(inside jokes always make me laugh...on the inside...which i am...laughing...on the inside...i have to laugh alot these days...on the inside...held together by endless collisions...smashing bumper cars of frantic cells)
a bird hit the window this morning...particles colliding...and i wondered if cartoon birdies flew around its head
(laughing...on the inside...inside my apartment)
i use to know so much more than i do now...but ignorance is bliss...i am growing more blissful each day as my brain is eaten away by the last of my evolutionary path...pathways narrowing...on the inside...white light vibrating...a harmony of humming energy...
(laughing on the inside at the grey matter turning to dark matter...its a cosmic thing...and i am laughing on the inside at another joke god and i have been running back and forth to each other)
my soul sees me as a carbon copy...this imprint is much lighter...lines blurred...the carbon specks more fuzzy after each run through...from dark to light...more copies to come...but not many more...
and here i am...the pop science junkie...from omni magazine and nova fed youth...smiling at the buzzing flies in my memories...i named each one einstein because they all looked the same and flew with the wild wonder of atoms circling the carcass diner...
the einsteins who kneeled at the altar of decay worshipping science in their own way...a chorus of buzzing...a holy feast...sin eaters...transforming death...
i feel the place in my brain that sizzles sometimes...an itch i cant scratch...fingernails-on-chalkboard annoying...i have to say my abc's so it goes away...or flex my hands...or tilt my head and think about the ocean...tricks...to distract my brain who hates numbers but gets stuck counting them...
my funny grey matter...
(laughing at me...on the inside)
i am unable to remember my phone number but i can recite the one i had as a child...i dont remember what i had for breakfast...but i know what i was eating when i was nine...when my dad had a tantrum and threw a pale blue plate against the wall...i remember the slide of spaghetti and the stain it made...which looked like the state of texas...but...what did i have for breakfast today?
patterns and numbers and photons and nothing matters...carbon and stardust...collisions...
a child takes your hand and you know there is a god because you can see god in the childs soul-filled eyes...a god so big in those eyes...a universe swirling there...dense...deep...expanding...
einstein buzzes across the room...less than the speed of light...but too quick for me to snatch him up...
particles colliding countlessly in this room...but my brain will not let me think about the endless counting...
i walk to the window...open it wide...einstein exits...i feel...nothing...matters...
(i chuckle...on the inside...another inside joke)
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