a week gone by

i lost faith in alot of things this week...i lost faith in people i once trusted...i lost days in sorrow's grip...i found myself vulnerable and broken...i found my faith in myself stronger though...i found the love of the unseen unwavering...i found my best friend standing beside me...i lost hope...i grew sad for others and their struggles...i found forgiveness sitting in my chest...i began to build a wall around my heart...

i lost sight of what is important...i found the clear light and stood in it...i saw the nightmarish web of the patriachy spun by women...i saw a storm blow the curse of it away...i saw my words pour out like tears of hurt...i saw my  words rebuked...i write raw and full of sadness...

i gave over to my suffering...i filled myself with compassion and patience...i sat alone for hours in prayer...i gave christ a voice in my thoughts...i stayed away from people...i hid out...

i drummed for the healing of others...i drummed for healing within me...i was sick...wave after wave of physical pain hit me...i doctored myself and rested...

i walked down to the pond this evening and in my mind to the lake i love...i gave my burdens to the water...she took them away...i hugged a tree to me...i heard owl call to me...i didnt go...i will never go to the lake again...and this cuts deep...

i sit in silence now and hope for sleep...i let this anguish filled week slip away...i do not understand...perhaps i never will...there is an energy of gleeful harm in the air these days...hearts of stone coming up against hearts of glass...

i long for a piece of land and to tend flowers...to step away from this world and breath...to watch the green grow and the birdsong caress the breeze...to hold a hand...and smile to my beloved...and for her to smile back at me...

but time is sifting through me quickly...i feel it getting into my bones...time is undoing me in this nest of aloneness...so time to move myself beyond this sorrow...time to let go of this pain...time to rise up into a new day and face it with self love and self respect...trust again somehow...find a way to open my heart again...or walk away inside myself and keep to natures path...

 

the haven that is no more

~*~