Tuesday, April 2, 2013

journey down a country road...

sat with a painting today before i let it go out into the world...a self portrait of me i painted more than 7 years ago now...i have looked at it many times...it was there through some tough stuff...looking back at me with a strong warrior presence...

it is time to let it go...and all my paintings...my walls are nearly bare...my studio is low on canvases and paints...soon i will be done with all of it...on to the next season soon...to summer and to the unknown of it rising up like some monolithic whale...dark and silent...soon breaking the surface...

all will be revealed...i can be patient...i can let it rise up...what i am to do and where i am to go...

i pulled on a flannel shirt today...a pale blue plaid like i use to wear as a teenager...i rolled up the sleeves and journeyed into the warrior painting...into the eye of it and into a world of green...walking the back roads in west virginia...it had just rained...the red clay mud sticking to my boots in clumps...i was wearing blue jean cutoffs halfway down my leg to cover up my big scar...and i had the flannel shirt on...sleeves unbuttoned and loose...my red baseball cap on...a backpack with lunch...a pb&j and a mason jar of water...

i walked by an old farm...the rain had filled the air with the scent of wet rust...dead trucks and cars littered the front of the farmhouse...an old dodge pickup was taken over as luxury housing for a couple of old dogs...they didnt even look at me...probably deaf and near blind at their age...one sat in the passenger seat...another at the wheel...staring forward as if they were waiting for someone to hop in the back before they headed out...

i kept walking...stopped at a creek and sat down...ate and watched the watery dance of tadpoles and minnows...a groundhog came up from its hole...looked at me...but i was alone in this walk...no guide...no company...i walked some more...donkeys in a field...the pulse of cicada breaking through the silence...the sharp sting to my nostrils from a crowded field of queen annes lace....

at last reaching the end of the dirt road...barbed wire and a sign saying no trespassing...but i climbed the fence...bouncing off the top feed of wire...rusty flakes of iron digging into my skin...no path to follow...no homestead...

the evening light coming in...a pink watermelon light blasting over the tall grass heads...

i climbed up on a ridge...rolling hills went from green to blue to purple...the sound of a lone owl came from close by...then as the sun slipped its last fingers of light down behind the hillside...one by one the lightning bugs turned on their lights...stars peeked through the sky in increasing numbers and a slither of moon appeared...

i built a small fire and let the night take me up into her soft embrace...

my guide came at last...my long gone brother...he was wearing his blue sneakers and striped shirt...his sears blue jeans and his blue baseball cap...freckles across his nose and twinkling eyes with thick eyelashes...he smiled and came to sit down beside me...

i told him what was going on with me...he knew and told me to not be afraid...i let him know i am not afraid of much these days...but i told him i am tired...too much has happened...i need some help...and he promised he would...he told me to trust in how things will unfold...to let it be as it needs to be...to not fight any of it...but to just walk with it all...like i had walked those country roads...we talked more...he was reminding me of things i had forgotten...things i need to remember now...trust he kept saying...hard to do when i dont trust...but then i suppose this is how i learn to trust again...or at least accept when trust gets wrecked...accept things as they are...make the best of what is...let my soul shine through my worries til they dissolve...

before i left the journey we watched the fire play with the darkness...and in the stillness we softly sang songs we use to sing together..."froggie went a courtin and he did ride uh-huh uh-huh...sword and a pistol by his side..."

out of the journey now i let it all sink in...the blessing of his visit...the stillness of this apartment...and i sing to myself those old songs we use to sing as night climbs in through the window...


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