seeking clarity...

i gave up on the day i planned and went to sit by the water...i wanted to lean myself against the great puddingstone at a beach here in rhode island and whisper into it all my sudden sadness...and i did...letting the cold sink into me...letting my inner warmth rise up...letting go...shedding tears...giving way to the place in me that aches sometimes...letting the ocean reach in...the rawness of resurfaced grief stinging but i am grateful...always grateful...

asking for help...asking for a clearer understanding...

the puddingstone said "go to your wound...that is where purpose is found"...and so i did...feeling the losses...missing my friends and family that have gone on...for a moment standing in the in between place where some of them stand...feeling their love make its way to me...feeling the sacredness of it...letting my human heart rise up to be touched by the divine...

then i turned to look out at the water...waves chomping on each other...roaring to shore...and in my minds eye i saw it...out a ways but close in my mind...the spirit of a whale and the spirit of a man tangled up in a line together...and the whale spirit came closer...i understood...the man died in struggle and fear...he didnt know he was dead...the whale spirit stayed with the man until the trapped whaler could be set free from his confusion...

it was so much to know...so much to take in...this beautiful whale spirit staying with the man who had tried to kill it...staying for over two hundred linear years...

so i went about doing psychopomp work...calling in my psychopomp guide to help the man gain awareness of his own death and find peace...slowly the man stopped fighting the guides help...i spoke to the man...watched the man let go...ropes vanishing...whale spirit free of its commitment as well...i watched the light come on the horizon...it was...as always...so calm and grace-filled...i felt the whale's gratitude...its beautiful spirit going into the light and then the man followed...

as quickly as the whale came to me they both were gone...and i stood there leaning against the stone...awestruck at what had just happened...

this is my life...this is what i am...this is how i am...alone so much of the time...doing this work...a kind of hospice worker for the dead i suppose...

i gave myself a few more minutes against the cold stone...breathing...clearing my mind of thoughts...empty...i was the ocean and wind and sun and stone and sand for a moment...then i was more...the seagull, the couple bundled up and walking briskly...expanding...to the towns and cities and countries...expanding to be everything...until everything was a solid hum...infinite...whole...perfect...

i am filled with gratitude...and so much love...was going to do a water blessing today for world water day...instead my heart was blessed by the ocean...

feeling myself inside the consciousness of the beloved unseen who is happy for my happiness...