a warrior is never a victim...

liberating myself from more and more suffering by looking at it all with mr. spock eyes...studying it...understanding the equation of it all...giving it to god with a toss and a laugh...i cant figure a dang thing out myself these days...the whole of it is senseless...and it makes a fool out of me to keep on trying to navigate a cesspool when if i step to the right and walk down a path there is a spring fed pool...clear sweet water of redemption...

so i quit...more and more and more...giving up...letting go...realizing i was holding on to things that arent real anyway...

i told myself stories and wanted them to be real...but the stories are done...i know who loves and respects me and who doesnt...i know who fakes their lives and who lives it with truth and with an open heart...a fearless warrior is easy to spot...they arent plastic action heroes...and now i accept love often isnt love when it is offered up to me...it is ownership or selfish insecurities wrapped in shiny lures to hook me and hurt me...folks walk around faking it...their open hearted words are actually plastic mass produced false truths they regurgitate from classes and books and gurus who strut around like peacocks...

mr. spock cocks an eyebrow and remarks about it all..."fascinating"...and i listen...but it is all he says...

so it is...an end...a dead end of thoughts and feelings...

and now i happily return to where i started long ago...before i was unplugged...before the cord of hate choked me and tried to kill my spirit...

BTW...Before The Wounding...i didnt care about being loved...i was love...i didnt worry about getting it right...when it just was an experience...i laughed and cried and wasnt ashamed of either...i held out my hand easily when asking for what i needed...and refusing what i didnt like with a humorous sour faced NO...when each birdsong was sacred and each touch kind...when i wasnt polluted by others and the only judgement i faced was...well...none...i lived in the moment and yet i didnt know what time was...for i was a newborn to the earth...with my mission...an easy one...be love...

it was the beginning of life...the gold thread of moments weaved together...to clothe my soul with light and comfort me in still moments at each lifting of dawn and sway of sunset...i was loved by god and all the light beings and humans around me...i felt it flowing through me and out of me...it was like liquid sunshine...it fed my spirit and everyone elses...

yet like many humans there was the wounding...the unplugging...the suffering...the forgetting...little by little understanding there were rules...there was conformity and the narrowness of minds around me...some people were loved and others werent...some had this new thing called "all the time in the world" and others had only a few seasons of time...some were abused and some were the abusers...

love was always rationed and came with conditions...hearts were closed off and hate fed many bellies...touch was wrapped in fists and words were filled with thorns...punishment spoke up...praise was kept silent...some were worthy of respect and dignity simply because of money or the color of their skin...vulgarities and violence were romanticized...kindness and goodness were belittled...you were strong if you pushed and competed with others...you were weak if you gave and offered up what you had to give...

and now i see it all...the harshness and the softness of this world...the haters who spread the seeds of fear and cheer as it grows...i see the lovers who offer up peace and kindness...who do their best and yet are trampled in a lusty stampede of selfish unconscious zombies...

i mourn for those who have closed off their hearts and stayed unplugged...i wish for them to feel the warmth of infinite love...but i will not wade into the cesspool of their celebrated suffering any more...they are drowning yet dont see they pull others down with them...a closed heart is such a dangerous thing...and i for one am not going to drown in  another persons ignorance any longer...

it is time for me to close a book on this life and enjoy the rest of life outside the book...in paintings and in walks and in days by the ocean...outside the book in joy and in the sweet sips of a spring fed pool which washes over me gently and cleanses the debri of others suffering out of me...

above the pool the sun sifts through trees and spills over the water in coins of light...

i am here in it...baptizing myself...a christening...fully plugged in...drifting as a newborn...floating in the womb of my own rebirth...the months and years and all of it gone...the struggle and the sorrow and the longings lifted...the breaths i take now are clear and full of life...here in this fresh summer breeze my eyes open anew...my hands reach out...i am love...