journey of a lifetime

well i did a deep prayer of gratitude and an opening heart meditation this morning...a great lead in to my morning journey...an open journey...just asking to receive what i need to know...i was so relaxed and open...in my mind i was sitting on a deck by the ocean...breeze...sunset...the rhythmic lift and fall of waves...i used the waves as a sonic driver to get me into the journey...

in my journey i began by walking into the ocean...shapeshifting into a dolphin...swimming with others...

when i was far from the land i went down and into an opening in the ocean floor...dolphin body was left behind...climbing into a vein of lava...going in all directions...my energy spreading out into every volcanic place on earth...filling the ring of fire...i felt this energy...the power of the flow and the pressure...i have felt this in my own body at times...it was important for me to experience this now...today...to understand the build up in me and others...i have a feeling folks may be experiencing this edginess more...

as a child i was very sensitive to this energy in adults...i still am...in fact i catch onto the undercurrents of others alot...it isnt surprising the journey reminded me of the "undercurrent" of the earth this morning... i have been dealing with the same energy in people all year...a hidden build up of energy...

but unlike the earth...which finds a way to shift and release the energy many humans tap it down and seek to hide it...this energy then must be contained with great effort or vented and released...and when it is vented it can be released in passive aggressive ways, through an outburst, or in gossipy ranting to a friend...i certainly have vented in all these ways and i have seen others...it is not unusual but i know it isnt productive....

as i travelled the veins i came to realize if the natural flow of heat, fire, lava, gases makes its way in a methodical and productive way....there is an opening and the energy flows...the tectonic plates shift...energy is released...an earthquake...a volcano explodes...it happens...and so does frustrations, anger, fear, anxiety...

these strong emotions move through me and seeks a way to be released...to find an efficient release is what i need to do...rather than let it implode or explode...or see it become unwellness in me as it settles in to the core of my belly....

this energy builds for a reason....if i can prevent the build up or use the build up in a constructive way rather than allow it to do damage to myself then i am well....if not i am heart sick...unwell...

so this part of the journey i will return to in another with a guide and ask more questions...

i "recollected" myself and came up to a very lush place...a waterfall cascading from a steep incline....huge ferns along both sides from top to bottom...i was standing in a dark pool...in my human form again...i looked around for a guide...a brightly colored bird flew to me...its long tail skimming across the water....it landed on a branch overreaching the pool...

she was there to keep me calm as the pool began showing me things i needed to look at...the pool showed me others unkindly gossiping about me and judging me...the pool showed memories of me being treated poorly...suffering began to rise up in me...i was taking in the harshness of others...i was accepting who they needed to see me as...i was accepting their interpretation of me...i was beating myself up with their positioning of their opinions to gain power over me...and i watched myself in the pool....i was accepting their unkindness into me...it was easy to accept when i already felt this way about myself....they easily slipped these daggers of unkindness in...and when i wanted to stand up for myself i backed down...or i would try to take all the responsibility for something...

the pool kept going back in time...and i saw even as a young girl i took on so much from others...trying to make things ok even at the expensive of my own well being...

then the pool leaped forward to the last few years...all the sarifices and the giving up of my dreams...to get love and acceptance from others....watching the cost pile up...imploding...self loathing at my weakness....giving up all of me for crumbs of love and acceptance....while at the same time realizing i wasnt respected and would never be accepted as i was...the pool showed me giving up....

it showed the hardships of the past three years...it showed the brokenness...it showed the moments i was so unhappy i hid out from the world...and it also showed how others tried to help...it showed my own struggle to get back up...it showed tender moments that gave me the courage to go on...i saw myself making mistakes and having great regrets...i saw angry actions that pushed me back down...i saw myself take it all on...take it all in...even things that werent mine to take...

and at the end of the pools teachings were faces...and i saw into them...understanding...some who like me and some who dont...some who dont like themselves and see in me the parts of themselves they dont like...i see their flaws and their transcending perfection...and the last face was mine...and in this face i saw a child who was wounded and she rose up from the water and took my hand...

she was such a good kid...everyone liked her...she worked hard...was obedient...she sacrificed herself for the adults and children around her...she saw suffering at an early age...her own and others...she was surrounded by messed up adults...she learned from their missteps...she did her best...i watched this child turn into a teenager...i watched the brokenness set in for the long haul...i saw her quiet and alone...out in nature...her only real home...i saw her crying...i felt her wounding...i felt her love...she was a good kid...helping take care of her granndparents...going to her aunts to help out...always working...

and then i watched the teenager standing before me change and grow...all her adult life doing her best...working hard...rejections...jobs she couldnt work hard enough in and would burn out...70 hour work weeks that made her stumble through her life...the work load endless...nonprofit hell...but it kept her avoiding life...numbing out...

and then i saw this young woman age...catch up to my age...until i was standing face to face with myself...it was so real...i reached out...i took myself in my arms...it was so moving...imagine embracing yourself in a physical way....

i stepped back from myself and looked again...it is different than from looking in a pool of water or a mirror....here was a breathing being who was me...and in a flood of emotions i felt the love...the love from the other me...i felt the gratitude for being me...i felt the preciousness of being in this life...

and then there was this remarkable reminder....as i stood there this other me shapeshifted into all those people i have ever wronged and who have wronged me...and as they did they each said a single chant...

I'm sorry.

Please  forgive me.                                                                                     

Thank you.

I love you.

i know these words...they are ho'oponopono words...beautiful...simple...profound...

 

these words sunk into me and i said them back to each person...each with great emotion...deep understanding...some people this released in me bigger waves of forgiveness...some folks i had forgiven long ago...and i had been forgiven by...

 

a very emotional and sacred time spent in this journey...and when it was done the being became me again...and this other me spoke to me and i to her...the exchange was very affirming...i was shown some things i need to do...a very constructive to do list for sure...the next months will be focused and interesting...i also was able to speak about my trust issues...and she showed me who i can trust...who stands in integrity and is not "heart sick" and who is strong and will be healthy for me to be around...my other self gave me some deep insight into my own conduct and actions and others...she gave me a way to discern...to be approachable to all yet with the wise understanding of my own good instincts and clear vision...

 

lastly she did a beautiful thing with me...she took me into the water and bathed me...washing my hair...caring for me...mothering me...showing me how to mother myself...

 

it was a very peaceful end to the journey...returning through the earth...reforming...swimming as a dolphin again...coming back to reality...but with the teachings expanding in me...

~~~*~~~

 

 

the teaching continues to expand...more insights...more understanding...and in me rises aloha...a grace-filled word of deep meaning...so i send aloha to you...
 

 

a mindful life

"Examine thus yourself from every side.
Note harmful thoughts and every futile striving.
Thus it is that heroes in the bodhisattva path
Apply the remedies to keep a steady mind."

                                              ~~Shantideva

 

 

i do...from every slant and angle...from every dark cloud of thought and every inch of unkindness which wants to grow in my mind...i run towards my fears and seek to remove selfish reactionary desires and actions...i will not let my mind be devoured by wrongfulness...i will not stop until suffering is completely removed...i will not give my ego rule...i am on a path...i will not step from this path...i will not defeat my best self...

 

owl

owls are blowing my mind...they are everywhere...i keep seeing owls just like i kept seeing so many dragonflies...the owls are really speaking to me...someone showing an injured one (an eye damaged)...how she looked at me was as if she got inside me and flew around...chasing away all the field mice of doubts...wicked cool...

and another sitting near a dumpster behind a business...it was surreal...i was taking a long walk to clear my head and there it was looking off and then to me...i walked within five feet of it...i could have touched it but didnt...i just stood with it and asked it questions...it gave me such comfort...such a deep affirmation of my path...i was so grateful...

 

i knew the time between my birthday and winter solstice was going to be full of wisdom...the last push into a different mindful way...but....i had no idea i would have the intense challenges and the teachings i am finding in my path...i want them...i am eager for them...i run towards my fears...i accept the lessons...even the harsh ones...i want to get through to the other side....i am grateful...

i know more is coming and i am already thankful...i am strong...brave...willing to understand and learn...willing to open my heart more and more...willing to end suffering...

the owls are with me...helping me see...helping me swoop in for what will feed my spirit...it is an amazing time to heal and re-create my life...

growing greener...

the last of the calendar year going by...a year of great personal change...living alone for the first time in decades...re-learning some life skills and growing in different ways...learning how to trust myself/others/life again and how to open up...taking it on the chin a few times and still loving myself through it the best i know how...

i conquered the depression and suicidal feelings after many years of having it pop up...it was a big entity to remove from my being but i did it and honor my spirit and the unseen for loving me through it...

i let myself mourn a few things this year....i let myself touch upon those tender wounded places of loss and gave myself time to grieve and cry tears of healing...in those sorrow filled places love now is anchored and when memories of loss come up in my mind love steps in to soothe the sorrow...

i have had beautiful moments of support in nature...many...nature is my temple...where i can most easily and most humbly meet my creator...each tree standing is a hope-filled affirmation of life itself...they are my brothers and sisters who know me intimately...and love me without judgement or punishment...they embrace me and give me peace...

i am grateful for a dragonfly and an owl which came into my life with such timing i can only believe god/the unseen had a hand in it...what lessons they continue to teach me!...both use the eyes to see all sides and far and near with such clarity....they taught me to see clearly and also to be precise in my actions as both navigate the world with great skill....this part i have had to work on...choosing words with more care...making decisions without procrastination but not in a reactionary way as well...i am eveolving out of old patterns and becoming more like the owl and dragonfly...

i have had to really deal with the hurts plagueing my heart this year...the struggle of interacting with folks after years of self imposed isolation has become too much at times...yet i was getting back into my skin this year and was catching the rhythm of my own silly slants of humor and whimsy...i was getting to express myself to others again...to speak out loud when for so many years i was silent...to voice opinions...to be myself...it was a personal revolution really...when you step out of the shadows and stand in the world again it takes a greater level of courage...to be this vulnerable and open...to risk my heart...to let people see me...it has been a challenge...but i have done it and refuse to let myself run back into the shadows...even though sometimes it hurts so much it is all i want to do...i wont...

i had hoped folks would understand the unique struggle of this year...some have been patient and compassionate...some unkind and hurtful...i thank them all...each gave me insight...though the ones who gave their kindness have fed my spirit and gave me hope...the others made me retreat and doubt myself...yet it was in this moment i found the love of the unseen holding me as i cried...and i found the courage in myself to let in love and give out love and forgiveness...i marvel at this person called Colleen...she is a treasure to the spirit within her that is eternal...and to know atlast that both are the same is beautiful...

and in risking and reaching out...in letting folks see me i did get rejected at times which hurt...and i was shocked more than once at the unkindness and harshness of the rejection...there is so little patience i have realized...it seems so little empathy in seeing what another goes through to re-enter the world...folks stay in their comfort zone and protect their hearts...i accept this but i wish i had been worth it to them...and i feel sadness for them in how they react....they must have a core of vulnerability they fiercly and fearfully guard...how sad...for them to cling...to let ego rule them...i know this struggle...but i have spent the year denying ego control...i have spent a year learning to let the unseen guide me and my spirit to lead...what a beautiful thing to give to myself and to the world...

i am worth it...all this self work and love....love from others and from myself...i see myself as flawed but also i am seeing myself in a very good way...

i see my faith and my love as deep and beautiful...i see my tender heart and how i do right more than wrong...i feel my uncomfortableness when i do wrong...it is good to feel so i dont keep doing wrong...i respect myself and am not cheapening myself or devaluing myself...i love that i give people countless chances and honor the being behind the human...and love the human with compassion even as my human messy part gets in the way at times...

i so love the belief i have in creating peace...that peace is always possible...i meet in the middle of a disagreement and talk it out...if this isnt possible then i go all the way to the other side and meet a person in their stuck place of resentment and fear...i meet them there and work on finding peace with them...i am willing to do this for anyone...there is always a path to peace and forgiveness and then to move on doing no harm to either myself or the other person...i have learned this from my mother...she has challenged me all my life...yet i love her and honor her and forgive her...she is worth my love and kindness...all are...each person i meet is worth the compassion and the understanding and the patience...and i turn this on myself as well...i am worth it....i am an equal with everyone and worth love and kindness...

it has taken me this long to completely embrace and put into practice this deep understanding of compassion...in fact it took a jolting experience recently to fully see how deeply i can forgive, love and honor others humanity...and to honor my own...to let myself feel hurt and sorrow and yet love myself through it and not beat myself up...i am learning to finally not beat myself up...i have spent all my life hurting myself because i thought that was all i deserved...now i spend my days expanding self love...and i find it a grace-filled experience...so very tender and i am so happy i am doing this for myself...i really love myself so much and find a great joy in time i spend with myself...i like me...and i like my weird odd quirky good ways...i like so much about me...and the parts i dont like i work on and am patient and compassionate through the process...pretty cool really...

my heart is a soft nest for love...i feel it...it feels good...i am grateful to the teachers in my life...i am grateful for the being i am...i am grateful to the beautiful god who lives within everything...including me...the green places in me are growing...the shadows are present but respected for their purpose...

at the end of this year i have a renewed hope and a deepening faith in myself...we all have great potential and are empowered to heal ourselves and the world...i passionately heal myself to add to the healing of the world...in clinging to my dysfunctions i cause harm to myself and others...i refuse to be the bringer of harm...to anyone including myself...and at the same time i will not be still when others do harm to me...i will speak up and not build resentments but instead seek to understand...

i can not stay stuck...that is a luxury this culture of the west has fostered long enough...in our selfishness to protect our vulnerable core and feed our egos with gluttonous abandon we have created great harm to ourselves, our families and the planet...as good ripples out so does harmful actions...i am willing to push through my own fears to heal the world...we are all worth it...i heal to heal others...i firmly believe this to be a great truth...i hope you see the truth of this too...in continueing harmful habits and dysfunctional patterns we impact others as well as our own well being...i will overcome doing harm...i may fail at times but it is so very vital in creating a healthy world...

and so with winter solstice approaching...one of my most sacred days of the year...i am eager to shed more old useless patterns...and step into the blessed season of winter with a renewed committment to following my bliss...growing the green space within me...and to walk a path of compassion and kindness with a more conscious ease...  

a week gone by

i lost faith in alot of things this week...i lost faith in people i once trusted...i lost days in sorrow's grip...i found myself vulnerable and broken...i found my faith in myself stronger though...i found the love of the unseen unwavering...i found my best friend standing beside me...i lost hope...i grew sad for others and their struggles...i found forgiveness sitting in my chest...i began to build a wall around my heart...

i lost sight of what is important...i found the clear light and stood in it...i saw the nightmarish web of the patriachy spun by women...i saw a storm blow the curse of it away...i saw my words pour out like tears of hurt...i saw my  words rebuked...i write raw and full of sadness...

i gave over to my suffering...i filled myself with compassion and patience...i sat alone for hours in prayer...i gave christ a voice in my thoughts...i stayed away from people...i hid out...

i drummed for the healing of others...i drummed for healing within me...i was sick...wave after wave of physical pain hit me...i doctored myself and rested...

i walked down to the pond this evening and in my mind to the lake i love...i gave my burdens to the water...she took them away...i hugged a tree to me...i heard owl call to me...i didnt go...i will never go to the lake again...and this cuts deep...

i sit in silence now and hope for sleep...i let this anguish filled week slip away...i do not understand...perhaps i never will...there is an energy of gleeful harm in the air these days...hearts of stone coming up against hearts of glass...

i long for a piece of land and to tend flowers...to step away from this world and breath...to watch the green grow and the birdsong caress the breeze...to hold a hand...and smile to my beloved...and for her to smile back at me...

but time is sifting through me quickly...i feel it getting into my bones...time is undoing me in this nest of aloneness...so time to move myself beyond this sorrow...time to let go of this pain...time to rise up into a new day and face it with self love and self respect...trust again somehow...find a way to open my heart again...or walk away inside myself and keep to natures path...

 

the haven that is no more

~*~

 

seagull wisdom

 

my drumming log was moved alittle in the storm but still remains on the same speck of shoreline it has been on for years...it was good to touch it and drum for a moment...then i sat with it and thought of my sorrow...seeking some clarity there by the water...a seagull told me some jokes but they were kinda lame jokes...he said he was trying some new material and wasnt offended by the "non-involvement from the audience"...what audience?...it was just me and some guy 100 feet away peeing on a rock...

 

anyway my beech tree lost a big limb but still stands...though i know her days are numbered...she told me mine and everyones is...yeah yeah we are all gonna die and the planet is gonna break apart into trillions of pieces when the sun explodes...someday...knew that...she laughed when i got cheeky with her...

 

 

 

sun shines today after alot of physical pain yesterday...finished a painting this morning...walk would do me good...hoping for a productive day without any hassles...been dreaming of my brother (passed on in 1980)....he keeps cheering me on...telling me to get my backpack out and go...so i just might...wanderlust setting in...want to paint new orleans in the spring...

 

anyway i leave you with this lame joke from the seagull...

 

"troubles are like bird poop...they hit you outta the blue and  they are messy...but if you dont deal with them...you walk around feeling like crap...."  sid seagull

 

 

 

 

 

 

a teaching from a tree

 

nature inspires me to greater understanding of myself...suffering is like a tree being devoured...my life will topple if i allow suffering to eat away at me...i will fall...and as i fall i will harm others...so to end suffering in myself is to prevent suffering in others...i seek to end suffering in the world by ending it in the only place i can most affect...i end it in me...

message in a bottle

i knew the answer was within reach...

tree star

 

a perfect tree star...to think it had never touched the earth until that moment...to think its life has been so short...and yet it lived in a community of so very many others...keeping the tree of their lives growing and becoming more...are we any different?...how beautiful and how precious we all are...