for me lately i had struggled with relaxing into being around others as myself...as the person i have become...without hiding out...or feeling out of place...i feel like my odd brain and the way i communicate has kept me separate at times...
"there is colleen on her soapbox again"...what i would love to be an engaging discussion often turns into my brain moving my mouth at the speed of light...lol...and that doesnt mean i have anything intelligent to say..just alot...and the person gets annoyed with me...for saying "the wrong thing" or too much...and i then feel so outside of everything and frustrated with myself...because i am not conscious of it all until i have screwed up...my happiness and joy gone...
so in my journey comes a guide named lotus...who is a lotus but then shapeshifts into a young asian girl full of joy...
she surrounds me with flowers and is very happy to do so...she tells me to not worry so much...to just be myself...which bugs me because people tell me this all the time and then get annoyed by me when i am...she laughed and said do it anyway...they are just annoyed at something in themselves more often than not...i wouldnt agree with her...she began leaping on lily pads and moving away...i got frustrated...she came back and asked me what just happened...
i fought my teaching and joy moved away...so i listened to her as she showed me different moments when i annoyed folks...when i came in happy and strong and got down on myself when i annoyed someone with my excitement...then she showed me other times when someone appreciated me and my puppy self...so i had to look at why it upsets me to annoy the folks i do...and then i saw a common thread with those who i annoy...ahhhh...they are very rigid and hold back...i am too much for them...and i make them uncomfortable...so of course i am going to annoy them...duh...
but i also saw when my mind speeds up and works faster than alot of folks...but i am holding back more than i have and it is good to hold back at times...the lotus girl was helping me slow down when i started think too fast and too much...and held out flowers and the joy was there without thoughts...i llike this...being in the moment of joy rather than in the action or words of it...
and it was interesting after journey group...a person invited others to a water ceremony for the venus transit...i knew alot about this occurrence and yet i held back and didnt speak...it was interesting to watch how others collectively tried to explain it and share...it would have been easy to open my mouth and spill out all this information but it was nice to watch others share...i smiled in my place of joy...i was happy...i didnt have to step in and fix it or share...i just watched the moment...and maybe being still and present is simple joy...to give them space to connect with each other was cool...if i had spilled out information they would have missed out...and where is the joy in that...
i am learning...it is good...and i have a very sweet guide who seems to be the 2nd teacher in the waterfall teachers i have been watching for...north and east taken care of...now west and south...
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