Wednesday, February 29, 2012

dreamy

i fell asleep in the big red chair...and floated away...i landed on the banks of the ohio river where i use to live...across from mustapha island...in my dream i was sitting on the dock...feet in the muddy water...a mulberry tree hanging over the waters edge...mulberries plopping in the water as catfish scrambled to gulp them up...you were there...your smile shining...you sat down and pulled out a book and began reading to me...it was a story within a story now...we were the story...

"what is this?" you asked and pointed to the catfish splashing..."oh it is catfish playing catch the mulberry" i said...you laughed and got up...you stood on the grassy bank and waited and waited...a mulberry fell and you quickly caught it in your hand and popped it into your mouth..."hey! no fair...those catfish dont have a chance now" i teased but i was laughing and enjoyed watching you grab another mulberry and another and another...and then you got too sure of yourself and leaned out more...reaching for a mulberry too far.....splash!....you went in...and flopped around quite nicely..."you make a fine catfish" i chuckled...you looked up through the wet strands of hair across your eyes and smiled at me..."yes! a fine catfish" you happily said...just then you looked up and caught a mulberry in your mouth!...."me too" i laughed and leaped in as well...tossing you aside to try my luck at this mulberry catching game...the catfish left of course...we were just too silly for them to be around...

and so this was my happy dream...i woke from it smelling jasmine in my tangerine room in an apartment i call a tree house...snow falling outside...cars moving alittle slower up the street...night climbing in all cozy...i will build a proper nest in bed soon and hope to return to more lovely dreams...may we all find peaceful places tonight in our dreams and wake smiling...

DAY 2 evening

sunshine to snowfall in the span of hours...but isnt this a metaphor...i woke in sunlight and birdsong...now in darkness snow falls to the ground...there is an emily dickinson poem of tight-fisted words there some place...but my words have a more disheveled appearance...though very deep in places and with a bit of beauty...

i did a journey with the sound of my own heart beating...it wasnt a good thing to hear my heart pounding in my ear but it was a fascinating journey none the less...

i went into the middle world and was greeted by my shaman self...she handed me bones and had me toss them...i told her i wasnt into throwing bones but did it anyway...it was amazing what landed in the dirt...a perfectly formed symbol of a spiral...i felt myself being pulled into the spiral and so i went...

i was surrounded by a cave of crystals and even my slightest breath created music from them...so softly i  began to sing...

i am the grace of creation...i am a well of love...i am the home of the infinite...i am compassionate...i am kind...i am at peace...sending love and compassion and peace to all...

yet as the words came from me i felt as if they werent humanly formed...they came from my soul...actually it felt as if they came from all souls...that every soul on the planet was singing this...a oneness...it was more than i could take...the immense feeling of love...i had to leave...i went back up to the shaman...she gave me water so pure it was as if i was drinking starlight...and the drumming in my ear stopped and i returned to this apartment and the sound of cars swooshing up the snowy road here...

it was a very relaxing and blessed place to be in for a short time...i am grateful...i take this thought through my quiet evening...sending love and compassion and peace to all...

~*~



DAY 2

sun is streaming in...i so dig the layout of my tree house apartment...sunrise from one window so cheerful...sunset from the other window so dramatic...and for the hours in between the plants in a large window are bathed in light and very happy...

day 2 is about nourishment...feeding and caring for my mind/body/soul...and to continue the work of yesterday...to retrain my brain...i am going to overcome the scrambled feeling and get very focused...the fatigue was simply melting me down and i wont allow this when there is the simple remedy of sleep...

a friend gave me daffy dills and irises and the sunlight fits snugly against them as they sit in a mason jar greeting the giver of life...they are opening up and simply and completely accepting of the gift...the flow of light...may i be a flower today...opening to the gift and flow of love and the simple acceptance of life as i navigate my day...

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

the dude abides

so i have to laugh at the end of this first day of revolution and evolution...i am sitting in my bathrobe and a tie dye t-shirt thinking about bowling of all things...so this makes me feel like having a caucasian...lol...yep i am feeling abit like the dude...kinda look like him in this bathrobe...should i shuffel down to the grocery and buy some half and half for my caucasian...and if you have never seen the big lebowski you are not getting the humor of this rambling...no worries...

i have had a long day of self work and rest...the rest was so needed...my brain was turning into mush...now it is all filled with laughter...and i will take laughter over suffering any day...

so here is what i discovered about today...when you build a bridge to your soul you get somewhere...when you build a bridge to your ego it is a bridge to nowhere...i would rather be where spirit takes me...and so i was in spirit all day...and i learned a few things...about self respect...about my limits...about true love and its value...i learned what i dont want and do want...oh i learned a great deal and it is still working through me...i have slowed down today and let myself rest...

i will rest more and all week...unpacking and setting up my studio...making art...listening to music...relaxing into my treehouse and planning my future adventures...finally settling into the idea of writing a book...eager to go to the beach and play...teaching more and more...keeping it all simple...allowing myself to sleep and dream good dreams more often...if DAY 1 had a theme it was about going with the flow as my janet would say...

laughing at flowers tickling my nose...

smiling...blowing a kiss to the other side...

i love you janet....

jasmine journey

i did a journey using the scent of jasmine as a tool rather than a drumbeat or rattle...using a scent is not new to me but i havent done this in a long time...

the scent took me to a dome of jasmine and i crawled inside and stretched out on soft grass...light filtered in and i felt held in this gentle loving womb of flowery energy...there was so much peace to be found i could simply breath and sigh the relief of it in and out of me...i was in absolute bliss...

from the jasmine flowered dome a voice came...serene and feminine...i remember that voice...it was my first partner Janet...she came and sat beside me...then held me...whispered french in my ears as she use to...she was the same...her eyes clear and full of laughter...she had once worn and brewed and grew jasmine...it was her favorite flower and she would often kiss blossoms like a happy  butterfly...coming away with the faintest hint of jasmine on her lips...and now she held me and rocked me and spoke to me with such compassion...

she told me that it was ok...the way i am right now...to not be frightened...it would pass...the stress and difficult times would clear away and spring would bring loving blossoms and happy stars...she told me to be comforted and not feel so untethered...that i wasnt at all...that i was anchored in love from others and from the flow of love...she laughed...some just dont get you col...some do...it is not bad or good...you are this river that flows and some are all dammed up...just flow i remember her saying...keep flowing...

the flowers fell and covered us...she and i laughed...as the wind swept the flowers away janet disappeared...it was a very beautiful moment...not sad...she lingered like the jasmine scent...and the laughter lingered...i was so very happy...incredibly blessed to be with her again...i got a chance to tell her i love her and to hold her...how many people get that gift...i cant express the beauty of it...the falling away of the sadness of losing her and all the unspent dreams...this was lifted from my heart...

days before this i walked by jasmine for sell at trader joe's...i put my hand out and touched a flower and remembered her and felt that sadness...days after i was given this jasmine and now i was given this moment of healing...

i look at who i was when she and i met...i was full to the brim...lately i have felt hollow...but she showed me that who i am is who she still loves and who i am is worth loving...and i have this fullness again...i feel renewed...the rest of this will come...what to do next...it will all come...i am in the flow of love...it is flowing...

DAY 1~and then...

the jasmine given to me as a treehouse warming gift is blooming...i opened the door to the sunny landing and the fragrance filled me...another message...sacred and close to my heart to deal with as i go through this day of acceptance, insight and recalibration of my mind/heart/spirit as they become unified in an effort to strengthen me and assist in creating this new beginning...

the meditation part of this day  is done and i feel my mind clearer...the journeying and fasting are for the rest of the daytime...then prayer and breaking the fast at sunset...


the scent of jasmine reaches into my mind as i journey
god is near...love is lifting me up out of my suffering
i am where the third eye sees infinite possibilities
where the soul sits and where i will find enlightenment
~*~

DAY 1

this day is about unscrambling my very tired brain thru meditation, prayer, journeying and rest...

i woke up very sick with nausea, headache, sore throat and aches...my body is telling me stop, look and listen...so i am...everything is a message from spirit today...i will pay close attention on this first day of this absolute beginning...i want to think differently by the end of this day...my brain is being rewired to receive my own inner wisdom unfiltered by others polluted thought energy, curses, negative intent and unkindness...i am allowing the soul to lead and am blocking any ill will sent to me from the egos of others...we all should do this...people can send you so much ill will it truly will make you sick...i have had people send me so much confusion i was getting confused...today the sun streams in singing to me...telling me to step into the light of my own faith and knowing...step into the light and heal...

~*~


"the whole worlds broke and it aint worth fixin'..its time to start all over, make a new beginning"

i think of this song tonight...i have been personally going about everything in the wrong way...trying to fix my life when it aint worth fixin...not this life...not the life i have limited myself to...not the self imposed imprisonment of my own heart...not the suffering i crowd into me daily...the limiting...the acceptance of crumbs...the eagerness to please in hopes of more crumbs...the absolute absurdity of each little grey day...one upon one upon thousands of grey days...and then the occasional moments of light...well it is all broke and it isnt worth even the smallest attempt to fix it...

a new beginning...start all over...from where i am at...with what i have...and the power of my own spirit guiding me...

~*~


DAY 1
TUESDAY, FEB. 28, 2012











Monday, February 27, 2012

be in peace...


i sit there tonight...by a lake...at the dawning of a day last summer...the distant splash of a lone swimmer...the call of a loon...the humming sound of a dragonfly hurrying past me...i remember that moment...yet today i couldnt remember to do simple things...so i remember that perfect moment and let it comfort me...

the sky...the sky was so wide and deep there...the lake like a mirror i saw my soul reflected in...i was held in nature like a mother holds a small child...nestled in the crook of an arm...i was held and felt safe and loved...i sat on the rock and held my hand to my heart as i did tonight...i held my hand there and felt the beating of my heart...the soft constant drumming...

i may be surrounded by walls tonight but they are not real...the realness is the rock and the lake and the sky that is still out there...and i am there...on the cold rock...the wind howling through the pines...my hair tossed wildly...the sky roaring with starlight...a shard of moon shining brightly...my heartbeat pounding loudly...

and the trees speak to me...tell me to be strong...to be myself...to let go...no attachments...no selfish ways...no fears...no desire...let go...palms up...heart open...be kind...take nothing...ask for nothing...keep the time left simple...right actions...compassion...relax my mind...slowly be...quietly be...gently breath...love...be in peace...


BIG LOVE

giving myself two very unstructured days...no major plans...no massive to do list...slowing down...resting...regrouping...thinking about goals and a business plan...and time in the tubbie...time spent in silence...time praying and meditating...time listening to my soul speak in journeys, dreams and messages throughout my days and nights...

last night i dreamed i was driving and once again i had my common dream occurrence but with a different action...i dreamed i was pulling on to the highway and i lost my sight...actually my eyesight gets blurry and so i close my eyes and hope for the best...but this time when it happened i stopped the car on the highway and gave myself healing energy...letting go of the steering wheel and cupping my hands over my eyes...my sight returned and the frustration of not being able to see was gone...

i took this to mean that in my daily life if frustration or feeling overwhelmed occurs i need to stop and give myself healing...

~*~

lately my energy level has been sizzling...not in a kinetic cant sit still kind of way...it feels like my heart is vibrating fast...like the love i have for everyone is so big it will take me and blow me to pieces like a crystal can be blown to pieces with sound...i feel like love so immense passing thru this body is going to shatter it...not in a bad way...but i will just vibrate at a higher and higher frequency until i become white light...

i was telling someone this the other day...trying to explain it...as if i will vibrate at such a high frequency i will become white light...and wouldnt you know that very night i put my hand on a pot on the electric stove and the element exploded...it sent me back and i saw this white ball of light flash before me...a similar energy  i was experiencing inside me blasted thru my body...i wasnt hurt seriously but it could have been the end for me easily...if i had grabbed hold of the pot handle or if i had used the glass pot perhaps...as it was for a good half hour after my whole body  ached horribly and my head felt like it was going to get so tight it would explode...i kept my hands on either side of my head holding it and sending it cleansing healing...my ears ached all night and into the next day...yet the other part was i was not tired and could have stayed up all night...i felt like i had dodged death in a spiritual way...i had a vision when the explosion happened and am still inching towards understanding it...

i am in this long cycle of transition...i have faced some heavy inner issues and changed my outer world...i have let go of the comfort blanket of suicide....i have moved out and am living on my own for the first time in many years...i am reforming my art career...i am allowing others to get close to me...i am opening myself up...to love and not in a selfish way...i am finding so much peace lately...i do have my moments of feeling overwhelmed but that is fatigue and naps cure this...i simply am changing my energy and inner harmonious frequency to navigate my life in a new way...surrounding myself with more calmness and happiness...i feel such an immense flow of love to me and out of me and back to me...

i feel so incredibly blessed and so grateful for all i have...i take a shower and am grateful when i know others can not enjoy this...how rich i am in comforts...i eat a full meal and yet bellies are empty  around the world...i drive a car and so many dont have one...i am warm when others shiver...and so every day i count my blessings and i find ways to help ease suffering...i am hopeful...i love everyone and send love...i take care of the natural world we were blessed to be given with the easy things we all can do and know to do...i walk as kindly as i can and show loving kindness...right now...typing this i feel so much love for all and am so very hopeful we all will lift up and be our best selves...

even as there are those who do harm in the world there are a thousand times a thousand kind acts and goodness being done at the same moment...be happy in knowing this and be kind and gentle with yourself and others today...

Sunday, February 26, 2012

happy lotus

the lotus lifts itself from the dull muddy water...untainted...petals opening in a cascading chant of life...surging and at rest in oneness of action and non action...at peace...in this moment i am the lotus...awakened...opening fully...serene...i love and yet sit with love in silent devotion...

Saturday, February 25, 2012

without end...no expiration date...as constant as creation...
in the complex dance of mathmatics... beneath the sheets of formulations...you form the equation of my thoughts... ouroboros...wrapped around my heart...the chant of yes... no vanishing point...there... in the greatest and least of everything... there in the infinite possibilities...your are the constant love of always...


Friday, February 24, 2012

~♥~MY AWESOMENESS~♥~

lately i have had these huge moments of surrender and enlightenment...still got a ways to go but dont we all...(keepin it humble like the dalai lama)....i put my ego in a coffin and floated it down the river styx...i let go of my attachments to romantic love and decided if it comes to me (and doesnt feel like an insanely tight woolen sweater) i will enjoy it but otherwise i am not even going to let my mind go in that direction...

uh what else?...oh i am learning to live alone...i must say it doesnt suit me but it is a good motivation to own some land some day, get a dog and invite all my friends to a 24/7 buffet of life on the land!...

more...i super recently embraced the people who make an effort to be around me...i am breaking myself of the habit of inviting myself to someone's home or asking more than once if they wish to do something together...it was getting me all funked up...

big shift is i am committing myself.....to my art and teaching...you thought i was going to say to the funny farm?...lol...i am who i am and that i am is all that i am and i am an artist...that does sound like a crazy person huh?..a crazy artist?

in fact i am a crazy artist...and it is about time i acted like one!

another revolution behind my eyes is my self love...i fought a big battle and won that freakin war!...rejection and all that pity party stinkin thinkin is done...no ego to make me feel crappy about myself...feeling my soul love and that is all i need...no voices in my head repeating stupid lines from my childhood about "no one is ever going to love you" and all that rot...i am worth loving and spending time with and yeah i can be talkative and silly but at least i can be interesting and not some sad sock sitting in a corner picking her problems apart...yeah i tell the worst knock, knock jokes on the planet and so what if i cant make pancakes...who's perfect?

i woke up this morning and felt happy...i woke up with a smile...i woke up in love with myself...not a bad way to start the day...no biggie...just years of therapy, self work, a few smart thoughts and boom...big billboard with flashing LEDs saying COLLEEN IS AWESOME!

now i relax for the rest of my time on the planet...i dont stress out over money or judgments from others....know that i dont have to be perfect because just how i am is good enough...step up to do the difficult things in life...accept what is...and just love...

Thursday, February 23, 2012

breath in...breath out...just love...

so much to do and yet i do nothing this evening...a bit of a struggle breathing...and so i journeyed into it...i went into a hole in the ground and came up through my own body...lungs and flesh and warm blood...the pulse of my own heart moving me along...til i was in the dark...it felt like the back of my head...and i heard a voice...small and soft...it was a younger me...she was very tender with her words...comforting me...just keep breathing...in and out...in and out...accept...accept...no struggle...just love...just love....just love...her chant of just love went on for many moments...then there was a rushing sound and fast movement and light...incredible light...

i was in a different place now...a place of immense love...as if all the love in the world that has ever been was reaching me...i felt pure...i felt clean...i felt as if no matter what i have done or would ever do i would always be loved...i became so grateful...i sat in this place and simply accepted this wonderful river of love...

i was moved along again...i was in a dark and damp place...i felt animals all around me...angry and snarling...i became afraid...i was being bitten...i cried out...i was so alone...and i cried out again...still alone...and so i pulled myself up and ran...ran for a long time...tired...bleeding...frightened...

i ended up running into the water...the ocean...the salt stinging my wounds and yet i stood there letting it wash over me...and i kept chanting...just love...just love...just love...

i realized the struggle to breath is the pattern of struggle i create...i close off...i shut down...the breath is my own opening up...and so i came back to now with the knowledge of how dangerous shutting down can be...when i want to hide out and become isolated i need to open up...when i love i need to show my love...when i feel lost i need to seek a way out...

this journey was a strong one...a good teaching...i am open and loving and unafraid...

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

stream of conscious writing....

i get close...down close...so close i see to the other side of everything...i see the good behind the bad...the beauty hidden within the sorrow...i see the redemption of a moment of surrender...i see the love hidden in plain sight...i see the veins of your hands and crave to hear your heartbeat...i heard it once and hold it in my mind...a beat that calls to me and yet there is no place to go greet it now...i get close and then far away...miles away from yesterday...years away from a day ago...i am far into the memory of you and yet you are so very close....the scent of your hair....the warmth of your neck...the curve of your arm as i find myself there...i get close and then pull apart my soul...long stretch of tears fall...and i get lost in the darkness that use to have stars...i see no stars in this rainy night...stars will not guide me to my nest of dreams...i am cold and closed off now...i am simply a soul now...caged in a body...i rest behind this cage of bones...light and softness...love and kindness...i get close to wanting more and then remember there is no wanting any more...there is no more...i am friends with the stillness, the trees, the hawks...i have my words and paints as company...i feast on hours and fill myself up...another day gone...night and sleep are my relief...though nights are the little deaths...i welcome the shutting out of the day...the soft hum of another day ending...the thud of reality...the dreamless curve of space and time...no nest...simply a place i rest my head...i go close and see and look away...there is no sky to fly into...no stars greet me...so i will not fly again... 

mindful forest

i walk into the forest
i walk into myself
i am in the same place
inward and outward
i am green
i am still
i am held in love

i breath in peace
i exhale peace
i am loved
i love

rooted
to my body
as the tree
is rooted
to the earth
  both of us know  
impermanence

as quickly
as a strike
of lightning
the tree will
 leap into flames

i too
will leap
someday

yet
we stand
together
holding each other
in the bliss of stillness

i am loved
i love

i am loved
i love

i am loved
i love




Monday, February 20, 2012

dreaming each others life

as he sleeps he dreams of her life...a life of travel and art and passion for women...a life of deaths and disasters and rejection...she has sacred moments...lost moments...and moments sublime...he dreams of her torments and lonely hours...he dreams of her hunger to be held close...he sees her sit with her cup of coffee at dawn...he sees her sit in the dark and cry...on he dreams of her until he wakes as she falls asleep to dream his life....
he is english and meek but kind...he cares for his mother and stays close by her side...he is a romantic...he walks with an ivory lion's head topped cane though he has no irregular gait...he sits at teas as if invisible...a room full of women buzz like bees as he nibbles on paper thin biscuits...the tea he sips is subtle for he has a delicate digestion ...and for beauty's sake a tiny violet floats in the pale brew...he listens to the women gossip and scheme..he listens to their hinted longings...he moves to a quiet corner and extracts his pen and paper...he is lately struggling to wrap words around feelings even he can't unmask...the words become weak facades of his immense sorrow...where are the words to hold out to the world?...what words can touch the human heart and move it to awakening?...what words can he craft to give drink to a thirst so immense in himself?...again and again he scratches pen across paper...failure fatigues him...
he walks outside and looks up at the sky...blue as gentle as a lover's first touch...he walks to the stream and follows it to the swell of the river...his ache grows...his body has become a companion to his starving soul...how can he write of love when he has never tasted its intoxicating sweetness...he has moved near to its sacred embrace but has never been devoured by love...and now the water once again calls to him...come lost soul...fill your pockets with stones and slip beneath my surface...tumble into my arms and surrender to my cold kisses...

no...no not today...he will return and kiss his mothers forehead...he will climb the stairs to his room and surrender to his dreams...wondering...wondering if any of this is actually real...his longing and loneliness and ache around his heart...is he himself alive or simply the dream of someone conjuring his life to mirror her own...will her madness take him under the surface of the water someday? could they dream one another happier dreams? his eyes close with gentle thoughts of her...

heart and hand


awakened...open...loving...kind...

hand to sky...sky to hand...
receiving...rejoicing...loving...kind...

hand touching earth...earth touching hand...
hand to earth...earth to hand...
awakened...open...
all the way alive...

hand to heart...heart to hand...
open...loving...kind...

hands to heart...soulful prayer...
prayer to heart...prayer to hands...

hands to heart...heart to hands...
awakened...open...loving...kind...

Saturday, February 18, 2012

free to be...



~~*~~
i quit being human tonight...
i have killed my ego...
i am light now...
and in this light my soul/life is reborn...
my mind broke...like a vessel...
and from the crown of my head light shot out...
i am free..no more limits...
no more suffering the foolish things ego struggles with...
i love you as a soul loves a soul...
completely...

i am in the forever moment....
the eternal now...
removed from the restrictions of being human...

think what you will think of me...
i am beyond the cares of ego now...
i know who i have been
and what i have done
through my little life as a human/being...
i failed...
learned...
did my best and worst...
but in the end none of it matters...

we are not our selves...
we are the selves others see...
you have seen me as a child not an adult...
you have seen me as less than...
you have seen me as weird...
you have seen me as a whore...
you have seen me as a loser...
you have seen me as good...
you have seen me as kind...
you have seen me as a ----?

you have seen me through the eyes of you
and that is who i have been to you...
each of you see a different me...
i am all those me's...
i am done being my me...
tonight i am soul...
you can see who you choose to see...
when i see me i see light...
no more or less...
i will navigate this false world...
pay bills and drive a car and eat and wear clothing..
but tonight i am soul
i am light...
happiness...
peace...
calm...
silence...
i dont need touch taste desire comfort...
i walk through space and time without attachment...
even after my body ends i still am...
for i am soul...

and so forgive the harshness and the failure and the confusion that was colleen...forgive her...she was human...remember colleen as a soul broken free of ugliness...the facade will walk and talk and breath and eat and yet the soul is the true self...this other part is a lie we all tell our selves and each other...

language can not communicate the brokenness of tonight...
nor the victory...
nor the emergence of soul...

and it doesnt matter...
there is no hurt...
no suffering...
no worry...
there is only soul... and gratitude...and love...

Friday, February 17, 2012

Nirvana or Bust

A crow cries against the darkening sky--
My great-grandmother would know
What message it brings to me,
But my hours hum with lost meanings.
Fog trolls the neighborhood wanting me.
But I know I would become lost in its touch,
Trapped and consumed by its seductive dance.

I will lose my eyes and bend towards sleep
And sit by the shore of my thoughtless mind.
Nothingness.   Dreamless.   Emptiness.
Oblivion is my only prayer for myself tonight.



Thursday, February 16, 2012

stringing words along

feelin fine...crows croon an offbeat tune...seagulls muse...trees bare their souls as the winds of change come calling...they listen for the first spring wake up calls...rain is falling...soft dance of drops to my tongue...green comes...slowly and gently green reaches my eyes...little fingers of life stretching up...i touch the newness...it touches me...i am the green of happiness...i am the song of spring...

Monday, February 13, 2012

mellow fade into night...

loving words to myself

my sheets are cold...my heart is warm...a basket of shells sit on the coffee table reminding me of all those beach days gone by...the fridge hums...the traffic slides by...the night pours down...the stars open their eyes...i sigh to myself at the kind memories i have stacked up...like a tidy pile of valentines bundled with a bit of string...and all this evening as the dark grows wider...i hold myself and gently become the light...i am the light that wades across the hours...i am the warrior of light who fights for love...there is no defeat...there is no conquering anyone...there is only the victory of a loving heart...i untie the bundle of memories and look at each one...let the string fall to the floor...throw the memories into the air...fly away all of you love stories i have lived...fly to the moon and shine brightly there...but i will keep this one story though...it was the first my heart ever knew of love...i will keep that story and feel the pureness of it tonight...

gratitude for my big spirited self

even when i get down...i stand up...even when i want to no longer believe...i reach for my faith...even when i am afraid...i run towards my fears...even when my heart breaks...i let my soul mend it...even when i cant find god...i know god is there in the thunder and the quiet seed...even when i dont feel lovable...i know i am loved...even as i cry a sad tear...i give thanks...even as i question my existence...i accept that my life has meaning...even when i am lost...i am home...

 

Sunday, February 12, 2012

a hard week ends with a coming day of silence...

tomorrow i am giving myself a day of silence...it was a hard week and a couple of disappointments...i had a great class to teach though and i am grateful for that...but much of the rest of it was tiring and tearful...i did my best to be peaceful and loving and kind yet faced rejections and coldness and the fatigue of moving into an apartment...at the end of this week i am still pushing myself and so after 4 pm today i am sitting down and letting it all go away from me...i am putting myself in another place and time...floating in a kayak like a waterbug...a lake of deep blue black...trees crowding in along the shore on all sides...and there will be silence...only broken by birdsong and the occasional fish leaping up to challenge and lose against gravity's powers...

silence...and slow thoughts...and to take this twisted bit of anger and hurt and let it forge for myself a stronger will and discpline...i want to be autonomous and do for myself in a different way...i want to take the examples around me and become like them...i want to change...i want to take all the advice everyone gives me and look at it with a hawk's eye...targeting in on what i must kill off inside myself to be that hawk...to come at things from an objective height and destroy the parts of me that are holding me back from a better way...

i have had enough of failure...enough truly is enough...nice girls do finish last..and vanila is a boring flavor...life is short...i am hungry like the wolf...eat drink and be merry  for tomorrow we die...nights are the little deaths...i resurrect with the light...be true to thy self...never look back...keep on keepin on...seize the carp...


~~~*~~~


i was rooting for you whitney...sorry you didnt make it...but i really do understand...this world ate you up alive...the bastards arent going to keep me down though...i have learned to love myself in a moment of revelation this morning...it was actually 9:11 when i looked at the clock the moment the light bulb blared over my head...i get it now...i wish you had...i wish everyone out there trying to please others and find love and acceptance would get it and stop harming themselves...you cant get blood from a turnip or love from a stone cold heart...so love yourself...take care of yourself and maybe just maybe some brave soul will come your way and love you big...but if they dont just know...you are worth the risk and you are worth the effort and you are so worth being loved and respected...i know i am... 

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

peace...

my worries have become the rooted  tree of my wisdom...the lessons are the fruit ripening on the tree...

this line was something i wrote to myself today...in the midst of great fatigue and heartfelt concern for my father (who's health is worsening but seems to be stable tonight)...i think of my life right now...this season of change...i think of what i must do for others and what i need to learn to do for myself...i think of the world and its troubles...i think of the suffering and the love i feel for all...i think of god...i am a lover of god...of the immense unseen hands caring for me and loving me through the rough parts...the beautiful mystery which brings in human angels at times to help guide me and help get me to a safe harbor when the storms of my own troubles come...and i think of myself as a human angel as well...reaching out to guide others to shore safely as well...

we are so beautiful...we human beings...we who live conscious loving kindness each day...

at the close of this day i hold each and every heartbeat sacred on this planet...countless yet each one precious...may we all see the value in one another and honor that value with great care and kindness to all...namaste

Monday, February 6, 2012

i feel this

"When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it's bottomless, that it doesn't have any resolution, that this heart is huge, vast and limitless. You begin to discover how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much space. Your world seems less solid, more roomy and spacious. The burden lightens."
                                                                                               ~~Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron

Thursday, February 2, 2012

I LOVE MYSELF!


ALL CAPITAL LETTERS TONIGHT...RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT...FEELING ALL CAPITAL FEELINGS...FOR MYSELF...WHEN I WOULD NORMALLY BE TRASHING MYSELF OR DOUBTING MYSELF OR REINING MYSELF IN...BY GOD ALMIGHTY I AM CELEBRATING THIS GOOD WOMAN CALLED COLLEEN!!!...

I LOVE MYSELF AND I AM JUST AMAZING...I ACTUALLY FEEL IT...FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A VERY LONG TIME...IN THE MIDDLE OF A SILLY LITTLE LIFE OF STRUGGLES AND SUFFERING I AM LOOKING AT MYSELF SAYING "WOW! COLLEEN YOU ARE SOMETHING SPECIAL. YOU STAND STRONG IN THE FLOOD WATERS...BUT YOU BEND LIKE THE REED AND LIKE THE REED YOU NEVER BREAK."

I AM FEELING THIS SACREDNESS TOWARDS MY OWN LIFE TONIGHT....I AM FEELING THIS TENDERNESS TOWARDS MYSELF...I AM A BRAVE WARRIOR...I RUN TO MY FEARS AND FACE THEM...I MAY SHED TEARS BUT I NEVER HIDE THEM EITHER...I LOVE WITH THE HEART OF THE GREAT AND NOBLE SPIRIT THAT I AM...

I HAVE STRUGGLED AGAINST MY DEMONS AND ALSO DANCED WITH THEM AS WELL...I HAVE GIVEN IN AND PITIED MYSELF AND YET SHOOK IT OFF AND CHEERLEADED MYSELF INSTEAD...

I HAVE BEEN AS COMPASSIONATE AS I COULD BE AND YET FALLEN SHORT OF THIS MOST VALUED ACTION AS WELL...BUT THROUGH IT ALL AND EVERY STEP OF THE WAY I HAVE ASKED MYSELF TO DO BETTER...I HAVE NEVER GIVEN UP...EVEN WHEN I WISHED IT UPON MYSELF...EVEN IN THE DARKNESS OF MY OWN ANGUISH I HAVE SOMEHOW LET MY HIGHER SELF COME IN AND BRING ME BACK FROM THE EDGE...

TONIGHT I WOULD SAY I HAVE GIVEN MY BEST TO THIS WORLD ALL ALONG...TONIGHT I OFFER UP MY BEST TO THE WORLD AND TO MYSELF...I LOVE EVERYONE...AND I MOST CERTAINLY LOVE MYSELF...AND THIS IS EXCITING!...TO SIMPLY LOVE...TO FEEL THE VAST RIVER OF LOVE FLOWING AND I AM STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF IT...ARMS OPEN WIDE...GULPING UP GALLONS OF IT...LOVING ALL THOSE I KNOW AND DONT KNOW...LOVING MYSELF...AND EVEN MORE SO I AM FEELING LOVED...IT TAKES ALOT OF BRAVERY TO RISK STEPPING INTO THIS RIVER OF LOVE...YOU HAVE TO RISK DROWNING OR FLOATING AWAY...

BUT IN THIS RIVER OF LOVE I STAND...ANCHORED BY THE GRACE OF MY OWN ACCEPTANCE...ANCHORED BY THE PASSION OF MY OWN SELF LOVE...STANDING WITH DIGNITY AND PRIDE...NOT A FOOLISH BOASTFUL PRIDE...BUT A PRIDE IN THE ACT OF LOVE...FOR LOVE IS AN ACTION AND NOT JUST A WORD...AND I AM PROUD TO LOVE AS I LOVE...TO STAND IN THIS RIVER AND LOVE ALL OF YOU...I MAY HAVE WALKED AWAY FROM SOME OF YOU OR LEFT TO DO NO MORE HARM...I MAY HAVE LOST TOUCH OR NEVER REACHED OUT AT ALL...BUT I STILL LOVE YOU AND WISH FOR YOU ALL THE LOVE IN THIS RIVER...WALK IN...YOU WILL SEE AND KNOW LOVE TOO...




Wednesday, February 1, 2012

the struggle...

i became a pond...still...without  a ripple...thoughts like fish move within me...i am in the murky bottom of things...not understanding yet reaching out to find the answers...to find the strength to even continue seeking them...i am in this place...alone...doing what i can to right my course again...to be compassionate towards myself...and the fish thoughts swim faster and the murky water gets more clouded...to still my thoughts i have to let go...let go of wanting to understand...let go of needing to figure things out...let go of desire...let go of hope...let go of faith..let go of everything...enter the silence...so the fish calm down...the water clears...and i can find my way again...