being around my mom always brings stuff up in me...she has been a miserable human being all my life...she has used her children for strength...leaning on us as children in ways she never should have...she has been weak and fearful so much of her life...sickly from lack of self care...selfish in so many ways...she use to blame me as a teen that i was breaking up her marriage...there was rejection and threats...it was brutal...she would play mind games with me...emotional ones...destructive ones...she is at the tail end of her life...in a physical and emotional mess...i get glimpses of who she might have been...remembering she had moments to free herself and she backed down...she never overcame much of anything...she still feels unloved...she is still incredibly self absorbed...she is a glutton for attention and also with food...she still has addictions...she still tries to suck me in to her pit of sorrow and mind games...she ended up just like her mother...i am determined not to be like mine...
i have chosen friendships and relationships to ape the patterns my mom set firmly with me...of rejection...of never being good enough...when you are called a "weirdo" by your own mother as a young teen and threatened if you turn out "that way"...well it messes with a young person to feel that deep rejection...especially after earlier rejection and feeling unworthy of anyones love...but i made it all through that muck and mire...i slugged and cried and pushed and fell down again and again...i got lost...i forgot who i was...but i got up...my spirit always getting me up off my knees...moving me forward in the dark...calling me to the altar of infinite love...my higher self never gave up on me...
i have worked hard at all of it all these years...therapy...self work...a spiritual evolution...
mom still causes anxiety and anger to rise up in me but then i pick it up as if it were a coin and i turn it over...on the other side of this coin is peace and compassion...i go through alot of coins each day with her...i know she is twisted...i know she stayed in her darkness...i forgive her...i love her and have compassion for her...she got wounded too...how could i not see through to the being behind all her human mess...this is the greatest gift she ever gave me in fact...she taught me compassion and how to love humanity...even in their darkness...
her behavior got into me early on...her actions impacted me greatly and at a very young age...but this was the grit of suffering which created the pearls of wisdom in my life...i understand things about myself and why i do what i do...i dont hide out from any of it like she has...i run towards it...ready to create another pearl...
this morning in my journey a new guide worked with me...she was someone i met many years ago...she was selling jewelry in sedona then...we spent a great day together learning from each other...there was such an ease with her...a deep mutual respect...i have often in life felt such disrespect directed at me...i remember that day and the grace of it...the kindness...the discussions...i am glad she is here now and i know she is my summer guide...i know interesting things are about to happen...and i have her support and others...
this morning it was about relaxing my body...i tense up and get so much stress churning...i build walls and protection...i am getting weird about food and my body again...mom said i looked like a hillbilly the other day...it landed in me and nested for half the day...learning in greater measure not to take anything from anyone into me...she...in her way...is my greatest teacher...in learning to block her stuff i will never let anyone get inside me with their disrespect again...when i say i have had a belly full of all of that i see the proof in how suffering grows from the mind and hits the body hard...my mid section has long been a pit of sickness...time to finally deal with it and my body image...time to take that human part to spirit and heal...to close the parts of me letting all the negative crap in...
i felt it the other day when mom called me a hillbilly...i felt it in the pit of my stomach...and i realize it is all stored there...all the years of hurtful words i swallowed...i digested...but this morning i sat with my new guide...
she took me to the desert...into a hogan...she wrapped me in a blanket and fed me...she sat holding my hand...it was a simple moment yet intimate and gentle...we talked...like we had all those years ago...and now i know how to close those places in me that get sickened by others...i not only take in others hate but their illnesses...i feel there pain...now i know how to not take it in and this is a practice i will take up...
and i am receiving spiritual healing for my body issues too...a peaceful process and one i have tried to find for a very long time...i remember when i journeyed to god the things i tried to not remember about all of it came back...i accept it all and this makes for great healing...
when you find the courage to look at it all...to get the "bigger picture" you find self forgiveness to be so much easier...for you see the dysfunctional ways you tried to protect yourself...and you see how and when ego first gained the upper hand and caused even greater harm...freeing yourself of ego is easy if you are willing to look at your life...in every nook and cranny...to say yes i did this and it was horrible...but it is forgiven...i am human and flawed and was broken and wounded...i can forgive myself...i can let go...i can walk forward clean and at peace with it all...some may not forgive you...some may not understand why you did what you did...but you do and you can hold the peace to you or allow the judgement and punishment of others rob you of your peace...i choose peace...i choose happiness...i choose love...
the seed is splitting open
No comments:
Post a Comment