Saturday, June 29, 2013

would you like a little whine with your meal?

so i whined a little to myself today...i chuckled at the funk i found myself in..."oh hey funk...i havent seen you in weeks...how ya been?"...and eeyore's voice popped into my head and answered me back..."oh i have been ok i guess...just fine...i guess"...

it all started when i went to the grocery for a couple of things i forgot to get on my return to my apartment after weeks away...i hit the produce aisle and saw the watermelons...i should get one!...and then it smacked me hard and socked me in the gut...i cant buy a whole one...i live alone now...i dont think i have ever had that happen in my life...i have always had someone by my side...for so very long...but now...no whole watermelons...and i choked back tears and walked away from it...three aisles over i stood for a moment...looking at a row of saints candles...i had to center myself and get real about the darn watermelon...so i dont have anyone to share it with...ok...i can still buy watermelon and it doesnt have to be sad...i can suck it up and go buy a quarter of one...there...i decided...i walked over and picked it up and carried it in my basket...i found the couple of items i needed and got in line...i looked at the wedge of pink juiciness sliding down to the cashier...a cheery color...succulent...it was ok i told myelf...

and it is ok...it is in the fridge...i am saving it for tomorrow...

funny how it has been over a year now and yet there are moments when i forget how alone and on my own i am...i dont forget how much i dislike it...lol...i am a nester...a libra...i like being in a home with voices and activity and the presence of another...a beloved...but my life isnt that right now...and i am finding this deep sense of gratitude rise up in me...i appreciate my own courage at facing life as it is...and feeling tender about it...not angry or questioning why me...not pushing myself into places that arent good for me...not forcing myself into anything to not be alone...i mean i do like me and hanging out alone isnt horrible...it just isnt what i like...not my first choice...i had to really come to terms with that...i am ok with me being a mushy nester type...yet i am alone right now and finding it a good lesson...for now...lol...

i am thankful for the person i am and the goodness of my own humanity towards myelf...i love that i am kind to myself...and in turn it softens me to be kind to others...i touch spirit with all in this world of singular humans who long to feel as one...

i do feel connected to everything tonight and yet i feel my own singular existence...it is precious...it is wonderful...my heart...my soul...my humanness is as succulent and sweet as the lovely quarter moon of watermelon waiting for me in the fridge...

i am happy...

Friday, June 28, 2013

a warrior is never a victim...

liberating myself from more and more suffering by looking at it all with mr. spock eyes...studying it...understanding the equation of it all...giving it to god with a toss and a laugh...i cant figure a dang thing out myself these days...the whole of it is senseless...and it makes a fool out of me to keep on trying to navigate a cesspool when if i step to the right and walk down a path there is a spring fed pool...clear sweet water of redemption...

so i quit...more and more and more...giving up...letting go...realizing i was holding on to things that arent real anyway...

i told myself stories and wanted them to be real...but the stories are done...i know who loves and respects me and who doesnt...i know who fakes their lives and who lives it with truth and with an open heart...a fearless warrior is easy to spot...they arent plastic action heroes...and now i accept love often isnt love when it is offered up to me...it is ownership or selfish insecurities wrapped in shiny lures to hook me and hurt me...folks walk around faking it...their open hearted words are actually plastic mass produced false truths they regurgitate from classes and books and gurus who strut around like peacocks...

mr. spock cocks an eyebrow and remarks about it all..."fascinating"...and i listen...but it is all he says...

so it is...an end...a dead end of thoughts and feelings...

and now i happily return to where i started long ago...before i was unplugged...before the cord of hate choked me and tried to kill my spirit...

BTW...Before The Wounding...i didnt care about being loved...i was love...i didnt worry about getting it right...when it just was an experience...i laughed and cried and wasnt ashamed of either...i held out my hand easily when asking for what i needed...and refusing what i didnt like with a humorous sour faced NO...when each birdsong was sacred and each touch kind...when i wasnt polluted by others and the only judgement i faced was...well...none...i lived in the moment and yet i didnt know what time was...for i was a newborn to the earth...with my mission...an easy one...be love...

it was the beginning of life...the gold thread of moments weaved together...to clothe my soul with light and comfort me in still moments at each lifting of dawn and sway of sunset...i was loved by god and all the light beings and humans around me...i felt it flowing through me and out of me...it was like liquid sunshine...it fed my spirit and everyone elses...

yet like many humans there was the wounding...the unplugging...the suffering...the forgetting...little by little understanding there were rules...there was conformity and the narrowness of minds around me...some people were loved and others werent...some had this new thing called "all the time in the world" and others had only a few seasons of time...some were abused and some were the abusers...

love was always rationed and came with conditions...hearts were closed off and hate fed many bellies...touch was wrapped in fists and words were filled with thorns...punishment spoke up...praise was kept silent...some were worthy of respect and dignity simply because of money or the color of their skin...vulgarities and violence were romanticized...kindness and goodness were belittled...you were strong if you pushed and competed with others...you were weak if you gave and offered up what you had to give...

and now i see it all...the harshness and the softness of this world...the haters who spread the seeds of fear and cheer as it grows...i see the lovers who offer up peace and kindness...who do their best and yet are trampled in a lusty stampede of selfish unconscious zombies...

i mourn for those who have closed off their hearts and stayed unplugged...i wish for them to feel the warmth of infinite love...but i will not wade into the cesspool of their celebrated suffering any more...they are drowning yet dont see they pull others down with them...a closed heart is such a dangerous thing...and i for one am not going to drown in  another persons ignorance any longer...

it is time for me to close a book on this life and enjoy the rest of life outside the book...in paintings and in walks and in days by the ocean...outside the book in joy and in the sweet sips of a spring fed pool which washes over me gently and cleanses the debri of others suffering out of me...

above the pool the sun sifts through trees and spills over the water in coins of light...

i am here in it...baptizing myself...a christening...fully plugged in...drifting as a newborn...floating in the womb of my own rebirth...the months and years and all of it gone...the struggle and the sorrow and the longings lifted...the breaths i take now are clear and full of life...here in this fresh summer breeze my eyes open anew...my hands reach out...i am love...

Saturday, June 15, 2013

shedding becoming

found a long thin snake skin and it made me smile...such a good sign...especially as summer solstice approaches...i journeyed to the snake and it gave me more than just the same old same old of shed the old message...no this shedding was of a deeper nature...this was a message of shedding attachment while at the same time staying in my skin and growing from each experience...this will continue to happen until the last time i split my skin and wiggle free of my body...

the snake showed me each time i have grown out of my skin...what situation or event i scraped against to free the deadness and find new life...all of last year was about shedding the skin of old patterns people ideas and suicidal thoughts...i shed the years...years of trying to fit into a polluted mainstream...years of trying to be seen and respected...years of playing by rules that just got me buckets of suffering...

the snake showed me a glistening dance of light...it became a rainbow serpent...it entered the top of my head and blasted out all the dark bits of unhappiness...the snake told me the rainbow serpent would be with me as a guide for the summer and would give me signs and teach me my most lasting lessons in navigating the landscape of humans and the polluted mainstream i sometimes have to wade into...

Monday, June 10, 2013

dream-bucket list

been hanging out with my kid self more and more...i took her by the hand...wiped the tears away...gave her a big celebration of welcome home and am learning to losen up the tight places in me again...and when i did this i realized i have outgrown an old tired list...a bucket list...things i wanted to do before i die but it seems kinda silly to compete with a time limit i dont even know or care about...make a quilt, hike the appalachian trail, learn to swim....on and on...some i have done...some in my heart i know i wont bother with really...

so i quit my bucket list...been quiting things for months that no longer fit with my happiness...then i thought of another list...of fun big small things...ones that make life interesting...gets me revved up again after years of winding down or feeling like i had no dreams to replace the hacked to pieces dreams or ones who died in their sleep...

i wanted a vibrant list...full of snapping sparks...bubbling up with giggles...spilling over with joy...a dream bucket list...so i began my list this morning...some repeats from ones i already have done in life but worth repeating...others fresh out of my my brain bucket...here is some of my list...

1. bury a treasure chest of fun stuff and leave a map for a random stranger to find:)
2. rent a cotton candy machine...have a blast making cotton candy and giving it away...
3. artwork in a bottle thrown out into the ocean...
4. build a cardboard fort and play in it...
5. explore more parks and keep a travel log full of nature finds/writings/drawings...
6. pan for gold...
7. build a treehouse town...
8. make a fairie gazebo with working lights...
9. draw more with my non-dominant hand (left)

so this is a partial list...it is fun to come up with ideas and things i find i would really like to do...gonna be fun to play with this dream-bucket list and enjoy the adventures to come...


(an old left hand drawing i did years ago)


Wednesday, June 5, 2013

the seed splits open...

great journey this morning...sometimes i have light ones and then boom...a big question gets answered...a tough issue gets handled...well the last few days i have allowed myself to wander around memories and thoughts and let my heart lead my journey topic...

being around my mom always brings stuff up in me...she has been a miserable human being all my life...she has used her children for strength...leaning on us as children in ways she never should have...she has been weak and fearful so much of her life...sickly from lack of self care...selfish in so many ways...she use to blame me as a teen that i was breaking up her marriage...there was rejection and threats...it was brutal...she would play mind games with me...emotional ones...destructive ones...she is at the tail end of her life...in a physical and emotional mess...i get glimpses of who she might have been...remembering she had moments to free herself and she backed down...she never overcame much of anything...she still feels unloved...she is still incredibly self absorbed...she is a glutton for attention and also with food...she still has addictions...she still tries to suck me in to her pit of sorrow and mind games...she ended up just like her mother...i am determined not to be like mine...

i have chosen friendships and relationships to ape the patterns my mom set firmly with me...of rejection...of never being good enough...when you are called a "weirdo" by your own mother as a young teen and threatened if you turn out "that way"...well it messes with a young person to feel that deep rejection...especially after earlier rejection and feeling unworthy of anyones love...but i made it all through that muck and mire...i slugged and cried and pushed and fell down again and again...i got lost...i forgot who i was...but i got up...my spirit always getting me up off my knees...moving me forward in the dark...calling me to the altar of infinite love...my higher self never gave up on me...

i have worked hard at all of it all these years...therapy...self work...a spiritual evolution...

mom still causes anxiety and anger to rise up in me but then i pick it up as if it were a coin and i turn it over...on the other side of this coin is peace and compassion...i go through alot of coins each day with her...i know she is twisted...i know she stayed in her darkness...i forgive her...i love her and have compassion for her...she got wounded too...how could i not see through to the being behind all her human mess...this is the greatest gift she ever gave me in fact...she taught me compassion and how to love humanity...even in their darkness...

her behavior got into me early on...her actions impacted me greatly and at a very young age...but this was the grit of suffering which created the pearls of wisdom in my life...i understand things about myself and why i do what i do...i dont hide out from any of it like she has...i run towards it...ready to create another pearl...

this morning in my journey a new guide worked with me...she was someone i met many years ago...she was selling jewelry in sedona then...we spent a great day together learning from each other...there was such an ease with her...a deep mutual respect...i have often in life felt such disrespect directed at me...i remember that day and the grace of it...the kindness...the discussions...i am glad she is here now and i know she is my summer guide...i know interesting things are about to happen...and i have her support and others...

this morning it was about relaxing my body...i tense up and get so much stress churning...i build walls and protection...i am getting weird about food and my body again...mom said i looked like a hillbilly the other day...it landed in me and nested for half the day...learning in greater measure not to take anything from anyone into me...she...in her way...is my greatest teacher...in learning to block her stuff i will never let anyone get inside me with their disrespect again...when i say i have had a belly full of all of that i see the proof in how suffering grows from the mind and hits the body hard...my mid section has long been a pit of sickness...time to finally deal with it and my body image...time to take that human part to spirit and heal...to close the parts of me letting all the negative crap in...

i felt it the other day when mom called me a hillbilly...i felt it in the pit of my stomach...and i realize it is all stored there...all the years of hurtful words i swallowed...i digested...but this morning i sat with my new guide...

she took me to the desert...into a  hogan...she wrapped me in a blanket and fed me...she sat holding  my hand...it was a simple moment yet intimate and gentle...we talked...like we had all those years ago...and now i know how to close those places in me that get sickened by others...i not only take in others hate but their illnesses...i feel there pain...now i know how to not take it in and this is a practice i will take up...

and i am receiving spiritual healing for my body issues too...a peaceful process and one i have tried to find for a very long time...i remember when i journeyed to god the things i tried to not remember about all of it came back...i accept it all and this makes for great healing...

when you find the courage to look at it all...to get the "bigger picture" you find self forgiveness to be so much easier...for you see the dysfunctional ways you tried to protect yourself...and you see how and when ego first gained the upper hand and caused even greater harm...freeing yourself of ego is easy if you are willing to look at your life...in every nook and cranny...to say yes i did this and it was horrible...but it is forgiven...i am human and flawed and was broken and wounded...i can forgive myself...i can let go...i can walk forward clean and at peace with it all...some may not forgive you...some may not understand why you did what you did...but you do and you can hold the peace to you or allow the judgement and punishment of others rob you of your peace...i choose peace...i choose happiness...i choose love...

 
the seed is splitting open



Tuesday, June 4, 2013

morning's glory

quit quit..let go let go...go with the flow...live in the now...now you see it now you dont...seamless stream of here and here and here...and now...the anger rises up like a fire monster...hot and wild and ready to rip...the ocean comes and calms the flames...quiet quiet...quiet the rage...the walking wounded walks away...done with the old...done with the worn down worry stone grinding her to pieces...tired to the bone...she has exhausted all the paths...dead ends every single one of them...turn around go back...try another...and another and another...dead ends...some brutal and some were boring but all of them didnt get her home...then...then...then she turned around in herself...she quit the longings...she quit the resentments...she quit the hopes and shored up dreams...she went deep...down down down...under the lower world...down and down until down became up and out and beyond...until the inner world became so huge she found the silence...and the light...and the eternal now...the place where there is no time...no place...no regrets...only love...and she looked into the face of god and said yes...yes and yes and yes...to all her missteps...all her twisting away...and there in that place she reached out and found the original wounding...bathed it in the light of love...coming back and going in and coming up and landing in her own body again...

worthy...enough...a warrior finding peace after all battles are done...

this is the beautiful greening of her life now...the soft tendrils rising up...wrapping thin fingers around branches and rocks...this is her blooming...this is her summer...she is the mornings glory waking up...