have you had that moment yet?...maybe in the middle of your midlife crisis when you realize the person who you wanted to spend your life with really could care less if you are there or not? or maybe it is the moment when your smart mouthed kid tells you to go F yourself? or when your boss treats you like a slave and not an employee? it is that moment when you completely die to it all and give up...where you just dont care any more...you sunk your heart and soul into something that was an absolute waste...
then after that moment you have the next moment...you take a look at what is left...how many years are left...who is left...what you are willing to put up with...and then the next moment is one of action...of getting up off your loser arse and throwing out all the broken promises and pathetic people in your life...slapping your 20-something across the mouth the next time they call you a name...or raking everything off your desk into the trash and walking out on your stupid boss...
what is it for you? the breaking point when you are sick of being sick of the same old tired worn out crap from your life and the crap others hand you?
for me it is like i have been an irish stew...my life slowly heating up til it is a rolling boil...scorching the bottom of the pot...bubbling over...the anger...the glorious anger of a ruined life...what a waste it has been but what a delicious freedom i feel tonight...
it snapped so easily...so clean and with only alittle pain...this evening...the struggle is over...i am free of giving a damn any more...i dont have to work so hard for only the crumbs any more...i dont want them...i dont need crumbs...people are too self absorbed to share a slice of happiness with me so keep your crumbs...no more leftovers to feel left out with...no more cheap meals while others feast...i am done with it all and the bitterness of it is leaving me tonight...
this life...it is just life people...it isnt even a speck...it is pointless and it is shameful now...this world we have collectively created...the violence...the hate...the rape of mother earth...humanity is a cancer eating this planet bit by bit...and we all know it...we all know in our guts what the outcome will be if we keep at it...and we are keeping at it...
i am rooting for nature...our best nature and the planets best nature...but like my dad use to say "nothing lasts and nothing matters...even the mona lisa will no longer be there some day"....i fought knowing that all these years...i fought alot of things...not any more...i started breaking and quiting and giving up last year...not in a depressed state but in a rational state...in understanding the world is very broken and full to the brim with broken people...
i saw alot of it very clearly last year...of how ego and especially women with rabid egos are killing this world...i mean many men can be brutes with their guns and bombs...but women had such a great calling to heal themselves and this world...to give birth to revolution on a scale that would be remembered for thousands of years...but i see what is happening everywhere now...women are now aping the brutish vulgarities...they are tearing it all down right alongside of men...their egos so busy defending their dysfunctions...and i have occasionally even joined in...i have watched women like my mother and other mothers over the years...passing on the disease to the next generation...the de-evolution of the feminine divine...and i know now that women are the death nail in all of this...and it is ok...my dad was right...nothing lasts...
and i wasted most of my life wanting something some of us just dont get...because nice people do finish last...so i finish last...that is fine too...i will paint and do my best to feel good about myself...be me...but that thing i held onto for so long...that hope i would be seen as equal to those around me...i dont care any more...reject me? put me down? make me less than you? well guess what...i AM more evolved than you....i would never do to a man woman or child what has been done to me...i deserve better but you dont have it in you...you are weak and a coward and are a waste of my energy...and i am free of you...
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