work...and i am...i feel close...i feel like i may experience this lifting away of all the tangled vine of suffering and the roots of my curse...i am giving it my best efforts...i am hopeful...i am not going to claim victory yet like i have before...not knowing it was still in me...but i do now...i know the last of the roots are there...i can feel them...and i will remove them as well...