Friday, January 24, 2014

a brief visit...

i had the lovely company of a lady bug for days...for such a small creature she had such an impact on me...


you see she kept the loneliness away...her presence filled this apartment...sometimes she crawled up the curtain...or along the kitchen counter...i took a tubbie and she followed me...climbing along the edge of the tub...when i bent my leg and the knee came out of the water she flew to it...

i talked to her...outloud...in the stillness of this apartment my voice went soft when speaking to this wee one...

slowly i understood who she was and why she was here...she was someone visiting from long ago this lifetime...she reminded me i was once loved without struggle and with such deep devotion...that love never fell away from me...i have often felt it...

i have always found it odd...the words in and out of love...how do people fall out of love? once there is true love it is there and there to stay i think...i love who i love deeply...no matter what...the love was there and always will be...it will live on even as this body doesnt...love...true love simply is...this lady bug reminded me of love and its ever present grace...even in moments of struggle...love comes and lifts me up...brings me peace and comfort...

i have often felt unlovable...in the intimate sense...i certainly have had enough women tell me they arent in love with me...i have had enough who would not meet me in the middle and share their life with me...this part of me has shut down and became overgrown lately...

but the lady bug reminded me of the time i was very much loved...she reminded me of what i have missed for so long...that look someone gives you who is happy you are there...i have missed that look...i have missed out on so much...i once was accepted just as i was...loved...with all my imperfections and my struggle...i could be me and know it was ok...

anymore i am often around others who themselves wear masks and want me to put one on too...but i am not good at surface living so i fail...i am not perfect...i am not even concerned with perfection...those seemingly perfect people are at times the most screwed up people in the room...they are just talented at turning off parts of themselves and putting on a good show of it all...but really is it worth it to pretend? i mean arent they sick of pretending to be so well put together?

there was this little creature who now has emptied out of her body...she came to that vulnerable place in me that is finding it difficult to be single and she got me to feel the pain of it all...simply by being with me...how odd but how wonderful...

i feel the loss of these last few years...the grief...the unbearable longing...and in her way this lady bug taught me to empty out...empty out the bitterness and resentments...

i feel them slowly coming up...the anger and the heartache of failed relationships and this present life that is hard...i feel it draining from me and the me i am leaving behind as well...

her shell of a body sits on a little stone here til i take her outside tomorrow and return her to the earth...tonight i sit with her and reflect on all she has told me...the whimsical conversations and the serious last ones...

as she emptied out i know...in a way...i really do need to empty out too...

so much is gone from my life...to hold onto the pain of it all is just more to waste of my life...and i have wasted far too much of my life on people and places that were not worth it...

i once again was told recently that i talk too much...i have been told this all of my life...i think it isnt that i talk too much but that to these people who say this my words have no value...i express myself with a crowd of words...so what...i am this way and i am done feeling bad about it...i am going to keep talking...keep writing...keep painting...keep showing my emotions...keep forgetting to brush my hair...keep settling into an aging body...keep living an imperfect life...i value me and my words and my voice and the love i extend to others...no mask...showing my imperfections...

i love this imperfect human being in all her messy wonderful ways...i love that i can spend days with a lady bug and let myself learn from her sweet little life...i love that i can shed tears now and miss her...and know she was a visitor from the place we all go to after life...i know i am loved so much to have been given this time with her again...

if all people see is a surface and not this deeper being i am this is their loss...i see me...and i profoundly love me...i know i am worth being loved...i may be unlovable in that special intimate way but i am not going to apologize or feel bad about my tender imperfect life and how i conduct myself in it...

like the lady bug i have some emptying out to do...shedding old resentments and old grief...so i can enjoy myself in greater measure and the adventures to come...

No comments:

Post a Comment