Monday, April 30, 2012

tree wisdom

i fell in love with this tree...it slowly has grown over the wall...its life coming to an end where it began so long ago...reaching up...always becoming more fully itself...beside this wall for how long now?...and the wall will remain...perhaps fall to pieces as the tree collapses...someone will rebuild the wall again?

i think of both the wall and tree often now...there is a teaching in this coupling...i must go back there soon and stand on the wall...touch the tree...

for some reason it makes me think of others who ebb and flow in and out of my life...i think of their hearts...how closed off they seem to be...are they the wall and am i the tree?...i feel as if the tree is trying to tell me something about hearts and trust and love and all the things going on inside of me these days...i will get to it all i suppose...i have time...so does the tree...we have had time together on this planet...coming up against walls...remaining...

i hear the tree speak "we have done our best in a world of walls"...ahhhh...wise words tree...

Sunday, April 29, 2012

trusting myself


i opened my heart up today to others and some beautiful people stepped in...what a blessing...it was a great wellness fair...i didnt make alot of money but i certainly made lovely connections...running into folks i havent seen in awhile and some i havent seen in many lifetimes...i felt accepted and comfortable once again...i am finding this feeling in the most interesting places...i think i am simply opening my heart to it now and it is coming to me...and today was a great example of this...it kept a smile on my face all day and i havent had a day like that in awhile...i keep seeing such happy faces and replaying folks stories in my head...what a comfort and a joy to have them all linger with my here in my apartment tonight...

a blossom fell from a tree as i was carrying my things to the car...i picked it up and handed it to my best friend...i felt the tree wink at me and say here...here is a blossom of your own heart...be happy...and pass it on...so i did...with a thank you and a hug to the tree and then to my friend...it is nice to make peace in your own heart...it is nice to let go and make peace...i am doing this...i have peace in my heart tonight...and so much love for all our precious lives...

Saturday, April 28, 2012

blossoms...

 i trust the flowers to be kind...to reach out and offer up a simple love...they are all around as i sit alone in my room...a gentle scent sifts through my open window...they are my comfort and my strength...they do not harm me as humans do...there is no vulgarity or cruelness to their lives...they open fully and yet stay pure and true to themselves...and they teach me to be open and loving and to be kinder...to gentle myself and soften my words...to simply send love and live true to my open heart...they are the angels of the earth...blessing my life and yours...  




kindred

i had such a beautiful experience last evening...was at my shared studio...we were having an open mike...folks came and i was sitting there waiting to read my poetry..felt myself more relaxed than i had been in months around others...it was just a remarkable group of people from different ways and of different ages who came together to share the simple love of song, poetry and stories...i felt a level of trust and openness i have not had with others in such a long time...as if we all knew it was a sacred gathering and a lovingly kind fostering of all our creative desires...

a young man was singing and his voice was changing as he has been transitioning from child to man...it was humbling to witness him stand and sing even as his voice cracked...his love of music bringing him into a state of grace...he literally shined with his passion to sing...

and his mother and father showed their love of music as well...the husband playing guitar as the wife of 20 some years was singing...i delighted in their partnering...i delighted in their happines...

poets stepped up...each with the power of words...turning a room into other places and times...i was enchanted by them...left breathless by their weaving of images...

and when i stood and read my poems i felt safe...i felt supported...i felt held in a sacredness of others kindness...i hadnt read my words aloud to others in years...it was a pleasure...

and the woman i share space with delighted us with three songs...i must say i came to appreciate her even more...i am learning so much from her and as she was singing i could see the mastery of her voice and the clean notes marking each word off well...sisters of mercy was spot on as they all were...i dig that she digs cohen, dylan and mitchell...

i felt more welcomed into this circle than i have felt in other places...and i think it had to do with how open their hearts were and how gentle and good they all were...

as we all sat around telling our stories and getting to know each other someone would start singing some lyrics and we would all join in...it was so sweet and simple to be so open hearted around these good folks...there was no competition...no egos to deal with...just the communion of folks who were gathered together in a lovely old mill room to sing a few tunes and read a few lines...so simple but so profoundly moving...i will not forget it for a long time to come...

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

light


i have been in a  battle for months...suicidal depression...walking the part of my path which is dark and painful and at times so frightening i barely move an inch...but i have stayed in the battle...

everything i could think to do to keep myself going i have done...used every arrow in my quiver...i have worked hard not to completely isolate myself...i have let people know and asked for help...i have reached out...i have used prayer and music and nature to find a victory or at least stay alive until the war has ended...when anyone has offered a drum healing or a book to read or a place that might offer insight i have pushed myself to accept this...i have been my own warrior and shaman...i have been my own parent and daughter...i have looked at my life with honesty and compassion...

i have struck down many thoughts that werent even my own...thoughts put in my mind by others..."i love you but i dont like you"..."i am ashamed of you"...."you are unlovable"...so many awful words coming from my parents growing up and from partners...and yet as i say these words in my mind i realize often they were directed at me but about the one who uttered them...they felt these words first about themselves...

they still hurt me....wounded me...so many of those moments i can be right in again so easily...yet they are not saying them to me now...i say them to myself...so each word is a thorn i pull out of my mind and huge vines are being hacked away...they serve no good purpose...are only there to trap me...stab at me...keep me hurting as i struggle to be free...

so in these days of greater understanding i still am using the spear of my own courage, arrows of truth and the battle ax of forcefulness to give the last strength to this good fight...warring against the words and deeds which tried to keep me from my own happiness...misery does love company and these unhappy people wanted mine...

lately i have struggled to follow instinct and intuition...making myself speak my truth, go out to places and be around others, step up to events and tasks i didnt want to do but knew it would help me...other times i stopped myself from doing things i somehow knew i shouldnt...being alone in prayer and meditation was good...other times i succumbed to wrong actions or behaviors and yet this too was important for me to experience...

this morning the sun reached through my window and into my eyes...i do not move away from its brilliance...instead i let it in...i am done with the darkness and i am ready to let my eyes taste the green more fully...i am ready to experience the soft velvet faces of flowers and press my heart against the life force of trees again...

i am also ready to heal from wounds others and myself have inflicted...for me i have steps to go through....i have a deep wisdom and a well of love...so it is within me to live on and not only survive but thrive...

i appreciate those who have reached out to me and who have allowed me to be around them as i have struggled...this year is turning out to be one i thought was a lost year but it is actually a year of re-discovery...one of uncovering who i started out to be in life and becoming this...

though a fully formed human i let my life become twisted and deformed...living in darkness..getting spindly and weak...now i move towards the light...i begin strengthening...letting go of so much wasteful clutter and simplifying...accepting people as they are and yet putting a stop to the BS they direct my way...embracing the good in them and letting my good meet up with theirs...turning away from others who are false prophets of wrong thinking or wish to shore up a world of wrongness...

i think those of us who walk a path of truth need to stay on it and not be pulled to the path of those who fake their way through things to be with us...integrity needs to be held up and yet not become an ego trip in these times of dysfunctional childish manifestations of ego-centeric people...they create fogs and we walk in to their fogs and become trapped...as soon as you see a fog person shine your light and they will not want to be around you...i find this to be of great value in recovering from this self-inflicted depression...

integrity...courage...wisdom from the higher self...humbling myself...letting others see me as i am in my suffering...compassion and kindness directed towards myself...gentleness...these are the words written on the ribbons of light i place across my heart this morning...

as sunlight streams through the suncatcher in my window rainbows dance across my room...i am called towards this better day...to do good and to feel goodness ripple out across the world i connect with...

namaste...

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Now


Set yourself free from the dogma of this world--
free from the script written by another.
 Set yourself free from new age and religious beliefs
which trap you in endless work towards a better you--
it is more ego worship.
Set yourself free
from anything you call an obligation.


Set yourself free from the word No.

Give only Love.
Receive it fearlessly.
Be a warrior--courage is your spear.

 Learn from the trees.
Live inside the flowers.
Commune with the stars.

You are free. Now what?

Now Happiness.

now what?

intense journey this morning...went instantly into a cave...deep...and their was my shaman guide...she was covered in many layers of animal skin...i asked her what should i do to feel better...she started spraying me with mouthfuls of red clay water...coating me...it was in my eyes and i would wipe it away...i tripped and fell and she kept covering me...and then white...and then she started beating me...i didnt resist...in fact it felt comforting in a way...she slapped me over and over again...i took it...

then she walked away...i sat there alone...i heard talking...as if a group of women were eating a meal...i didnt approach them...i felt like i had to be invited...but i was hungry and so i got up and stood near the edge of the fire they were gathered around...they ignored me and kept eating...they through scraps over their shoulders for the dogs that were in the cave...i was eating scraps..they kept ignoring me...though i know they knew i was there because i would get these annoyed looks at times...so i stepped away from them and went back to the place i was beaten...i built a fire...i sat alone...i heard drumming but had no drum so i patted my legs softly...

a small dog came to me and leaned up against me...she comforted me...i cried and felt some of the tension in my body ease...what should i do kept looping in my head...and then i felt the presence of another...i didnt turn around...a hand resting against my back...a plate of food handed to me...a skin to keep warm...before i could turn around the person was gone...and i wondered why i wasnt invited near their fire...i wondered why i am once again too different...i ate and watched the fire...i fell asleep...

and in my dream i shapeshifted into an owl...a white owl...and i spread my wings and flew away...

what does it mean???...red and white...the two sides of me...the beating was to weaken me so i would seek out help...i asked for help and was rejected...i have been feeding on scraps to survive but want more than scraps...a stranger was kind to me and it gave me hope...but even that went away...alone...i let go...my spirit flew away...

what should i do to feel better...realize i am not going to belong and accept it...let go...in the letting go i will find peace and rest and relief...

Monday, April 23, 2012

sorrow



'The most important things are the hardest to say' -Stephen King

word improv

streaming beaming gleaming words float up...catching on the stars...forget to say forgive me and the vortex will gobble you up....words and all...all the dreams all the schemes all the broken bones you threw this lap dog...they got caught in my throat...raking along...slashing me up...on the way down...down...down...gravity can get you down man...sliding all the way to hell in that pretty yellow basket...yellow yellow yellow is the color of vincents house...yellow is the color of friendhsip...but it was a drag for him...a drag for me and pushing us over the edge...over the edge...the gravity of it getting me down...vincent loved paul big...i love you big...doesnt matter...pay those dues...stop those dreams...no future...no past...now is just one breath lined up after another...no smiles...you took your smiles away...so i got to live in the now...they say i will be happy...these are just growing pains...transitional birth...but it is boring and tedious...i am just doing time...life is a prison and the walls of this apartment are closing in...no writing on the wall to read...all that is born here dies...still born...silent...dreamless....without dreams how can you see...for the world is a dream...without dreams all there is is dark skies...no stars...no stars to anchor to...and you will just float away...like vincent did...like i am...got to get me some new dreams vincent...you keep tossing me signs...i hear you vincent...isnt that ironic...you toss me a handful of stars and i tell you i hear you...i know...i know...it is all making sense vincent...the dance of healing...the sky of stars...the silence...the wounded warrior...the words...the lack of words...the punishment for simply being an artist in a world so brutish and childish at times it scratches along the mind like fingernails on the chalkboard...but i see it vincent...in the stars...i see it...the message...i know vincent...i know...i will pay close attention...take that rope and tie it off to the stars...so i dont float away...just looking for some hope vincent...hope gravity doesnt get me down vincent...i get it i get vincent...i get it...

Sunday, April 22, 2012

My Dark Storm



Night comes in the screams of a reckless wind--

Gasping over the land, shouting at my door, calling my soul out.


The reeds lining the cove groan and snatch at the air.

Like lashing sails, the waves tear free and smash against the rocks.


The wind tosses a broken bird caught in the cold breath of darkness.

Its body collapses--a feather breaks free to finish the journey home.


No light--only the emptiness of God and the righteous army of angels.

No light--nor does it seem there will ever be a sun again.



My mind frames the memory of my great-granny standing in a storm--

Swallowing the wind, eyes filled with rain water, laughing at the sky.


I will endure my storm. I will stand in my wildness. I will survive this night.

Thank You, Good Morning

Am I there yet?

I do feel close.

Near the place

Within myself

Where I know

You stand with me.


Am I afraid?

Not this morning.

The darkness weaker

And you, your Light,

Your good ways,

Clearing space for me

To stand here strong.


Am I there yet?

Close. The golden days

Are just ahead.

the song of my heart

my mind holds no answers...my soul does...

my soul tells me to hold on...be quiet...listen closely...there is a song out of reach but it will find its way...it grows closer every day...the string of notes will wrap around my heart...healing all the broken parts...the song will ease the pain so far away from me i will not know the ache ever again....

this song...the song...is the song i have been waiting for all my life...and it is coming...my heart stays open to it even as i struggle...

Friday, April 20, 2012

weighed down

eyes feel like sunken ships...blurring...grubby bits of memories come up in the murky greyness...a hand reaching to my face gently...a soft curve of ear...the sound of a sigh...

i push it all away now...it is too much to remember...i sink lower...i cant let myself think those thoughts any more...

i was going to be happy for the rest of my days...my heart roared from its cage...

i cant think of those days any more...yet they swim back up to me...move close and haunt my body...push against my skin...the scent...your scent...it was the scent of happiness...now it is the scent of sorrow...

there has to be something more to life than this sinking feeling...

sun sun sun here it comes...

tribal beat in my head this morning...tapped the table top because my drum is dead...hope to make enough $$$ to buy a flat deerskin drum soon...but anything gives off sound if you play your life in tune...and i am working on this...fake it til i make is not a good plan...i collapsed like a house of sand...now i am rebuilding my life with canvases and paints...music and solitude...now and then flying out the door to touch wings with the flock...got my tree house to spring clean and then art to conjure from soul to hands...and when i am suppose to the universe will help me out with a new drum...gotta trust...nirvana or bust...

Thursday, April 19, 2012

sublime

one young swan asks "mother will we ever be as lovely as you?"...she turns and looks from her reflection in the water to theirs...she says "beauty comes from within...you are my beautiful children today and always"...and with this they all glided across the lake with dignity and grace...seeing themselves beautiful in the reflection of their mothers eyes...

letting go...

another nearly sleepless night...radical moments are happening to me lately...intense conversations, miscommunication, irritations, unhappy realizations, collapses and the letting go of so very much...i have whittled myself down to the basics...and all that is left is a negative hum that stays...a bitterness without a single taste of sweet to it...i need to experience this?

i look around me and there is just no meaning to many things that use to be important to me...the hopes and wishes i once would cling to are dead...and in their place is so very little...narrow walls with very little art on them really...and paintings piled up in my fingertips...

it is spring and i need rebirth...but all i experience are painful contractions...so much has happened in the last few years...so much sorrow...it piles up and i keep laser beaming prayer and light onto it...and let tears cleanse it...but it grows back...and stronger...my rational mind is tired of it...

the word tedious keeps coming to me...

i have let go of false beliefs, unhealthy behaviors, wasteful ways...what is there to fill me up?...i am still in essence me...the me not living in this world very well...

there is so much of the world so brutish and childish and it gets to me...i am tired of the world...i go into nature and feel like it makes sense...then look down and see one more cigarette butt resting on a beautiful carpet of moss...

i need something but i dont know what...i journey and have insight and yet i have this thing that hides...this knowing i am not ready to know...i am told to be patient...to wait...as if there is a train to catch to someplace but i dont know where the station is or what time it boards or where it will take me...but i wait...and i wait...i know timing is everything...but could it please come soon...could i just have the ticket...i will show up...i will get on...i will take whatever lesson waits for me...but could it be soon?

and as i type this i hear the little thought in my head...let go...let go...let go...like the distant sound of a train...

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

yawn...i am bored with myself

i feel as if i have paintings crowded in my fingertips tonight...but i have no energy to paint...i even napped today...well i wouldnt call it napping...i went unconscious for 3 hours...sitting and reading and then poof...nothingness...how wonderful that was...until the usual bad dream comes and pokes me awake with an adrenaline rush...

i feel like so much lately keeps smashing up against me...i feel as if i have been in a slow train wreck...high centered on a track...and here comes the train...slowly climbing over me and grinding me to bits...and then the train is gone...my mangled mess there...vultures circle...a cartoon caption reads: Rest In Pieces with a smiley face exclamation point...

i get the humor of all of it...the silly waste of twisting in the breeze as days and months go by...i tell myself you know what to do and not do...you know what breaks your heart and feeds your spirit...you know what is important and not...you know what trips you up...you know it and yet you keep stepping right back into bull pies!

tedious...simply tedious...but funny in a cartoon violence kinda way...over and over hurting myself with the same old patterns...yep tedious...

but night is here...the simple blanket of comfort is the darkness for me...i long for more stars in the sky but those nights will come again...i climb into my nest and let my mind drift like sand across an empty beach...moon and ocean dancing together...and i am the sand dancing with the wind...

perhaps i will dream of paintings tonight...perhaps in my dream i will paint my smiling muse and it will give me peace...

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

wings in the clouds...

quiet words whisper across the water...a faint ripple...a soft fade...sky of blackening blue...sky of stars pushing through the wide yawn of infinity...

i shift my weight and spread my wings...i fly from this place...another hard day tucked away...here is the night...my home...

nearly caught up in tangled branches...feeling the breath of spring blossoms against my neck...letting go of all i did believe in...i fly away...

no pain in these fold of hours...no suffering...no harm...just the trembling lights and the bit of moon shining to guide me home...

a promise of better days wait out of reach...i fly away...

and in the field below the mouse kneels to pray to her holy ghost...someone has to still believe even if i have lost my faith tonight...she prays and tucks herself into her nest...a tight fisted little body of fear now at rest... while i let go of more and more...emptied out of prayers...flooded with regrets...i fly to a loving home...

a last time i circle back and dip down fast...drag my wings over the steady gaze of the lake...swoop back up and twist around...final respects paid before i fly away...


~~~~~~~~




grey morning

grey and green are in a battle within me and around me lately...the green of spring around me...the world of grey within...my journey sessions filled with fog and greys and darkness now...the last couple of days especially...a struggle to even journey...which i rarely experience...tomorrow i am giving myself a quiet day to do mundane chores and let my mind rest...

i went to journey group last night and my mind wouldnt quiet itself all night...i finally gave up at 4 this morning and got up...continuing a journey from last night...

part 1 of the journey...drawing two cards from a shaman deck i got dancer of promise and dancer of joy....and so i journeyed on them...i was in a cave...my shaman guide was there...a fire's light dancing on the walls around me...i was angry but couldnt place the anger to any one event...she asked me what i was going to do with all this anger...i told her i wanted to stop feeling...she handed me a knife...i cut my hands with them...then i smeared the walls with my own blood...i was exhausted from the expenditure of emotions...i was sobbing...she came and held me but i shrugged her off...i couldnt stand the touch...the closeness too much...i got up and ran towards the fire...i leaped into it and was burning up...gone...into greyness...then back into the cave...shaman told me to look at the wall...i had drawn a huge tree of life...i wept in mourning of my own life and went into the tree...

part 2 of journey this morning...i was in the tree...high up...i heard fire all around me...the woods were on fire...the tree itself began to burn...but i was dead already and the fire didnt harm me further...the tree burned up...all around me was the standing remains of burned up trees...the tree of life stood taller than all others...rains came and flooded the land...washing away debris...the sun reappeared...blasting the earth with warmth and light...the ground began cracking in places...then it happened...thousands of seeds were born...green was reaching up...the trees shook and the black crust of burned "flesh" fell away...trees were greening...small fists of green leaves unfurled and opened up...the tree of life blossomed with soft and fragrant pale pink flowers...birds came and built nests...i was still in the tree...a large nest appeared and i got into it...slept...woke...reached out to the fruit that had been born from the blossoms...ate my fill of it...i was not happy or sad or angry...i was...well i was blank...as if i too was newly formed...


~*~

these days i live now are very difficult...i cant say it is the struggle to earn a living in an economy still tanking...i cant say i am uninspired because my curiosity is still there to understand and to learn...i think it is boredom...sounds odd but i think it is a level of tedious same old same old...i feel like i am bored by my own struggles and by others patterns...so many people seem so stuck...in the same old patterns and tedious reactions to things...maybe this is what it is...and it isnt that i am angry...it is...???... i am impatient...i know time is running out...the trees are on fire and no one wants to know it...the earth is being destroyed and yet everyone is still consuming like there is no end to it all...mountains of plastic and garbage...waste...gluttony...and i am sad for it all...is humanity even worth saving...no...i feel like we are not worthy of the beauty we are destroying and i want to feel differently...i want to be able to say yes...i want to feel hopeful for my own life and others...but everyone is so unhappy and dysfunctional and destroying the world...and i am too...i am polluted by this world too...we are feasting on all the wrong things while starving to death...

i am burned up and tired...so very tired...i sit in the tree and rest...will the green stay or just fade again and again...i am tired of the cycle of grey to green to grey to green...i need it to remain green...and so this is my next journey...what must i do to remain in the greenness and let go of the grey? and where do i find the fruit to nourish me?

Saturday, April 14, 2012

the super natural world


wild wisteria climbing high...

if i live to be 100 i will never get tired of sticking my nose into flowers...kissing roses...hugging trees...wading through streams...digging toes into sand...standing in a rainstorm...moon bathing...saying my prayers alongside the mourning doves...shape shifting and flying with the owls into the starry night sky...letting an inchworm measure my hand...there are many things i am tired of in the UNnatural world...but the natural world always captures my affections and holds me close...






Friday, April 13, 2012

a walk among the violets


when i walk among flowers i feel i am walking closer to my creator...i feel peaceful...i feel ageless...i feel a floating sensation...as if i am no longer weighed down by a body...i am simply moving along in spirit...

Thursday, April 12, 2012

journey into the green


 

back to rhode island soon...a new and greener path found...actually rediscovered...yet today i felt a thread of anxiety in returning...and i have never felt that before...in all these years of coming and going...i have always looked forward to my returns...but this time a weight sat on my chest...a low humming vibration of dread...so i journeyed to it...

i was in the mossy rich woods of maine...near machias maine....the earth beneath my bare feet...thick fog all around...a fog horn in the distance...the sound of waves gurgling over stones...i fell to the ground and covered myself with dirt...waiting for a guide...

nature breathed into me...a damp green breath filled my lungs...owl swooped down...i was again surrounded by women...i felt uneasy...i was not open...i wanted to leave but pushed myself to stay...

they built a fire and sat talking...not speaking to me...i felt invisible though i know they could see me...and so i got up and walked away...walked to a cliff overlooking the ocean...sat down...one of the women came to me cloaked...a mystic...she burned incense and used a singing bowl...her hands were painted green...light blasted from her heart...i couldnt see her face but didnt need to....i trusted her...she sat with me...my guide...

the moon came and many stars...the cloaked woman glowed with silvery light...she was a swirl of starlight...she told me i needed to finish doing the work...going forward...keep moving forward she said...and then she pushed me off the cliff and into darkness...i fell for a long time...and then was swallowed by the rainbow serpent...it was time to let go of more...not detach but just let go...and as i did i felt freer...i felt light coming...green around me...the green growing more and more until i was all bathed in green...and the sun shined brightly...and i felt safe...

 




grace


before she was born the bluet prayed
"please let me inspire
 someone with my short little life"...
and i must say i am inspired
 by this little one before she has even
 shown her face to the world... 

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

the quest is done...

when life seems to have no meaning...when all your hopes and dreams lose their shine...when you fall to your knees and tears could drown you...when all could be lost...a spark of revelation comes...be ready...be open to receive it...this covenant you made long ago...surrender to the light of your higher being...be reborn...then will begin the best years of your life...


~*~

i was born with a plan...i think we all are...mine was drawn up when i was in spirit ...spirited/angelic beings assisted me in coming up with this plan...a grace-filled path for this lifetime...a journey worthy of my spirit...we all have done this...do you really think it is on a wing and a prayer after all?...

with a toothless grin and a stellar plan i entered this world...i came with noble intentions...i was here to follow my bliss...

but like many of us the plan got lost in the confusion around me...a fog was created by unhappy adults who themselves had forgotten their stellar plans...their covenants with creation...they had lost their way and became fogwalkers...

but i had fragments of the plan stored in places...my higher self dropped them like bread crumbs so i could come back to where i lost my way...we all do this...when we lose our way...some of us find the fragments and some of us never remember to look...

my fragments were kept safe and most near the surface...in the shimmering prism of color on a fish scale a sentence was written...many lines were found in the song of a tree i once heard singing in her last days...a bit was riding on the back of a squirrel this winter...a flower gave up some of my plan as she laughed wildly during a wind storm...a friend gifted me with a glowing ember of words in an email...a word was caught in the glimpse of my nieces smile...a slant of light across my arm illuminated an entire paragraph...i saw words in my tears held in the chalice of my eye...holding the bow of my deceased brother yesterday roared loudly the greatest and most powerful string of words...

now i have my plan...bits and pieces...like a crazy quilt all patched back together...i am stitching it tightly...i am holding on to it...no more fog from myself or others will ever keep me from my life again...and i am promising to never create fog for another as well...

how did i get to this place?...to this redemption?...i have come to the altar again and again...called by spirit to come and humble myself...but this time i came to the altar broken and suffering and lost...i was devoured by the mess of this world...suffering in the middle of a crowd of fogwalkers for a long time...myself a fogwalker...lost...yet i held on to the spark of knowing it could be different...my suffering could end...

i was at the last steps of a quest and ready to give up...that moment when the hero is face to face with the worst beastie of evil and is so disheartened and fatigued...the moment when everything falls away...the moment of sink or swim...leap off the cliff or be eaten by the lion...fight the devil or become one...climb higher up the erupting volcano or be swallowed by the molten lava spilling over on all sides...those last few moments when you dont even want to live on but you push on any way...the hero feels all hope is lost...and then...and then...

i was handed a bow and arrows by an unlikely character in this quest...and there was renewed strength...a miraculous rallying...a divine intervention transforms the seeker of her own plan into a warrior again...

a tall flower of knowing above the crown of my head opened up...where the weave of all knowing occurs...the light came streaming in as i held that bow...images and symbols poured into me...i was surrounded by green newness...i was bathed in peace..i heard the movement of wings above me...i saw my nephew smiling before me...i knew...this was so very important...this moment...

i was just standing there...after the long great battle to live...i set an arrow in its perch and pulled back the string of the bow i hadnt touched in twenty two years...but i didnt need to shoot a single arrow to end the war within me...i didnt have to die to myself...i didnt have to detach...i didnt have to pay a debt or any other thing i thought i had to do...

what i had to do was fully connect...not the new age chant of detach detach detach...i needed to do the opposite...for me...the healing was in feeling...and connecting to all my feelings...waking up to my own life...to the life i own...my birthright...my covenant with my creator...the plan...

healing was not in the big moment of holding the bow...healing has been in the quest...you choose your trusted companions/teachers or you go it alone...you have tasks to complete...you stay open to whatever comes...you face your battles...you improvise at times...you run towards your fears...you find your weapons on the fly...you dodge traps and trickery...you stay clear of trolls and when you have to you hide...but you keep on with the quest...and at each milestone and crossroad you pick up a bit of your own victory...until at the end you see the victory was a collection of moments...it is a simple thing when it all makes sense...when it all fits...like holding a bow and arrows and coming back to yourself...you remember the laughter of your youth...the adventures...the dreams when they were first born in your heart...and you remember how pure love was...how much you loved your brothers...how much you loved a tree...how much you loved yourself...and then you remember the plan and where you left off...and how to start back up where you left off...now that your covenant is recovered...patched together...read...

so here is what i started to know with my reawakening...what the plan was for me...very simple really...

to love...to be joyous...to touch the earth and teach others to touch it...to be kind and compassionate...to tell stories...to have land and share it...i was on the path...from the beginning...learning on my aunts land...hiking the woods and walking up the dirt roads of west virginia...but then the fog came...but now...i read on...

this plan is so well laid out...so full of laughter and joy...so generous...and filled with grace...gentle...soft in so many places...in others flowering fields full of songs sway to a slow dance of day and a sky of smiling stars come to me at night...my full moon lover dips her face into my ocean of happiness...

here is more...to write...to paint...to reach out and blast the fog away with my light...to pray...to build fires...to feast...to savor...to become a happy bee drunk on nectar...

i have my plan...i begin again...reborn...


~*~



"I must be myself....I will so trust that what is deep is holy, that I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever only rejoices me, and the heart appoints."~Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Self Reliance”

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

no more words left...

i set myself free in all directions...a sea of broken facades...a wasteland of BS...what a joke all of it became...knowing i dont fit in the places i thought i did...not seeing one place where i do...writing a book i thought would have a rose colored glasses ending...but it ends as it began...in a dream...this is life...we walk from one dream into another...those of us that dream more than live...

i stood there today seeing my mom as just a dream...soon to be gone...she was in a room and soon will not be...passing with only a handful of people remembering her and then they will pass and all traces of her are gone...and such is my life as well...and many of our lives...all back to stardust...and light...

today was not a good day...and yet i learned...to use no more words...they are useless...they are never heard...and to use no words i am set free...because in the grand scheme of things...


i am already a dream...

~♥~

You are searching the world for treasure,
but the real treasure is yourself.~ Rumi






“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh

























Sunday, April 1, 2012

what i found today



dont be afraid...it may look huge but this is an eastern worm snake...it was thinner than a drinking straw and only about 8 inches long...i loved how it wrapped around this twig and let me visit with it for a few minutes today..pink belly was so cool looking...



jasmine


jasmine blooming
in my heart
crowding out the fear
i was addicted to


i realized the small flowers in my healing journey the other day were jasmine blossoms...i let this sink in today..the scent came rushing back...then the memory of jasmine when it first came into my life...a small bouquet held out to me on a warm spring day...their reappearance...their company in my apartment when it was hard to adjust to the space...in a quiet night alone there struggling...the scent pulled me to the flowers and i simply sat with them...looking at the dance of the vines...the reaching up of the green...towards the window's promise of light...yet only seeing the prayer flags hanging before them and the darkness of night beyond...


jasmine flowers in my journey...flowers of love...telling me love is ever blooming...is pure and perfect and always growing towards me...i am the sun of the flowers of loving thoughts...



~*~