Thursday, April 19, 2012

letting go...

another nearly sleepless night...radical moments are happening to me lately...intense conversations, miscommunication, irritations, unhappy realizations, collapses and the letting go of so very much...i have whittled myself down to the basics...and all that is left is a negative hum that stays...a bitterness without a single taste of sweet to it...i need to experience this?

i look around me and there is just no meaning to many things that use to be important to me...the hopes and wishes i once would cling to are dead...and in their place is so very little...narrow walls with very little art on them really...and paintings piled up in my fingertips...

it is spring and i need rebirth...but all i experience are painful contractions...so much has happened in the last few years...so much sorrow...it piles up and i keep laser beaming prayer and light onto it...and let tears cleanse it...but it grows back...and stronger...my rational mind is tired of it...

the word tedious keeps coming to me...

i have let go of false beliefs, unhealthy behaviors, wasteful ways...what is there to fill me up?...i am still in essence me...the me not living in this world very well...

there is so much of the world so brutish and childish and it gets to me...i am tired of the world...i go into nature and feel like it makes sense...then look down and see one more cigarette butt resting on a beautiful carpet of moss...

i need something but i dont know what...i journey and have insight and yet i have this thing that hides...this knowing i am not ready to know...i am told to be patient...to wait...as if there is a train to catch to someplace but i dont know where the station is or what time it boards or where it will take me...but i wait...and i wait...i know timing is everything...but could it please come soon...could i just have the ticket...i will show up...i will get on...i will take whatever lesson waits for me...but could it be soon?

and as i type this i hear the little thought in my head...let go...let go...let go...like the distant sound of a train...

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