Sunday, April 28, 2013

journey to god...

a simple journey to meet god and ask for guidance...yep god was my guide...i figure i might as well try going right to the source...and there god was...as if everything rushed into a smallness...a pinpoint of light...a spec...and that for a moment was god...then it all expanded in a great whooosh and was everything...then a focused place came...a place of light...and in the light a more dense light...and i was there...love pulsed from it...compassion...sacredness...a circle came from the dense light and set a circle around me...i was a light being...with other light beings and this denser light...and we were sitting in a circle...i saw my life in the middle of the circle...this life moving in jerky movements...stopping for a moment on different times...it was like i was filling in the gaps of my own memories...things i had forgotten...like singing "stoney end" at a talent show and a girl came up and kissed me on the cheek and told me i had a lovely voice...i forgot that...the blush...the butterflies in my belly...then more moments...some easy to look at and some which hurt...i felt comforted as i endured this...i felt loved and even respected...yes respected is the word...to have the courage to come this far...to not be afraid to face it all...and believe me i faced it all there in the presence of god...not easy to consciously stand before god and look at all my worst moments...but then it was also very freeing...to not feel judged was the odd part...

i did ask this...where is the judgement?...god spoke in this wordless way i adapted to as well...god said no judgement...no punishment...no suffering...this is the place outside of suffering...this is the place of....and this is where it gets hard to put into words...it isnt that there is a price to pay so to speak...not karma...it is like this...if there is a good choice or not good choice it still ends up at the same spot...it just takes more energy to configure and get to the same spot...if good is chosen then less suffering and less configurations...if not good is chosen then longer and more configuring but both will arrive at the same outcome...it is so hard to explain something beyond words...but i see it now...it is all patterns...all the repeating of a design to get to the sameness...which doesnt make sense until you look around you and see it...how everything makes sense...that it is exactly what it needs to be...

i was shown how the universe is expanding at the same ratio as our human minds are expanding...i was shown the connective tissue of all things...and yet how this is simply forms and colors and patterns to help us experience a different way before taking on our original form again...that the human experience in the human dimension is the equal of the spirit form in the spirit dimension...equal experiences of immense sacred importance...i was amazed by this...it is overwhelming in a beautiful way...

i had to ask about evil...the shootings at schools...the bombing in boston fresh in my thoughts...the civil war in syria...the religious violence...the daily cruelty...yet god asked me a question...god asked why i dont believe in evil...and i dont...i never really have...it is always an odd word to me...evil...as if it is a degree of cruelty that separates out the worst humans do...but never made sense to me to have it separate...evil...i explained to god...evil is about making something so wicked and vile that we think ordinary humans cant do it and it gives us special permission to hate an "evil person" and wish them harm...i told god i could easily be a hitler or a man sitting a bomb down at a boston marathon...that i could as easily be mother teresa or a person rushing into a burning building to save someone...it is all in the experiences leading one to a certain moment...we are all capable of good and not good i told god...a mind snaps and does a horrible act...a mind transcends and does great good in the world...so how can evil be something separate...

god flooded me with love...i felt like i was getting closer to understanding something and wanted to move closer to it...i felt a level of courage i often call upon when facing my own suffering on earth...i looked into the passing of my own life in the middle of the circle again...

i saw the night last year i nearly ended my life...i felt the emotions of it...the struggle...the desperate feelings...the fatigue...the sorrow...i felt the great suffering of it...i saw myself reaching out...being rejected...coming to the window that night...thinking of the release from my body...the end to the suffering...yet there in the center of the circle i saw this other thing...this light that grew from my chest that night...i knew what it was then and what it is now...it was my souls beacon signaling for assistance...and i received it...the inner strength it took to go on...to find answers...to open my heart up more and more was so beautiful...i felt god filling me again with so much love and approval...guiding me in how to keep my spirit strong...helping me to stay on the path of healing...

and i saw more recent times...my illness this winter...a different kind of struggle...i saw the day i was so hungry yet couldnt cross the floor to fix something to eat...i saw myself praying for strength...saw myself fall asleep...remembering the gentle dream i had...

god asked me why i didnt call anyone for help...i said i didnt think i was worth it...and i felt this lifting up from god then...this healing...this thing beyond words...this compassion i guess it was...gods compassion healing me of this feeling of unworthiness...gods thoughts telling me i shouldnt have had to ask...but it should have been given...yet he showed me other peoples hearts and ways...and i understand why they didnt...and send compassion...we are all struggling with our human weaknesses these days...as our minds expand and we know we need to change it is still hard to leap into the next level...to trust...

yet here i was in the presence of god and i was trusting this stranger to do all sorts of healing on me...yes god is a stranger when you havent met formally...lol...seriously it is a very odd thing to go through...imagine an alien knocking on your door wanting to heal you and you say ok sure? even though i knew this to be god it was a difficult moment to surrender to...yet i did...at each step...closer and closer to understanding myself...each thing falling into place...

why i took one path and not another...why i never quit things but see them through...why i take so much on and give folks many chances...why i punished myself...why i blocked memories out...so much came to me in the circle...the other beings sitting silently...grounding and supportive...

forgiving myself of countless moments i now remember...growing more respectful of all the times i chose to do right...loving the tenderness and the compassion i offered up again and again...watching myself in times of great loneliness being kind to myself...caring for others...

i was all caught up with this life and then seeing more...seeing an aging woman holding a baby...realizing that was me holding me...and it hit me then...it got me to that greater understanding no words can really explain...but it is what we all know...it is what we pull away from even as we hunger for it...i saw in both pairs of my eyes the same look...in the baby's eyes and the older woman's i saw that spark of god so perfect and so infinite...full of love...

i saw all of us as cells filling up a universal body...gods "body"...filling gods mind...gods heart...and when you know this...when you know you can cause suffering in god and in each other it is the thing that breaks through the walls and blockades and barriers you have set up...it makes you feel sick to know the great one of love and compassion is being harmed by your hate and wrong doing...then it is just as immense to know your goodness and compassion eases the suffering we are inflicting upon the beloved one...this creates a closer connection to the source and to the flow of love for me...it is almost too much to know yet important for me to know...it makes me want to always do good and be kind...to even more quickly correct my behavior and to do no harm so i do no harm to the one who created all of this and who gives us endless compassion and love...

these arent new ideas i write about...some are found in different religions...but what was different is i finally got it...who/what god is...what all of this is about...i felt gods suffering and i felt my own and the worlds suffering in a way so much more powerful than before...and i have come to understand the only real thing in all of this is love...the rest is just what we use to get to where we all need to be in this human place...

this was the greatest journey of my life...i am in love with god and all that is...what an amazing experience and one still growing in me like a peaceful lotus...i have approached all of this so often and yet backed away...but you know what?...the things i was afraid to look at in myself? those things i was ashamed of? god had seen and i had witnessed and others had felt the ripple from...yet no judgement came from the wellspring of love...god was there to serve me and heal me as much as i am to serve god and all others...

there really is a simple path...and it is easy to step onto...

forgive yourself...love yourself...love all others...it is all god wants...for the love to work its way through us and out into everything else...

the courage it takes to go to the source is nothing extra-ordinary...it just is...worth the trip...greeted with love...outside all suffering...able to take refuge in this wondrous place of light to receive a teaching and healing from god...it will change you in so many ways worth experiencing...you will never fear death or anything ever again...


 
 
p.s....this was my headtrip...you may or may not believe in a creator...you will get to where you need to be on a longer or shorter path but you will...i have faith in your human-spirit:)...meeting the beloved wasnt about a religious notion or any limits humans put on the beloved...just saying i met god and it was nothing i have known before...to be in the presence of perfect love was inspiring and i believe it was the truth behind all the myth making and misdirections we create...i went away from this experience understanding so much i got lost in trying to understand before...the clarity i have been seeking i found...the peace i always looked for was found...i have the deep unfolding trust in all of this life...i am not tangled up in the old nets of anger and hurt any more...i understand now...

Thursday, April 25, 2013

full moon journey...

i have had a migraine since last night...crying and in pain all day...it wont peak...i decided to reach for the moon to heal me...i journeyed and let her guide me...in my journey i carved a bowl from a sapphire stone and waited for the full moon to arrive...

 
i slowly sip the cool light in and find relief at last...i am in the cave of my knowing...i build a fire...i throw bones...the reading says to make a new path for myself...shed the old...i drum and ask for healing...a hand reaches from the fire and into my chest...all the dark roots are pulled out...more and more and more...burning out of me...i feel the ugly vines...the poison...the filth of all the curses and hate planted in me...i feel the sting of uprooted places in me...nerve endings on fire...my throat filled with twisted thorny vines...no wonder i couldnt tell people what i wanted to...no wonder i couldnt scream...more vines...more roots...bits of the cancerous self loathing...the sapphire bowl is there...i sip more...healing with fire...healing with moonlight...the fire hisses...i open my eyes to the new way...like lazarus i rise from the deadness of myself...
 
i am outside the cave...in moonlight...i see all those who asked so much of me...who judge me...who disrespect me...the ones who taught me self hate...i saw all these shining coins of light they held in their hands...it was parts of my soul...i took them back and swallowed them...they melted into places the roots and vines had been...i looked at each person...saw their vines and roots...i asked them if they wished to go to the cave for healing...some did and some didnt...i hope for all of them to have their wounds healed...
 
i left from the journey feeling the healing still expanding...i feel very sleepy but my head is better than it was...i think about all those people out their in the world...some i know and some i dont...all the suffering and fear...the uncertain times we live in...the cruelness of some...the compassion and goodness of others...i hope for all tonight...that love enters and in the light of love the darkness goes...

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

marriage equality in rhode island...wow...

marriage equality in rhode island today...when i read the headline i broke down and cried...happy for all those who will now walk down the aisle...for the families and the children who now have this to honor their love...i cried too as a whisper reached me from all those years ago when a gentle pair of eyes looked into mine and said "marry me"...and we did marry in our own way...a sweet ritual and loving words...she told me in the soft summer light of evening...with a voice as sweet as honey...she said "some day we will marry for real"...and i answered back "this is real for me"...but i know what she meant...and she would have married me...if we could have...the forever and ever with rights and with dignity...but for me we always had the dignity...janet baby i live in a state where we could have gotten married now...who knew i would live to see this day...i am so sorry you didnt...but you know i know we would have had one heck of a wedding...thank you for keeping me company in my heart tonight...i am so happy for everyone in this little state...it is a good and kind thing that has been done...

Sunday, April 7, 2013

mt. hope pond

yesterday at mt. hope pond to see spring being unfurled in a slow greening of willow trees and in the mating dance of geese and ducks...i heard the first peepers of the year there and saw the first tree buds opening up...seagulls, crows and hawks were vocal...but one thing was missing...


the swan i have photographed and talked to from time to time was gone...not long ago i went there to drum for it...drumming for the empty nest...drumming for the missing partner...drumming for its healing...for i found a kindred in this lone figure who stayed to the familiar and kept company with mallards and seagulls...

i felt happy it was venturing out and perhaps looking for a new place and partner...but i did miss seeing it...i have known it for over three years...yet i hope the drumming helped...the message isnt lost on me...perhaps it is time for me to heal this part of me...to trust more than i have and to venture out more...

walking around the pond and letting the green enter me was a blessing...geese sailing slowly along...the mallard males fighting for a mate while other mallards and geese were already paired up...

spring is here...sun blasting thru the trees...newness...risk...adventure...





 





Wednesday, April 3, 2013

water guide


journeyed to the cedar swamp this morning...the dark sepia water so full of knowing in this journey...my water guide rose up from it and spoke to me...the water guide takes on a human like form of water...s/he sways and moves in a calming dance...

i had my drum with me and i drummed for the water guide...to thank all of the waters...i needed this calmness s/he gave me...i woke up this morning feeling alittle lost...funny how i just wanted to go outside and touch a tree so i would be found...i often do this...and it is no surprise i ended up in the swamp...where trees and water grow power-filled together...sharing this sacred energy with anyone who will come to this most sacred place...

water guide stayed with me as i drummed and then told me to shapeshift into a tree and so i did...i felt the cool sepia water around me reaching into my roots...the ocean wind touched the top parts of me...my middle branches scraped against a neighboring trees reach...i was full of life and wisdom...tree wisdom born from water knowing...the swamp filled me with good energy...clearing me out and grounding me...the human me...the sun broke through clouds and my whole being rose up to take in the suns gift...

i stayed as a tree for what felt like a day...simply being...feeling the tree meditation i do in ordinary reality was being embodied here in this swamp...this temple of nature...

and as i returned to human form and the water rose up again to speak to me i felt full of what i needed to get through my human day...i felt solid...i felt freed of worry and "distant thought"...i felt focused where i was foggy...and water came up to me..told me to hold my drum face down...s/he filled the drum with water...i lifted the drum up and let the cool water slip down my throat...i felt the relaxation...i felt the wisdom water brings...i felt the purification...

then s/he whispered in that chiming voice i love..."this day like no other is full to the brim with signs and messages...be outside and be open to them"...and so i will...with an errand to run i am going to go out and find a tree to stand with and a body of water to listen to...i am open...

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

journey down a country road...

sat with a painting today before i let it go out into the world...a self portrait of me i painted more than 7 years ago now...i have looked at it many times...it was there through some tough stuff...looking back at me with a strong warrior presence...

it is time to let it go...and all my paintings...my walls are nearly bare...my studio is low on canvases and paints...soon i will be done with all of it...on to the next season soon...to summer and to the unknown of it rising up like some monolithic whale...dark and silent...soon breaking the surface...

all will be revealed...i can be patient...i can let it rise up...what i am to do and where i am to go...

i pulled on a flannel shirt today...a pale blue plaid like i use to wear as a teenager...i rolled up the sleeves and journeyed into the warrior painting...into the eye of it and into a world of green...walking the back roads in west virginia...it had just rained...the red clay mud sticking to my boots in clumps...i was wearing blue jean cutoffs halfway down my leg to cover up my big scar...and i had the flannel shirt on...sleeves unbuttoned and loose...my red baseball cap on...a backpack with lunch...a pb&j and a mason jar of water...

i walked by an old farm...the rain had filled the air with the scent of wet rust...dead trucks and cars littered the front of the farmhouse...an old dodge pickup was taken over as luxury housing for a couple of old dogs...they didnt even look at me...probably deaf and near blind at their age...one sat in the passenger seat...another at the wheel...staring forward as if they were waiting for someone to hop in the back before they headed out...

i kept walking...stopped at a creek and sat down...ate and watched the watery dance of tadpoles and minnows...a groundhog came up from its hole...looked at me...but i was alone in this walk...no guide...no company...i walked some more...donkeys in a field...the pulse of cicada breaking through the silence...the sharp sting to my nostrils from a crowded field of queen annes lace....

at last reaching the end of the dirt road...barbed wire and a sign saying no trespassing...but i climbed the fence...bouncing off the top feed of wire...rusty flakes of iron digging into my skin...no path to follow...no homestead...

the evening light coming in...a pink watermelon light blasting over the tall grass heads...

i climbed up on a ridge...rolling hills went from green to blue to purple...the sound of a lone owl came from close by...then as the sun slipped its last fingers of light down behind the hillside...one by one the lightning bugs turned on their lights...stars peeked through the sky in increasing numbers and a slither of moon appeared...

i built a small fire and let the night take me up into her soft embrace...

my guide came at last...my long gone brother...he was wearing his blue sneakers and striped shirt...his sears blue jeans and his blue baseball cap...freckles across his nose and twinkling eyes with thick eyelashes...he smiled and came to sit down beside me...

i told him what was going on with me...he knew and told me to not be afraid...i let him know i am not afraid of much these days...but i told him i am tired...too much has happened...i need some help...and he promised he would...he told me to trust in how things will unfold...to let it be as it needs to be...to not fight any of it...but to just walk with it all...like i had walked those country roads...we talked more...he was reminding me of things i had forgotten...things i need to remember now...trust he kept saying...hard to do when i dont trust...but then i suppose this is how i learn to trust again...or at least accept when trust gets wrecked...accept things as they are...make the best of what is...let my soul shine through my worries til they dissolve...

before i left the journey we watched the fire play with the darkness...and in the stillness we softly sang songs we use to sing together..."froggie went a courtin and he did ride uh-huh uh-huh...sword and a pistol by his side..."

out of the journey now i let it all sink in...the blessing of his visit...the stillness of this apartment...and i sing to myself those old songs we use to sing as night climbs in through the window...


Monday, April 1, 2013

solitude

i had one of those deeply quiet days...touching on different places inside me...witnessing the ebb and flow of feelings...looking at the possibilities before me...walking the earth...drumming by the water...keeping to myself in contemplation...

i took some time in the wind and sun...sitting with the swan who lost its partner a year or so ago...it still keeps to itself at mt. hope...there at a small pond edged with weeping willow trees...canadian geese sometimes will visit and a few ducks as well...but mostly it is a swan of solitude now...and i stayed with it and we talked for a spell...then i drummed and it came closer...i drummed for the spoiled nest a couple of seasons ago...and for the loss of the other...i drummed for it and myself too...i am still trying to heal the overturned patch of my heart where nothing grows...i hope for a field of wildflowers there now...i hope to heal the hurt....to transform the loss and give myself peace...funny to mourn something none of us really possesses in the first place...maybe this is the thing which scares us and keeps us from loving relationships...maybe we think we can possess it and when it will not be contained and controlled it is then too frightening to remain in...i dont know...but the swan was helping me along as i drummed...

the swan reminded me of spring days when i was a teenager...days stretched out on the greening grass sipping sun tea....writing and drawing and imagining my life...

once i wrote out all the years i would live....94 years...this was how long my great-granny had lived...1972...1973...1974...on and on the page filled...and then beside the year i wrote where i would be or what i would accomplish...

i would travel and marry a woman and have children and build a house and publish a book and paint and home school my kids...we would all go to wonderful places...and in the far future i would hold my first grandbaby and take all my family someplace wonderful to celebrate my 90th year...the page was full of life...

so today i did the same...with the swan watching over me...i took out my journal and wrote out the years...travel...relationships....deaths...the birth of my niece and nephew...illness...different places i have lived...i did put myself out to 94 but i cant really imagine making it that far...i would be fine with being a healthy woman in her 70s when i pass...so i put a smiley face at 72...my moms age now...so i have roughly 20 more years of life in theory...

i looked at wasted years and broken years...i looked at happy years and years full to the brim with adventure or a job i loved or the newness of a relationship...i saw many years how i felt i was starting over...that this was it...i would put down roots and stay put...but then i would feel too limited or something would stir in me to see what was just out of sight...a month or two in ireland...a year in nova scotia...a summer in south america...a year on an island in maine...along the ohio river the year we had the hundred year flood...cross country trips...a motorcycle ride from west virginia to key west...sitting in greenwich village drinking jasmine tea while patty smith read poetry all glassy eyed and crazy...walking around castro in sanfran with a smiling woman who adored me...finding adventures there...but the family dreams fell apart again and again...yet all and all my life has been full and with many different twists and turns...not often boring...more happiness than sorrow when it is written out beside the years...

i did good in the world often...helped folks...i conquered fears and embraced challenges...i won many battles and lost a few as well...my heart would break and then repair...

so here i was with a piece of paper and a swan today...the years ahead written out...i know i could write in anything and make much of it happen if i want it bad enough...if i have the time...but it is funny...when i went to write anything down my heart wasnt in it...i would mark it out...

the swan sailed off across the pond...the wind picked up...the page flapped in the wind like a wing...i drew a big smiley face over all the coming years and closed my journal...i drummed softly and journeyed...

i was in the future...blowing out a single candle on a cupcake...i felt someone smiling at me...patting my shoulder...it was peaceful...i suppose this is all i needed to know because the journey then ended...and when i came out of it the swan had returned...her right wing flapping in the air like my journal page...i shapeshifted into a swan and stayed for awhile longer...

this was a good day...