the gentle holding of my heart keeps me anchored to my art...my self work...my journey teachings...i am grateful for the fire and for the hearts crafting of a great tool for my life...i take each suffering moment of my life up to exam and transform it...it is as if there is a ringing sound of hammer to metal...and this i came to understand...the memory of the town blacksmith...the thrill of seeing the sparks as he struck the hammer to glowing metal...my journeys are coming together to create something for me...i am seeing it to the end...
(this morning)
most of last night and yesterday i was sifting through the stench and dirt of an old barn in my journey work...as well as a dirty apartment building my grandparents owned and i was constantly cleaning...i was reclaiming myself and reuniting bits and pieces of myself from my childhood and then adulthood...a cupful of tears that soaked the earthen floor...a torn shirt memory...healing all the bruises...pushing away the abuser as he lifted a belt, a piece of rubber race track, a fist, a pair of scissors...standing apart from a mother who wanted me to parent her and be her support instead of her being a strong mother...but she couldnt...she broke early on...when she didnt have the emotional use for me she would farm me out to my mamaw and aunt...but in my journey work i stopped myself from making it better for her...i let myself be a child and play...it was as if i had a rewind and did it differently...yet came away with the lessons of both paths...i feel stronger for this...
i am connecting the events of trauma like dots on a map...understanding my adult actions and who i came to be and how to remove the not good parts of who i am...
in this time of retreat i lost faith and hope in the world...in people...in myself...in the silence of others in my childhood...in the silence of others in my adult world...in the power and control games of my childhood...in the power and control games i see as an adult...in the roles others played in abusing me...
i would seek out abuse as an adult and teen to get the fix and the relief of the time after when the abuse would stop and i could just collapse...abused people know this trick...sometimes you collapse into illness...other times depression...but it seems to always follow a traumatic moment or an abusive situation...it is the addiction of abuse...you become addicted to the release and will suffer the drug of punishment to have it...a person is your bottle of pills...an abusive person...who will give you a dose of abuse...a fix...so you can sink low and fall through the bottom to the numbing silence of isolation you suffered but found relief in as a child...i know...
it is a miserable thing to know how much i have hurt myself using others...but i know now...and i know not to as well...stopping myself as i reach for a bad relationship...an abusive situation...a dysfunctional person who will harm me...it has meant stopping contact with everyone for awhile and looking at what i do...and what they do...and seeing who to be around and who will just give me a fix...i now understand...it hasnt been until last night that i fully understand my trigger and when i pull it...this self inflicted wounding as i use another persons dysfunction...it feels so good to know completely...finally...
i have to thank that violent childhood of adults dancing their dysfunctions and fears over the children in their lives...you made me who i am today...one who sees through all manner of bullshit...who carries anger in her and is now transforming it into something greater...i can now protect my spiritual self and defend myself from anyone who wants to reach in and harm the vulnerable places in me...
i didnt become you...i am not weak and fearful...i dont hide out...what you see is what you get...i am stronger than anyones hate...i am more empowered than anyones punishment doled out in gossip or rejection...i am smarter than your game and politics of power and control...i am more than your ego's bullying...i am braver than your negative energy and dark thoughts...
i am all sides of me now...the peaceful and the angry...the light and dark...the body and spirit...the female and male...the earth and air...the fire and water...
i am no longer a ghost of my own life but a fully fleshed out human with a spirit that never broke...and a heart that never closed...righteously angry but cunning in how i react...never weak and silent again...no ones fool...not even my own...
and to those who harmed me...i forgive you...and thank you for the suffering you helped me create...i didnt know fully what i was doing to myself until now...and what you were helping me to do...it was all about transforming the pain into something greater...with each blow...with each mean thought directed at me...with each cruel word spoken to me...with each abusive action and manipulation...you hammered a great sword in the fires of my own suffering...i am a stronger warrior and healer than i ever knew...
i lift this sword not as a weapon to harm anyone...but as a beacon of light for my own self and others...i didnt go into the darkness and burn up in the flames of suffering...i lifted my spirit high and let it create the most noble and righteous sword for healing...i transform my painful experiences with it...and in ending my suffering i add light to the world...
may you who suffer see the path out of it and walk that path with the strength of spirit and the fire of your own suffering transformed...
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