would you like a little whine with your meal?

so i whined a little to myself today...i chuckled at the funk i found myself in..."oh hey funk...i havent seen you in weeks...how ya been?"...and eeyore's voice popped into my head and answered me back..."oh i have been ok i guess...just fine...i guess"...

it all started when i went to the grocery for a couple of things i forgot to get on my return to my apartment after weeks away...i hit the produce aisle and saw the watermelons...i should get one!...and then it smacked me hard and socked me in the gut...i cant buy a whole one...i live alone now...i dont think i have ever had that happen in my life...i have always had someone by my side...for so very long...but now...no whole watermelons...and i choked back tears and walked away from it...three aisles over i stood for a moment...looking at a row of saints candles...i had to center myself and get real about the darn watermelon...so i dont have anyone to share it with...ok...i can still buy watermelon and it doesnt have to be sad...i can suck it up and go buy a quarter of one...there...i decided...i walked over and picked it up and carried it in my basket...i found the couple of items i needed and got in line...i looked at the wedge of pink juiciness sliding down to the cashier...a cheery color...succulent...it was ok i told myelf...

and it is ok...it is in the fridge...i am saving it for tomorrow...

funny how it has been over a year now and yet there are moments when i forget how alone and on my own i am...i dont forget how much i dislike it...lol...i am a nester...a libra...i like being in a home with voices and activity and the presence of another...a beloved...but my life isnt that right now...and i am finding this deep sense of gratitude rise up in me...i appreciate my own courage at facing life as it is...and feeling tender about it...not angry or questioning why me...not pushing myself into places that arent good for me...not forcing myself into anything to not be alone...i mean i do like me and hanging out alone isnt horrible...it just isnt what i like...not my first choice...i had to really come to terms with that...i am ok with me being a mushy nester type...yet i am alone right now and finding it a good lesson...for now...lol...

i am thankful for the person i am and the goodness of my own humanity towards myelf...i love that i am kind to myself...and in turn it softens me to be kind to others...i touch spirit with all in this world of singular humans who long to feel as one...

i do feel connected to everything tonight and yet i feel my own singular existence...it is precious...it is wonderful...my heart...my soul...my humanness is as succulent and sweet as the lovely quarter moon of watermelon waiting for me in the fridge...

i am happy...