Wednesday, July 31, 2013

loves offering

i turn back the clock to tune into my most happy time...mountains moonlight and possibilities...i was sooooo in love...eating birthday cake with our hands...i was sooooo much younger then...love notes and poetry...hours in a tangle...caught in showering laughter...held in peaceful thoughts...

learning to hold a paintbrush once again and face the canvas of my life...my beloved muse smiled at me with such delight...

taking it slow...the minutes towed me up the stairs and into her arms...

i let my immortal soul rise up...so delicious to taste all my hopes and dreams on those lips...and look into anothers eyes...and lose my body of fear...

tonight i sit with salt, a bottle and lime...i raise a shot 3 times...1 for the child who didnt make it out alive...1 for the woman who survived...and 1 for the never ending grace of love...

i am more than this cage of bones but i feel so human tonight...wings wont come to fly me away...i am earthbound yet i see with eagle spirit eyes...my sight is directed in and out into the future life...i see it as one different than i thought it would be...last year was the tower falling...sisters setting fire to everything...cackling crones crushing the bones of all my trust...

closed hearts are the death plague...and yet i understand what death really is...the tower falling is just a structure that needed to come down...and fear was all it was built on...the ground was never sacred...

i am grateful for the destruction...it leads me to this night...it sits me here and gives me victory over all the darkness closed hearts weave...i sit and am filled with inspiration...i feel the song of life rising up in me...this is the yawp...the mighty cry of victory...

love lives on for dancing eyes and the soft flight of hands...love will nest inside this heart for my beloved muse...i paint now and hold my brush with a stiffer grip...yet when i think upon that first kiss i am young again...

i will build a temple this hour...one filled with pure light...that noone can pull down or burn away...this temple is to honor the soul of my love...this temple placed within a sacred heart...loves endless offering...


 

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

no egg on my face...

The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”~Camus
 
yesterday was one of the hardest days i have had to experience in some time...alot just hit the fan...a big emotional day after a build up of alot of stuff that just kept coming up in me...stress and loneliness and being the most broke i have been for the longest stretch of time...the positive part of myself being my anchor through the day showed me just how beautiful the human spirit is...even in the toughest spots yesterday i let the light and the love find me and flood me...having a constant connection to the unseen is so grace-filled...i just asked for the strength to simply go through the day as lovingly as possible...keeping my heart open and just walking the path...towards the end of the day i was fierce...
 
i attempted to buy my dad a birthday card again yesterday and found it such a hard thing to do...started crying in the store and walked out....dont even know why it has been hard...maybe the cards just are too loving and thankful...i cant say thanks for being there or for having my back...he rarely did...he treated me like a sibling he fought with and not a dad...as a teen and adult he hugged me once because mom made him...i cant recall him ever saying i love you...now he lays in a hospital bed at my brother and sister-in-laws home...i dont know if he has much more time on the planet...he seems bored but happy to be surrounded by family...i feel a deep compassion for him and how his life is winding down...i think if he had his life to do over again knowing how it ends he would have done it differently...he spent many years very unhappy with his life i know...
 
maybe this is what is getting to me...what unhinged me yesterday...i have spent many years unhappy with my life...just floating through it...uninspired and feeling very disrespected by others...that was him...he was often sighing and bored with his home life...he was definitely not respected by my mom and others when i was growing up...he would go to church sometimes and take a preaching gig...he was actually good at it...i remember him telling a story about folks walking around on eggshells...
 
"folks walk around on eggs all the time...wobbling and trying to stay upright...at work and school and at home...with friends and relatives...you can try to do the right thing and someone is always there to push you over...those eggs will always get you...you will fall and get covered...egg all over your face...but what if you stomp your feet and walk with the power of god's word and not the fear of other peoples words...how would that change things to listen to god?"
 
as he was telling the story he would tip toe and do a mime act of walking on eggs...then he would fall over and get up pulling a hanky from his back pocket to wipe the egg off his face...he would stomp and jump up and down smashing imaginary eggs...when he asked the question he would say it softer and softer...three times...how would it change things to listen to god? 
 
it was one of his best preachings...it stuck with me...i see him jumping up and down...rattling the old church windows in one of those simple white clapboard buildings out in the country...the modest steeple and three steps up...no wheelchair ramps back then...we still believed in miracles back then...a pile of crutches at the side of the stairs where sinners came in and earth angels walked out...
 
he would have been happy to be a preacher...to inspire folks...to get his ego fed...to get attention and a big family of the faithful...but he was afraid to fight for his dream...mom didnt like it...and he needed a wifes support to take that step into doing the work...he didnt make the leap of faith he wanted others to make...he didnt listen to his own heart...but he did take lunch breaks in the city years ago and witnessed to folks...he preached in his own way i guess...though i think he would have been a much happier fulfilled man if he had followed his heart and had himself a country church...
 
instead he was often very unhappy...escaping into whatever drama he made for himself...my mom often didnt respect him...didnt see what he gave up to earn a better living and sell out his dream...they stayed together yet both of them really didnt step outside their comfort zones often...i think his grandson gave him alot of joy...the pictures i saw of them playing and the couple of times i saw my dad with his grandson playing...i see my dad happy to see this growing young man walk in the room and give him some attention when mom doesnt hog it...it is a beautiful thing to see the same shine in his eye as the one i saw when he stomped imaginary eggs...
 
i have lived a free life for most of my life...pushing myself out of my comfort zone again and again...but i started down the same path as my dad a few years ago...i gave up on my dreams...i think years ago in maine i gave up on them and got very lost...i let go of the things that mattered to me...i became so discouraged...
 
i looked up at the same sky yesterday i have always looked into...i felt the connection of all these years gone by...i did a water blessing behind an old mill...sending out love...the clouds were reflected in the dark face of the water...the clouds sailed through the water...waterlilies pocking the cloudy face with pads and flowers...
 
my thoughts were crowded...i watched a turtle pop its head up from the waterlilies...i sat on a bench i and sighed deeply...hearing it echo across the water...a sound wave of energy full of letting go...i inhaled love...
 
since maine 14 years have passed...that relationship is gone...i failed at another...i have lived alone now for a little over a year and hate it...i am struggling to pay off the last of a hospital bill and car taxes...i am painting with hands that feel like sausages...my fingers get so stiff from the work i have to run them under hot water and peel the paintbrush out of my hand...i always worried about my eyesight going but it is my hands giving out i now concern myself with...
 
i sat on the bench yesterday and felt the weight of the years and the heavy day push my shoulders down...i bent over and sobbed...it felt good to just let go for a moment before pulling myself together for journey group...
 
journey group was amazing...before we started i drew a small drawing and wrote over it: eliminate the resistance...the words just came up in me...i smiled...i was listening to god...
 
we did the journey and the topic was about letting things fall away...well if that wasnt a sign to eliminate resistance i dont know what else would be...so i journeyed...and i did...i felt the flow of love washing my resistance away...i felt the power of love lift me up...i felt my warrior courage rise up...the passion to heal fill my heart...i was on fire...i wanted redemption...i stomped those damn eggs...i was being prepared to do a big releasment...to reclaim a part of myself i had let go of so very long ago...as a child...
 
in the first journey we did i went to the middle world and saw my aunt del...she was visiting my aunt gerl's land...she was killing chickens for dinner...she took me with her and she taught me how...pick it up and snap its neck by whipping its body...i tried it...it was easy...she said the chicken doesnt struggle if you dont struggle...and it was true...you just pick it up and whip it...see the chicken is in the flow already...just like all of nature...it has its purpose and it just is...a frog eats a fly...a fox chases down a rabbit...a human kills a chicken for dinner...there is the chase but that is just one part of it all...the fly tries to escape...so does the rabbit and chicken...but in the end there is a letting go...a moment of relaxing into death...a surrender...and then it is transformed...it becomes something else...and they somehow just know to let go...the chicken relaxes into its death...
 
i am the chicken that has been running around fighting it...my aunt del said in the journey to not fight it..."they want to break you then break all the way" and i got it...dont resist...see where it takes me after i break the rest of the way...become new...
 
and so after years of it all i stopped...in the journey i was the chicken...my neck was snapped...i fell into darkness...yet there i saw the light come to me...it has always been there...flowing...with all the answers...with all the ancient knowing...the infinite waves of consciousness...i was standing there in it again...and when i came out of the journey i saw all the bullshit thicker and more repulsive than before...my own and everyones...and i dont want it touching my life any more...
 
in the second journey we did in group i went to the cosmic door and opened it...and there i entered a place of my childhood where i was treated horribly...i went up to the adult treating me with such immense cruelty and i put an end to it...i felt empowered...i got back my dignity at last...i got all those years of potential back...they started regrowing vitality in me...a new configuration of strength is rooting in me since then...i have been preparing myself for it....and it is growing...i felt it late last night...i sense it this morning...
 
and i have to smile...i think of my dads egg story and had a journey with chickens in it...and here i am this morning boiling eggs for breakfast!...life is so crazy and so surreal and so interesting...i feel the shift from yesterdays roller coaster ride of emotions to this calm morning...i drummed for a friend earlier...i meditated on self respect...i washed my smiling face and baptised my day with a prayerful song...
 
i sipped my coffee and looked around this apartment...the props i am not attached to...the paintings finished and half done...i pick up my drum...i journey again...to god...to listen...
 
the walls fall away and there is the sun and the clouds and the treetops...the breeze carrying in the scent of some unknown flowers....i am flying high...over buildings...making my way to the ocean...the the open waters...to an island where god sits in the form of a small girl...she is tanned and sitting like a tomboy...she is letting sand sift through her fingers...she is happy to see me...i ran up and gave her a hug...we walked up the beach holding hands and talking about silly things...
 
she points to a cloud shaped like a tiger...i pick up a shell and hand it to her...this place makes sense...full of peace...gently unfolding...i fill with love...in the distance there is confusion...people all tangled up fighting...they become seagulls fighting over a fish...they dont see the other fish flopping in the water...thousands of fish ready to be snatched up...they fight over this one...while one seagull is fighting with another a third one grabs the fish...it tries to fly away but another seagull pulls the fish away...the girl/god tells me to just stay focused and keep walking...as we walk through the seagulls i feel a tug to shift and become one too...but god squeezes my hand and keeps me focused...the seagulls keep fighting...the fish in the water are leaving...
 
down the beach i turn and see the seagulls as people again...they are still fighting for something...a scrap of paper they keep snatching away from each other...they want to know something but not share it with others...i smile at this...for i know what is written on the piece of paper they are fighting each other for...it is a single word...love...
 
god sees me smiling over this...she starts laughing and running up the beach...i run too...the sun shining sweetly...the waves splashing into us...we are happy...
 
out of the journey i feel like i am stronger today than yesterday...not hassled by what i struggled with before...gonna eat my boiled eggs and finish my coffee...gonna go outside for a walk and listen to god today...
 
 
 
  
 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

there is no game...

so much is making sense to me lately...like you get one big piece of the puzzle that helps you put the rest of it together...you know? when you look at the jumbled mess and it suddenly has a noticeable pattern where before it just looked like chaos?

my big puzzle piece was when i journeyed to god...it was right there in that moment i saw everything lined up and spelled out...

a simple message...i am loved...

the rest is just our own torment we heap on ourselves and others...

i came back from that shamanic journey plugged in...oh a few times i almost unplugged again but this aint gonna happen! being plugged in is too important to me...

i still have folks who react to me the same way...they try to tell me how to feel or what they think i am feeling...they try to guilt me boss me or put me down...but i see it for what it is now...just their own game they play with themselves...and it makes me chuckle where i use to get mad or hurt and beat the stuffing out of myself for not being good enough...

now i see it all as power tripping and ways they try to control this game they think they are playing...but...there is no game...none...so many people push and pull at each other and get all grrr about things...they build an obstacle course around their heart...they lay down mindfields and we wont even go into all the other crazy game props and the endless shifting rules...but in the end there is no game...

people think there is only so much to go around so they snatch up as much as they can and hoard it all for themselves...occasionally doling out crumbs so they can taste their own power...but here is the other thing i know...the good stuff pie is as big as we all need it to be...it is a really really really big pie...enough pie for god to eat off of for a gazillion years...that is big huh? yet we hoard love and money and time and happiness and affection and well all the good stuff as if there is only enough for a few...and then the few gets whittled down to the point you think there is only barely enough for you...silly huh?

and then there is time..."i dont have the time"...yes you do...there are just some people more important to spend time with...some events more important to you than others...no problem there...it is just that silly phrasing "i dont have the time"...sure you do...you have 24/7 just like me...but the game tells you to hide all truths...to create facades and plastic decoys of emotions...honesty and integrity dont win you the game...right? generosity and kindness make you a weak player...right?

but remember...the game isnt real...you cant win it...you can just be controlled by the inventor of the game...

i am finding bullshit everywhere because folks are over thinking things and trying to stay two moves ahead...so they assume things rather than just let things be...i have done this...it is part of the game...i am learning not to...i dont know if i am becoming jaded or just see how tedious so much of life has become...but the whole thing is part of the game and the game is so nonproductive...

ego gobbles up so much of our happiness...it loves the game...it wants you addicted to it...it invented the game...it gives you sips of power and you get hooked....you need to know everything and every one's motives so you can play the angles and win at the game...but it is a game that never ends...and nobody wins...everybody in fact loses...well except for the ego...ego gathers up more and more power and adds it to the darkness of the world...the light and happiness are diminished...suffering grows...the world falls into darkness and great sorrow...

i am seeing through my own BS and others so clearly and this makes my ego and other folks egos freak out...cant have any witnesses you know...those still playing the game hate witnesses...they want you to participate in their dysfunctional addiction to the game...

the wizard ego is only as powerful as the illusion you help it create...the curtain needs to stay drawn so the little ego man behind it can keep pulling the levers...but if you can just reach out...reach past the game and touch the curtain...pull it back...look...you will see the little ego man pulling the levers...and then you might see something else...the fear in his eyes...and then there is something else you might see...

as you look back over your shoulder you might see all the other people playing the game right along with you...and then beyond them...beyond the sea of hungry ghosts you just might see the emerald city...it is in the heartland of happiness...

if you walk in and climb the stairs you might see one more thing...one of the most remarkable things you might ever see...you will see a portal to another place...beyond the beyond...and there in pure love you will meet god...in a place with no judgement and no fear...with no religions or dogma...with a full embrace of who you are...an embrace of pure love so breathtaking you will never forget how it feels to be loved so deeply...and you will plug back in...you will never want to be unplugged again or play the game for even one more second...

i hope this for everyone...that you stop playing the game and find the love...let it plug you back in...let it help you know when you are getting ready to unplug...alarms will go off...you will feel you are losing the connection and you wont want to do things the way you use to do them...you will see through all the BS this world can fling at you...ego will not have the horrible grip on you ever again...you will be free...not without moments of challenge and human events of sorrow...but you will have the pure and full access to the flow of love...it will assist you in navigating this human realm like you have not experienced since you were a very young child...before you became unplugged...

i hope this for you...more than anything else i hope you stand in the presence of this immense love and plug back in...




Monday, July 22, 2013

one word left...

i send words out to you...slipped into the silence...hanging there like stars...waiting to be touched...this is the part of me i give to no other...the gift...a sacred incantation to make me visible and understood...but i know even before i send these soft notes from my heart they are not seen as anything but a plain string of shells or a pile of old bones...you do not see the gift...the vulnerability...the humility...you see the waste of time in reading my words...there is no celebration...no blessing...i bother you with my drivel do i?

words lose meaning when they are not read...they implode like stars and empty out of all their wonder...there is no joy...no embrace...

there it is...you have conquered the heavens...you have turned the angels mute...the muse has struck down the artist...i am empty of all my stars...

i am relieved to be beyond the beyond...i have to smile at this...i always thought hell was warmer...but it is actually quite cold...and dark...and wordless...and even now i have to admire the heartless muse...the star killer...the master of the heavens...it must be an amazing power coursing through your icy veins...you slay hearts with bone crushing silence...you break spirits with your indifference...i wish i had just one drop of your powers...i would finish all of this that you enjoy tormenting like a cat with a mouse...how is it even possible i am still worshiping you? but i am...perhaps there is the cosmic joke...the bruising punchline...the trickster smiling...but i sit in darkness patiently...for artists often go mad and in their madness find the truth...i want that truth...and in truth is the word...and the word shall set me free of you...

Sunday, July 21, 2013

hands....


sometimes i look at my hands and remember them as they looked when i was four...holding a fat blue pencil or wading my fingers through a cup of chocolate milk...i remember my hands holding a piece of butter bread or clutching a toy car...the small hand of child should not have to make a fist and hit her own daddy over the head so he will stop hitting her mommy...and that small hand should not have had to wipe her own tears away when she was afraid...

but we live in a world of suffering...and small children get hurt and it isnt right but it is what happens...and that child grows up trying her best to be a good person...to make a decent life for herself...to belong...but in the palm of her hand the lines are etched deep...the ones she cant seem to erase...and no matter how hard she tries or what she does the lines always stay the same...

i read these lines in my palm this evening...i see it all so clearly...my little hand...my aging one...same lines...same outcome...only that little girl deserved a better chance and more love than she was ever given...she didnt deserve scraps or seconds or leftovers...she shouldnt have had to work twice as hard to get even a small taste of a good life...she should have been showered with love...as an adult she was good and kind and worked so hard yet it was never good enough for those rationing love to her...

so here she is...palms up...still giving thanks for the love which flows through her from the grace-filled source of love...

i reach back in time and kiss those sweet little hands and know i deserved better all along my way through this life...i still do...i love myself this evening...more than i have in a very long time...i am worthy...

attack of the sheeple

got this great idea for a movie...not a play...folks want movies...a netflix movie so you dont have to leave the couch but can eat your nuked popcorn and gulp your bev of choice...hopefully in plastic with some pretty splash of color and gmo fructopia syrup...anyway the movie...

picture the opening scene...zombie attack (gotcha already huh...yeah i know...cool...zombies cool...vampires drool)...so not just any boring brain rippin out zombie....sheeple...those fog faced grey big gutted sheeple who devour everything corporations tell them to devour...

then there are the do gooders who's only weapons are cardboard messages, recycling and meditation...but the secret weapon they got is being readied in the super secret lab...more powerful than glitter bombs and more deadly than free hug signs...

the secret weapon is being developed as a love interest between a lesbian teen sheeple zombie and a lesbian do gooder are developing...comic relief being supplied by a crazy drag queen do gooder uncle who pops in from time to time with sassy one liners and show tunes...i will call her aunty cristal because she gives bubbly kisses that tickle your nose...

well the lovers and aunty cristal are trapped in the lab but hard at work creating the super secret weapon while a corporate militia...we will call them black (bottled) water is searching the city block by block...sheeple consuming mindlessly dont even notice the camo thugs with their ironically penis shaped high powered gunny things strapped to their arms...aim and shoot boys...aim and shoot the leader of this clan of thugs sing song grunts as he bites down harder on his cigar-is-just-a-cigar...

do gooders on every block are mowed down...their cardboard shields no protection against those mighty penis...uh...gun bullets...

and the lab lesbians are hard at work after a musical dance dream sequence of a utopian world...aunty was awesome as the fairy godmother who turned haters into puppies and all the streets were paved with rhinestones...what a lovely perfect world...sigh...anyway...

the zombies are pounding at the lab windows...the black (bottled) water boys are busting down the doors...the last drop of cure stuff vaccine is dripping from the science tubes of bubbling brew...and then...

hmmm...well...oh so this vaccine is put in an recycled spray bottle...and when the crazy gun guys and sheeple bust through the do gooders mist them...music blasts from a giant boom box...barry manilow...something soft and mellow...mandy! that is a good one...no...better one..."i write the songs..."

the boys drop their penis guns...the sheeple drop their sheeple arms full of junk food and martha stewart magazines....all of them stop...in the name of love...before you break my arms...think it o o ver....yes it is the miracle cure...a spray that makes you so happy you want to dance...and the music to dance to...next up all abba tunes! and as the aunty twirls and sprays and the lesbian do gooder lovers kiss and spray...well the world is saved...but is it...

is it? well sequels are good...so how about in another lab the koch brothers are making an anti-happy spray that is sure to bring on a new herd of sheeple...

closing credits running...good tunes playing and all is right with your couch world..."dont worry...be happy"

Friday, July 19, 2013

the transformation of suffering...

there are lists people keep...i didnt consciously know it until last year...its kinda like the same as when you choose sides in school games...captains are chosen by the gym teacher and then the captains take turns choosing from the class to form two teams...

this is adult life...each person has a list and you put the best at the top and the least at the bottom...i didnt really want to know this...but it is true...a wife will put her partner thrid or fourth or fifth on the list and cause suffering to the partner...a friend may put you midway or lower...groups have pecking orders...on and on it goes...i look at the different lists i am on...i never rank first or even 3rd...often it is more like 8th or clinging to the bottom...i am not family or close friend or anyone's beloved...so there i am...sometimes it hurts when i look at people's lists...

i have beat the crap out of myself and blamed myself for not being good enough to be higher on the list...but i am feeling alittle numb about it all right now...oh i am lonely and it isnt easy...but i would rather be alone than be with folks who go down the list to find someone to be with and end up with me as a last choice...it would be nice to be thought of before the list is exhausted...but for some reason folks think it is fine to put me last...it is colleen and she is always there so i can put her off and enjoy so and so...she wont mind...

i sit through the holidays alone...i pretend i am ok with those who say i will call you tomorrow and we will do something but they dont call...it gets me into a funk when i think of how many times i have been uninvited to things...replaced by a family member...

sometimes i have been rejected all together...because i am a lesbian...or just because...and folks dont see that it breaks my heart just alittle bit more each time...because they dont know it has been done to me again and again i guess...

i tell myself next year thanksgiving will be different...next summer i wont be alone...but i am...and it hurts...and i stopped inviting myself or asking for time with others...i did this twice this week and am not asking any more...

now i make peace with it all...i have peace with this...because i have one thing i didnt have before...i have self respect...i have a self love...a remarkable compassion i give to myself...i wont close my heart or hate or resent...i wont be angry at all this...i do know my place now and it is often a lonely one...but i am ok...i am even grateful...others have it worse...i know this and so i am grateful for the grace of my own path and the love in my heart...this is part of life...there is great beauty and there is suffering...i choose beauty...

i put myself at the top of my list...and then write everyone elses name beside it...so this list turns into a banner of love...noone below or above...all equally important...special...loved...

this is what makes me a butterfly at last..this is what sets me free...this means i get to hang out with flowers and dance through the air...this is what makes me happy...



Thursday, July 11, 2013

jabber walking....

sitting under the tumtum tree the jabberwock comes stellfooling...eyes on fire and tail swillful...he blazes close to where i refuse to stand...there is no battle planned with this mass of scales and simmering breath...i am the wizzickal wondering one of wildling words of play...i will not lift a swiftly cramming sword...i will not stomp into the glossoming game...

i tongue tie him up in a not so frendistical way...no mercy no malice no mindcave of blaggingly bargas...the jabberwock falls to my feet in praise...

for this i know if i know what i know in all concoptional claggforn sway of songmosners hearts...i win for you to lose...you illiterate brute of bones...

i can mach the mech of marvelion thoughts up against any who cross my mind...jabberwock take to me in friendly fissel or find your gluzzing head unhinged and placed upon the highest branch of this tumtum...

beware the jabberwock? i say beware the tree...