i went to journey group last night and my mind wouldnt quiet itself all night...i finally gave up at 4 this morning and got up...continuing a journey from last night...
part 1 of the journey...drawing two cards from a shaman deck i got dancer of promise and dancer of joy....and so i journeyed on them...i was in a cave...my shaman guide was there...a fire's light dancing on the walls around me...i was angry but couldnt place the anger to any one event...she asked me what i was going to do with all this anger...i told her i wanted to stop feeling...she handed me a knife...i cut my hands with them...then i smeared the walls with my own blood...i was exhausted from the expenditure of emotions...i was sobbing...she came and held me but i shrugged her off...i couldnt stand the touch...the closeness too much...i got up and ran towards the fire...i leaped into it and was burning up...gone...into greyness...then back into the cave...shaman told me to look at the wall...i had drawn a huge tree of life...i wept in mourning of my own life and went into the tree...
part 2 of journey this morning...i was in the tree...high up...i heard fire all around me...the woods were on fire...the tree itself began to burn...but i was dead already and the fire didnt harm me further...the tree burned up...all around me was the standing remains of burned up trees...the tree of life stood taller than all others...rains came and flooded the land...washing away debris...the sun reappeared...blasting the earth with warmth and light...the ground began cracking in places...then it happened...thousands of seeds were born...green was reaching up...the trees shook and the black crust of burned "flesh" fell away...trees were greening...small fists of green leaves unfurled and opened up...the tree of life blossomed with soft and fragrant pale pink flowers...birds came and built nests...i was still in the tree...a large nest appeared and i got into it...slept...woke...reached out to the fruit that had been born from the blossoms...ate my fill of it...i was not happy or sad or angry...i was...well i was blank...as if i too was newly formed...
~*~
these days i live now are very difficult...i cant say it is the struggle to earn a living in an economy still tanking...i cant say i am uninspired because my curiosity is still there to understand and to learn...i think it is boredom...sounds odd but i think it is a level of tedious same old same old...i feel like i am bored by my own struggles and by others patterns...so many people seem so stuck...in the same old patterns and tedious reactions to things...maybe this is what it is...and it isnt that i am angry...it is...???... i am impatient...i know time is running out...the trees are on fire and no one wants to know it...the earth is being destroyed and yet everyone is still consuming like there is no end to it all...mountains of plastic and garbage...waste...gluttony...and i am sad for it all...is humanity even worth saving...no...i feel like we are not worthy of the beauty we are destroying and i want to feel differently...i want to be able to say yes...i want to feel hopeful for my own life and others...but everyone is so unhappy and dysfunctional and destroying the world...and i am too...i am polluted by this world too...we are feasting on all the wrong things while starving to death...
i am burned up and tired...so very tired...i sit in the tree and rest...will the green stay or just fade again and again...i am tired of the cycle of grey to green to grey to green...i need it to remain green...and so this is my next journey...what must i do to remain in the greenness and let go of the grey? and where do i find the fruit to nourish me?
No comments:
Post a Comment