Sunday, March 23, 2014

just more words...

the pen is my mighty sword...as shallow words march across the page i strike them down...

cold hard words come forward...i build a fire for them and let them warm up...they burn across the sky of my heart like a raging sunset fighting the goodbye of a perfect day...

i write to save my life...

i sometimes cry out my words so loudly the pen breaks under the weight of the burden...ink bleeding into my skin as i try to stop the hemorrhaging...

sometimes the words are so delicate...held out to you shyly...eager for you to read and also fearful you will ignore them again...so i put your name in the gentle curve of my most vulnerable words...i know you have picked through my journal before and stop to read a passage if you see your name...so i write about the first time i kissed you and tenderly surrender your name again and again in these lines of missing your lips...

your name drifts across my mind and onto the page...like jasmine blossoms pulsing their sweet perfume across the room...

your name is like a kiss left in the palm of my hand...

your name sits within a poem just so you will read those promises of forever and always...

but here it is...another journal full...too heavy to lift these dense words of loss...

words covered in dark clouds of tearful pain...words flowing slowly like a dying summer brook over mossy stones...words brittle and easily snapped in two...words falling off the page like a broken down actor...drunk and forgotten...words begging for attention...sitting alone...sobbing...gasping for air...

i pour out my words to you but you are lost to me now...my words do not attract you...i flip through this journal and let it slip into the bonfire...ending all these words with ho'oponopono...i am sorry, please forgive me, thank you, i love you...


Saturday, March 22, 2014

seeking clarity...

i gave up on the day i planned and went to sit by the water...i wanted to lean myself against the great puddingstone at a beach here in rhode island and whisper into it all my sudden sadness...and i did...letting the cold sink into me...letting my inner warmth rise up...letting go...shedding tears...giving way to the place in me that aches sometimes...letting the ocean reach in...the rawness of resurfaced grief stinging but i am grateful...always grateful...

asking for help...asking for a clearer understanding...

the puddingstone said "go to your wound...that is where purpose is found"...and so i did...feeling the losses...missing my friends and family that have gone on...for a moment standing in the in between place where some of them stand...feeling their love make its way to me...feeling the sacredness of it...letting my human heart rise up to be touched by the divine...

then i turned to look out at the water...waves chomping on each other...roaring to shore...and in my minds eye i saw it...out a ways but close in my mind...the spirit of a whale and the spirit of a man tangled up in a line together...and the whale spirit came closer...i understood...the man died in struggle and fear...he didnt know he was dead...the whale spirit stayed with the man until the trapped whaler could be set free from his confusion...

it was so much to know...so much to take in...this beautiful whale spirit staying with the man who had tried to kill it...staying for over two hundred linear years...

so i went about doing psychopomp work...calling in my psychopomp guide to help the man gain awareness of his own death and find peace...slowly the man stopped fighting the guides help...i spoke to the man...watched the man let go...ropes vanishing...whale spirit free of its commitment as well...i watched the light come on the horizon...it was...as always...so calm and grace-filled...i felt the whale's gratitude...its beautiful spirit going into the light and then the man followed...

as quickly as the whale came to me they both were gone...and i stood there leaning against the stone...awestruck at what had just happened...

this is my life...this is what i am...this is how i am...alone so much of the time...doing this work...a kind of hospice worker for the dead i suppose...

i gave myself a few more minutes against the cold stone...breathing...clearing my mind of thoughts...empty...i was the ocean and wind and sun and stone and sand for a moment...then i was more...the seagull, the couple bundled up and walking briskly...expanding...to the towns and cities and countries...expanding to be everything...until everything was a solid hum...infinite...whole...perfect...

i am filled with gratitude...and so much love...was going to do a water blessing today for world water day...instead my heart was blessed by the ocean...

feeling myself inside the consciousness of the beloved unseen who is happy for my happiness...