Thursday, September 12, 2013

re-birthday

another sleepless night...the summer closing out...fall coming...letting it all fall now...the last threads holding the old patterns together...time shifting and folding and coming in and out like the tide...as the moon grows fuller i know i am emptying out more...and i am completely surrendering to this death of the old...

last summers end was so different...i was full of hope...after being set free of depression and being healed of that long suicidal battle i felt so hopeful...my birthday was coming up...i was buying a 50th cake...went to a cake shop...felt so excited and playful...but as my birthday approached so many i had coming to the party backed out last minute or put me last on their list...it felt odd and yet i had some amazing friends show up and made it a great party...

the following day a sweat lodge in my honor though it was an odd experience and a huge unraveling...i wouldnt have known i was honored but for the mention of it...there was no prayer...no recognition...it just was...i went off to the side and made offering...drummed...called upon my ancestors...asked for their blessing and healing...it had been years since i had done a sweat...i felt a longing undefined...i felt my roots go deep into mother earth...i felt the other womens energies...some not good...some full of ego...it was an odd but profound moment of understanding how i was perceived...one person even called me by anothers name...it was startling yet i was seeing more clearly then and it was empowering...i actually felt a deep loss that night...yet a deep understanding...the learning of perceptions had arrived...i lost women out of my life then...it was also a lesson about who you can trust and just how to perceive things in life with clear sight and stay true to myself...

it took months to heal from but i am on the last bits of it as well...i will never look with rose colored glasses at others again...i will not trust or let folks close to me who do not respect me...i deserve more dignity than i was shown then...but i have learned just how dangerous closed hearts and fear-based lives are to others...a closed heart is the most dangerous thing a human can possess...i do not trust closed heart people to do right by me or anyone...they are into avoidance of pain...and in this great fear of feeling vulnerable they cause great harm to themselves and others...i will never again put myself into their cage...

i let myself become overly cautious for awhile...it was good to do...i also allowed myself to feel what i needed to feel without censoring myself...

this summer i got deep into it all...my childhood and all the drama of the adults around me then...the damage it did to me...i am finally healing it with such a grace-filled compassion towards myself and them...and in healing that past i am healing the suffering of last year and of brokenness...those relationships were simply the re-creation of chidhood players of drama..amazing to see it now...

i sit in my apartment tonight feeling as if i am nearly drained of my old life...my health not recovered yet i have faith i will come back up from it...the stress is leaving me and this usually helps me recover my health...this time i dont want to let the stress return...i can be done with it as i am done with depression...

i am seeing myself and others with a startling honesty now...i see the dysfunctions of others and how mine is triggered and activated by theirs...i was talking this week to someone who became annoyed with me talking...and i watched it as i was speaking...i didnt pull back...i stood in my own power...women have this thing they do....they want me to be more like a docile man and shut up...listen to them...let them boss me....but i dont...i am a lesbian not a pseudo man...i am talkative like women can be...i am insecure and emotional...i am a woman...duh...yet so many women i have had in my life see me as this she male thing...and it is to me a mistreatment because i am a lesbian...it hurts...i have even had to tell women i am a woman...literally remind them i have the same feelings as them...yet it seems to get lost on them and they go right back to the same old treatment....then i dont give them what they want and they definitely dont like it...

straight women sometimes treat men and lesbians in such a bossy pushy way...not allowing themselves to simply stand in their own power while not seeking power over another...i am the monkey wrench in their plan...i dont let myself be controlled or manipulated any more...i have my power back...and some women dont like a strong woman around them...it is a threat to their power...like i want to take something from them...when i dont...i actually want to see them succeed...i just dont want to get walked all over in the process or be manipulated into doing anything i dont want to do...

i set myself free of trying to please others and now i just please myself...it makes for a more peaceful life...

i am in the end game of my healing...a process that started when i turned thirty...my birthday is coming up...a little over 20 years of self work and i finally understand how i abuse myself and how i self sabotage and why...why i picked women as partners who werent in love with me with much passion and who would get so annoyed by me...my dysfunctions and their dysfunctions making it so painful for both of us...i get it all now...i was simply looking for a parent who would reject me while picking partners who would infact reject me...simple and yet a pattern too hard to break until i reached deep and got fully engaged with my childhood and the healing...

i still have a heavy duty bit of childhood to lay to rest...but i am doing it...and it is at once emptying me out and freeing me up...i do feel the labor pains of my own rebirth...i feel the ripping apart and burning away of all that childhood mess...and i feel i am making peace with the patterns repeated through my adulthood...still need to forgive and heal a couple of interactions with people in my recent past...and i will...i dont want to hold onto the hurt of it any more...perhaps it will allow me to move on and find love...true love...i know i deserve it...though i can also be a true love to myself now...and am...

i am stronger even as my body has taken on illness from all the stress of dealing with my dark parts fully at last...but i know this short run of illness and asthma will go away as i free myself more and step fully into my new life...the one i finally allow myself to have....

so tonight sleep is still not coming as i write this...nearly 2 a. m....so i am going to journey into my last threads...brave it...let myself dream of it...understanding more...and finding greater peace and healing...this fall is about harvesting my life's work and moving on into a new time...i feel so grateful for the work i have done and the help others have given me through these 20 years of work...i feel like celebrating a re-birthday this year...in nature perhaps...in the quiet unfolding of gentle hours...walking barefoot on the good earth...feeling the drumming of my own heart....this september is a blessing...i know this birthday will be so much more peaceful...opening wings...finding my way...free...










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